Bob was my greatest gift of love.
And he gave and gave and gave me love
throughout our 44 years together.
46 years ago, this month, a mutual
acquaintance rushed Bob across Cathlamet’s Main Street to introduce us to each
other telling us we should get to know each other.
And, I was not interested.
I was already seeing someone; Doug – my on-again/off-again
boyfriend and I had an understanding, and we were actively dating at that
particular time. So, when David rushed Bob across the street to meet me, I wasn’t
interested. And I was pretty pissed with David, thinking this thing with
that tall stranger was just another ploy to drive a wedge between Doug and me.
I wasn’t having any of it. I shot David a glare and dropped my eyes to stare at
the stranger’s shoes.
Brown hush puppies.
I was so aggravated with the situation that I
didn’t even catch the tall good-looking stranger’s name. I wasn’t interested.
But, that memory always makes me smile this
time of year.
After that introduction – and before I
lowered my eyes; A LOT WAS SEEN.
And stored in my gray matter’s
memory bank ;-)
Before my eyes stayed glued to the brown hush
puppies, they had seen and recorded to my brain: “tall, good-looking fella,
with brown hair that skimmed the upturned collar of the blue plaid jacket
warming the broad shoulders, held at an angle (which I would learn later,
meant Bob was shy and uncertain in the moment). Hands in the pockets of
said jacket while he stood there in front of me, looking me over as we were
introduced. Long legs clad in blue jeans. Brown hush puppy shoes.
A few weeks later, Bob and I would be thrown
together again: this time, by Doug, who was working with/renting a room at Bob’s
house. Doug was throwing a kegger, and insisted I be there. I wasn’t drinking, so
I set myself up as door monitor because everyone there was underage and we didn’t
want trouble with over-21-party crashers … or the cops. I carded Bob as soon as
he walked through the door in that same blue plaid jacket, wearing blue jeans,
brown hush puppies, and a killer sexy smile – this time I paid attention to the
face I didn’t pay attention to on Main Street: and I got his Name too … it was
right there, on his Driver’s License. And the face on the Driver’s License
was ‘The Face’ I fell in love with 7 years earlier!
Bob was paying attention to me too, by the
time I handed his DL back to him we were inseparable from that moment on :-D
4 months later we were married.
Wedding picture. August 27th, 1974.
Bob was my greatest gift of love.
14 months … and I still can’t get used to Bob
being physically gone from my life.
I am stronger today than I was today, last
year. But the struggle is still real; every day.
Today, last year, I was 2 months and 24 days
into widowhood. I didn’t recognize myself – I was always a strong woman,
capable of plowing through any situation without breaking a sweat, to do what
needed to be done.
But today, last year, I was shaking like a
leaf in a strong breeze. SO MUCH had happened in those 2 months and 24 days
after I’d been bumped from Wife to Widow: funeral arrangements, having outstanding
contracts switched from Bob’s Name to my Name, dealing with the Hospital
Finance Liaison, and dealing with the local Social Security Office tarter who
made me feel like a thief – the illegals that walked in and out of that
office were not treated as badly as I was. I was also desperately ill with
influenza … but bill collectors and the Social Security Administrators don’t extend
grace periods – they expect their pound of flesh, with no mercy. But Elohim
was faithful.
This time, last year, it was a real struggle
to get past the front door – I would freeze every time my hand reached out to
the door knob; driving had become tricky business since my initiation into
widowhood. Just getting into town to grocery shop was a major accomplishment
back then. During those days, I felt like I was losing my mind – standing at
the door and willing myself to open it and get into car, knowing Bob would
not be with me along for the ride. He would not be smiling that sexy smile
anymore. He would not be singing with the music. He would not be reaching for
my hand, or holding it over the console. He would not be walking beside me. The
emotions were overwhelming.
And, if by chance, I actually made it all the
way into town without freezing up … I’d cry all the way back home. It wasn’t
something planned: it just happened. Out of the blue. Bob’s sister, Merry, told
me it was understandable because Bob and I had been married for 44 years and we
did everything together; but it was kinda frightening when the emotional tidal wave
rolled over me.
I couldn’t explain what I was dealing with,
with our children. They couldn’t understand. They thought I was being ‘difficult’.
