EXPOSED & ADRIFT

Over this Labor Day weekend, I drained the rain barrels and pulled them off their stands; there wasn’t much in them because it’s been unseasonably dry this Spring/Summer – and I didn’t want to chance a sudden rainfall that would refill them … making them impossible to drain before October’s frost arrived.

Some people leave their rain barrels in place; but I like to pull mine down and store them, with their accompanying stands in the sheltering carport breezeway, hoping to extend their usefulness until I can no longer shift them and gardening falls by the wayside.

Today's harvest. 10 corn, 1 eggplant, a handful of purple Romano beans, tomatoes, 2 onions & parsley.

Heavy cloud overcast; hot and muggy.

Rain barrels/stands stored until Spring 2021.

In 2014, Bob made me a bird feeder, and several bird house for the yard at our previous house in Lexington, Kelso: I brought this bird house with a flip side for easy cleaning with me when we moved here the Summer of 2017. I usually save bird nests (I’m THAT country 😉), but the birds here build nests that are so lightweight they literally fall apart; so into the trash they go.

Last year I was going through the motions without feeling much of anything; I was doing what needed to be done – basically to keep my body busy and my mind occupied with what I was doing in the moment: I didn’t give a rip what the neighbors thought – I was, thank God, wrapped in a layer of protectivity that pretty much numbed me to anything happening in the world around me.

But this year, I am more aware.

I KNOW the neighbors are watching every move I make ... what I am doing in my garden area, how I walk to the birdfeeder to refill it, how I tipped the rain barrels to drain them - I prayed to God I could do it gracefully with all eyes on me. Covid-19 has been used by governors to keep people tethered to their homes … people have been afraid to go outside their homes for 6 months; there is very little to do for people trapped in their homes, so watching neighbors is the neighborhood fun right now.

I KNOW the neighbors are curious about “the widow next door” and how I am handling things (I hope I am passing the exams): this has been passed to me through the grapevine hotline. Most thought I was a divorcee when Bob was suddenly absent and I was parking the car in the carport without Bob accompanying me. They were surprised when they heard through the grapevine that I am a widow; they are watching because they are curious.

I have become a curiosity.

But here’s the kicker … I’m curious about me too.

I’m curious about how I will accomplish things that need doing.

And I don’t want bored, nosey neighbors watching me try to figure it out. It’s hard enough to adjust without having eyes on all sides watching your every move.

I don’t like feeling exposed and adrift.

These are new feelings.

I never felt them when Bob was here.

But Bob is no longer here … and I feel exposed and adrift.

I feel exposed because people are watching me – and not just strangers

Everyone is curious; strangers are curious with a morbid curiosity. People who have known me all my life with Bob, are curious to know when I will snap back and continue on as before.

I am curious too.

I know I am different now.

I’m never sure how to deal with the uncertainty.

Since the forced in-home-trapments, some mornings I literally have to force myself out of bed and out of the house to get things done. As soon as I step outside, I can feel the stares as I go about my business; trying to ignore the eyed intrusions on my private life. A 4 foot fence (which is the limit for fence heighth here) is not enough to make me feel comfortable in my "private space".

My confidence has been shaken by the political bullshit added to the already fragile shakeup following Bob's graduation.

Nothing will ever be the same again – there will be no “snap back”. Nothing is the same.

Nothing.

I am not the same: I will never be the same.

I am learning new ways of doing old things … and ways of doing new things I’ve never done before.

The most complex thing I have learned since walking across the threshold of our home as a 4-hour-old-widow, December 14^th, 2018, was that my home did not feel like my home anymore. My home was always where Bob was.

And Bob isn’t anymore.

I am a strenger in my own life; trying to find stable footing.

I would never again walk through any door in this house and know Bob was somewhere in it. I walked into a house … but it was no longer a home.

And though I have, since December 14^th, 2018 lived in this house and put my own stamp of ownership on it in March of 2018 when legal ownership was mine solely – it doesn’t feel the same. It does not truly feel like home; it is just a house, with my Name on the Deed of ownership papers.

