I CAN’T LOVE YOU BACK …

After my garden walk-through/gleaning/& watering, earlier in the day … I decided to stretch my comfort zone a bit more, and revisited the 48^th dike trail for a solo walk.

This was the first time I have been back there since July of 2018.

It went better than anticipated.

And though the day got windy, it really was a very nice and pleasant hike.

I think I can do it again – with a bit more ease.

It is HARD rebuilding a fractured life.

It is hard to revisit those places we used to enjoy together, now, as a solo lobo.

But it is necessary.

Because I will never remarry.

I will never date.

And I am deliberately starting out my new life, by revisiting the places Bob & I used to go together, because I don’t want them to hamstring my heart; and cripple me emotionally:

I had stopped at the Boondox Market to grab a Vanilla Coke; and when I got back out to the car, a ray of sunlight highlighted several looooong scratches on the driver's door! WTH? There must have been a bit of gritty dirt on the side when I took it to the car wash this weekend at Les Schwab's. This is why Bob never used curb-side car washes - they don't hose the muck off before they start swishing the rags around. But, I HAVE to use them now. My poor car: now, it is the wounded carrying the wounded to and fro ... and it s only 2 years old: we bought it when we moved here, to Heron Pointe, because the carport is tight; and I was afraid I would back into a post with the truck (shown below): so we traded the truck in for this car. I suppose, on some level, the 'wounds' along the side of the car seems 'right' somehow - to match my wounded life. Neither will ever be perfect again :-(

This Toyota Tundra pickup truck was a LUXURY RIDE - it had ALL the bells and whistles; and we loved it. The color called to us when we drove by the dealership parking lot: we had a 1970's 'Cuda, exactly the same color ... and we loved that 'Cuda too ;-) So we drove into the dealership and bought it - trading Bob's 1996 2-tone Ford Diesel for it. We got top-dollar for the trade because Bob always took excellent care of his vehicles - and 2nd-hand diesel trucks, in top condition, are in high demand. In this picture, Bob is showing our granddaughter, Alyna, how the truck operates, because she was helping with the split-driving (divided into 3rd's); when we all drove down in Vegas to see her newborn baby brother in July of 2014. We drove straight through; from Washington to Vegas - and arrived in a little under 18 hours of straight driving. The truck was brand-new: we had only purchased it days before ... I am glad we "wasted money" on things that gave Bob pleasure. He worked hard, all his life, for what little retirement and social security monies he managed to secure. I am glad he got to enjoy HIS EARNINGS before his life ended.

Solo Dike Hike: stretching my comfort zone a little bit more ...

Great Blue Heron. Bob always liked seeing one.

I got too close ... and it flew to the other side of the slough.

Country setting along the dike ...

Ducks & slough pumping for garden watering.

BLESS YOU WITH LOVE …

I was up early this morning: 5:30 a.m.

As soon as possible (when it was safe to make noise in the neighborhood without pissing people off), I went outside to water my garden area.

There is a good reason I was not named Grace …

While I was in my garden area, I felt surrounded by Bob’s love.

And blessed to have had him in my life for 3/4^th’s of my life. Moving forward in my new life, using his last love gifts - designed & built specifically for me ... and perfect because he KNEW me SO WELL, blesses me even more:

Early morning gleanings ... it is sufficient for me: I am only 1 now.

2 Eggplants on the same stem. This plant is new to my garden - so it is a learning process. I think I will need 2 of these plants next year. And I will keep them under a makeshift "greenhouse" of sorts - this year was really COLD until last week; these need more warmth to do well ...

Ripening Roma's. I can't wait to sink my teeth into 1, as soon as they are ripe enough! This was a "compact" plant, because that is what I need here - I think I will plant an extra tomato plant next Spring to get the amount of tomatoes I need to get me from Spring to Spring.

Shallots maturing - now that I see they do well here, I will plant more next year. 

Sweet teeny-tiny tomatoes from the 'Sweet Pea Currant Tomato' plant. I need another one next year! These are adorable, and I will definitely need 1 more plant ;-)

The Orange blossomed Begonia finally blossomed. Normally, it is bushier, but I have been in a brain freeze since December 14th, 2018 ... and I didn't pay attention to my plants' needs this year ...

The Hyssop bush really took off when the sun came out of hiding! This plant is also new to my garden area this year. It is a perennial, in our temperate region.

