GAME CHANGE

This morning, while hanging the hummingbird feeders on the front porch, I noticed that the clouds on the northern horizon looked tinged with smoke (there have been so many wildfires the past 3 years, I’ve learned to recognize the signs); so, anticipating days on end stuck indoors, I decided to go for a morning walk before I literally can’t leave the house.

Canada wildfire smoke drifting to WA State: https://www.reuters.com/world/us/smoke-us-west-wildfires-leaves-easterners-gasping-2021-07-20/

‘Fire’ song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YzHtePuz13U

The smoke was barely discernable on the breeze, but I did have to use my inhaler after walking; so, the house air conditioner is off limits too – because though I have a heat pump/air conditioning unit that limits air-bourne irritants, it still sucks in outside air which is smoke tainted: smoke can’t really be filtered with irritant-filtering filters the way other lung irritants can.

Ditto for the car air conditioner.

But, this morning, I was able to enjoy the outdoors for a little while. And my lungs weren’t struggling too much.

Setting long-term goals; for long-term results.

One goal is ‘walking more; sitting less’ – that includes driving. Driving is a sedentary thing; and that leads to added poundage ... which leads to stress on bones, muscles, and lungs: lungs already struggling with asthma complications.

I had stopped at Lowe’s on the way to Lake Sacajawea, to check out the wall adhesive hanging hooks – I was hoping I’d find some that would securely hold the weight of the foyer mirror I want to hang. There weren’t any strong enough, so I called my BIL and asked for his help next time he comes off the mountain 😉

He thinks he may be down Friday.

I want to learn how to find the studs behind walls.

I want to become as self-sufficient as possible.

Not a day goes by, that I do not wish I had paid more attention to what Bob was doing when he was doing things around the house. People ask me if I have any regrets: that would be it. I should have dogged his every step, and watched his every move when he was doing 'husbandly' things.

I hate feeling so ignorant at times.

I hate being so needy at times.

Kerry may be coming Friday to help & to teach by demonstration.

Learning to cool my jets a bit.

A real pain in the butt ... which extends to the sole of the foot, when seriously inflamed.

Moderating my walking routine.

Changing the game some.

Bob’s physical death displaced me in my own life: and there is no way to fix this disorientation … other than to build a new life in a new place, where I have never set up house with Bob.

I need to change the game plan.

I need the change of a new location to begin my new life.

For nearly 3 years, I’ve done what Bob asked: I kept the house.

But, the house is hamstringing my life.

Its walls echo with silence … and that silence can be crippling.

The house is haunted with a life that no longer exists.

This house will never again be a haven of love, that includes Bob; it will never again resound with a child’s laughter, or vibrate with lively family exuberance.

This house is merely an empty shell of a life that used to be.

I am rarely here anymore – I sleep here; and on occasion I eat here.

But I do not {live} here.

The house has served its purpose.

Now, it’s time to move on: so, my new life can move forward.

Realistically, I know a part of me will always miss Bob in my life – no matter where I am.

And a part of me will always be searching for a sense of belonging because my entire life was blown to Hell and back by the loss of my husband … and the cruel abandonment of the kids.

I know for a fact that my wanderlust (which was always a driving force in my life; with, or without Bob in it) was pushed into overdrive because I have been forced into a life I did not ask for, and I do not want.

My life, 31 months/6 days ago, was alive and full of color.

My days and nights were fun; and passionate.

Since August 30^th of 2018 … my life has been robbed of color; and since December 14^th of 2018, the life of my life has been seriously altered.

For the past 20 months, I’ve made steady and successful inroads into my new life that has filled some of the emptiness, and softened most of the sorrow.

Daytrips have given my aching and restless spirit something to get excited about throughout the weeks of the passing months; and it has enlivened my becoming life … and I am grateful for that mercy.

But my life needs a game change to fully recharge and sizzle with life again.

As a widow, trying to move forward with yesterday’s hobbles, I do not feel that I belong, anymore, where I am currently at.

And if Bob is watching me struggle to live without him, he knows this too.

I believe Bob is supporting my decision to move on, as I move forward.

‘Because I Can’ song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ueJ7TMSYr0

Bob, in his dwindling life-on-Earth-hours, told me to live again.

He would not want me to continue struggling with the unhappiness this Park has saddled me with.

He would want me to take the profits I gain from the sale of this house and invest it in another home, in another location, that will bring me peace of spirit.

Bob knew me – he knew me well: he understands.

I will be moving forward, carrying his love with me: and I won’t feel crippled by it anymore … when I sell/load up/shake the dust off of this Park, off my feet.

What have I got to lose that I haven’t already lost?

Nothing.

Not 1 thing.

2021 has birthed several adjustments – not just the need for a new change of address.

2021 has also caused me to rethink my aging body’s needs.

The Fall/Winter of 2020 was painful (I was laid up on my back for weeks to relieve the pain), and the recurring flareups which were originally attributed to sciatica until April of this year, are forcing me to limit my movement activities. That means cutting back on hiking mileage, as well as driving distances.

It’s another adjustment in my ‘becoming’ life.

And if I don't seriously adjust to my aging body's demand ... my body will force the adjustment by applying the emergency break (aka: the piriformis muscle).

It is painful.

It is controllable.

It's an adjustment that is needed.

Adjusting to restraint is hard.

The changes are going to take some getting used to.

So, I am doing some serious reflection. Some soul searching. And some slo-mo adjustment.

When I wrapped my morning walk up, I headed to the Bank to see if Monday’s Fred Meyer fracas had been straightened out; I was geared to haul out my BadAss Card, and morph into a Tasmanian devil if my funds were still frozen.

As yu’all know, from reading my Blog over the years … I do not take kindly to hobbling, of any sort 😉

Being taken advantage of is not okay with me.

Monday, FM charged me for someone else's gas - and froze my funds until the dispute was resolved.

( https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2021/07/what-monday.html)

Even it up!

( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XLhxF-Un39k)

The Bank says my funds have been liberated again.

And tomorrow, unless the smoke is seriously bad (as in very visibly heavy in the air) I still plan on driving to Naselle tomorrow for my Coffee Hour with friends … because my lungs shouldn’t be affected much at all getting from car to house.