I knew I was on shaky ground last night when I
listened to – and posted Janis Joplin’s “Misery ‘N”.
I wasn’t aware that I was going down that
path, until I posted the song to my FB Page.
My day was going pretty okay.
Nothing seemed out of kilter.
But that imp, Grief prodded me.
I’m not looking forward to the gray and
dreary days coming …
This is my 2nd Fall without Bob.
I always know it’s arriving.
I always think I am prepared.
I always find myself falling into a
disorienting whirlpool of swirling emotions.
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wxTWAl4mBZE)
I used to always – almost giddily –
anticipate Fall’s arrival.
Now, I dread the approach of Fall.
I always know it’s arriving.
I always think I am prepared.
We started building our life together, in the
Fall.
We helplessly watched our life together start
unraveling, in the Fall.
We were surprised at how fast it was
happening.
Fall is a ‘gloaming’ season.
The days are short.
The days are 50% dark.
The darkness seems to never end …
Fall leads to Winter.
Winter always represented birth to me.
Winter now represents death to me.
The gloaming days never bothered me before:
Fall and Winter was my favorite time of year (color pop in the Fall; white overlaid
pristine beauty of the Winter) – I waited with baited breath for Fall to
arrive and usher in Winter.
Winter used to be full of laughter.
Now, Winter is full or sorrow.
The gloaming days now bother me.
They trouble my mind.
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=katyIs-QkPY)
I now notice the darkness in the gloaming.
Bob was my Mr. Sunshine.
His smile lit up my world.
His laughter; music to my ears.
The light in my Mr. Sunshine started waning
in the afternoon of September 1st, 2018.
November 7th, 2018; the light was
seriously dimming.
By 8:05 AM, December 14th, the
light had gone out.
ONE HUNDRED SIX DAYS
It only took 106 days to wipe out a lifetime.
44 years gone: ((((POOF!))))
In a heartbeat … with a silent exhalation … I
was bumped from Wife to Widow.
(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/12/1-year-since-bobs-been-absent-from-my.html)
I was surprised at how fast it all happened.
There hasn’t been any real sunshine in my
life since 2018.
I knew, when I went to bed last night, that my
emotions were stretched thin.
I dropped off to sleep without any hassles.
I actually slept until 9 AM … I’ve been
keeping Bob’s hours, getting up at 6 AM … so I felt a little guilty sleeping in
until 9.
Just a little …
My brain needed the ‘down time’.
I didn’t lay there too long.
I surprised myself by throwing back the
covers, pulling clothes on, tying my hiking shoes – and grabbing the key fob.
I was leaving the house without
making the bed.
I could visualize Bob’s startled expression.
I was startled myself 😉
The bed always got made.
Always.
No matter what.
Military upbringing – the bed always got made
as soon as our feet hit the floor.
Before the day got under way.
But, not today.
Today, I was escaping unwanted thoughts.
I hiked the Pacific Way Trail.
Without any guilt at all about the unmade
bed, back home 😉
I saw a fuzzy wuzzy straight off … almost
stepped on it; and that brought a whole slew of other memories into my
scattered thoughts.
Bob and I had walked this dike hike for
decades; we walked it with our granddaughter when she was a child – the last
time we walked it together, was with our 4-year-old grandson – who was
mesmerized by a fuzzy wuzzy.
Tears threatened.
But they did not fall.
I don't know what Bob & Aza
were talking about, but they were intent on it.
The hike helped.
But I still miss Bob.
A lot.
Not a raw missing anymore.
But an acute missing just the same.
When I got home and collected the mail, I saw
that the AT/T bill had finally arrived … and so had notification to renew the Car
Licensing.
Back into town I went.
I paid AT/T first.
Then I crossed town, and paid the State their
demanded hefty fee for the privilege of driving my car on roads that are constantly
torn up in continual repair mode.
That imp, Grief, was still raising hell with
my emotions … and absentmindedly I slapped the renewal tab onto the license
plate in the wrong place … and had to go back inside DOL to get another “October”
sticker to make the cops’ job easier for them when/if I get pulled over.
I felt stupid.
I know I’m not stupid.
But I felt stupid.
I didn’t appreciate Grief making me look stupid.
I slammed the car door, and drove home, missing
Bob a lot.
I am trying not to hate this time of year.
But tonight … this full-grown woman (Bob’s
‘Lady’) … is feeling little girl blue ☹
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gH4kAsf8IlQ)
I know that most of the time I do okay.
I know that these blue-tinged-days will only
be until the first of the New Year.
I also know that if insleeze doesn’t open
this State back up so we can all get back to living our lives and staving off
the melancholy cloud, the blue mood of these short 106 days will bleed over
into 2021.
Some semblance of normalcy is needed.
Widowing under ‘normal circumstances’ is
hard.
Widowing under the political ridiculousness
of 2020 has been sheer hell.
The Fall/Winter gloaming doesn’t help the
situation.
I hope: this time, next year, I’ll be better
prepared and a little less likely to fall into Fall …ing.
