When Bob & I were
facing his impending physical death in the Fall & Winter of 2018 – after
the shock of hearing he was going to die – we decided, together, to lean
on Elohei and keep our eyes on Yeshua. We prayed separately; we prayed
together … we prayed openly: we did not keep our Faith a secret. Bob shared his
salvation testimony time and time again with his medical team and his medical
attendants. Our entire mindset/heartset was, “Lord, we’ve done what You told us
to do. We’ve been obedient to You in all things. Now we’re going to trust you.”
Bob coming to terms
with the shocking death sentence pronouncement in ER, August 30th, 2018: his 69th birthday.
I remember exactly
how & what I felt those 107 days that changed our lives forever. I remember
the first morning I walked back into ICU, and watching his eyes light up and
hearing him say, “Where have you been! Why did you leave me here to languish?”
I remember crying when he said that, because I knew he did not want to be there
and I should never have taken him to ER to begin with. I remember begging Bob
to forgive me for overriding him … and driving him to ER because fear got ahold
of me when I saw him vomiting – he told me he did not want to go to the
hospital: I forced him to go. I remember my husband reaching for my hand,
holding it, and saying, “There is nothing to forgive Honey; you were scared. I
am sorry I am leaving you.” Even then – Bob thought only of me and my comfort.
I remember watching my husband slipping away: and wondering how I was going to
live without him. I remember standing for hours on end beside his hospital
beds (2 beds - 2 hospitals; 2 different States), holding his hand, and kissing his bald head – praying for a miracle … or
a speedy, dignified exit from this life. I remember watching him being attended
to – and watching his eyes watching me and my every move when I walked into his
hospital room: or left for the evening; August 30th thru October. I remember
coming home and laying in bed at night (the nights before I decided to pack
a duffel bag and camp in Bob’s hospital rooms 24/7); keeping night lights
on – trying desperately to keep the darkness at bay & praying for a
miracle: and saying out loud, “Yeshua, You have been with me through every
circumstance in my life since I gave my life to You in 1965. There isn’t a
single time I can remember that You have not walked beside me and gotten me
through the storms. I know You’re going to see me through this one, too.” I
knew He would – I KNEW my husband would be leaving Earth … and I knew Yeshua
wouldn’t take him until I was ready to let him go – I prepared myself to do
that: it would be selfish of me to keep him bound to Earth, suffering so,
just because I wanted him with me always. I determined to steel myself so my
husband wouldn’t feel guilty leaving. If it was time for him to go Home –
it was time for me to let him go.
Bob finally got a room
at OHSU; his medical team was awesome, and good to us … but there was no real
turn-around: we were still “on borrowed time”.
Bob in ICU at OHSU,
waiting for his heart rate to stabilize for surgery on the pancreas cysts.
Bob back in ICU at OHSU; the anticipated surgery was a bust - too risky. This seriously was the beginning of the end ... 8 days later, Bob was walked into Heaven.
Bob’s last moments
with me in OHSU: December 13th, 2018; around 9 PM. By 8:05 AM,
December 14th, Bob’s spirit had shed his earthen vessel and he was
walking Heaven’s streets of gold.
I never – even for a nano
second entertained doubt; and I determined to slay fear.
Prayer was the anchor that
kept us stable as we navigated those choppy waters & strengthened our
spiritual fortitude: I don’t know what Bob
prayed when I was not with him, and there was just him & Yeshua in the
those dark and lonely hours, where he came to terms with impending death on his
own. But I KNOW he started and ended his days like I did: with Yeshua.
For us, that was the only
way to deal with the situation and circumstances of our changing life together. We were acknowledging Elohei in the situation –
that we needed His help to get through; His insight: Yeshua KNEW what the
outcome would be & we gave ourselves solely into His keeping – determinedly
content to accept whatever His Will would be; His understanding … Yeshua
understands separation and sorrow; we could trust Him to come alongside us and
comfort us; His courage – we needed the courage only Yeshua could instill
within us: if He could face Death and stare it down (and He did!), then we
could and would face Death in the same manner; and His Faith: we trusted
Yeshua’s faithfulness to never leave us, or forsake us.
We were not disappointed.
Yes, Bob went Home …
but, we KNEW he would – Bob told me as much on the drive to ER, August 30th,
2018. I remember Bob looking at me as I drove, and telling me, “I don’t
think I’ll be coming home this time Val. I’m sorry.” I didn’t want to hear that!
But I heard it, just the same, and I remembered those words, and the way my
husband had spoken them to me (forewarning me, if you will), over
the 107 days that remained of our life together. I believe THAT helped me
deal with the whole thing.
I have always trusted
Yeshua with my life. ALWAYS. I never doubted that I could trust Him in
any – and all, circumstances & situations. In trusting Elohei, in total and
complete FAITH, you can face anything: no matter what it is. Yeshua said, “I’ll
never leave you or forsake you,” and He is faithful.
Yes, I have sorrowful
moments. Yes, there are days I struggle with. Yes, I have been abandoned and
lost my entire family over the past 10 months. Yes, the future intimidates me.
Yes, I MISS my husband’s presence in my life … and there are days I cry all day
with the missing.
And, on those days, I
KNOW both Yeshua & Bob come alongside me to help me through those rough
patches. And when I need human comfort – soothing voices and comforting
hugs, my friends get a divinely appointed message to come visit me.
I am never alone.
Bob is no longer
physically here … but, I am never alone.
I will rebuild my life
upon the love Yeshua showered me with & Bob lavished upon me when he walked
this Earth with me and loved me like a man.
Love surrounds me.
I am never alone.