It had, after all, been 2 months and 24 days – I should have ‘snapped out of
it’.
I didn’t know then … and I don’t know now …
how people can go back to work; and when they do, how they don’t get fired.
I was numb: my brain felt cobwebby.
I honestly, do not know how
anything I absolutely had to do, got done.
9 days out of 10, I didn’t recognize myself.
And if I couldn’t explain what I was experiencing to myself – I for sure, could
not explain the situation and circumstances to anyone else.
Elohim was faithful, and gifted me with love;
HE understands. No explaining needs to be done.
Over the course of the past 14 months, my
life has drastically changed. People I hoped would stand by me … if not for
my sake alone, at least to honor their brother, nephew, Father, and Grandfather
… abandoned me; some friends dropped off the radar – our lives are vastly
different now: new friends have replaced them. My story is not something novel:
I hear the same story from other widows and widowers; but I feel it acutely
because it is MY story … happening to ME.
I have learned to live on 1 meager income –
and frugally enjoy pretty much everything Bob and I enjoyed together; my
daytrips have been whittled down from weekly to monthly, but at least
they are still happening ;-) I have learned to do things that Bob
always did for 44 years. I am doing things that I have never done before –
with or without Bob. Very little of Bob’s stuff remains in the house or the
shed now; if people didn’t know Bob and I as a couple, they wouldn’t know the
transformation that has taken place in the house or shed, but I know. I’ve
become more outgoing; I refuse to become a recluse – I’ve always shied away
from social gatherings, but now that Bob is no longer here, I get out of the
house several times a week just to interact with other people.
Elohim is faithfully bestowing upon me, the
gift of love.
Today, I’ve been checking my Bucket List notations,
and searching the internet to gather locale addresses for places I want to
check out. I want to revisit some places Bob and I daytripped to … and, I want
to add some new destinations and events as a solo lobo. I want the comfort of
familiarity, and the excitement of new experiences.
I’ve always been a
trailblazer; Bob “got” that about me ;-)
Today, I also looked through the picture folders
on Bob’s computer for this date; and found these pics from our 2015 daytrip to the
Ridgefield National Wildlife Refuge. We have been to the Refuge several times,
and even in 2018 before Bob graduated to a higher and better way of living –
but these pictures are from March 10th, 2015, because that is the
folder I was browsing today. I don’t know if I’ll revisit this place, or not,
but today I am sharing some pictures here on my Blog …
Watched ducks swimming in Gee Creek, at Abrams Park. We also saw some fresh water eels too – YUK! Like water snakes; creeped me out.
At the Ridgefield National Wildlife Refuge, we decided to walk a trail we hadn’t ever done before. Daffodils along the trail.
We had planned to come back and cross this footbridge … maybe I’ll do that myself.
Cathlapotle Plankhouse Lodge.
We thought this was cool ;-) Bob walking down the slight incline to read the sign: the lodge was closed for the Winter; maybe it will be open if I decide to go back as solo lobo.
Pretty little wildflowers along the path – and a snake too: I squealed and practically jumped into Bob's arms; & Bob laughed. I hate snakes.
Following one of the trails, we came upon a lake deep in the forest.
A bit around the lake, we came upon a ‘No Trespass’ sign – so we backtracked.
Leaving the hiking trails, we drove the Auto Tour Route around the Refuge wetlands.
Great Blue Heron.
A beaver dam.
Great White Egret
A muskrat – I was glad to leave that behind! A rat is a rat and I don’t want anything to do with them. Eeew
Canadian Geese.
Flocks of geese resting.
White Swans.
The Refuge is only half an hour from home,
but it was a Daytrip trip because Bob always stretched out our roadtrips by
hitting every backroad between here and there; he knew I loved being on the
backroads.
Bob was a good man, and a loving husband to me.
If I do decide to revisit these places, I can
go confidently knowing Adonai Yeshua Ha’Mashiach goes before me, preparing the
way before I even set out … and Bob’s eyes will be on me from above.
I’ll be traveling in Bob’s last gift of love
to me – the 2017 Horizon.
And though the passenger seat is now empty, I
am never alone :-D
