Just East of Eden : 10/26/20

Monday, October 26, 2020

BEAUTIFUL LIFE UNFOLDING

There is always a cold snap before a thaw; Yeshua designed life that way: some things do not grow unless there is a freeze involved.

I’ve been going through various stages of {freeze} for 22 months of my new solo lobo life – emotionally and weatherwise: twice emotionally … three times, weatherwise … since December 2018.

The third freeze happened over the weekend, when Jack frost paid a local visit:

Frost on the roofs around me.

The Fall of 2018 was very painfilled.

I didn’t notice much of that Fall and Winter – ALL my focus was on my husband.

Though I had been married to him for 44 years and knew everything about his voice, his features, his mannerisms, his thoughts … my teary eyes drank in MORE of him.

He was getting ready to step off this planet and into a new life I would not be privy to until my life on Earth wrapped up to.

I wanted to infuse more of him into my memory data bank.

And though I did occasionally glance out the hospital windows, my eyes still only saw Bob – they did not pay attention to the changing leaves when they put on their bon voyage colors, pulled away from the skeletal tree limbs, hitched dizzying rides on the frosty breath of Jack Frost; and blew past the window panes.

I barely noticed snowflakes when they silently began their dancing drift downward to fall and coat the winding thoroughfares of the OHSU Complex.

Everything seen the Fall and Winter of 2018 was shadowed by my husband struggling to shed his earthen vessel and comfort my spirit, consecutively.

It took 106 days for our goodbyes to be completed.

The rest of the Winter, I sat in Bob’s recliner and looked out the window; and cried when the snow fell, because Bob would never again share those moments with me.

My eyes did not acknowledge the beauty of the Fall and Winter of 2018.

The Fall of 2019 arrived to find me in a funk.

Much of 2019 had passed in a nondescript blur: I moved through my new station in life in survival mode.

I dreaded the arrival of Fall.

I felt I could learn to hate Fall and Winter – the 2 months that had always been my favorite months of the year … and I now found them repugnant.

Logically, I knew that Fall and Winter didn’t deserve my shunning: it wasn’t their fault my life had been so altered.

But I couldn’t help the emotions that rose up within me.

I was punch-drunk with surging waves of grief that constantly kept me unbalanced; and heart-sick with searing loss.

Memory kept replaying over and over again reels of decades-long moments in time that left me staggering down the Boulevard of Broken Dreams … like a tormented soul, hoping for relief – yet boomeranging back to more bruising.

I knew I needed to break free; but I didn’t know how.

I pushed through the Fall and Winter of 2019, cocooned in Bob’s lingering love, and wrapping myself in comforting sorrow.

As weird as it may seem to some … sorrowing backtracking down Memory Lane off and on … actually kept me sane.

22 months later, the Fall of 2020 seems to be trying to enlighten me.

I am looking out my windows with a refreshing frame of mind.

A few months ago, when I knew Fall was on the horizon, I did dread its arrival.

But I was overthinking.

I was doing what was expected of most widowing people.

And I know better.

I know overthinking leads to defeat.

Crippling defeat.

I have never lived my life in defeat.

Ever.

I am not about to start giving into it at this stage of the game of chance that has become my new life.

I started actively redirecting my thoughts.

One day – a couple days ago, a friend actually helped me with this action; a few encouraging words of a posted reply to something I had mentioned pulled me out of the slumps and opened my eyes to an alternate way of viewing my new life.

I am grateful.

I am thankful to have such a caring and compassionate friend.

Over this past weekend, while relaxing in my set-aside-‘Island of Rest’ hours … I sought Elohim’s guidance, Yeshua’s love/grace, and the Ruach’s wisdom. I settled into a comforting {family} pow-wow setting, quietly relaxed with a soothing activity: and listened to the still small voice (1 Kings 19:12).

2018 caused an earthquake in my life that unsettled it and 2019 resulted in reconstructive rebuilding following clearance of chaotic fallout.

2020 saw me safely through the fires of my life: in a personal manner as well as generalized wildfire disruptions.

The ambiance of the electric fireplace seemed fitting 😉

Relaxing indoor ambiance.

Relaxing indoor activity.

Knitting 2 at once

As the still small voice ministered to me, my spirit was soothed.

Always be open to alternative {ideals}: be flexible to change.

As the new week dawned, Guidance highlighted awaiting possibilities.

Hardship hones character and builds strengths previously unknown.

