I WON'T BACK DOWN

Wednesday, February 20, 2019

KNIT BABY HOSPITAL HATS


Some of the little hats I have completed for the Hospital Donation Foundation

This pattern I used as a basic hat design is not my own – I did an internet search to find it. These knit hats are small, and easy to work up:


I changed the original top decreases a little to suit my work; MOD baby hat tops at the decrease row are worked differently than the original pattern with 2 rows of k I, p I ribbing and st st decreases finishing the last 4 rows.

MOD PREEMIE HOSPITAL HAT - back seam sewn up.
MOD PREEMIE HOSPITAL HAT - Front upward view. 
MOD PREEMIE HOSPITAL HAT - Top 'expandable' view.
MOD PREEMIE HOSPITAL HAT - Top down side view. 

Feeling the need to get back to designing as well as crafting to fight the loneliness I live with now, I switched from solid colored hats a day ago, and began to use texture again as well as color for hat variations … and though the first 2 variations are dark, the most current hat I just finished is brighter and more colorful as I used a nudibranch color scheme to work my design around.

The original pattern is simple and uses the basic stockinette stitch, but it is very easy to adapt using textured variations – pick a stitch pattern from your own pattern books, or go online to find an interesting one, and have fun:

MOD Textured striped Baby Hat I made for Hospital Donation Foundation.
Stitch Pattern I used for above brown striped Baby Hat
MOD Baby Hat I made for Hospital Donation Foundation. Patterned after a Nudibrach
MOD Baby Hat I finished up a few minutes ago for Hospital Donation Foundation. Patterned after a Nudibrach coloration. The lighting is bad today and I just could not get a good picture no matter how I shot it - the hat really is a very bright and colorful little hat like the nudibrach coloration below; this pic does not do it justice.
Nudibrachs are colorful little sea creatures smaller than a human fingernail. I have used their colorations in many of my past designs, and always sold out quickly :-D

Though I am not currently designing or crafting for profit - and don't know if I ever will again because Bob was the other half of my Bazaaring fun, it feels good to be designing again. And doing something constructive ;-)

MY EMOTIONAL GPS IS FILLED WITH STATIC


People keep asking me how my Valentine’s Day went.

How to answer that question?

It came … and went.

No big deal this year; just another day in another month in a new year with no particular importance in my life now. On any other Valentine’s Day I would have been woken up with kisses from my husband and I would have acted surprised when he presented me with a big fancy heart shaped box of chocolates assortment and a laughed through happy tears while reading the comical mushy card he would have given me too, always marveling that this handsome man so gentle and lovingly thoughtful could have favored me for 44 years with his unconditional and exclusive love.

That did not happen this year – and it will not happen ever again in the years to come.

My in-laws did call and drop by to wish me a “Happy Valentine’s Day!”, giving me hugs and kisses, candy and flowers; and I did appreciate the thoughts because it is not something I have ever gotten from them before. They are trying, and I am trying. To wish me to be "happy" on a day set aside for lovers while my lover is absent, and will forever be absent, was insensitive and highlighted a lack of comprehension on their parts ... but I really cannot fault them because they were following through on social graces and genuinely trying to cheer me up. And in doing so, they overlooked the fact that I will never have a “happy” anything ever again. They don’t understand – and won’t understand until they, personally, go through this heartbreak themselves. I gave them a graceful pass as Bob would have done.

And my sister and her husband dropped by to cheer me up … and that went flat in a hurry when she asked if I had given any thought to companionship again “because Bob would want you to go on with your life”: my emotional GPS was suddenly filled with static. I just looked at her and couldn’t believe what I was hearing! My husband had only been gone from my side for 2 months. My husband was my everything; and he will continue to BE my husband. Period. I am not interested in replacing him. EVER. I am 62 years old for Pete’s sake! The insensitivity is staggering. And what does she know about what my husband would want for me? ((((I)))) think ((((I)))) know best what is best for me and what my husband would have wanted. Bottom line is that I will do what I think for my life now that I am flying solo: no one else gets to decide. They may have opinions, but their opinions mean very little to me.

So.

That is how my “happy” Valentine’s Day 2019 went.

Family members try to embrace me in various ways, but they don’t know how to help me. I don’t know how to help me. They are trying to help me become my old self again.

But I can’t be that old self any more.

I have been introduced to a new emotion with a disturbing depth they do not yet know.

I have lived through too much since August 30th, 2018.

Unwelcome grief has changed me at my innermost core of being.

I feel completely alone … despite being surrounded by people, either at home or in public. It’s not the kind of aloneness felt in situations of physical solitude – it’s the kind of aloneness that comes with unrelenting and aching sorrow felt at the absence of my husband’s presence in my life. It is hard to find purpose and a redirection for my life. I am trying to move forward, but I seem to be stuck in the middle of this road called life’s highway with no sense of direction. My emotional GPS is filled with static overload and I am lost. Purpose seems futile without him.

Since Bob went into ER August 30th, and stepped off this planet earth on December 14th, 2018, I have spent, and will spend every holiday alone. Not because people are excluding me, but because half of me is now gone from my earthly life forever.

An irreparable hole has been left in my being and it can’t be filled with platitudes and well wishes.

It can’t be altered when unsightly or hid away because it is an inconvenience to others.

Another cannot be patched in to repair the hole with a new version of what cannot be put back together again.

Every empty holiday during Bob’s agonizing hospital stays, and every holiday following his graduation to a higher living on a higher plane, reminded me … and reminds me of what I was losing and what I have lost – and prompts me to view each day I have left as precious in their own right. Holidays don’t seem that important to me anymore.

I don’t need to reminded by a ‘special day’ every month of any given year to prompt me to be kind or loving, and to show those emotions at every moment. I have lived my entire married life defusing petty differences, cherishing my loved ones, hugging, holding, kissing, and expressing love at any and every moment never knowing when it may be the last. Bob and I always understood that life could never be taken for granted. We never minced words or held back emotions.

And now that I am flying solo, Bob would want me to be brave, to live boldly and take risks worth taking. And Elohei will strengthen me and guide me through life’s choppy and treacherous waters.

The holidays are empty, but my life does not have to be.

I can make this sorrowful and sorrowing pain work for me by reminding me that I was deeply and passionately loved and am loved still. It reminds me that I experience the pain because I lived the joy. The memories keep my heart beating and activate my brain cells, pushing me forward in hope and infuse me with energy to face and embrace a new lobo life while honoring my husband and the life we shared.

It is okay to feel the emptiness as long as I don’t get lost in it; as long as I also embrace living and embracing the love that still surrounds me. Though that love that now surrounds me is not the same love my husband showered me with, it is still love and it is worthy of getting my attention.

It is important to make each day memorable and never waste a precious second.

We are all here for a reason.

Life is for living.

And someday my GPS won’t be filled with static.

Someday I will find my sense of direction again and my life will focus again on a purpose.