I can’t stand being cooped up – never could.
Overthinking is not a good thing.
Today, of all days, it is not a good thing.
Sitting here in Bob’s recliner, looking out
the livingroom window.
Edgy with emotions memories are pricking.
21 months/1 hour & 15 minutes; in a year
of covid-19 and wildfire madness.
No way to escape the missingness.
Normally, I would be outside dinking around
in my garden area; gleaning what needs to be harvested, or tearing down
structures that need to be stored overwinter. Maybe I’d even throw a short
Daytrip adventure into the day’s unfolding … but, I can’t get outside.
{Tolerant} anarchist stupids, insanely goaded with political fevered hatred
towards 1 man and a lifestyle of freedom they have systematically been
programed to destroy, have set the entire PNW on fire. The crazy amount of
suffocating smoke that hangs in a sickening pall over 3 states keeps me trapped
inside my home: something covid restrictions never could.
Just can't catch a break: 9:30 AM - 1:58 PM - 4:52 PM & 7:12 PM
September 14th, 2020
And being inside is wearing on the nerves.
My home is a cozy little trap … but it IS
a trap, nonetheless. Through no fault of my own, I am confined to an indoor
environment – and my movements are limited. I am not limited by the size of my
home; by scale, my home is actually too large for one person. Neither am I
limited by handicap restrictions. What makes my cozy trap limiting, is the fact
that oxygen is very precious right now, during these days of
in-house-confinement: there is no way to refresh the inside air as it recycles.
Recycling stale air simply moves stale air around – it does not freshen it with
healthy fresh air. I’ve been in-house since last Tuesday: fresh air is quickly
being soured and becoming toxic.
Outside fresh air is a luxury that won’t be
available for months.
And, of course, ALL the demonrat governors
are reviving the need to “get serious about climate control!” They should be
focusing on getting control of the blm rioting and firebug activity connected
with the rioting. THAT IS THE PROBLEM with what is happening
here in the PNW; climate control can best be “controlled” by controlling the
useful political tools creating the chaos resulting in the toxic air quality
DIRECTLY LINKED TO the blm craziness SUPPORTED BY the crazy demonrat governors
in every PNW state.
It’s political madness run amok.
It’s an unnecessary complication.
When I considered the end days of my life …
I never thought of dreading my favorite time of the year – I used to
anticipate Fall and Winter months with joyous anticipation: now they just hold
painful sadness that is very hard to push past. I want to rush past the painful
memories and skip forward to Spring, and the busyness Spring brings with it, that
keeps my mind too occupied to entertain sadness.
Bob had this picture on his cell phone screen (10 years); ‘til the day he replaced that phone 2-½ years ago, with the smart phone I now use.
Precious & Me, 2007. I was 51 yo; Precious was 2 yo.
Bob knew if I was crying, I was feeling frustratingly trapped.
If I was feeling trapped, I was mentally pacing like my wolf – looking for an {open}
so I could spring free. The first time Bob brought company home and saw
Precious pacing back and forth because she did not know them, and she felt
trapped; he laughed, and said, “Val … she looks like you do when you need
to break loose.”
Right now, these stinking wildfires are giving me no escape
route from memories I do not want to relive: memories of Bob’s life starting to
slip away 2 years ago.
Mentally pushing against the overwhelming missingness.
Feeling the essence of Bob everywhere – and nowhere.
Alternately crying and laughing; mood depending on whatever
memory pops into my thoughts, and plays itself out in living color.
Doing my level best not to whine too much on facebook – on my
personal Page, or in the widow’s groups I am part of. People in the path of wildfires
are posting their experiences on facebook too, and people do not want to hear
about my 2-year struggle concerning a dead man when there is current real-time
life and death happening in the moment/every moment. People in the present have
lost their towns, their homes, their material possessions … some lost lives.
I am better off than some.
I KNOW THAT.
But my inner balance is being tipped – I know that too.
Overthinking … trying to stay afloat.
Refusing to feel helpless and hopeless.
Praying fervently to Almighty God that these
shut-ins are not going to morph into ‘the new norm’.
**NOTE: I heard rainfall right after this post was posted – what a
blessing! We’ve only had 2 brief rainfalls all year long … this rain is VERY
WELCOME. Especially now :-D
