BEATING THE LONELIES

I woke up this morning thinking of Merle Haggard’s song, “Where The Lonely Go”.

Most of the time I’m not really lonely: I miss Bob, but it’s different than the lonelies.

But I have been feeling the lonelies lately since the blowout with the kids. I have friends – I go places – I do things …. but when the day’s activities stop, and friends go home, and the lights are turned down … there’s loneliness all around.

Like I said earlier this week – I lost my entire family this year. And none of them are coming back; I’m starting to feel it. It isn’t a nice feeling.

While I am not hitting the bars or singles scene, I was chasing after Bob's essence by trying to keep the kids in my life because he hoped his death would bring the family together. But, all avenues to that road has been closed. The kids don’t like each other … and they harbor an unjustifiable hatred towards me. It’s sad. It dishonors their father – and I don’t deserve the bitterness aimed at me.

Add to that frustration, my husband’s killers still walk around: I don’t have anything to do with them; but I still see them, because they live where I live. And greed & bitterness has taken the rest out of my life. I really can’t deal with other people’s bullshit right now. I’m STILL grieving the absence of my husband in my life - I don't need or want any more trauma dramas in my life: I have always has a low tolerance for drama queens. I don't make a place for them in my life or rent them space in my head.

People think I should be over grieving by now, but every day there’s some new wrinkle in the fabric of my life to face & overcome. And it makes the missing of Bob more acute; the pain of that sharp heartache is felt again … I don’t know when that will go away. So, while everyone is sitting around asking, ‘isn’t she over it yet?’ – I’m asking the same thing: “when will I ever get over it? Why am I not over it yet?” I can’t answer that question.

I may never get over it.

And I do not need resentful or emotionally dead people draining me like energy vampires. Grief is hard enough to overcome without constantly being sucked back under by the energy vampires.

But my friends, the people who love me, actively pursue me to include me, & WANT me in their lives, have stuck.

While the people I thought would love me, have bailed. There’s no love there. They don’t HOW to love is the problem. They just don’t know how to love. They’ve never learned how to take their eyes off themselves. They’ve never learned how to look past themselves to be empathetic and compassionate towards others.

They don’t know how to love.

And, truthfully, Bob didn’t know how to love either when we were first married. I mean, he loved ME – there was no doubt about THAT. He told me – he showed me – he proved that he loved me. Every day. He loved me. But, he didn’t know how to love outside his immediate circle; I had to teach him that – he didn’t know that instinctively. I can love everybody; I don’t have to agree with them to love them. I don’t love everybody on the same level that I love Bob, of course, because my love for Bob is different: it’s more deeper – it’s more passionate – it’s more internal – it’s more inclusive. It’s special. Bob completed me; and I completed Bob. We were 2 halves coming together to make a whole. But I can love people in general - even while keeping my heart safe. Bob had to be taught that. Because his family is very self-centered & self-serving. They don’t think about anybody else outside their circle. It’s a genetic flaw that runs through the family gene pool (our kids seem to have drawn a double on that flaw). And that’s not just me saying his family is flawed; I have had other people tell me the same thing. People that know the family. They have told me, even recently upon hearing of Bob’s passing, “Bob’s family is strange. They have a strange family dynamic – it’s like they have no feelings.” I wouldn’t go that far, but I do agree that they are shallow people. And they have favorites; not only do they not look outside the family circle (for them, ‘the family’ is “it”: they don’t include outsiders that are not blooded family members), they have favorites within the family circle. Those are the ones all the attention is given to, and the ‘oohs & ahhs’ are given. They don’t look past those favorites. When forced to acknowledge anyone else, they give a cursory nod and move along … to the favorites, totally ignoring the collateral damage left in their self-centered wake.

While putting the discs of Bob's life on reel into the laptop disc player, and watching the black and white silent home movies unfold, I can see that Bob was lost in the familial shuffle. It is sad.

Bob wasn't used to overt displays of love when we started dating. I liked touching him, hugging him, kissing him, and loving on him ... he got used to it and passed hugging onto his family: now they all hug all the time. His mother is still stiff-backed when she attempts to hug me, but I chalk that up to she has never fully accepted me into the family. Her loss. I'm a pretty good person to know. And love. Maybe some day they ... and our children ... will all learn how to fully love and extend that love outside {the circle}: I don't think I will live to see that day dawn. MPO

Bob, after we got married, watched me and started being more accepting of other people; and had friends that he made when he started opening up that remained close friends – lifelong friends. He found out that loving and being loved is fun. He learned to give love, and credited that to my loving him and teaching him to love. He became love personified because he gave it so freely. It was always there, inside him … he just had to learn how to unlock it and live life fully. And I liked watching that. I liked watching him ‘become’; I liked watching him opening up and unfurling. And including people - who were not family members - into his life.

It was a nice Fall day today; the weather was perfect. A nice bright Fall day with wood smoke on the air and color all around. I’m feeling okay about doing the Bazaar ;-)

Sign will be placed along the road way tomorrow morning.

I arrived at the grange a little after noon, and saw other vendors struggling to get their bins out of their vehicles and into the building while their husbands just sat in the vehicles. Not even offering to help. I was immediately SO thankful that Bob was a good husband to me and helped me, no matter what I was doing. Bob was a true husband. Elohim really blessed me when we brought us together.

The 2 tables I rented - they are in a good location.

Everything was laid out kinda hodge-podge. I'm still in a foggy funk. But I think the fog will lift tomorrow when people start showing up. I always enjoyed doing the Bazzars: I want to enjoy it again ...