My activities concerning the house, don’t feel the same – things concerning living in this house … don’t feel the same. Easy chores that I once took pleasure in, feel like a chore I can’t wait to get through and be done with. When Bob was here, and I was his actual physical wife, I enjoyed making a home environment for my husband. Now, those things seem pointless. It is hard to work up excitement for solo meals. It is hard to feel accomplished when there is no one else to notice, and give affirmation to the effort that went into the task. Laundry for one short woman … when you are used to long legged jeans and oversized shirts for a man 6’2”, and the occasional “so cute!” children’s clothing for a grandchild now and then … is painfully boring.

A lot has changed in 20 months: people watching do not know the scope of changes that have occurred.

My life – on all levels – has been drastically altered.

It will never snap back to the way it was before my life took a serious detour from my life I shared with Bob.

My activities do not feel the same.

My routine is not the same.

My thoughts, and my feelings are not the same.

There is not one thing in my life today that remained/feels the same.

Not one.

And most days I do okay with that acknowledgement.

Then there are the days when the absolute difference makes itself known and felt … and I don’t feel like a flamingo; I feel like a pigeon who has lost it’s homing radar. Those are the days I want the old sameness to cover me with shelter from curious eyes; and to give me the anchoring comfort against the tide of life that sets me adrift on the sea of uncertain life situations and circumstances.

Neighbors gawk; that is human nature – but if Bob were still here, I wouldn’t feel exposed.

Bob was my shelter in more ways than 1.

Bob was my anchor in more ways than 1.

Now that Bob is no longer here … and I feel exposed and adrift.

In more ways than 1.

2020 COOKATHON #4

When Bob & I first married in the Fall of 1974 … I couldn’t cook, to save my soul: my mother never taught me to cook – she taught my younger sister, but she didn’t think I needed to know anything more than how to clean house and babysit while she worked.

She didn’t think anyone would be interested in marrying me: she was totally unprepared for Bob’s arrival on the scene 😉

For about 6 months of our married life, we lived on purchased TV Dinners, hot dogs, pizza (in the “big town/little city” of Longview on paydays), and the occasional hamburger basket when we went dancing weekends.

Bob would never eat peanut butter; and he never came home to find me “eating chicken and dumplings with another man” … but I am eating foods now that he didn’t particularly care for 😉 

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ojHLvrbfoiM)

I started checking cookbooks out at the neighborhood Library, and taught myself to cook before our daughter arrived in the Spring of 1975. There were a LOT of burned meals, and Bob, bless him … ate every one without complaint, until I got it right:

Bob, me, and the kids.

And though Bob always preferred hot dogs and pizza (his 2 favorites), he started liking the variety of meals I whipped up in the kitchen to the backbeat of the stereo music played at top volume shooting from all 4 corners of the house through the high-def quadrophonic speakers he bought me our first Christmas together 😊

Bob liked my cooking.

And I liked to cook for Bob.

But, Bob is no longer here … and I still have to eat.

So, now I still cook to the backbeat of stereo music blaring from my laptop speakers; and I make full sized meals, breaking them down into widow portions to freeze individually: just a lot easier for my needs now, and better fare than supermarket or restaurant foods – that I do also enjoy occasionally.

I just prefer homestyle meals.

I prefer my own cooking.

I like to cook; but I am a lazy cook – I don’t like standing in front of a hot stove for hours on end … so I cook meals that utilize my crockpots, countertop grill, and minimally use the oven 😉

This is what works for me.

I post recipes in the original full writ – if I dink around with the ingredients to fit my own tastes, I will always say so in my posts.

This cookathon is mostly 3 beef meals; with a pea-ham soup, and a fish meal.

I have not messed with the original recipes this time …

==PUREED SPLIT PEA SOUP ~ about 8 servings

Dill is what gives this pea soup it’s wonderful flavor. Because the tamari and pork already have a significant amount of salt in their processing, I used a salt-free broth (homemade with herbs instead of salt) in preparing this soup. This soup freezes very well.

2 cups dried green Split Peas * 6 cups Water * 1 Tablespoon Olive Oil * 1 large Onion, diced (1 cup) * 2 cloves Garlic, minced * 1 cup chopped Carrot * 1 cup chopped Celery (2 medium stalks) * 4 cups Chicken Stock (homemade or canned) * 2 teaspoons Tamari or Soy Sauce * ¼ teaspoon freshly ground Black Pepper * ½ cup snipped fresh Dill * 1 slice (2 ounces) smoked pork or Ham * 1 cup skim milk, approximately

1. Place the peas and water in a large, heavy Dutch Oven pan, bring the water to a boil; boil the peas for 2 minutes – turn off the heat, and let the peas stand for 1 hour.

