I WON'T BACK DOWN

Thursday, August 15, 2019

FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE, I'LL BE LOVING YOU


It started out simple, that night of April 19th, 1974.
We were both free agents, out for a good time ... neither one of us looking for a permanent arrangement when Bob made that phone call to say, “I’d really like to see you tonight ..."
I had fallen in love with Bob 7 years earlier, when I was 10 years old, and had finally got to know him face to face 2 weeks earlier at his house - where my boyfriend at the time, was renting a room: Doug inadvertently threw Bob & I together (https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/04/magic-man.html); but I didn’t want to jinx our time together by wishing upon a star; and he was dealing with betrayal and the severing of a marriage: the very thought of ((((love)))) was something we both were sidestepping.
We started spending time together: "no strings", was the mindset.
A month later it got complicated.
The more time we spent together made us realize we were hopelessly in love with each other.
Love was blossoming and it was recklessly taking root.
We danced around the "L Word" ... Bob was still legally married, though he and Gloria had not lived together as man and wife since November 1973.
A divorce was in progress, but Bob was not yet, "legally free".
By the first week of July, Bob WAS free; and we openly spoke the L Word.
We were married the end of August.
And though Bob never changed my life too much - he DID CHANGE it in all the ways that mattered: he loved me wholly, without reservation, and without slipping a constraining leash on me.
And because he allowed me to be free, I restrained myself in the areas that I knew needed curbed to keep our marriage on track; and to have Bob's back.
Because he never demanded ... I gladly submitted.
Bob wore mighty big shoes.
I am in no hurry to slip someone else's feet into them - there will NEVER BE another Bob.

SOME DAYS ARE HARD TO ORGANIZE



This month – 14 days from today – will be the 1st year anniversary of that horrible day that led to the ER visit … that led to my husband’s physical death December 14th, 2018.
It is difficult.
One of his killers are still in the Park. I can’t escape seeing her – she has ingrained herself into EVERY event happening here; which means that I leave the Park to find entertainment opportunities, and socialization engagements. I don’t want to be around her, if I don’t have to be.
I have spread my wings since march 2019, and have learned to go to places we used to go – and to new places we have never gone together.
I revisit {our} places, because I don’t want to forget those memories; and I must come to terms with being comfortable in them: they are unavoidable, as they are local, and I do not want to relocate.
I go to new places because I like adventure … and Bob would want me to get on with living until I join him in that celestial city beyond the clouds; later on.
But, no matter how busy I keep myself – or how often I get out of the house – or how many times I engage in solo activities … I STILL COME BACK TO A HOME HE NO LONGER LIVES IN: He will never walk through that door with me; he will never inhabit any of the rooms of our home, or our bed again.
THAT I cannot escape/change/or manipulate.
People telling me to do what I am already DOING is not helpful.
And it changes nothing.
At some point, I pray, that I can live fully … without being dragged BACK to December 14th, 2018.

1st CORINTHIANS ~Chapter 8


I was reading my Blog posts earlier this morning to refresh myself on things I posted, and to gauge my progress in my Widow’s Walk … when I realized I had not posted a ‘Thursday Bible Study’ post in about a month’s time!

WOW.

Where has time gone this month?

To recap the last posting: 1 Corinthians/Chapter 7 was about marital obligations and Paul’s view on abstinence- for those who can abstain.

Abstinence works for me in my present … so that is where I am in my new life.

That said; today’s Scripture study touches on a mature Believer’s responsibility to the weaker brothers and sisters in The Faith. Those of us who are more mature in the graces of Yeshua, are not to flaunt our freedoms. We are to always to respect the weaker among us, and to be patient and empathetic in their slow progress – to encourage their steady growth.

It can be very frustrating at times to consider others around us; but let us be faithful ambassadors of Yeshua, and bow to those who are weaker in the faith, whenever that necessity arises.

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1st CORINTHIANS ~Chapter 8

Now, as to things sacrificed to idols, it is true that we all know something about it. But knowledge simply puffs one up, while love builds us all up. And when a man thinks that he knows a lot, he still has a lot to learn. But if he loves Elohei, he will have knowledge of Elohei.

In the matter of eating foods offered to idols, we know than an idol-god has no real existence in the world. Elohei exists, but there is no other god. Elohei is One.

It is true that men have supposed that there are so-called {gods} both in Heaven and on Earth: we hear of many such ‘gods’, and many such ‘lords’. But for us, there is only 1 God – Avinu Shebashamayim (our Heavenly Father), the source of all things and the goal of our life; and 1 Lord, Yeshua Ha’Mashiach, through Whom all things is made and through Whom we live.

This knowledge of Elohei is not shared by everyone. Some, having been accustomed to idol worship, still regard this meat as food sacrificed to a ‘god’, and as they eat, this defiles their conscience, which is already weak. But food is not what commends us to Elohei. We have no advantage with Him by eating; and we do not fall short by abstaining. Only this: you must be careful that your own freedom in this matter does not somehow become a stumbling block to those who are weak.

Suppose someone weaker in the Faith should see you at a table in an idol’s temple; you understand, but might not they be encouraged, if their conscience is feeble, to eat food sacrificed to idols? By your example, then, you may bring spiritual destruction upon this weaker person – someone for whom Mashiach died to save. And when you sin like this against your brother or sister, and further weaken thier conscience, then you sin against Mashiach Himself.

For this reason your practice should be: if meat is the cause of my brother’s downfall, then I will never eat meat again, for fear that I might cause him to fall.