My life is changing.
It is evolving; being restructured.
It is becoming something new – a reconfiguration of the past molded and shaped by the present to become something that will survive the move into the future.
Little, by little, bits and pieces of my past life is being discarded as my new life is taking shape and being reorganized.
Yesterday, the windbreaker jacket Bob bought 26 years ago (and I have been wearing), went into the trash can: it was wearing thin, and I had bought a fleece jacket to replace it the other day on my shopping venture across the River. I felt a pang of loss pull at my heart when the windbreaker slipped off my fingertips, and fell into the garbage bin under the carport … but I didn’t fall to pieces, and my heart wasn’t shattered.
Honestly, the windbreaker should have been discarded months ago, but I tend to procrastinate doing things that have pain attached to them. I am a wuss when it comes to pain; physical or emotional – so I prolong the ‘letting go’ as long as I can drag it out.
Last year, this time I was making monthly trips (sometimes, weekly) to Eden Valley, to visit our cemetery plot: I am deliberately cutting those trips back this year. I will still visit our plot occasionally throughout the year – but I won’t be spending so much time there: life cannot be lived fully in the present in a cemetery. And Bob is not there, anyway. Going there was solely for my benefit; and it was, I believe, necessary for my emotional healing.
The sorrow of missingness is still with me …
… and probably always will be. But it is subdued, and easier to rein in now. I am healing.
Yeshua is doing patchwork repair on my life – lovingly removing the bit and pieces that no longer serve … and gently replacing the worn parts with a smoother end.
This Shabbat, I am thankful for the new work Elohei is doing in my new life.
I am thankful I have reached this point in my ongoing life where I can agreeably go with the flow, and allow new purpose and direction for my solo lobo life that will complete my life in another way, shape, and form than the one I shared with Bob.
I need that difference to successfully move forward solo loo.
Despite all the change and upheaval these past 27 months, I am still here – holding it together, and thanking Elohim every second of every day for all that has been blessing my life to date.
So, when the past memories call to me, and I feel my thoughts slipping into melancholy with the missingness of the life I knew before it all got skewered … I will lift up my head; and focus on the love, faithfulness, provision, and securities of Elohim, my Father.
I will welcome the ministering hosts of angels – messengers of the Prince of Peace – as they come to bless my home with Sabbath rest.
Bob loved this song, sung by Jonathan Settle …
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sX9WTKsUGmk)
The day has been prepared for the arrival of the Shabbat hour. I do my household tasks early in the day so my evenings are free to honor Elohei in a restive manner. Sometimes I get fancy with my appearance … other times, I just wear jeans and a nice top. My Shabbat’s are pretty low-key now. I read, I listen to music, I sing, I eat a light meal, I do light hand work that keeps my mind free to think on the week’s blessings.
In all I do these 24 hours; I will adore, and praise Yeshua, my Husband in my new life.
And I will thank Yeshua for leading us to a Messianic fellowship, where I sang these songs with the husband of flesh He blessed me with, for 44 years; my Bob … who now, sings/dances/and worships Yeshua in the heavenly Courts above the clouds.
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ALetVR1kk5g & https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IVD96-cQds0, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hcbuibgVH1Y)
I know Elohim has a purpose and direction for my solo lobo life; I just have to be open to it, and be willing to bend to that newness.
The sun is slowly slipping over the horizon, almost reaching its ‘rest’ here in the PNW. The candle is lit, the blessing sung … the Shabbat has been ushered in.
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