I woke up this morning thinking of Merle Haggard’s song, “Where The Lonely Go”.
Most of the time I’m not really lonely: I miss Bob, but it’s different than the lonelies.
But I have been feeling the lonelies lately since the blowout with the kids. I have friends – I go places – I do things …. but when the day’s activities stop, and friends go home, and the lights are turned down … there’s loneliness all around.
Like I said earlier this week – I lost my entire family this year. And none of them are coming back; I’m starting to feel it. It isn’t a nice feeling.
While I am not hitting the bars or singles scene, I was chasing after Bob's essence by trying to keep the kids in my life because he hoped his death would bring the family together. But, all avenues to that road has been closed. The kids don’t like each other … and they harbor an unjustifiable hatred towards me. It’s sad. It dishonors their father – and I don’t deserve the bitterness aimed at me.
Add to that frustration, my husband’s killers still walk around: I don’t have anything to do with them; but I still see them, because they live where I live. And greed & bitterness has taken the rest out of my life. I really can’t deal with other people’s bullshit right now. I’m STILL grieving the absence of my husband in my life - I don't need or want any more trauma dramas in my life: I have always has a low tolerance for drama queens. I don't make a place for them in my life or rent them space in my head.
People think I should be over grieving by now, but every day there’s some new wrinkle in the fabric of my life to face & overcome. And it makes the missing of Bob more acute; the pain of that sharp heartache is felt again … I don’t know when that will go away. So, while everyone is sitting around asking, ‘isn’t she over it yet?’ – I’m asking the same thing: “when will I ever get over it? Why am I not over it yet?” I can’t answer that question.
People think I should be over grieving by now, but every day there’s some new wrinkle in the fabric of my life to face & overcome. And it makes the missing of Bob more acute; the pain of that sharp heartache is felt again … I don’t know when that will go away. So, while everyone is sitting around asking, ‘isn’t she over it yet?’ – I’m asking the same thing: “when will I ever get over it? Why am I not over it yet?” I can’t answer that question.
I may never get over it.
And I do not need resentful or emotionally dead people draining me like energy vampires. Grief is hard enough to overcome without constantly being sucked back under by the energy vampires.
And I do not need resentful or emotionally dead people draining me like energy vampires. Grief is hard enough to overcome without constantly being sucked back under by the energy vampires.
But my friends, the people who love me, actively pursue me to include me, & WANT me in their lives, have stuck.
While the people I thought would love me, have bailed. There’s no love there. They don’t HOW to love is the problem. They just don’t know how to love. They’ve never learned how to take their eyes off themselves. They’ve never learned how to look past themselves to be empathetic and compassionate towards others.
They don’t know how to love.
They don’t know how to love.
And, truthfully, Bob didn’t know how to love either when we were first married. I mean, he loved ME – there was no doubt about THAT. He told me – he showed me – he proved that he loved me. Every day. He loved me. But, he didn’t know how to love outside his immediate circle; I had to teach him that – he didn’t know that instinctively. I can love everybody; I don’t have to agree with them to love them. I don’t love everybody on the same level that I love Bob, of course, because my love for Bob is different: it’s more deeper – it’s more passionate – it’s more internal – it’s more inclusive. It’s special. Bob completed me; and I completed Bob. We were 2 halves coming together to make a whole. But I can love people in general - even while keeping my heart safe. Bob had to be taught that. Because his family is very self-centered & self-serving. They don’t think about anybody else outside their circle. It’s a genetic flaw that runs through the family gene pool (our kids seem to have drawn a double on that flaw). And that’s not just me saying his family is flawed; I have had other people tell me the same thing. People that know the family. They have told me, even recently upon hearing of Bob’s passing, “Bob’s family is strange. They have a strange family dynamic – it’s like they have no feelings.” I wouldn’t go that far, but I do agree that they are shallow people. And they have favorites; not only do they not look outside the family circle (for them, ‘the family’ is “it”: they don’t include outsiders that are not blooded family members), they have favorites within the family circle. Those are the ones all the attention is given to, and the ‘oohs & ahhs’ are given. They don’t look past those favorites. When forced to acknowledge anyone else, they give a cursory nod and move along … to the favorites, totally ignoring the collateral damage left in their self-centered wake.
While putting the discs of Bob's life on reel into the laptop disc player, and watching the black and white silent home movies unfold, I can see that Bob was lost in the familial shuffle. It is sad.
Bob wasn't used to overt displays of love when we started dating. I liked touching him, hugging him, kissing him, and loving on him ... he got used to it and passed hugging onto his family: now they all hug all the time. His mother is still stiff-backed when she attempts to hug me, but I chalk that up to she has never fully accepted me into the family. Her loss. I'm a pretty good person to know. And love. Maybe some day they ... and our children ... will all learn how to fully love and extend that love outside {the circle}: I don't think I will live to see that day dawn. MPO
While putting the discs of Bob's life on reel into the laptop disc player, and watching the black and white silent home movies unfold, I can see that Bob was lost in the familial shuffle. It is sad.
Bob wasn't used to overt displays of love when we started dating. I liked touching him, hugging him, kissing him, and loving on him ... he got used to it and passed hugging onto his family: now they all hug all the time. His mother is still stiff-backed when she attempts to hug me, but I chalk that up to she has never fully accepted me into the family. Her loss. I'm a pretty good person to know. And love. Maybe some day they ... and our children ... will all learn how to fully love and extend that love outside {the circle}: I don't think I will live to see that day dawn. MPO
Bob, after we got married, watched me and started being more accepting of other people; and had friends that he made when he started opening up that remained close friends – lifelong friends. He found out that loving and being loved is fun. He learned to give love, and credited that to my loving him and teaching him to love. He became love personified because he gave it so freely. It was always there, inside him … he just had to learn how to unlock it and live life fully. And I liked watching that. I liked watching him ‘become’; I liked watching him opening up and unfurling. And including people - who were not family members - into his life.
It was a nice Fall day today; the weather was perfect. A nice bright Fall day with wood smoke on the air and color all around. I’m feeling okay about doing the Bazaar ;-)
Sign will be placed along the road way tomorrow morning.
I arrived at the grange a little after noon, and saw other vendors struggling to get their bins out of their vehicles and into the building while their husbands just sat in the vehicles. Not even offering to help. I was immediately SO thankful that Bob was a good husband to me and helped me, no matter what I was doing. Bob was a true husband. Elohim really blessed me when we brought us together.
The 2 tables I rented - they are in a good location.
Everything was laid out kinda hodge-podge. I'm still in a foggy funk. But I think the fog will lift tomorrow when people start showing up. I always enjoyed doing the Bazzars: I want to enjoy it again ...
I enjoyed designing and making my items. I think quite a bit of it will walk off to new homes Friday & Saturday. The social interactions will be good too :-D
I’m working real hard at building a new life that will keep the lonelies at bay. I want to see life through colorful lens again. Doing this Bazaar should help along those lines - Judy, the event coordinator, remembered me & we had a nice long chat while I started setting up. She was sorry to hear about Bob. Being in a friendly environment with familiar people and atmosphere will kelp ease me into my new life, I am sure.
Please, Elohim.
That would help me heal; and that would honor Bob.
Please, Elohim.
