I WON'T BACK DOWN

Sunday, September 15, 2019

HE HAD ME FROM "HELLO"

MY MIND & BODY REMEMBERS


I woke up this morning to the sound of raindrops tap-dancing on the roof and swirling down the drain pipe.

I felt my eyes slowly open …

And, by a habit of their own, as they had done for 44 years – they looked over to Bob’s side of the bed.

And were sadly disappointed.

Bob wasn’t there.

Bob’s physical body will never be on his side of the bed again.

I reached out my hand and ran it down the unwrinkled smoothness of the blanket on that side of the bed.

And I cried.

I miss Bob.

I miss how he used to reach out with his long arm and pull me into his chest when he felt me shift and turn towards him.

I miss Bob’s touch.

I miss those sleepy, early morning cuddles.

I miss the way the hairs on the top of my head would catch on the sandpaper stubble on his cheeks when I snuggled closer into his embrace.

I miss his wide shoulders, and the tickly hair on his strong and manly chest; I miss laying across that chest.

I miss kissing that chest.

I miss his hands; hands that were long and shapely: hands that were strong, yet gentle … hands that were also tenderly passionate and knowingly loving when they touched, and tuned my body.

Fresh tears, hot and racing down my cheeks on their journey of sadness, remember that Bob always kept his fingernails cut short because cleanliness was important to him – and he didn’t want his fingernails to hurt me with his loving ministrations when the caresses morphed into lovemaking.

I miss the tenderness of his lips on mine.

I touch my fingertips to my lips because I can remember clearly how his kisses felt … and tasted.

I choke on tears.

I miss my husband.

I miss Bob’s sleepy husky, “I love you” when he would pull me close during those early morning snuggles.

I still know his form, his embrace, his kiss.

The feel of his body becoming one with mine – taking us to soaring heights.

And, I miss it.

There are no words to describe all the emotions I am feeling.


I still “feel” falling asleep on Bob’s chest; listening to his heart thump-thump thump out a love-song to my heart.

I have missed that feeling every second of the past 9 months, 1 day, and 9 hours-18 minutes.

I know that I will never touch my husband’s body again.

I will never kiss his lips again.

I will never feel his lips or his hands on my body again.

Bob will never be physically available again – no matter how much I wish for his warmth next to me, or his touch on my skin, of the igniting flames of his searing kisses … I will never feel my husband next to me ever again.

As long as I live.

I can’t breathe.

My heart is ramping into overdrive with that painful knowledge.

My new reality settles over me like a heavy, wet blanket.

I feel nauseated.

My heart starts misfiring, and I feel disoriented: I am heart-sick.


I pull my hand back from the empty side of the bed.

The rain is still singing its song as it races along the roofline gutter and slides down the downspout.

It is too loud in this sielnt bedroom which used to resound with soft sounds.

I think of Bob’s spirit riding the clouds, and I know, that even though we are separated by time and space …

Our hearts, and our spirits are still connected.

Bob is far away – and yet, his spirit is closer than it seems.

Sometimes, I can feel the “essence” of him with me.

I glance around our bedroom: perhaps his spirit is with me now.

Trying to lighten the mood with his engaging sexy smile.

Trying to shower me with his love, even when his arms can no longer physically hold – or comfort me.


Fresh tears slide down my face and wet my pillow case.

I’m worried that as time goes on, I will slowly forget how it felt to be physically touched, kissed, snuggled, and loved by my husband.

I close my eyes tight and force my mind to remember exactly how his chin would rest on the top of my head while he lightly dozed as he held me tight against him.

Where exactly did his long leg hook over my hip as we lay together spoon fashion as our fevered bodies cooled, and our eyes slowly closed for another half hour of cat-napping.

Where exactly did Bob’s hands rest on my breast when he pulled me closer into a sleepy hug.

Subconsciously my hand slides to the center of the bed.

I never want to forget what it felt like to sleep next to my gentle giant.

I never want to forget how Bob would always sleep with his long feet out of the bottom edge of the blankets – and I quietly laugh when I remember, how as a new bride "taking care of her new husband", I used to tip-toe into the bedroom during my night-owl hours and pull the kicked back covers down over them … and he would sleepily complain because his “feet were too hot”: our daughter did the same thing, even as a baby in her crib! I eventually stopped covering their feet up. LOL

I never want to forget … and I try to remember how, exactly, our hands lay tangled together; fingers intertwined as we drifted off to sleep every single night, for 192,795 thoroughly satisfying nights.

Was our love making exactly like I remember it to be?

