Yesterday I was hit pretty hard a sneaker wave – it came out of nowhere and tried to suck me under all day long.
But Yeshua's presence was stronger.
I hate crying: it is a defining weakness everyone can see (I rarely even cried around Bob!) ... and feel uncomfortable around. I cried several times in public yesterday: it is uncontrollable; which makes it more mortifying for me.
On the handful of occasions, I ever broke & cried in front of Bob, he always opened his arms to me and let me cry against his chest; he didn't say anything, just held me until the storm passed: then he would go change his soaked shirt. It was enough just to be sheltered in his love. And he knew it was a seriously big deal IF I was openly crying. Bob knew I hated appearing weak about anything in front of anyone.
Also, yesterday, during one of the many crying jags throughout the day, one of my daughters called - and I did try to talk with her: I tried valiantly. But I was literally gasping for breath.
She said, "Tell us what you want from us Mom: we can't help you if we don't know what you want from us. We know you are a private person - we are trying to respect your privacy."
I said, "I just want your D.A.D I just want your dad right now ... I'm sorry I am crying ... but I MISS him: he was the only one I ever let close to me – I don’t trust anyone else."
She said, "Well, we can't bring dad back, but we are here for you. It's okay to cry, Mom - Dad hasn't even been gone a year yet. You don't need to apologize for crying. Please don't shut us out ... we love you; we are here for you. I think we have proved ourselves by now; that we don’t want anything from you – not your money, not your house, not your car. I think we have proven we are trustworthy."
She missed what I said. Totally. My trust issues aren’t with things … my trust issues are with my heart – with my emotions.
Bob was the only person I ever let close enough to me to trust with my heart. With my emotions. And that took time. Even after we were married. Bob was a patient man; Bob loved me.
I believe her - really, I do. I know my kids (2 sons, 3 daughters & 4 grandkids) have grown a lot after Bob’s graduation: they aren’t so selfish anymore – and they have really gone out of their way to make sure I know they have changed. I can see the changes.
But, can I trust them WITH MY HEART? With my emotions?
There is a lot of water under the bridges they kept burning behind them in their rushes to forge separate lives and leave Bob & I choking in the dust. Things can be replaced … and most things are meaningless; just window-dressing in this life journey. It’s not things I have trust issues with.
Bob is the ONLY PERSON IN MY ENTIRE LIFE who loved me just because I exist. Bob loved me unconditionally. There will never be another Bob in my life. I feel the emptiness acutely. I don’t want to go back to building walls around my heart. I don’t want to learn to couch my emotions again. I LIKED the freedom Bob gave me to simply live without being judged or condemned. I LIKED having a companion and a life partner who didn’t make me apologize for my feelings, opinions, or actions.
My kids are “happy pagans” (their own words), and condemn me for being a Christian – they openly talk about their religions, but forbid me to mention Elohei or Yeshua. They censor my free speech on any topic they disagree with my opinion on, and get embarrassed by my actions when it goes against their actions. In short, they want to redo me; they want me to become an extension of them to fit into their circle – and that I can never do: our lives are polar opposites in every way. The only thing we have in common is Bob and a shared DNA pool.
Don’t get me wrong – I love my kids. Every one of them. But something has to give before I can trust them on a personal level: and that something giving won’t be all on my end.
Plus, they all live in other States; from one coast of the USA to the other. They work staggering schedules that may or may not 'dovetail'. They just can't pop in.
And, in reality, they can't truly help me in WHAT I NEED THE MOST: I need Bob. And Bob is no longer available to me. Memories are good - but memories aren't Bob in the flesh. I want Bob in the flesh. And Bob is no longer available to me.
I'm not deliberately shutting anyone out.
But, right now ... I only want to be with Him.
Maybe that is selfish - I don't know. All I KNOW is that is HOW I FEEL.
I need Bob. I want Bob. My heart cries for Bob.
Bob is no longer available to me.
I am seriously {misery’n}.
No one here on earth, can help me with that ... sometimes, in the grip of misery'n ... even Elohim seems very, very far away.
I have a feeling those sneaker waves will assault me repeatedly through December.
THANK GOD for HIS continued faithfulness and ever-present presence!
I have a loving and patient God.
I had a loving and patient husband.
THOSE KIND OF PEOPLE I can trust with my heart.
With my emotions.
