I WON'T BACK DOWN

Tuesday, October 15, 2019

BEGGING OFF THE HOLIDAYS


I went for a walk along the Pennsylvania Avenue Dike this afternoon. It was enjoyable – but I did miss Bob being with me. He would have enjoyed the walk today.

It was bittersweet for me. I enjoy walking; I enjoy walking in various places. There is NO place really, spanning all of Cowlitz County, Wahkiakum County, Lewis County, Clark County, Pierce County, Chelan County, Pacific County, Clatsop County where we did not walk together while we were together … no matter where I walk, Bob will always be a part of those walks.

While I was walking, the kids called: and I begged off the holidays again this year. I just can’t do them right now – they understood. I couldn't do them last year because I was in the hospitals August thru December 14th; then I was grappling with widowhood: this year I am grieving, which I didn't really start to do until after March 2019 after funeral stuff was settled. Even now, because of legalities issues, I am not fully able to grieve because life keeps interfering with that hard and necessary process. Every interruption sets the process back and interferes with getting on with life. It's a ride that apparently there is no brake for.

I still cry sometimes talking about Bob; today was one of those days. Probably because of where I was in the moment … and possibly because while we were talking a Great Blue Heron lifted up and flew over my head – and a White Egret was fishing practically at my feet - and Bob liked to watch herons as much as he liked to watch eagles. Every time I see an eagle or a heron I think of Bob:

Bob would be calling my attention to the bird.
Bob would have liked to see this .. and correcting me, telling me that “this bird is a ‘heron’, not a crane.” LOL Egrets are really just a type of heron, while cranes belong to a separate group of birds ... Cranes' necks are a shorter than those of herons, and they typically hold them straight.
Got something to eat: GULP!
Mallard Ducks. We always enjoyed the ducks here. And looked forward to Spring babies …
Almost stepped on this Fuzzy Wuzzy nestled in the grass along the gravel road.



I started crying when I was telling the kids about the bird, and that’s when I begged off the holidays. I said, “I think I’ll pass these upcoming holidays, and maybe in the Spring things will be calmer. Let’s shoot for Spring. I love all of you and I really do want to see your new home … but this is a happy time for you guys; and I am not happy right now: I don’t think I can pretend. I miss your Dad. I miss your Grandpa. I miss my husband. And right now, I can’t control those emotions when they come on me; they have to run their course.”

Bless their hearts (and I mean that in a good way ;-)), they said they understood, and that it is still early in the grieving process, and that I need to do what I need to do to heal. If that means separating myself from everyone and everything until I am comfortable being in the thick of things, that is okay with them. I think they are finally “getting me”. When the time is right, I WILL be glad to jump in the middle of things … but, the time is not yet right. I don’t want to take all these emotions to their new home where peace and happiness is so important this time of year. I am truly at peace and joyful knowing Bob is in Heaven – but I am also truly missing him. Deeply. And I can’t turn off the waterworks when they start. Yet. Yes, I do get out and go visiting locally; BUT if things get too emotional, I can come home; in another State, I couldn’t do that as readily. It would be complicated. It would put stress on everyone.

Maybe next Spring, things will be calmer and more doable.

And maybe not.

Maybe that part of my life is closed – not seeing the kids, but jumping in the car and going to wherever they are … maybe they will have to start coming to me. I will NEVER be comfortable driving in the city. If they can find a way to get from here to there bypassing Portland and the freeway, I could try that. But as long as getting to them involves driving through Portland and dealing with the freeways – no. Probably will never happen.
Even without grieving – just being a passenger driving through Portland and on the freeway stresses me out! Bob did ALL the driving when it came to Portland and the freeway.

We’ll see what 2020 brings.