I enjoyed designing and making my items. I think quite a bit of it will walk off to new homes Friday & Saturday. The social interactions will be good too :-D

I’m working real hard at building a new life that will keep the lonelies at bay. I want to see life through colorful lens again. Doing this Bazaar should help along those lines - Judy, the event coordinator, remembered me & we had a nice long chat while I started setting up. She was sorry to hear about Bob. Being in a friendly environment with familiar people and atmosphere will kelp ease me into my new life, I am sure.

Please, Elohim.

That would help me heal; and that would honor Bob.

CONSTANT REMINDERS & LIFE ALTERATIONS

This year, I am going to do 1 Bazaar and see how it goes … I am hoping I can do this. I NEED to do this. Bob would WANT me to do this.

It is hard to get out and do things without Bob; it is hard to get back into the swing of doing things solo, when for so long I had been doing things as a couple.

In about an hour I will be heading out to Pleasant Hill Grange to set up my Bazaar tables there – it has been a while since I have been out that way; it is a nice country drive. I haven’t done a Bazaar event since 2016. Bob had done Bazaar events with me since retirement; he would haul the bins in/out of the vehicles on the folding dolly; and I would unload them and set things in place for display/tear the tables down afterwards, and restock the bins with what did not sell. In the between times, Bob would visit with other vendors and people watch, occasionally helping with the selling when I needed to stretch my legs a bit.

2017 I did no Bazaar events because we had finally gotten into our new home after all the remodeling, and I was setting our home up to make it comfy and cozy for Bob & I.

2018 I did no Bazaar events because I was sitting death watch with my husband in 2 hospitals in 2 different States; coming to terms with the loss of my friend, husband, soul-mate.

Never a day goes by that I am not reminded of those heartbreaking days of Bob's impending physical death.

And to add salt to the wound, 10 months, 24 days, 1 hour & 5 minutes following ... there is no family left.

No husband.

No children.

No grandchildren.

No relatives.

Nothing.

Death changes e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.

Everything is surreal ...

**********

{{1 Year Ago, today – November 7, 2018/6:30 AM (Posted to our FB Page: I want to thank everyone who has prayed for Bob and me during this trying time.

Bob has stabilized as of last night before I left ICU to come home; but he still has a long row to hoe. He has consented to and is now using potent narcotics to dull the severe pain. He will more than likely remain in the hospital until Thursday - possibly the weekend, depending on what happens between now and then. I did talk to his nurse around 4:30 a.m. this morning and she told me he managed to sleep a total of 5 hours after I left until my phone call this morning ... that is great news! But we would prefer him to be supernaturally healed, off the meds, and back home in his own bed. BUT he has managed to give his testimony of how he got saved in 1981 to all his attendants, and to the chaplain that visited his room last night while I was there :-D

Please continue to hold us up in your prayers. Pray this is a good day for Bob, that he won't miss me too much or be too bored after I leave, and that I can safely get back home tonight; I will leave the hospital before dark tonight as the fog was very thick last night and the road was hard to see.

Thank you all so much for your prayers. Elohim hears them, Yeshua acts on them, and the Ruach Ha'Kodesh helps us to confidently stand strong while they are being attended to. It really helps knowing we are not alone. Elohei will bless each of you that stand with us and for us. Shalom ~Val

1 Year Ago, today – November 7, 2018/4:04 PM (Posted to our FB Page: I was up at 4:30 a.m. this morning and at the hospital by 7:30 a.m., but didn’t get to spend much time with my luv because the day was ate up with appointments to discuss financial arrangements for everything the docs want to do that we simply cannot afford: it all sounds good and the docs feel good when they are telling it to us, but most of it is out of our reach unless we can tap financial resources to pay for all of it. 98% of what they are talking about is NOT covered under the Hospital Bridge Program.

I talked with the hospital social worker twice today – the first time she was not really understanding what we are dealing with and was kinda talking down to me like I was a spoiled simpleton telling me, “I deal with people who have nothing – zero – you have resources to draw from …”; I pretty much tuned her out at that point. It was clear she was ignorant of the grand scope and severity of the situation. But when I spoke with her the second time, she was a little more compassionate and had been schooled by her co-worker as to what we are actually dealing with … and ended up in tears while going over “the plan” and sheaves of financial resources with me. I actually felt sorry for her and ended up soothing her!

Then when I got home and collected the mail I whooped for joy when I read this letter that said: ((((APPROVED)))) This is a HUGE load off our shoulders. This approval is GOOD FOR A YEAR!

Doing the happy dance :-D}}

Bob coming to terms with impending physical death.

Surgery was approved and ALL medical bills were covered - they racked up fast.

Bob was prepped for the approved surgery. Neck stint put in; waiting for the call from OHSU. We went through this THREE times because OHSU did not have a bed for Bob immediately and transport kept being put on hold.

Leg massaging cuffs were put on his legs – they really didn’t stop the spreading edema, which was a direct result of the saline IV drip.

But, as you all know, the surgery was not a success … 

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2018/12/pancreatic-nightmare.html; https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2018/12/widowhood.html; https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2018/12/inconviences.html)

 … and Bob now resides beyond the clouds in our happy celestial Home where he waits for me.

It is a battle; every day.

I still believe this … 

I NEED this Bazaar this year to jump-start my new solo lobo life.

I need color in my life again.

This Bazaar event will not bring Bob back. It will not fix the shattered familial damage. It cannot change the landscape of my new and untraveled life’s journey. BUT it CAN bring color back into my life. And it CAN help ease me back into a social life.

Even as a solo lobo.