I could seize joy in the moment; I could actively push back the gray days, actively color my world with flexible plans (with God as ‘a Team’), and sail through the Fall and Winter months with renewed hope fueling my new life with the oomph it has been lacking.

I came across this article – it resonated.

(https://www.lifehack.org/839686/seize-the-moment)

Love and Grace assured me that possibilities were well within my grasp.

I am in the “R” phase … I intend to reinvest in my Solo Lobo Life using original principal, along with any interest that has accumulated: I am going to take advantage of bonuses, consider time deposits, build a {ladder} – staggered with maturity dates, switch to a high-interest account, and consider a rewards account 😉

Even the impossible can be possible according to His Plan.

Wisdom is taking a firmer hand and bringing my scattered thoughts to heel.

Purpose, and direction, are penciled into my forward momentum again!

I have 5 months to set aside some $$$ and plan mini vaca getaways when Spring rolls around in 2021.

Those 5 months will give me the time I need to hit that ball coming at me clear out of field and risk making a home run … I normally don’t make a move until I see that all the bases are manned, guaranteeing a home run.

The still small voice tells me I need to step up to bat and take a risk.

This is a “biggie” moment for me.

It will take all of those 5 months to get me to the point of standing confidently in the Batter’s Box, hoping to make Home Base.

While it is true that tomorrow is never guaranteed, it is also true that a prudent person makes flexible plans anyway – knowing they are ultimately in the hand of God: but idleness is never an option.

The making of plans gives us something to look forward to … even while knowing our lives are not guaranteed.

Life is to be lived; not endured.

Some people make struggling through this life an ordeal worthy of Oscar status.

I choose to be a beautiful butterfly!

But I don’t want to move too fast.

I am waiting for the still small voice to whisper, “now …”

I will need those 5 months to complete the catharsis process.

I will need time to lay a foundation that will have room for all of my life in it.

I’ve never had to “make room” in my life before.

There was always Bob.

Only Bob, no matter who I was with before Bob – Bob was always there.

Our life together was fated before we were born.

Bob was always ‘my guy’.

Always.

But Bob is no more.

Bob is still very much a part of my life … but Bob is no longer a viable part of my life.

It’s complex in its context.

It’s confusing to those who do not understand the nuance of the context.

It’s frustrating to ME, who is living through the complexity.

It’s sorrowing.

It must be faced.

And dealt with.

I do not belong to my old life anymore: Bob is not here – that life is gone. G.O.N.E. It no longer exists; there is no room there for me, anymore.

I have prayed a specific prayer – I must find a way to dovetail the realities when I step up to bat and eye the outfield.

I’m not in the game for romance: knowing men, already I should be standing on 1^st base.

But I’m also not interested in sexcapades with a new man (no other man can fill Bob’s shoes: Bob was a wonderfully pleasing partner) – that sends me back to Batter’s Box with the Umpire calling ‘foul ball!’

I’ve got to trust Elohim to get me that {‘safe!’} home run in the Spring thaw, while my beautiful new life is unfolding in the Fall and Winter chill ...

2020 COOKATHON #5

Every once in a while I get a craving for an “off-limits” junk food dish: the pork and turkey baked bean pie, accompanied by crisp relishes such as carrot sticks, celery sticks, or radish roses fits the bill this month 😉 If you used store bought beans, it’s super easy to make: if, like me, you make your own baked beans – it’s a 2 day happening in the kitchen; I got the recipe for the Baked Bean Pie from my ‘Better Homes & Gardens Jiffy Cooking’ cookbook – and I made my own homemade baked beans to use in the recipe; I used my ‘Jewish Cooking in America’ cookbook for the baked bean recipe: SO GOOD! I froze the remaining baked beans for future meals.

For the Chicken Bouillabaisse … a fancy name for chicken stew … I dug out my ‘Mediterranean Light’ cookbook. This savory meal has many of the similar flavorings of a fish bouillabaisse – lots of garlic, onions, tomatoes, a hint of orange peel, saffron, and cayenne. The beans add an interesting texture and flavor to the dish. This bouillabaisse is very easy to make; and can be made ahead of time and reheated. You can omit the potatoes, and serve the dish with rice, if you choose.

