Just East of Eden : 12/31/20

Thursday, December 31, 2020

THINKING OF SPRING

Tonight, at midnight, will be the last of 2020 … and GOOD RIDDANCE!

Last night, before I shut FB down and closed the laptop, a notification of “People you may know” flashed across the screen.

A face I knew; a person I do not know.

The face is a blend of her father’s face – and my face.

But I do not know the person named.

I gave birth to a baby girl in Spring of 1975.

I do not know this person wearing my daughter’s face in December of 2020.

I used to know Stacey … I do not recognize jules: and I do not want to know that twisted persona.

My daughter is dead; she killed herself, and is trying to foist this twisted persona off as reality. It is NOT reality.

I will never recognize it.

My heart has been so broken/shattered with my husband’s physical death in December of 2018; my heart was further thrashed by Bob’s son, July 4^th, of 2019 (he is no longer in my life); and what was left of my struggling battered heart was subsequently wrung, and mangled, by our daughter July 1^st, of 2020.

With this latest episode of craziness … posted all over the internet, no less … for relatives and people who know us to SEE (I am shocked, angry, embarrassed, & blessedly numb – emotionally & heart-wise): my heart rate was off the charts, I was so stressed. I do believe she is trying to kill me off.

But, I will live, until Elohim calls me home.

The waves of change constantly knock me off my feet: everything in my life is changing so quickly – it’s enough to give me whiplash! But Yeshua lifts me up and keeps me balanced.

Devastated heart nevertheless.

I went to bed last night, praying for the strength to live a new life, devoid of everyone, and everything I ever knew.

This post is the last I will ever speak of this issue.

It is evilness. To speak of it would give it power – that I will never do.

I am glad Bob is not here to see the way the both kids have shredded the family.

When I wake up, the morning of January 1^st, 2021 … I will wake up as if my life with Bob never happened: no husband – no kids – old life blown to smithereens.

There is absolutely nothing left of my life with Bob; but memories.

2021 brings my New Life with the first rays of dawn.

I’ve never experienced this dawning before: it’s daunting.

It is going to require boldness; there is no place for tears in this new birthing.

It is necessity: the life I knew has no place for me in it anymore.

It requires want to to live life, fully; with no bleed-over from my previous life.

Yeshua! Give me the strength I need!

So …

As soon as I woke up this morning, I decided to make/bake bread; there is only 1 loaf in the freezer, so the bread is needed – and making bread is a good way to get rid of stressful tension: beating the hell out of the dough makes for nice loaves of bread 😉

I also did a couple loads of laundry, and received the first Spring Seed Catalog for 2021. Looking through it, I allowed my thoughts to entertain the idea of possibly driving to the actual seed source when it comes time to purchase seeds. It would be fun, but it would also be 2½ hours of freeway driving – I hate freeway driving, and avoid it at all costs (even going coastal route would include freeway at the tail end – and it would take an entire day to get there one-way).

But the coastal route would break my fledging wings in 😊

We’ll see what happens, come Spring.

While bread was cooling and loads of laundry were cycling between washer and dryer, I had the local radio channel on for weather updates (as well as background music) … and created another solitaire game layout – this time, in the form of Father Time’s scythe.

I get bored easily, so I have to keep things interesting 😉

MOD Solitaire Game; Father Time's scythe shape. Layout & play as a regular game. 1 ct. – face up; 2 ct. – 1 face down, 1 up; 3 ct. – 2 face down, 1 up; 4 ct. – 3 face down, 1 up; 5 ct. – 4 face down, 1 up; 6 ct. – 5 face down, 1 up; 7 ct. – 6 face down, 1 up; 8 ct. – 7 face down, 1 up.

December 31^st, 2020 is quickly coming to an end, and there are several things on my mind.

None of it looks bright and cheerful.

From December 2018 to December 2020, it has been adjustment after adjustment … and all of them have been hard adjustments.

I have to let Bob go …
My daughter is forever lost to me.

I think a shot of Fireball is in order. Cinnamon is a natural protector of the body – I could use that after the jolt my heart received last night. And whiskey actually helps the heart, while reducing stress and is a natural aid to fighting off colds: BONUS on ALL counts.