The dawning of today was filled with birdsong and highlights of Fall color.
Noticing the dawning of that color, I sat up and took notice all around me 😉
And a song popped into my head ...
Which led to other memories/other songs.
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cWkXmx-0phc)
Memories
of the Spring of 1974: making love for the first time – not just jungle sex,
but making love, pouring ourselves into each other.
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iUpNxxkkaBQ)
Memories of fading Summer of 1974, on the cusp of Fall: making a lifetime commitment to each other; joining our lives/hopes/dreams together and vowing to stand by each other “no matter what”.
Mid-Fall 1974: Doctor confirmation of what Bob had already assessed … as we watched the Fall leaves change color, we looked forward to welcoming our baby as the world popped with Spring color.
Memories of Fall 1975: A family was established.
Memories of the Fall of 2018: watching the color of my life slip away with the waning of Bob’s earthly life. Wondering how I could go on living without Bob’s love coloring my world … and listening to Bob tell me to “live, Val”, when it became glaringly obvious that he would not.
Hearing – and doing what he told me to do, in preparation of his leaving me, and his fleshly vessel behind (close the IRA – pay off the car; mentally get used to him no longer being here; keep the house; go forward to build a new life without him in it).
Camping in Bob’s hospital rooms, and OHSU’s ICU Ward room; and standing by his bedsides – looking at him, and holding his hand: not wanting him to leave this life, alone. Needing to infuse all of him into my being, on a deeper level.
Watching Bob’s spirit leave this Earth … and trusting Elohei to get me through the darkest days of my entire life.
Memories of the Winter of 2018: feeling desolate, and no longer seeing color in my life; in the world around me.
Memories of Spring/Summer 2019: realizing, and welcoming friends I never knew I had. When news of Bob graduating from this life to the next was made known … these loving people, who knew both of us, stepped out of the shadows (some came to visit, in person – some encouraged me every day on FB; some called), and came forward to help me learn to fly with the wings Bob gave me.
The wings Bob bequeathed me with, were not broken, as some would assume – they were just unfamiliar: I had not flown solo for 44 years.
My steadfast friends became the wind beneath my wings.
At times they literally lifted the drooping wings and bolstered them with their own strength, while I limped along; adjusting the weight on my own shoulders, and learning to wing flap against the winds of change.
At times, they cheered and ran alongside me … as I gained confidence, and started fledging in flight: hesitant at first to leave safe ground, then soaring into unknown paths and new horizons.
There were many false starts, and awkward beginnings: but my new friends never made me feel stupid, or too heavy to carry until I could ‘wing it’ on my own. I am thankful for their compassionate love, and steadfast encouragement.
Memories of Spring/Summer 2020: Coming to the conclusion that cold winds of death can cause people to fall by the wayside – some I expect to die on the vine, to drop and fade; some I had hoped would be evergreen, and hang around for the long haul: finally coming to the conclusion that all the life I was immersed in, no longer exists: all the leaves in my life had withered and died on the vine … and blew away – one way or the other.
I learned to broaden my horizons, and gathered evergreens; planting them into the garden of the life I am building now.
Fall 2020: Not where I want to be – yet; but I am getting stronger every day 😉
I can look out my window and see color in my world, again.
That’s a huge difference: I am healing 😊