And the Baked Fish Fillets Spencer recipe comes from my ‘Joy of Cooking’ cookbook. The method used to cook the fish produces a tender crust outside and a tender and moist interior. I rounded out my meal with *Spaghetti Squash w-Parmesan. YUMMY :-D

Every Election year I make a delicious bean soup, appropriately named Soup of the Inner Sanctum. I am making it this year. It will go a lot easier than the torturous omaba-pelosi-clinton-biden-harris charade painfully playing out. I always add a few eggs to my soups, to hard-boil for hiking snacks 😉

==BAKED BEAN PIE ~Serves 3 or 4

8 Turkey Dogs * ½ Tablespoon Dijon Mustard * 1 1-pound/5 oz. can Pork & Beans in tomato sauce or 20-ounces homemade Boston Baked Beans (*recipe follows), partially drained * 2 teaspoons Hot Dog Relish * 1 teaspoon instant Minced Onion * ¼ cup shredded sharp process American cheese

In saucepan, combine beans, relish, and onion; bring to boiling. Pour bean mixture into pie plate.

Baked Bean Pie ingredients.

Slice each hot dog down center (not through, just enough to open); brush each slit with mustard. Arrange on bean mixture; sprinkle with cheese.

Bean Pie topped with turkey dogs.

Baked Bean Pie – oven ready.

Bake in moderate oven – 350-degrees, for 20 minutes or until meat is lightly browned.

**What I did: I lined foil freezer pans with foil; portioned the bean pie into serving sizes in foil freezer pans – adding a buttered-foil-wrapped-cob of corn to each pan – covered the pan with plastic wrap/labeled/covered with pan lid, crimped the edges … and placed in a large baggie for the freezer: keeping 1 serving aside to eat for Supper, Wednesday 😉

Corn on cob to go with bean pie.

Baked Bean Pie; freezer ready

*Boston Baked Beans ~ Yield 6 to 8 servings

This baked bean recipe can also be cooked with a 3-pound Beef brisket instead of ham ends. These beans are a winter favorite with me.

1 pound Navy or Kidney Beans * Ham ends for flavoring * 1 sliced Onion * 1 Tablespoon Mustard * 1 Tablespoon Salt * ¼ cup Brown Sugar * ¼ cup Molasses * 2 cups boiling Water (or to cover)

Wash, pick beans over – discard any stones; cover with cold water and soak overnight.

In the morning, drain the beans, put them in a saucepan, and cover with fresh water. Heat slowly and cook just below the boiling point until the skins burst – about half an hour (this is best determined by taking a few beans on the tip of a spoon and blowing over them; if done, the skins will burst).

When done, drain the beans and put them in a large 6-quart casserole with a lid. Add the meat and onion.

Mix the mustard, salt, sugar, molasses, and water … and pour over beans. Cover and bake slowly in a preheated 225-degree oven for 8 hours, uncovering the casserole the last hour so that the meat and beans will brown.

NOTE: I cooked my beans in a crockpot for 6 hours on LOW. If you use a crockpot, watch it to make sure it does not get too dry. If too dry, slowly add BOILING HOT WATER enough to moisten: do not use cold water or the crock will crack.

Homemade Baked Beans – ingredients.

Homemade Baked Beans: finished.

==CHICKEN BOUILLABAISSE ~makes 4 servings

This recipe calls for a whole chicken … but I used 4 chicken breasts: the servings are smaller, but that is what I wanted 😉 And I cooked this meal in my crockpot, set to LOW for 6 hours (cooked beans and steamed potatoes made separately and added later).

1 Chicken, about 2 pounds – cut into 6 to 8 pieces * 2 Tablespoons Olive Oil * 1 medium Onion, thinly sliced * 1 Leek, white part only, cleaned and sliced * 2 large cloves Garlic, minced * 1 pound Tomatoes, peeled, seeded, and put through a food processor or 1 14-ounce canned Italian Plum Tomatoes * 2 additional cloves Garlic, minced * 1½ cups dry White Wine * 2 cups defatted Chicken stock * 1 Bay leaf * ½ teaspoon dried Thyme * ¼ teaspoon Fennel seed * 2 pinches Saffron threads * 2-inch piece Orange Peel * 1 pound fresh Fava beans, shelled or 2 cups dry Lima beans (*instructions for cooking follows) * pinch Cayenne pepper * ¾ pound new Potatoes, scrubbed and sliced (optional) * freshly ground Black Pepper * Lemon Juice and Parsley for garnish

Chicken Bouillabaisse ingredients; I used bouillon in this recipe instead of stock – I’m trying to lose weight. It tasted fine.

Remove the skin form the chicken pieces.

Chicken breast meat; skinned.

Heat the oil in a heavy 3-quart (or larger) skillet and sauté the onion, leek, 2 garlic cloves, over low heat for about 10 minutes – stirring often to prevent browning.