A surprise! I was not expecting to see a 2nd blooming of this old-fashioned Cabbage Leaf Begonia. But I was pleased ;-)

The Mini-Carnations, Bob liked, are still blooming; despite my grieving neglect: I will have to be more attentive next year - this plant usually really pumps the little fragrant flowers out. But this year I have not been as 'on-top-of-things' as I usually am - and my plants are pouting ...

Geraniums: again, these flowers are usually very full and bushy. Next year they WILL BE again. I have had these plants for decades; I don't want to lose them because I came close to losing myself.

Harbinger of Fall ... 

Unless Elohim favors me with an 'Indian Summer' bounty, I am afraid my gardening efforts this year is a bust. Next Spring, though, I should be able to get back to gardening full-swing as usual. These Bell Pepper plants really needed a make-shift "greenhouse" over them during the wonky weather we had this year.

Vanilla Marigolds.

Jack-be-Little Pumpkins.

Russian Kale: NOT what I ordered >;-P I like Russian Kale ... and normally order it; but this year I wanted a compact plant, so I ordered Kalettes. THIS IS NOT what I ordered. I have noticed that most of my Territorial Seed Order was seriously screwed up - and nearly ALL of the transplant plants were diseased. I will not be ordering from them again.

THIS is what I ordered - it is a tight kale rosette growing on a brussel sprout-like-trunk. The Kale above, looks NOTHING like the 'Kalette' kale seeds I ordered (shown). And the seed wasn't cheap either!

After I came back in the house, I happened to glance out the window while eating lunch, and noticed that my bashful Lily had bloomed while I wasn't looking ;-) If Candy starts bitching about the "old container pots" - I just might haul off and deck her. This container pot belonged to Bob's Grandma Smalley - it was 1 of several, that Myrtle gave to me: and I still use them all ... and they are STILL holding up: they may not look pretty, BUT they get the job done - and they mean A LOT TO ME. Myrtle welcomed me into the family with love, telling me, "I like you; you are good for Bobby." I loved Myrtle like she was my own grandmother. I will ditch them when they crack and fall apart - NOT before: in my garden, I am surrounded by love. And Candy can go to hell, where she belongs.

I checked the seed catalog and the 'Jack-be-Little' seed advertisement is not matching the gleaned tiny, hard, pumpkins smirking at me from their perch on the kitchen island ...

I 'sized' these things by my hand: it fit perfectly into the PALM of my HAND! I measured my palm, and 3" by 3"is pretty small - Bob's hand was twice the size of mine; not sure how "edible" these things will actually be. I don't think this will be a repeat next year.

Heron Pointe is where I live … it is not my nirvana.

But it CAN BE – with Bob’s love gifts, my little sliver of homespun ‘Eden’ ;-)

I love you, Babe.

Always.

OX

NEW LIFE/NEW BUSINESS NAME

The end of this month will be the official beginning of my new life – the end of this month is when our life started unraveling … and we were never able to recoup it; for all their hype talk, the doctors couldn’t “fix” it.

And we were okay with that: we KNEW Bob was going Home: to that wonderful Celestial City beyond the clouds ...

We just never thought, before August 30th, 2018 - on his birthday, of ALL days! - he’d be making the journey alone.

Without me.

For 45 years we had done E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G.T.O.G.E.T.H.E.R.

But now, I have been (since August 30th, 2018) – and in the future, will be, doing everything by myself.

December 14^th, 2018 just finalized that fact.

So …

I don’t know, yet, IF I will be doing the Bazaar Circuit alone this year; or not.

But, IF I decide to, I can’t sell me – or my designs – as “2Turtle Doves Designs” anymore: I am only 1 turtle dove now; my other half … the 2^nd turtle dove, now resides in Heaven.

Hence a new business Name Logo; and the need to make new item tags and re-tag everything in my cache bins:

Embarking towards a new business Name/Logo with new tags.

Making tags after the Jewish Hamsa Hand, with this blessing in mind: “Let no sadness come to this heart, Let no trouble come to theses arms, Let no conflict come to these eyes, Let my soul be filled with the blessing of joy & peace.”

The laying out ... and tagging of items in bin 1.

 One laptop has died - and I listened to music on the other, while I worked.

100 items tagged & back in the cache bin; at least another 100 (or more) to tag & store.

It is a long process … and a tedious undertaking.

But, it needs to be done.

I'm in a fight for my life.