And I burst into a loud laugh through my tears because I can “feel” and “hear” Bob say, “It was better than you remember it, Val: you’re one hot mama.”

Trace Adkin’s song, ‘Hot Mama’ was the ringtone Bob set to his phone for my phone number.

I remember how I cried over that simple & silly thing after Bob stepped off this planet and would never need his phone again; or ever hear that ringtone again when I called him, just to say, "I love you Babe. Stay safe out there on the road and come home to me in one piece".


I lay there.

Listening to the rain.

Bob will never hear the rain again either.

I mentally try to imagine Heaven – is there rain in Heaven?

Probably not; heaven is perfect – there would be no need for rain in Heaven.


I remember how safe, and fortunate, I felt to be lying in bed beside Bob for 44 blissfully wonderful years.

It was everything I ever dared dream love to be.

I smile because Bob promised me when he talked me into marrying him & buying those 2 plain gold wedding bands, that I would never regret marrying him.

I never did; Bob lavished love on me.

Bob made me believe in lasting love.

And Bob was easy to love too – Bob was love personified.


I miss the way we would roll towards each other, and our eyes would open at the same exact moment - and we'd smile a sleepy smile, scooting closer together: there was such an immediate intimacy with that sudden eye contact,  and love sparked.

Without a word spoken.

I miss the way Bob’s eyes said ‘I love you honey’.

I knew I was loved just by the way his eyes sparked and smoldered when they looked at me.

I will always remember – and cherish for the rest of my life - that unspoken love springing to life in the quiet hours, when the world was still except for our beating hearts.


I remember too, waking up in the middle of the night and rolling over on my stomach to watch Bob peacefully sleep – he always looked like a little boy without a care in the world.

I drank the sight of my handsome man in; and was thankful that for those brief moments of sleep he didn’t have a care. And the world seemed far, far away.

I’m grateful I have these memories of us.

I feel incredibly blessed that Bob took the time to make sure those memories of us are wonderful.

And I am thankful that Elohim favored Bob with a blessedly peaceful passing from this life into the next – even in that, Bob showed incredible strength and style.

Bob was always a blessing.

And I am sure, that he is still a blessing now, beyond the clouds.


Now, that I sleep alone in our fancy spacious and comfortable California King bed with all the ‘bells & whistles’ … the only electrifying thing I really want, I can’t have anymore.

What I wouldn’t do to roll back time if I could, and feel the bed move as Bob rolled onto his side; again.


I pull my hand back from the middle of the lonely bed.

I get up and plug the coffee pot in.

And I smile remembering that when we were newlyweds Bob hated coffee.

But over time, he drank as much – if not more – coffee as I did.

The coffee tastes good, but drinking it is not the same without standing next to Bob and looking out into the early morning hours.

What I used to enjoy alone, I no longer enjoy alone.

Nothing is the same without him.

It seems surreal that Bob is physically dead and absent from my life. 

Forever.

I wish he were here now.

I want my husband back.

Is that selfish?

Would I really wish Bob back from Heaven; to be here with me, if I had the power to do that?


In unguarded moments, I can’t wrap my thoughts around the fact that it’s been three quarters of a year since Bob lay next to me, smiled at me, laughed with me, walked with me, touched me.

Kissed me.

Said he loved me.


It still seems surreal.


Here’s what I do know ...

There is not a day goes by where Bob is not in my thoughts – even though he is no longer physically in my life.

There is not a day goes by where Bob is not felt in my life – his essence will be forever imprinted on my life.

Forever.


And as I pad back to the bedroom to make the bed, I glance longingly at Bob’s side of the bed – and I KNOW that there is not a single place in my mind, on my body … in my body ... where Bob had not left his mark.

His life touched mine.

He left his fingerprints all over me.

Those imprints will never fade.

Bob will always be alive to me.

My thoughts will always seek him.

And my body will always hum and sing just for him.

And I like it that way.

Tears and all …

LET YOUR LOVE RAIN DOWN ON ME


It is raining cats and dogs here today.

Normally, that would not bother me.

I live in the PNW, where it rains 9 times out of 10 – it is a rainforest environment.

But, today, IT BOTHERS ME.

All I can think about is Bob’s cremains – in Eden Valley – under a deluge of rainfall.

I knew this season would come: I thought I was prepared for it.

I am not.

I am crying enough water out of my eyes to rival what is falling out of the sky.

And THEN: this song came to mind – THANK YOU, YESHUA!

Rather than dwell on the morbidness of the day … I am going to remember all the 192,795 days Bob showered me with his unconditional & all-consuming exclusive love – that should push those dreary thoughts back :-D

Students Invent Bacteria That Eat Plastic From The Oceans And Turn It Into Water



Not so sure I’d want to be drinking water that comes from a plastics component - my body already has trouble digesting foods. Actual foods.