Add tomatoes and additional garlic, and continue to sauté over medium heat for 5 minutes. Raise heat and cook over high heat for a few more minutes, stirring.

Add chicken, salt lightly, and stir together with the tomato mixture. Cover and cook 10 minutes over medium heat, turning the pieces once.

Add the wine, chicken stock, bay leaf, thyme, fennel seed, saffron, orange peel, and more salt to taste. Bring to a simmer; cover, and simmer slowly for 20 to 25 minutes or until the chicken is cooked through.

Meanwhile, blanch the fava beans in salted water for 30 seconds; drain, and transfer to a bowl of cold water. Pop them out of their thick shells. Steam for 5 to 8 minutes, until tender but still bright green. Set aside.

*IF USING LIMA BEANS: soak beans in ‘fridge overnight; drain and cover with fresh water and bring to a boil over medium-high heat. Simmer for 1 hour, then use beans however you desire.

Lima beans cooking.

If you are using potatoes, steam or boil them until tender; drain, and set aside.

When the chicken is done, stir in the beans and the sliced potatoes. If desired. Remove the bay leaf, and the orange peel, and add just a hint of cayenne. Add pepper to taste and lemon juice if desired. Garnish with chopped parsley and serve in wide soup bowls.

This meal will hold for a day or two, in the ‘fridge.

IF USING A CROCKPOT, just dump all the ingredients (except potatoes and beans) and cook as directed above:

Chicken Bouillabaisse ingredients in crock.

Cooking in crockpot.

**What I did: I lined the foil pan with foil; portioned the potatoes and beans into serving sizes in foil freezer pans, and ladled the bouillabaisse into the pan – covered the pan with plastic wrap/labeled/covered with pan lid, crimped the edges … and placed in a large baggie for the freezer.

Chicken Bouillabaisse; prep for freezer.

Freezer ready.

==BAKED FISH FILLETS SPENCER ~4 servings

Preheat oven to 550-degrees.

Have ready: 4 skinned fillets of Fish

And a plate of: dry Bread Crumbs

Fill a shallow pan with: ½ cup warm Milk * ½ teaspoon Salt

Dip the fillets into the milk, then into the crumbs – in that order; making sur they are well coated. Place them into a well-greased oven-proof pan and gently pour over them:

Baked Fish ingredients.

Baked Fish; prep for oven.

3 Tablespoons melted Butter or Bacon fat

Place pan on top oven rack and bake 10 to 12 minutes – transferring at once to a hot platter garnished with parsley and lemon wedges.

Baked Fish: I put 3 fillets aside for freezer meals; and ate 1 fillet w-Sweet Potato Fries for Supper 😉

You may serve with: Tartar sauce

*Spaghetti Squash with Parmesan: https://www.pillsbury.com/recipes/spaghetti-squash-with-parmesan/0010ee79-c57e-409f-a290-a456e3e0e524

**What I did: I lined the foil pan with foil; portioned the cooked squash into serving sizes in foil freezer pans – added a fish fillet; covered the pan with plastic wrap/labeled/covered with pan lid, crimped the edges … and placed in a large baggie for the freezer.

Baked Fish w-Spaghetti Squash; prepped for freezer.

Freezer ready.

==SOUP OF THE INNER SANCTUM ~ serves 8

1½ pounds dried peas, navy, or lima Beans; washed * 2 Tablespoons Butter * 4 large Yellow Onions, chopped * 1 large Garlic clove, minced * 6 sprigs Parsley * ¾ teaspoon Thyme * 1½ large Bay leaves * 1 Carrot, chopped * ½ Lemon, sliced * 1 pound smoked Ham Hock, or shank end of smoked ham * freshly ground Black Pepper * 1 Tablespoon Salt

Place all ingredients in a crockpot. Set temperature to High and bring to boil.

Inner Sanctum Bean Soup ingredients; I used 1 Tablespoon of Bacon Bits in my soup – I’m trying to lose weight.

Reduce temperature to Low and cook for 6 hours – or until beans are tender.

Cooking.

Remove ham; let cool. Remove 2 cups of soup with a little liquid – puree that, and return to soup.

Blending of a portion.

Cut ham in small pieces; add to soup.

Stirred together.

Reheat carefully, and serve.

**What I did: I carefully portioned the soup into x3 quart-sized freezer baggies; keeping 1 serving aside in a small casserole bowl for a Supper meal.