I'll Meet You There ...

Tuesday, February 5, 2019


So ... I missed the Social Security Administration call because the Cremains Boxes arrived today and I was dealing with that - the reason for the missed call. When I returned the call as requested, the woman on the other end was an outsourced person - seriously: one would THINK that when dealing with Americans concerning American benefits, one would get an American on the other end of the call that could talk English easily understood >:-P


I had to reschedule because apparently while the Social Security Administration person IS ON THE LINE taking my personal information, and "the appointment scheduled was missed" ... the SSA person ALREADY ON THE LINE cannot (or will not) finish the interview until another phone appointment is scheduled. Does that even make sense to rational and logical thinking people? How hard can it be to finish up what has already been started? How can 5 minutes here or there possibly upset the delicate balance of a "yea" or "nay" decision already made by the SSA? Government morons, what more needs said ...

New appointment will be February 25th, same time - same place. Hopefully a different government moron more willing to do what needs to be done without undue nonsense.

That said, this is how my morning hours went; thank You, Yeshua, for blessing me with good friends that are coming later on this week, when the weather warms up, to help me do what needs doing:

Cheryl & Pam are coming later on this week, when the weather permits, to help me fill the cremains box and little urns. They are good and faithful friends – true blessings.

I really do have to learn to stand on my own; and learn to live confidently again – wholly and self-sufficiently; with Yeshua’s help, of course.

My husband’s family has tried to be supportive and helpful, but they are getting tired and perhaps a little frustrated at my continual need for help. All I can say is this … we did not plan on his dying: before that fateful day in August, neither of us had any idea that he would die – we were as surprised as the rest of them when it started happening: and did happen. We certainly would not have chosen the holiday season (Labor Day, Halloween, Thanksgiving & Christmas) as {the time} for his exit from our life and this planet.

There were valid reasons my husband did everything for me – I am sorry that they cannot understand that; and I am sorry that it was a necessity (because he had died in 1981 and was totally dead for 25 minutes, his brain occasionally misfired; it was important that he be able TO DO and FEEL VITAL in the doing: I let that happen knowing that I was hindering myself – but I loved him and wanted him to feel he was still the man I married; and 95% of the time he still was). My husband’s family is very blood-bond conscious – I have never been a blooded family member … I was always referred to as “Bobby’s wife”: his family is just weird that way; no spouse is ever embraced and that is why there is so much marital strife and divorce in that side of the family. We determined early on not to allow them to divide us; his mother did try mightily the entire time we were married. And his sisters never did embrace me as a sister; though they did, on rare occasions include me in their conversations – but there was never any ‘coffee-time-chat-sessions’ get-togethers, no friendly invite to join the sisterly shopping jaunts, no spontaneous chatty phone calls that did not include specific cut-n-dried family business convo, no over-night sleepovers or birthday invites with cousins for our daughter … though room was made for my husband’s son AFTER the divorce between my husband and his 1st wife (ex-wife shunned when ‘wife’, and no longer a family threat as a spouse, was nonetheless welcomed back into the family fold like a long lost daughter by MIL and SIL’s and I was treated as the interloper! Crazy, I know). All of our married life, my husband and I knew that we were not truly acknowledged as a couple – even as late as this past September 2018 (http://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2018/09/fall-cleanup-and-forgiveness.html). That is a sad commentary on them.

And now, when I desperately need family to come around me and help me move forward to do what I must now do alone - and need support while I relearn to live confidently and productively again; there is no one, familywise, to turn to. Sure - they were there during the final dying moments, but now that my husband has been dead for what they consider long enough to move on without tripping up, they feel I should “get past that; and leave it with Jesus”; seriously.  This has actually been said to me recently by my eldest SIL - they feel they have done their part … and they are ready to move on: he has only been gone from our 44 year life together 1 month, 23 days, 6 hours and 32 minutes … and the family umbilical cord is being severed as I type. I am being cast adrift without a backward glance, to sink or swim. I have left my husband in Yeshua’s hands and bosom, but I do not think I will ever get over the hole in our life’s tapestry: I will learn to live with the tear, but I do not believe I will ever “get past” that gaping hole. To “get past that” would mean to forget him and our 44 years together – and I can never do that. Never.

And the kids/grandkids? They have lives of their own to live and tend to: they do call; but a phone call is not a physical hug/physical p.r.e.s.e.n.c.e. And physical presence is what is missing. My husband’s son, to be honest, has been very helpful when I call for help … but for how much longer? He has no real ties/obligations to me – the only ties … and they were tenuous at the best of times … he had to me at all, were effectively cut with his father’s physical death.  When he comes to help, it is a real 4 hour sacrifice for him: 2 hours to, and 2 hours back again: soon the trips to help me learn what I need to learn about house maintenance on my own, will end. I know I need to learn … and crash-course-style; but I learn best by being shown and then doing again and a.g.a.i.n. until it all “clicks” – THAT takes active participation on everyone’s part. My husband understood that about me. Everyone else is struggling to understand that about me.

My siblings? It’s an on-and-off thing; mostly off: again, the ‘Christian’ vs ‘pagan’ issues. The last time I saw my younger sisters was in October 2018 and November 2018 respectively – separate occasions at the local hospital. The last time I saw my younger brothers was 12 years ago for one … and 23 years ago for the other. All the occasions were brief, and all the occasions except the November 2018 hospital visit with my youngest sister, were contentious: their behaviors, not mine. They are proud pagans who vociferously let me know how uncomfortable they are around me. Again, a sad commentary on them, as well as the other family branch.

Friends? Thankful for them! Could not have made it this far in my ‘alone walk’ without them.

But, again, they have their lives to live, and the help I need to learn to stand and walk on my own, will eventually become a frustrating obstacle. I need to learn fast. I need … I need; and there is not enough time to learn it all before I am cast adrift. Again.

I do not think any of them actually realize what it feels like to have half the heart amputated: NONE OF THEM have yet suffered the loss of a spouse – divorce is not the same thing: it does not even come in as a close second loss. My eldest SIL said to me recently while we were talking, “with everything else I am going through, I am glad I do not have to deal with the death of someone I love – at least I don’t have to deal with that. Oh, I am sorry! I hope I didn’t offend you”. Well, I wasn’t offended; but I was momentarily stunned at the insensitivity. But, again, that is my husband’s family – they are insensitive people totally wrapped up in themselves and speaking without thinking. My husband used to be the same way before we started building our life together – he changed his attitude and behaviors when he learned to truly love … and enjoyed being loved by me. I think it is too late for his family to change. 44 years has not shown them the necessity for change. They think they don’t need to change. For anyone. Or for anything. So they are for the most part, sadly alone.

I really do have to learn to stand on my own and learn to live again – wholly and self-sufficient; and with Yeshua’s help … and friendly hands via Cheryl and Pam to aide in this week’s need for help … I will get there.