Another solo lobo Mother’s Day.
Last year was my 1st
E.V.E.R. Mother’s Day without anyone to celebrate it with me.
I was aware of that aspect
of last year’s Mother’s Day … but I wasn’t that aware of it: my mind was
on drift 98% of last year – my 1st year of Widow Wifing (my
interpretation of widowhood and permanently married). 2019 passed shrouded
in a murky mind fog.
This Mother’s Day, I am more
present … and I am aware that I have spent the day alone.
No husband.
No kids.
No ‘significant other’.
I spend 98% of my days alone
every day of every week, all year long. But, holidays get tough. No one wants
to be alone on a Holiday. Before Fall/Winter of 2018, I had Bob and
grandchildren to celebrate with. Now Bob and the grandchildren are absent from
my life.
Now, I celebrate and honor myself.
Solo Lobo.
You happiness depends on YOUR outlook on your life - have a positive one.
That’s what these
Sunday~Funday’s are about. Celebrating and honoring my life. And living my life
as fully as I possibly can; given my age, my finances, situations and
circumstances.
This Sunday~Funday, I jumped
the river and revisited a shady place Bob and I liked to enjoy on one of our
many sporadic daytrips drives: Fishhawk Falls.
Longview, WA – Rainier, OR Bridge.
Sorry about the noise ... it's a busy highway; and the scenic viewpoint turnout is right off the highway edge.
Bob, Me, Stacey & Alex. 1975
No one wants to stay home on a Holiday - so we were on the road; making our own happiness. Bob's Gypsy Bone wasn't as itchy as mine ... but he did enjoy showing me beautiful places that were welcoming to us and our family. Nature was very welcoming.
Bob wasn’t here to guide me
with the route – I was relying on memory alone, and nothing was looking
familiar along the route. Landmarks change in 2 years’ time. So, I pulled over
and punched my destination point into the Horizon’s GPS feature. That went okay
… the GPS feedback did not.
The navigational GPS in the
Highlander took me down some adventurous unknowns and unexpected roadways …
but, I was proud of myself (and Yeshua & Bob were no doubt proud of me
too ;-)) that I didn’t loose my cool or my temper. I do recall saying, out
loud, “Where AM I?” and “Help me, Yeshua” several times – but I
knew (with a small sense of N-S-E-W knowledge) that the road I was
traveling would at least get me to Astoria if the faulty GPS led me past
the Falls (not noted on a paper Map). I knew how to get back home from
Astoria :-D
Man! Was I HAPPY to see this sign at the Jewell Meadows Wildlife Refuge😉 It was a loooong drive over rough and uneven roadway getting to this point; rough backroads and pressing seat belts make pit stops essential.
The elk herd was hiding deep in the shade because it was so hot, but the government was making sure it was seen ...
At 1 point along the road, I pulled over
and used the google feature on the phone to help me punch in a specific point
of reference to help with the GPS navigational feature of the Horizon – and laughed
out loud when I realized the ironic implication of attempting to use one unreliable
google feature to help with the use of another unreliable google feature.
But … it worked.
Thankfully, the GPS ‘adventures’
did not place me in complicated or dangerous places/situations.
I eventually made my destination ;-)
I am learning new things to fit my new life.
I am growing in confidence.
My confidence is expanding.
I did enjoy my day – even the
unexpected ‘long way around the bend in the road’ ;-)
A general idea of where you need to be helps when GPS has a 'senior moment'. LOL
I love little wild daisies; hybrid Shasta Daisies just aren't the same. MPO
This place was a busy place today - I think e.v.e.r.y.o.n.e. decided to break loose and visit the Falls today. Everyone was following safe distancing guidelines; and everyone had fun.
I love the sound of running water in the woods. And I was thankful the Jewell Meadows Restroom had been opened …
A wild bleeding-heart flower: half my heart is among the celestial stars above – these flowers played an ironic part in soothing my heart today😉
So soothing. It was weird being here without Bob - but I didn't cry; not even once. I was glad I came. My heart is healing.
The Falls coming into view ...
Bob at Fishhawk Falls in March of 2015; Bob always took me there that time of year, so I could see the Trillium blooming. This trip, I could feel Bob's presence all around me. When my feet reached this same spot on the trail - my mind's eye could almost see him there. Memories: I'm glad I have them. Memories of Bob are good memories to revisit.
A little waterfall can have a big, calming voice. It refreshed my world-weary soul. I saw Sasquatch too: can you find him in the Falls?
Brave souls ;-) No way I would ever do that - even when I was younger.
A False Lily-of-the-Valley wildflower. The prolific heart shaped leaves were reminders that love walked with me, every step of the trail ...
False Lily-of-the-Valley wildflower.
Eventually all the trails here lead to the Fall runoff river. But, you never know if you never explore ;-)
Saxifrage flower - fringe pinks up with age.
Fringe cup saxifrage wildflower - fringe pinks up with age.
