This is what I posted to FB last year –
today.
Most of it still holds true … some things have
changed.
**********
Daytrip to Mt. Rainer with our grandson; it was a fun day. I am glad I have this memory - I am glad Bob lives on in our grandson's DNA. I will never see, or hold either again. December 1st, 2017.
February 27th, 2019/8:35 AM: (POSTED TO FB ONLY) Every day since Bob
stepped off this earth 2 months and 13 days ago, has been an empty and
disjointed day.
As
I post this Blog post today, it is 440 days exactly (to the hour, minute
& sec) that Bob stepped off this earth. My days are not so empty or
disjoined anymore.
I am
functionable but not really living.
I
am now functioning and thriving – though activity and thought process is still
sluggish. It is progress, and I am hopeful.
I
know there is something before me, waiting for me to claim it.
I don't
know which direction to go.
My thoughts
are scattered.
My life is empty of purpose.
I feel lost and adrift.
Bob was a HUGE PART of my life since I was 10 years old ... I
married him 7 years later.
For 44 years we were joined heart-wise and at the hip.
Our thoughts always centered around/on each other - and that was probably hard
on our kids. We were good parents to our kids; but unlike other parents who put
their kids first, Bob & I always put our relationship first and foremost
above anyone and everything else.
I
am not going to apologize to the kids about this choice. They were loved and
well cared for … they shunned our love, and scorned our way of life. When the
child support payments stopped when Alex graduated High School; he pretty much stopped
coming around to see his father. And when he did, he made our lives miserable
with petty angsts: he always held out hope his parents would get back together.
It was ridiculous. Stacey left home at 16, screaming she’d rather be in foster
care or living under a bridge than under our roof – her complaint? We are
Christians. Her life has been a train wreck due to her rebellious and
self-imposed hardships. She primarily blames me for her choices; fabricating a
fantastical life … that for 95% of her “truths” never happened … to feed
her bitter hatreds; but she has blamed Bob too, when she is in overdrive. It is
ridiculous.
I
have nothing to apologize for. She, on the other hand, cannot say the same. And
THAT is what really infuriates her. She does not want to face
reality and take responsibility for her chosen actions which have led her
to where her life currently is.
Not my fault – not my problem.
She
continues to shun my love; she continues to scorn my way of life. She continues
to hate and attack me with bitter vitriol.
She continues to be miserable.
She
chose to cut me from her life and leave the burned bridge in scattered ashes …
I let her.
I choose love and happiness; I choose peace.
I walk through our home and feel like a stranger in it now that he is no longer
here with me.
I still
walk through our home, feeling strange in it without him. But I am slowly
making it my home, without him in it. It is a weird feeling, and a sorrowful process
… but a necessary one. I refuse to let our home become a shrine that is not
fully lived in: that would benefit nothing, or no one.
I am watching snowflakes fall and any other year I would be squealing like a
little girl and Bob would be laughing at my excitement, and hugging me. He hated
snow, but he knew his snowbaby loved it and often took me to the mountains to
get my snow fix. This morning I am not squealing ... or excited: I am crying.
Missing him. Missing the companionship; the closeness of 2 hearts beating as 1
in a shared moment.
This
winter has been a very mild one. I still miss Bob; I still miss the
companionship we shared. I still miss shared moments with the love of my life –
but this morning I am not crying with the missingness.
I am healing.
My
life is changing – it is evolving, being restructured. It is becoming something
new; a reconfiguration of the past being molded and shaped by the present to
become something that will survive the future.
Elohim
has a plan for my life, and He is faithful to bring it to fruition. Yeshua –
Creator, Lord & Savior, is ever present; and He is bringing my new life
into being. Because I have free will, and am bulking at letting Bob go completely,
this process is taking time. Elohim and Yeshua know this: they are patient with
me.
Evolution takes time.
Knowing he is in Heaven helps; but I want him here.
With me.
And I know that will never be ever again.
I know I have to move forward, But how? To what end?
Bob has been in my life ALL of my life.
He was THE purpose of my life. He "completed" me.
Bob
was the purpose of my life. He did "complete" me; but he is in Heaven
now, enjoying a vastly different life – a life I can only imagine and do all I
can do to obtain myself when my time comes to leave this planet and it’s life
behind.
I
am trying to find new purpose and direction for my solo lobo life that will
complete my life in another way, shape, and form.
I
am still here … I know Elohim has a purpose and direction for my life; I just
have to seek it and be willing to bend to that newness.
I feel there is no life left for me without him.
The
grief is still with me; and probably will be for as long as I live. But it is not
so raw anymore. I am learning to live again; in color.
I am not suicidal ... just wading through a broken life I do not recognize
anymore; with no dependable GPS coordinates.
I do
not believe suicide is the way out of pain. I have never – ever – entertained that
idea, though some widows/widowers do. I do not have patience with people that
entertain that choice. There is always something to live for. Always.
I
am still wading through a shattered life I still do not recognize anymore, with
no dependable GPS coordinates. But I am moving forward in Faith; with loving
support from people who like me enough to want me to succeed in my new life.
Elohim is faithful.
Yeshua walks beside me.
And Bob’s love still fires my jets.
