I WON'T BACK DOWN

Monday, June 24, 2019

SURVIVAL IS NOT A CHOICE


When Bob’s physical body was dying … and even after his earthen vessel did die, 1 of my SIL’s would tell people, “she is a rock.”

But I wasn’t a rock.

I was doing what had to be done in a numb state of mind because inside I was crumbling and desperately trying to keep it together.

Bob was my whole world: and my whole world had been taken away from me. I was scrambling for firm footing.

The “rock” had a hairline fracture that would significantly widen over the next 3 months after the shock wore off and legal business had been tended to,

The people who loved Bob and me understood that would eventually happen – and they never left me alone; even though I had specifically requested I be left alone for a while. I knew I was barely hanging on emotionally, and I hate breaking down in front of people. I rarely even cried in front of Bob. Crying always meant weakness to me … and I hate to appear weak. But our loving friends hung around and hovered over me after Bob’s graduation. In the beginning, they just called daily and listened to me cry; and talk when I eventually could talk without choking on words. In February they started coming around more often – by April, they were plotting kidnapping ventures and getting me out of the house and out of my head, as much as they could. They still do that. LOL

I didn’t even know I had friends that loved me like Bob did (okay, not quite like Bob did, but close – very close). I am not very good at being social – being social was Bob’s thing. I am a lobo.

But our friends had been watching me. They understood that even lobos are not islands unto themselves.

And they were quick to come alongside me and let me know I was not alone. Even though I was alone.

I honestly do not think I could have made it through the wilderness without them; and they were dealing with their own losses too: 1 lost a mother (just a few short months before Bob ended up in the hospital), and 1 lost a father (just a month before Bob ended up in OHSU). We were all grieving.

But they called us every day while we were in the hospitals; local and in Oregon.

Bob left knowing he was loved.

And Bob left knowing I would BE loved when he was no longer here to comfort me.

I thank God for my friends.


TRYING TO FIND BALANCE


My husband liked food.

All the Hargands’ like their food.

All of the Hargand’s (with the exception of Bob's mother, who, in MHO is seriously too thin) are seriously overweight … me included.

After Bob graduated to our celestial home on December 14th, 2018, I noticed in February that I had shed a remarkable 25 pounds!

Even though I was eating every day.

My eating habits had changed – Bob liked his meat and potatoes type of meals with deserts; me, not so much. I am happy with soups, stews, and casserole type meals. I do like cookies & peanut butter on saltines though, and THAT would be my downfall no matter what I do to curb the weight and rein it in.

My double chin is gone and I don’t look like a chipmunk with stuffed cheeks anymore.

That is good: VERY GOOD :-D

But my weight has been holding steady ever since then; if I could drop another 25 pounds, I’d be tickled pink: still overweight, but I understand that at 62, a little extra weight isn’t necessarily a bad thing: (https://www.theseniorlist.com/blog/four-reasons-extra-weight-older-adults/)

So: I am trying to find a balance.



I have started a calorie counting regime every day to tally the meals I eat … MORE discernment is needed in regards to what I eat, when I eat it, and how often I enjoy it: I can still eat what I enjoy, but I just have to spread it out a bit more throughout the months. That I can do because now that I am only 1, my meals get broken down into serving sizes and frozen for future meals. Thank God I have 2 freezers.

This is how I eat now, and how I also freeze future meals: 1/4 of my plate holds a palm-sized portion of protein (either animal meat or bean ‘meat’ based); 1/4 of my plate holds a fist-sized portion of whole grain food stuff (https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/whole-grain-foods#section14)here I have to be very careful because my body does not digest whole grains, but rather causes internal damages: so I have to be very selective and very, very careful to break it down to safely eat it so it does not tear me up inside; the last 1/2 of my plate is piled with veggies (I love veggies – Bob not so much). Bob always 1/2 a plate of meat, and the rest of his plate was filled with a good portion of a desert and/or a fruit, and very skimpy on the veggies – unless, the vegetable was potatoes. LOL

Reportedly, women should also be getting at least 20-25 grams of fiber a day into their bodies (men shouldn’t?). Thankfully, there are food stuffs other than the dangerous “ify” whole grains, that I can actually eat … and that I actually enjoy eating ;-) (https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/22-high-fiber-foods#section23) That these foods are safe for me to eat, and safe to make their way through my body without causing havoc in their wake, is a mega plus. The idea is that fiber psyches the body into believing it is full – and that curbs the need to feed the ever-hungry-appetite.

But losing weight isn’t enough to be healthy.

Eating well, exercising, staying hydrated, & sleeping well are also important in staying balanced.

Well … I am eating well; and watching it closely in that area of my ‘balanced’ strategy.

And I am staying hydrated – I drink a LOT of coffee, which is a dehydrator, but I balance out my joy-juice cuppa’s with vegetable and fruit juices, as well as bottled waters. So, I feel I am good in that area.

Sleeping well is a bit of a struggle since Bob is no longer with me in the flesh. Since he left me behind, I figure I average about 3 to 4 hours of sleep a night, and sometimes (not always), I manage a short 1 to 2 hr daytime nap when my battery runs low and needs a recharge. So, I do know that I am lacking in the sleep department, but don’t know exactly how to remedy that besides asking Elohim to send Bob back to me. And THAT is never gonna happen.

I have taken major steps towards an actual exercising regime. I used to be an exercise maniac, but when Bob retired and was home all the time, exercise – except for our daily walkabouts and monthly mountain hikes – fell by the wayside. I settled into his sedentary habits. Now, he is no longer here, and I need to get back to giving my body a full body workout again.

SO …

I have started exercising to Senior Exercising Videos, and I called David this morning to draft him into a scheduled walking exercise routine. He agreed, and we begin tomorrow morning at the Lake across from RAL High School. David is an old friend of both Bob & I … and he is retired to now, so he was a natural choice. Still … picking up the phone and asking him to go with me was a HUGE STEP out of my comfort zone for me: had not Bob instilled in me confidence, I could not have done it. It is a beginning :-D

All my gal pals have had knee surgery and are scared to overuse their brand-new-knees. Go figure.

Several of my senior friends have told me they go to dance classes at the Senior Center, but I dance around my home to the background beat of golden oldies blaring from the speakers while I cook or do housecleaning chores, so I am good in that aspect ;-)

On the  other hand concerning exercise, I figure if I manage muscle (legs, hips, shoulders, chest, abdomen, and arms) strengthening exercises as exampled in the videos I use at 8 to 12 repetitions twice daily (as well as tacking on the climbing my porch stairs, and carrying heavy loads like groceries or gardening things) at least twice a week; and if I manage balance training exercises like walking heel-to-toe, standing from a sitting position (which I do constantly every day, all day), as well as the other recommended simple senior balance exercises (https://seniorsforseniors.ca/best-exercises-to-help-seniors-maintain-their-balance), I will be doing my body and myself huge favors that will pay off in dividends like a healthier life and the ability to continue living independently in our home until Elohim calls me home too.

Do any of these activities I do add up to the recommended 150 to 300 minutes of physical activity the medical field says seniors NEED? I don’t know … I never tallied up the time spent doing any of them. Maybe I will start keeping a tally sheet.

But WHATEVER I do, my goal is to shed some more pounds and get back to a healthy weight again (https://www.healthline.com/health/womens-health/average-weight-for-women#relationship-between-weight-and-height), using common sense; remembering that I am now 62, not 22 ;-)

Starving myself or driving my body beyond the limitations is not in the present notations … trying to find balance IS.