I WON'T BACK DOWN

Monday, February 11, 2019

FOR WHAT IT’S WORTH


Watching Steven Still's fancy footwork cut a rug, I can, in my mind’s eye see Bob when we went dancing :-D

Since this video has been blocked in this post ... I re-posted it in this post 
(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/06/for-what-its-worth_22.html)

Two different songs … two different musicians to entertain the 2 of us – My husband liked Steven Stills; I liked Neil Young. Our daughter told me the other day that she cried when ‘For What It’s Worth’ (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gp5JCrSXkJY) came on the radio the other day. She said she remembers her Dad singing that song in the car when the track came on. She misses him.

Last night I was working on the white lapghan I’m making for hospital donation, and happened to look out the window … and started laughing at what I was watching unfold:

This is something Bob would have done ;-)
It takes so little to entertain me :-D

I did not get the white lapghan finished last night – I worked on it, but I kept getting sidetracked by memories while listening to music. So around 1:10 a.m., I put it aside and went to bed. I don’t have much left to do on it, so it will get done tonight.

Despite putting my work aside and going to bed, I did not really sleep. I have not been sleeping well lately – too many restless nights and groggy days. No matter what I do to try to psych myself into slumber, I toss and turn and roll out of bed at dawn without an ounce of sleep to recall.

On top of my sleepless night, my laptop chose this morning to bust up … I lifted the lid and heard a sharp snapping and saw piece fly off in different directions before hitting the floor. And I noticed the screen was twisted at an odd angle: the entire top had shifted out of place and it looks like the screen is pulling away from its backing to. What the heck?

How?

Why?

Now what!?

Broken hinge cover just shattered and flew every which way
Laptop top shifted and tweaked out of place
Laptop screen pulling away. Can anything else go wrong? I need to catch a break … and soon because I am barely hanging on.

That did it - the emotional dam broke and the floods started: I immediately burst into tears and cried like my world was coming to an end. And in a way it has. At that particular moment I really did feel like everything was falling apart – my life (http://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2018/12/inconviences.html), my home (http://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/01/when-it-rains-here-it-pours.html), and now, my link with the outside world (pics above).

I grabbed a pillow off the bed and screamed into it with all my might. Over and over again. I screamed out my frustration. I screamed out my loss. I screamed out my need. I screamed. And I screamed. I screamed until I was afraid I would rupture a vein. Then I put the pillow down and went into the bathroom to brush my hair and wash my face.

From the kitchen I could look out the livingroom windows and see that it was raining and the rain was dissolving the crusted snow. The outdoor temperature read 41 so I figured ice would not be an issue today, so I got dressed and braved the road to drive into town to the UPS Store to mail 8 pairs of slippers off, dropped by the local Hospital to hand over the 4 crochet donation blankets – 2 baby blankets & the 2 lapghans finished. Then I did some quick grocery shopping to add to my ‘just in case’ food/water cache to tide me through any further unexpected weather; and cried all the way home.

Looking back on the day from the get-go, I should not at all be surprised that I broke down and dissolved into tears at the grocery store Deli; I had a hunger for some Fried Chicken and Pea Salad for Supper. While waiting for the chicken to be boxed up, I glanced at the salads and remembered that Bob always liked the Deviled Egg Potato Salad – that memory started the waterworks that would not turn off. The lady behind the counter asked me if I was alright … I couldn’t talk; I could not stop the scalding tears that were free-falling down my face and dripping off my chin. I took my Pea Salad and chicken and left to finish up shopping with tears streaming down my face uncontrollably and a wet shirt front by the time I reached the check-out line. I didn’t even care that people were staring at me – the tears kept coming and would not stop.

For what it’s worth, I suppose this will be my new life and new norm now.

I hope and pray its value increases as time passes because right now it sucks.

I don't like feeling like this.

This is not the me I know me to be.