Also, keep in mind, that Japan also created and sells Shit Burgers – that’s right: MADE OUT OF REPURPOSED FECES.

What is it with japan, that they cannot come up with foods derived from actual food sources?

Students Invent Bacteria That Eat Plastic From The Oceans And Turn It Into Water: The high pollution in the oceans is a big problem on the planet. According to recent research, it is likely tha...

THE CHAIN WILL LINK AGAIN


10 months ago, in the month of November 2018, while we were at OHSU, in ICU, Bob looked at me and said, “I hope my death will bring the family back together – I can’t leave a legacy, but at least I can hope my death will be worth it, in this small way.”

He DID leave a “legacy”; maybe not what he thought a legacy should be, BUT a legacy, nonetheless.

He left love in his wake.

He left DNA that will go far into the future.

He left beautiful memories that all of us cherish; in our own ways, because each of us have memories that are specific to us.

He left wisdom & guidance that reaches beyond the grave – because he is not there! His wisdom & guidance, like him, will always be alive and pulsing with vitality.

And now that I am back on my feet, and grieving is not so raw anymore, I will DO all I CAN do to make sure our kids and grandkids make heaven too - where the broken chain will link again.

This poem says it all, I think:

Little I knew that morning.
God was going to call your name.
In life we loved you dearly, in death we do the same. 
It broke our hearts to lose you. 
You did not go alone,
For part of me went with you, the day God called you home. 
You left us beautiful memories.
Your love is still our guide,
And though we cannot see you, you are always by our side.
Our family chain is broken, and nothing seems the same.
But as God calls us one by one, the chain will link again.
-Ron Tranmer

I LOVE HOW YOU LOVED ME


That's it with the music for today.

Now, I am crying.

Remembering.


How I loved how he loved me ...

Teased me.

Squeezed me.

LOVED me.


Always so tender and passionate.
Totally committed and taking {us} seriously.
 1977. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other – even after years of marriage ;-)
1981. After Bob had died the 2nd time – dead for 25 minutes/docs never found out why: those 25 minutes of death (before he was resurrected back to me by Elohim), erased his long-term memory … he didn’t know who I was, or who our daughter Stacey was; but HE KNEW HE LOVED ME – and he had no problem at all slipping back into the life we shared before he died. That was enough :-D




YOU WERE MINE



You were mine at the time and the feeling was sublime
You were mine (you were mine)
You were mine (you were mine)
You were really, really mine
And I know that our love was a love of true love

Like a bird on the wing when he knows it's early Spring
You were mine (you were mine)
You were mine (you were mine)
You were really, really mine
And I know that our love was a love of true love

But now, since you're gone, I'm so sad and alone
Remember'ing the love that we had for our own

Now I'll go on my way thinking of that lovely day
You were mine (you were mine)
You were mine (you were mine)
You were really, really mine
And I know that our love was a love of true love

Now I'll go on my way thinking of that lovely day
You were mine (you were mine)
You were mine (you were mine)
You were really, really mine
And I know (and I know) that our love (that our love) was a love of true love

And I know (and I know) that our love (that our love) was a love of true love
And I know (and I know) that our was a love of true love

THIS I SWEAR



This I swear is true

My love for you will last
Till time itself is through
Oh, my darling, oh, my darling
This I swear is true
(Swear is true)

My heart is yours my dear
There will be no one new
Oh, my darling, oh, my darling
This I swear is true

(Swear is true)

I promise you that I
Will never make you cry
This love will be eternally
Cross my heart and hope to die

My lips will kiss I vow
Nobody else but you
Oh, my darling, oh, my darling
This I swear is true
(This I swear is true)

This I swear is true
This I swear is true
This I swear is true
This I swear is true

This I swear is true
This I swear is true
This I swear is true
Ooh

SINCE I DON'T HAVE YOU


I know Bob didn’t deliberately {walk out} on me when he was walked into Heaven with Yeshua.

BUT, I still MISS his presence.

**********


I don’t have plans and schemes
And don’t have hopes and dreams
I don’t have anything
Since I don’t have you.


I don’t have fond desires
And I don’t have happy hours
I don’t have anything
Since I don’t have you.


I don’t have happiness, and I guess
I never will ever again
When you walked out on me
In walked old misery
And he’s been here since then.


I don’t have love to share
And I don’t have one who cares
I don’t have anything
Since I don’t have You
You, you, you
You, you, you,
You, you, you,
You, you …

You