Thursday, February 21, 2019

I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH MORE I CAN STAND


I am not going to survive Bob's graduation.

Honest to God.

My heart just had a serious workout and my mind went full tilt while I wailed like a wild woman - anyone walking past the house would have heard me and probably called the booby hatch for an immediate pickup.

I don't know what prompted me to look inside my tiny Urn this morning, but I picked it up, unscrewed the lid and looked inside ... NO ASH! It was empty.I have been kissing an empty Urn every night before I go to sleep, thinking I was kissing my husband.

I know it sounds wacky.

But that is what I have decided to do every night to get through the nights without him beside me in the bed.

Anyway; when I saw the tiny Urn was empty, I went cold with shock, then I stared wailing thinking Merry and I had missed that little packet of cremains when we did the transfer February 14th, putting his cremains in his Cremains Box and filling each kids' & grandkids' tiny Urns, and a packet had been thrown in the trash with the rest of the packing refuse.

I was beside myself with shock, grief, guilt, and panic. Shock because my Urn was empty/grief because Bob is gone and I miss his presence more than I can put into words - and now I didn't even have any cremains ash to hang onto/guilt because I am still in a fog mentally and was not careful to make sure things got done carefully February 14th/and panic because it was possible 1 little packet had been trashed!

I was a wet faced, heart-thumping mess standing in the bedroom trying not to fly apart and mentally kicking myself.

When I finally calmed down and got a grip on my emotions, I called the funeral home and asked if they would look back in their records and tell me how many packets I had requested be set aside for the kids' and grandkids'. They checked and I as told I had asked for a count of 6.

IMMEDIATE RELIEF! Thank You, Yeshua!

I had asked for 6 little packets to be set aside ... Merry and I had filled 6 little Urns; but I been shipped 7 little Urns - confusion laid to rest. Guilt alleviated. Panic settled down. I started breathing easy again. I don't know why I was shipped 7 little Urns because we only have 2 grown children and 4 grandchildren, and I never intended to keep any cremains ash for myself. But I am glad now that I have the little Urn, which will be filled and later buried with my cremains in my Cremains Box when my time comes to be placed with Bob in Eden Valley. When Merry can get away and come over again, she will help me fill my little urn FOR SURE THIS TIME - reopening Bob's Cremains Box and removing 1 Tablespoon for me.

I am glad I opened my little Urn this morning and peeked inside. Even with the emotional upheaval; it would have been tragic to have found this out later on ... AFTER Bob's cremains had been laid in Eden Valley.

Please Elohiem! I don’t know how much more I can stand; and keep standing.

THE BOOK OF ROMANS ~Chapter 7


THE BOOK OF ROMANS ~Chapter 7

“Do you know, brethren – I am speaking to those who know something of the Law – that The Law rules a man’s actions only during his lifetime? Thus, by the Law, a married woman is bound to her husband while he is alive. Then, if the husband dies, The Law sets her free from him. Accordingly, if she married another man while her husband is still living, she would be called an adulteress. But if her husband dies, The Law sets her free and she would not be an adulteress if she married some other man.

My brethren, your situation is quite similar. Through the body of Mashiach, you are no longer under The Law, so that you may now belong to Another; yes, to Him Who was raised from the dead in order that we may bear fruit for Elohim. On the other hand, while we were living worldly lives, our sinful passions – aroused by what is sin under The Law – were operating in our bodies to bring a harvest of death. But now we are released from The Law, and having died to what held us in its grip, so we are free to serve Elohim in newness of spirit, and not in the old way according to the letter of The Law.

Now what shall we say? That The Law is sin? Not at all! But it was The Law that made clear my knowledge of sin. For example, I should not have been aware of covetousness if The Law had not said, ‘You shall not covet’. The Law gave sin occasion to express itself, and in my own case, it stimulated all sorts of covetousness. But without The Law, sin is lifeless.

There was a time when I, too, did not have The Law, and I was, so to speak, ‘alive’. Then The Law came to me and sin came to life – and I ‘died’. The very commandment which was intended to bring life, actually proved to be a sentence unto death to me. The commandment gave sin a chance, and sin deceived me and caused my death.

Again I say, The Law is holy – each commandment of it is holy and just and good. Was it this good thing that brought death to me? No, indeed! It was sin that did it, and the purpose was that sin might be recognized as sin. It brought death to me through something that was good, and thus through the good commandment sin becomes exceedingly sinful. We know that The Law is spiritual; it is I who is sensual, sold to the slavery of sin.

Therefore I am no master of what I do. I do things that I do not want to do. In fact, I do the very things that I hate to do. I acknowledge that The Law is right by the fact that I do what I do not want to do. It is not really I, myself, who am doing this, but sin that holds sway over me. For I know that in me – that is, in my flesh – there dwells nothing good. I sometimes want to do what is right, but do not have the power. Instead of doing the good that I want to do, I do the evil that I do not want to do.

But since I do not do what I want to do, it is sin that dwells in me that does it, and not I. This, then, is what I find. The Law works this way: when I want to do right, evil is present with me. In my inmost self I delight in the Law of Elohei. But in my body I see another law, one that conflicts with the Law of my mind, one that makes me a slave to the law of sin which is in my body.

What a miserable man I am! Who can free me from my own sinful body? I thank Elohim that it has been done through Adonai Yeshua Ha’Mashiach! Of myself, with my mind I am a servant of The Law of Elohei; but in my flesh I am slave to the law of sin.