2. Heat the oil in a skillet, add the onion, garlic, carrot, and celery … cook, stirring them, for about 5 minutes. Add the vegetables to the soaked peas.

3. Add the broth, tamari, pepper, dill, and pork to the pan. Bring the soup to a boil, reduce the heat to low, and simmer the soup – partially covered, for about 1½ hours (check now and then to make sure the soup is not scorching; add water if needed).

4. In a blender, or food processor, puree the soup with the meat, thinning the soup to the desired consistently with milk. Heat the soup before serving.

*If using a crockpot, just dump all ingredients into the crock and set to High setting until soup boils – then reduce heat to Low and cook 6 hours. Prepare as directed for pureeing soup.*

Split Pea Soup w-Ham Bone.

Split Pea Soup Ingredients (I used frozen chicken stock).

**What I did: I froze my individual servings in freezer baggies.**

==LEMON CHUCK STEAK ~ makes 6-8 servings

1 Chuck Steak, about 3 pounds, cut 1½ -inch thick * 1 teaspoon grated Lemon peel * 2/3 cup Lemon juice * 1/3 cup Salad Oil * ½ teaspoon Salt * 1/8 teaspoon ground Black Pepper * 1 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce * 1 teaspoon prepared Mustard (I use Dijon type) * ¼ teaspoon Garlic Powder

1. Score fat edges of meat and place in a shallow dish.

2. In a small bowl, combine remaining ingredients; pour over steak. Refrigerate 6 hours – turning occasionally.

3. Remove steak from dish. Pat dry with paper toweling. Grill over hot coals, 12 minutes on each side for rare … or 15 minutes on each side for medium doneness: brushing occasionally with marinade.

A small Beef Chuck Steak, cut in 2 for two meals.

Lemon Chuck Steak Marinade.

Grilled Lemon Chuck Steak.

**What I did: I froze my individual servings in a foil freezer container with half a corn cob, and a serving of sweet potato.**

==BEEF STEW ~makes 5 or 6 servings

1 pound Beef cubes * 1 Tablespoon Shortening * 3 cups hot Water * ½ teaspoon Salt * 1/8 teaspoon ground Black Pepper * 1 large Potato, cut into 1½ -inch pieces (about 1¼ cup) * 1 medium Turnip, cut into 1-inch pieces (about 1 cup) * 2 medium carrots, cut into 1-inch pieces (about 1 cup) * 1 medium Green Bell Pepper, cut into 1-inch pieces (about 1 cup) * 1 medium stalk Celery, cut into 1-inch pieces (about ½ cup) * 1 small Onion, chopped * ½ teaspoon bottle brown Bouquet Sauce * 1½ teaspoon Salt * 1 Beef Bullion cube * 1 Bay Leaf * ½ cup cold water * 2 Tablespoons Flour

1. Cook and stir beef cubes in shortening in a 12-inch skillet or Dutch Oven, until beef is browned. Add 3 cups hot water, ½ teaspoon salt, and the ground pepper. Heat to boiling; then reduce heat. Cover and simmer until beef is almost tender – 2 to 2½ hours.

2. Stir in vegetables, bouquet sauce, 1½ teaspoons salt, bullion, and bay leaf. Cover and simmer until vegetables are tender – about 30 minutes.

3. Shake ½ cup water and the flour together in a tightly covered container (like a small jar); stir gradually into the stew. Heat to boiling, stirring constantly. Boil and stir 1 minute; reduce heat.

*If you are using a crockpot, just dump ingredients into the crock and set to High setting until stew boils; then reduce heat to Low and cook 6 hours.*

Beef Stew in crockpot.