Young's Bay, OR
Bob & Cliff; 2017 Family Reunion at Cliff's in Warrenton, OR. There will be no more Family Reunion’s in Warrenton, OR. I will miss Bob’s Uncle Cliff. Bob and Cliff were tight – they grew up together. Cliff was like Bob’s older brother. Cliff was the second person to love me, and welcome me as Bob’s Wife … Bob’s Grandma Smalley was the first. I loved them as much as Bob did.
Leaving Astoria, headed home: the John Day County Park was open – but the restroom was closed. Kinda defeats the purpose of opening. MPO. The Bradley County Park was also closed - the entrance was barricaded.
I was glad to see that 'OPEN" sign in Bundy's window :-D I got Supper here. Bob and I ate here quite a bit over the years.
I nipped into Bundy’s
parking lot and ordered a Supper Burger Basket with a rootbeer. Bob and I
stopped in here pretty regularly over our 44 years together: starting with our
dating months. I normally do not drink sodas, but Bob liked a rootbeer with his
‘burger … and he is directly responsible for making me a mother; so, I saluted
him with the soda ;-)
If we are lucky, we do not marry a person – we join with the other half of our soul. My life with Bob was that blessed.
If we are lucky, we do not marry a person – we join with the other half of our soul. My life with Bob was that blessed.
I also came to the
realization that these daytrips seem to be losing more and more of the magic
they held. My Magic Man is longer here – and HE was the MAIN component to the magic that gilded our life. The vibes now, are different: they echo
emptily. As I am driving along, the happy anticipation of the trip kinda evaporates
to a wisp of remembered happiness. I remember the comforting, and sometimes
deafening buzz of children and two adults all speaking at the same time – yet everyone
knew what everyone was saying. Now, the voices are silent and the silence is
unnerving and profoundly deafening.
I am a childless mother/grandmother.
The man responsible for making me a mother no longer walks this Earth; he was my
comfort during the holiday seasons where the absence of our children/grandchildren
is felt the most. I am learning how to be a widow and a childless mother. I don’t
think I will ever get ‘the hang of it’ – for 45 years of my 63 years (and the 44 years as Bob's Wife), I
have been a wife, mother, grandmother: now, I am suddenly none of those
personas … and yet, I am.
There are family holidays
liberally sprinkled throughout the calendar months.
Holidays are – and have
been, for people like me, very complex and vexing situations.
And now covid-19 had been thrown
into the complications.
I will never know if there
is a {right} way to celebrate holidays, but I am confident in the knowledge
that I don’t know; and that that is okay. That is, in all honesty, how
our life has always been. Bob & I never did ‘fit in’ in either side of the
blended family tree; after trying for the first few years of our married life
to fit with inlaws’ expectations, we just finally threw our hands up and forged
our own holiday traditions – which was basically to spend time together letting
the Day play itself out, hitting the road in explorations of interesting
places. Places are not like people. Places will not stigmatize a divorced
person, or the spouse/family of a divorced person. We could enjoy the holiday
in a stress free environment, and our Day could be a happy one, no matter what:
we were together, our children were healthy and enjoying the adventure of the moment,
we were out of the house … our world was ‘right’ by our immediate family
standards.
I {get} that our children never {got} that.
That is on them.
I am doing the best I can to
move forward and find some happiness.
I will continue revisiting
places Bob and I enjoyed together.
I will also start
implementing, and actively engaging in new adventures and explorations on my
own, as a solo lobo.
I am learning how to coexist
with that annoying imp, Grief.
Grief will always be an
underlying aspect of this new life I am expected to live. But Grief does not upend
every day anymore; the emotions stirred up by T-boning grief when it does hit
me now, is no longer a raw and piercing pain in my heart, or a debilitating
searing pain across my brain’s memory lobe. Grief can take my emotions up and
down – but it’s not so stressful anymore.
It’s expected: it will happen.
Its planned for: when it
arrives, I’ve learned how to douse the triggers.
I am learning how to
successfully dodge the jolting potholes and ride out the sudden storms. If not totally
successful in my navigations, then with a confident knowledge that the clouds
will pass and the sun will make the Day sunny again.
Elohim is faithful.
I may not know how Elohei
will get me through circumstances and situations, but I know that His
lovingkindness and compassion is eternal and never-ending; Elohei has helped me
in the past … and I can rest assured that He will do it again.
And again, and again.
My Name is engraved on the
palms of His hands – my Name, my needs, my destiny are always before His eyes.
When I can’t see Elohei’s
hand – I can trust His heart :-D
Mt. Rainier & Longview seen from Rainier Hill.
Mt. St. Helen’s & Longview seen from Rainier Hill.
Pink tinged clouds for a Mother’s Day sunset.
**SUNDAY~FUNDAY POSTS (2020): #9
– https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2020_04_27_archive.html (plus 1st thru 8th SUNDAY~FUNDAY links)**