Sunday, December 30, 2018
I woke up this morning around 4:30 a.m. feeling there was something left undone. What that ‘loose end’ was I did not know. So I began to pray. I prayed for the people I know and love; who I have recently learned are struggling with serious illnesses and did not want to burden me with their sad news in the midst of my recent sorrow: 2 are suffering bouts of pancreatitis and didn’t want to mention it to me because of our recent struggle with it – and probably because they have recently seen how serious pancreatitis can get and where it can lead. Though their situations were clearly brought on by alcohol, and my husband’s was not … well, they need prayer: so I prayed for them, hoping they will do what needs to be done medically and seek Elohim for salvation. The other 2 have been told they have cancer. Well, again, they need salvation. So I prayed; and I prayed hard and for results.
And then I realized that Elohim was dealing with me also.
I don’t need salvation, that is already secure, but what I did need was a clearing of accounts – a complete wiping clean of the wrongs done me and my husband. Though I had forgiven verbally and on paper in writ because I know I have to do that in order to successfully move forward and not get lost in mourning, I had not really forgiven in my heart because my sorrow is so great, so raw; and my feelings of righteous anger is so valid. But I listened to Elohei this morning as He spoke a soothing balm to my wounded soul. My desire is to be the woman He created me to be, to be His example and His ambassador as I finish out my walk of life on this earth before I join my husband in that glorious celestial home that waits me. I cannot be the woman He desires me to be, and I cannot be His example or His ambassador, and I may even jeopardize my entry into His celestial kingdom if I refuse to submit to true forgiveness: I must truly forgive and stand aside to allow Him to work in the situation – and as He works, I will stop feeling anger or bursting into tears every time I think of/catch a glimpse of those 2: I may even, through the grace of Elohei stop feeling anything at all towards either of them over time. He has already begun doing that, and Candy’s letter the other day was a start in the right direction (https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2018/12/dreads-justice-and-cutting-ties.html) – her recent actions on my behalf will not change the disastrous facts, and my husband will not miraculously be coming back through the front door, but she is contrite and wrongs are being corrected as humanly possible. Yeshua is looking out for me and He is gently prodding me with His Shepherd’s staff to get out of life’s weeds, back on track, and stay on the straight and narrow path that leads to life. And I am thankful for that gentle prod.
The simplistic understanding of the dictionary definition of “forgive” is “to stop blaming”: but forgiveness actually goes deeper than that. To forgive someone means that you release them from the weight of the penalty they deserve for the hurt and harm they have caused you; harmful hurt done either knowingly or unknowingly. The benefits of true forgiveness are gifts to both the giver and receiver. Because to stop the blame and grudges … no matter how valid … and to forgive, ultimately releases us from resentment and allows us to experience freedom and peace; and it lifts the heavy weight of recriminating burden off the shoulders of the oppressor. Yet knowing this to be true, we still struggle with forgiveness (1) because we want our tormentors to know that we want them to suffer for what they have done to us (2) we feel righteously vindicated in any punishing action we take towards our oppressors. But, if we claim the Name of Yeshua as our banner, and if we claim kinship with Him as sons and daughters of the father, then we MUST forgive – not so much for the sakes of those that have done us great, and oftentimes, irreparable harm, but for our own sakes; for the simple reason that God forgiven us when we did not deserve forgiveness. And living in His forgiveness is where peace is found.
for·give/fərˈɡiv – verb; stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake. Synonyms: pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve