SHABBAT ~ Changes

My life is changing.

Shabbat  thankfulness for Changes.

It is evolving; being restructured.

It is becoming something new – a reconfiguration of the past molded and shaped by the present to become something that will survive the move into the future.

Little, by little, bits and pieces of my past life is being discarded as my new life is taking shape and being reorganized.

Yesterday, the windbreaker jacket Bob bought 26 years ago (and I have been wearing), went into the trash can: it was wearing thin, and I had bought a fleece jacket to replace it the other day on my shopping venture across the River. I felt a pang of loss pull at my heart when the windbreaker slipped off my fingertips, and fell into the garbage bin under the carport … but I didn’t fall to pieces, and my heart wasn’t shattered.

Honestly, the windbreaker should have been discarded months ago, but I tend to procrastinate doing things that have pain attached to them.  I am a wuss when it comes to pain; physical or emotional – so I prolong the ‘letting go’ as long as I can drag it out.

Last year, this time I was making monthly trips (sometimes, weekly) to Eden Valley, to visit our cemetery plot: I am deliberately cutting those trips back this year. I will still visit our plot occasionally throughout the year – but I won’t be spending so much time there: life cannot be lived fully in the present in a cemetery. And Bob is not there, anyway. Going there was solely for my benefit; and it was, I believe, necessary for my emotional healing.

The sorrow of missingness is still with me …

… and probably always will be. But it is subdued, and easier to rein in now. I am healing.

Yeshua is doing patchwork repair on my life – lovingly removing the bit and pieces that no longer serve … and gently replacing the worn parts with a smoother end.

Necessary changes have been beneficial to my life.

This Shabbat, I am thankful for the new work Elohei is doing in my new life.

I am thankful I have reached this point in my ongoing life where I can agreeably go with the flow, and allow new purpose and direction for my solo lobo life that will complete my life in another way, shape, and form than the one I shared with Bob.

I need that difference to successfully move forward solo loo.

I have never lived my life alone before.

I married into a ready-made family ... and added 1 more.

Solo Lobo living took time to get used to.

Despite all the change and upheaval these past 27 months, I am still here – holding it together, and thanking Elohim every second of every day for all that has been blessing my life to date.

I am thankful for Elohim's lovingkindness.

So, when the past memories call to me, and I feel my thoughts slipping into melancholy with the missingness of the life I knew before it all got skewered … I will lift up my head; and focus on the love, faithfulness, provision, and securities of Elohim, my Father.

I'm in a good place in my life, right now.

I will welcome the ministering hosts of angels – messengers of the Prince of Peace – as they come to bless my home with Sabbath rest.

Moon Rising; tonight.

Bob loved this song, sung by Jonathan Settle …

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sX9WTKsUGmk)

The day has been prepared for the arrival of the Shabbat hour. I do my household tasks early in the day so my evenings are free to honor Elohei in a restive manner. Sometimes I get fancy with my appearance … other times, I just wear jeans and a nice top. My Shabbat’s are pretty low-key now. I read, I listen to music, I sing, I eat a light meal, I do light hand work that keeps my mind free to think on the week’s blessings.

Bok Choy Soup – 1 to eat tonight; 1 to eat later in the new week.

Purple Baby Blanket. MOD

In all I do these 24 hours; I will adore, and praise Yeshua, my Husband in my new life.

And I will thank Yeshua for leading us to a Messianic fellowship, where I sang these songs with the husband of flesh He blessed me with, for 44 years; my Bob … who now, sings/dances/and worships Yeshua in the heavenly Courts above the clouds.

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ALetVR1kk5g & https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IVD96-cQds0, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hcbuibgVH1Y)

I know Elohim has a purpose and direction for my solo lobo life; I just have to be open to it, and be willing to bend to that newness.

Tomorrow is Passover; I am glad I have a life of freedom in Yeshua. Exodus: Someplace around 1440 B.C.; Calvary 33 A.D. Yeshua FREED ME a very LONG time ago! No one in this generation is going to enslave me … no matter what banner they fly.

The sun is slowly slipping over the horizon, almost reaching its ‘rest’ here in the PNW. The candle is lit, the blessing sung … the Shabbat has been ushered in.

Sundown tonight ...

L’Chiam!

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x-eHCxMM3PI)

SHUFFLING ADJUSTMENTS

It has been a crazy quilt time of life building for 27 months.

As 2018 drew to a close, so did the life I knew and loved for nearly all of my life to date.

My life, going forward seemed hamstrung and uncertain.

Adjustments were made.

When 2019 dawned, I was learning to breathe again; without painfully gasping like a fish out of water. As I learned to breathe, I also learned to stand upright again, and walk without stumbling: I pulled heavily on memories Bob’s ‘can do’ character to get me upright/keep me on my feet, as well as my past personality (that even Bob had not met) to spring me into action.

I have never been comfortable in large groups of people, and I’ve never ever really needed to be around people: but eventually, the total lack of inactivity at my house started really working my nerves. All my life I have been surrounded by activity, even if I have watched most of it from the sidelines. But suddenly, there was nothing. Nada. No husband to smile at from across the room, share covo’s with, or snuggle through the night. No grandkids racing through the house.

Except for the quite humming of the ‘fridge for background noise, my house is silent as a tomb.

I appreciated the friends that stuck true when Bob was no longer present.

I appreciated/am thankful for the few family members that stuck with me (and came speedily to help me) when their brother, Bob, was no longer by my side.

I learned how to solo lobo navigate the Social Security dragon lady to obtain my Early Retirement Benefits – as well as my rightful Widow’s Compensation Stipend.

I learned to reach out to people and ask for advice when necessary.

I learned how to solo lobo handle difficult situations: like legalities that further altered my already tattered life; the endless labyrinth of hospital billing due to outsourcing factors; monthly downtown office wrangling’s with AT & T, or Xfinity; like immediate home repairs that needed hired help; car maintenance; computer snafus that needed untangling, ect.

I solo lobo joined social groups; and was surprised to learn I was capable of making friends on my own (without Bob’s social butterfly influences).

I learned that some people could identify with my life story, and could benefit from my scrap-quilt-journey (no egomania from me – they told me so).

I learned that no matter how much you love your kids/grandkids … sometimes they have been so poisoned by society influences, that it is better for everyone if the thread if tied and severed.

I learned that a broken heart does not need to break one/handicap them for life: a broken heart can actually make one a stronger person. Sometimes sad with the missingness, but stronger in the long run.

I am learning to live my life with a clean slate: it is strange, and feels weird; but kinds exciting, too – I’ve never lived my life solely for me, before. It’s an experience.

Adjustments were carrying the day.

Life had a purpose and a rhythm again.

2020 rolled around, and the Widow Fog started to lift: I was actively engaging in life activities again – then covid arrived on the scene, and a new fog settled in: not on me, but on the mass population as fear was preached from every talking head racking up talking points, and the bulk of the populace was crippled by toxic political fog.

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2020/03/demoncrats-scarying-public.html)

Much of the 2018 adjustments I had hurdled in 2019, and had cleared successfully with hope for brighter days, were stymied in March of 2020: people barricaded themselves inside their homes, scared to leave for fear the ‘silent killer’ virus would single them out and strike with a vengeance (they heard that scenario 24/7 blaring from their TV’s); public buildings shut their doors to groups that had been gathering there for social activities (even religious buildings, locked up – as leadership gave way to DC, rather than to God: in Whom there is no fear); restaurants, for fear of being heavily fined, shut their doors and pulled their shades.

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2020/03/happening-day.html)

People covered their faces, leaving only their haunted fear-filled eyes visible. They screamed at people who refused to cover their faces. People wore plastic gloves, and obsessively wiped down surfaces of everything. People were arrested for refusing to wear a mask – and forced to stay inside their house by armed police officers. There was no logical rational to any of the hysterical posturing … but the herd mentality had kicked in, and there are many lemmings in society.

Rationality was further eroded with the UNMASKED blm anarchist racist marches (‘whites’ were targeted and killed, while being caught on video and uploaded to social medias; applauded by demonrats), UNMASKED wholesale violence (National Monuments were defaced, and destroyed) a bulk of businesses were snuffed out – many moved out of State), and firebug activities (several forested acreages, and entire towns were reduced to ash). Many UNMASKED demonrat governors, senators, and presidential candidate openly supported the blm organization and gave it a free pass to ignore/break the Law: to the point of declaring that ‘people of color’ did not have to wear a mask … as if covid only sought out the ‘white’ sector of society to run rampant in: the same governors, senators, and candidates were notably def-dumb-blind when it came to blm anarchists overthrowing cities and establishing squatter headquarters, like third-world terrorist regimes. It was obvious the covid hysteria had been politically birthed, carried out, and held to – with ‘science’ being the Ace Card.

Forced adjustments to my life, resulted in lost time, lost opportunities, broken friendships that resulted in secondary losses … and the resurrection of a dormant rebellious streak in myself, that refuses to be harnessed to the herd fueled by fearmongering tactics.

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2020/03/fabulous-63-yo-rockstar.html)  

Revamped adjustments were life-savers. 

I said goodbye to brainwashed people. 

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2020/03/2-hikes-in-1-day.html &  https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2020/03/coronavirus-coverage-at-4-am-on.html) 

I met with friends who were not run by fear.

I enjoyed weekly Daytrips. 

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2020/03/love-in-sky.html) 

I shopped at places that honored freedoms. 

2020 was a struggle to get through, but I – along with many others – made it through; battle weary, and scarred by political shrapnel fallout … but still standing.

Each day unfolds sporadically; in, this, my new life.

In this crazy upside-down world, I never know what to expect anymore. But one thing I do know, is that I am no longer stuck in a grieving rut than leads to weeks of recovery.

Perpetual grieving will not become my new normal.

Life changes … either by the Grim Reaper, societies toxicity, of DC lunacy  … will not hinder my life, Either in the present, or in the future.

My life belongs to me – and only ME. 

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2020/03/this-virus-will-pass.html)

Shuffled adjustments were made.

2021 has arrived, and the covid and blm hysterias are still being played out up north, in Seattle … and across the River, in Portland. People have gone silent on FB – either because of the {team} slap-downs on free speech, or because they are seriously depressed knowing that even if they get the vaccine, they will still be required to wear masks (two, now!), and travel will be no easier than it is now. Everything, right now, appears to look hopeless; for those who put their trust in DC and the luciferin minions that hold DC hostage.

I am still wading through a shattered life I still do not recognize anymore, with no dependable GPS coordinates. But I am moving forward in Faith; with loving support from people who … even if they don’t understand me, and why I do what I do … like me enough to want me to succeed in my new life.

I am still living my life.

For me.

Solo Lobo. 

Fully, without fear.

Making adjustments as life unfolds.