**What I did: I froze my individual servings in freezer baggies.**

==MEAT LOAF ~makes 6 to 8 servings

1 Egg * 1 cup Milk * 3 slices bread, shredded * ½ teaspoon Savory leaves * 1 teaspoon Salt * ¼ teaspoon ground Black Pepper * ¼ teaspoon dry Mustard * ¼ teaspoon Celery Salt * ½ cup chopped Onion * 1 teaspoon Salad Oil * 1-pound Beef, ground * ½ -pound Pork sausage * ½ cup Ketchup * 1 teaspoon dry Mustard

In a large bowl, mix all the ingredients except the ketchup and dry mustard. Turn into a lightly greased 8½ -inch skillet.

Blend the ketchup and dry mustard – spread atop the meatloaf. Bake 60 minutes.

Meat Loaf ingredients.

Meat Loaf ready for oven (I used a round pyrex casserole dish).

Meat Loaf baked.

**What I did: I froze my individual servings in a foil freezer container with a baked potato and a mixed vegetable medley.**

==GRILLED FISH ~makes 4 servings

This pungent Moroccan marinade can be used for many fish suitable for grilling, or broiling – and can also be used to marinate fish before baking. It’s good with firm white-fleshed fish.

12 Garlic cloves, minced * ½ teaspoon coarse Salt * 1 bunch Cilantro, chopped * 1 Tablespoon Paprika * 1 Tablespoon Cumin * Pinch of Cayenne pepper * Juice of 2 large Lemons * 1 teaspoon Olive Oil * 4 6-ounce Halibut, bream, monkfish, or snapper steaks (I used Tilapia fillets) or 1 whole 2-pound fish, cleaned; scales left on, but scored several times on the sides * additional Cilantro sprigs for garnish

1. Pound together the garlic, salt, cilantro, paprika, cumin, and cayenne. Stir in the lemon juice and olive oil. Marinate fish steaks or whole fish in this mixture for several hours – turning from time to time.

2. Grill the fish for 4 minutes for each ½-inch thickness; turning halfway through. Baste with the marinade, and serve at once – garnish with additional cilantro is desired. Chill leftovers and serve cold the next day.

Fish marinade.

Fish marinating.

Grilled Fish.

**What I did: I froze my individual servings in a foil freezer container with cous-cous and spinach.**

**COOKATHON POSTS 2020

2020 COOKATHON #3B

https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2020/07/2020-cookathon-3b.html

2020 COOKATHON #2 Continued …

https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2020/05/2020-cookathon-2-continued.html

2020 COOKATHON #1

https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2020/02/2020-cookathon-1_11.html**

BLAST FROM THE PAST #1

I’ll never forget the September day early in our marriage when I was cleaning house and found Bob’s stash of 8-track music tapes.

WHAT A TREASURE CHEST! Cream, Steppenwolf, ZZ Top, Iron Butterfly, Strawberry Alarm Clock, Moody Blues, Pink Floyd – just to name a few I was quickly rummaging through while my head was spinning; all the bands I was familiar with, and wasn’t aware Bob was aware of.

I had no idea my legal-beagle husband had such a wild streak 😉; I hadn’t known Bob in his wild years … as I mentioned many times before, I didn’t even know his Name until we met face to face in March of 1974: I’d met him after he settled down and burned out his teenage persona.

So, when he came home, I grilled him about ‘the find’ and delved into his past: I wanted to know everything about the man I loved; the man I married.

That weekend he took me on a looooong meandering drive over backroads; I packed a lunchbox lunch, filled a thermos with coffee, and bought a 6 pack of beer to enjoy … and we listened to every single 8-track in his music cache :-D

The red-white '56 Ford Bob had when we met in 1974.

Internet pic of a mountable 8-track player; similar to the one Bob had installed in his truck.

Then my sister ramona, and 3 of her friends from Texas, came to stay with us for a month … AND STOLE EVERY TAPE when they left!

Strawberry Alarm Clock: Incense & Peppermint (1967): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4rw1_FNdy-Y

Strawberry Alarm Clock: The world is on fire (1967): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xbMxAfHNcjc

Strawberry Alarm Clock: Tomorrow (1968): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T5mwbvTtnfk

Strawberry Alarm Clock: Strawberries mean love: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-4IK01xKc8

Strawberry Alarm Clock: Good morning starshine (1969): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yVDL7aay2A8

Strawberry Alarm Clock: Unwind the clock: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dSJvJgJTjPY

Strawberry Alarm Clock: Sitting on a star:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zxo_oTkBwJw