Wedding Song - God Knew That I Needed You

Showing posts with label widowhood and faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label widowhood and faith. Show all posts

Saturday, August 14, 2021

SHABBAT BLESSINGS/Pt. 1 ~ Skamokawa Vista Park

Today’s post is done in 3 parts, because there were 3 parts to today’s post 😊

This morning, I woke up crying – I woke up hearing myself crying like I had lost my best friend.

And I had.

I had been dreaming of Bob; the dream was kinda disjointed … but I remember Bob and I were enjoying ourselves, when he took off walking, and us agreeing I would drive the car to a specific point of the walk and pick him up. I watched him walking off into the distance, as I slipped the car into drive, and turned my eyes to the sharp corner of the U-turn-street: when I looked for Bob, coming into a straight stretch – he had disappeared. I couldn’t see him anywhere. I drove the loop twice, thinking maybe he was off to the side, jawing with someone (as he was always prone to do); but he had just vanished. Coming out of the grogginess of a deep dreaming sleep, I heard myself crying, “I lost him! I lost him!”

I must have laid there for a good 10 minutes, crying like the world was coming to an end, before I woke all the way up and shook myself to break the dreamscape link.

I dried my eyes, got dressed, and decided to go for a drive.

I had read online that there were now hiking trails at the Vista Park in Skamokawa: I wanted to try them out. This morning would be a good time to do that: I left home at 9 AM.

The drive was short, not the hours long drives, I normally do.

Vista Park, Skamokawa
Road clear of road crews the entire drive; to and fro. YAY!

Entering the Park, you have to dodge a lot of potholes – some deep, some just wide; all with ragged edges.

WOW - there is a LOT happening at the Park, now. 4 years ago, it was kinda derelict despite all the advertisement.

WOW! Vista Park has grown! It isn’t a little hole-in-the-wall yuppie kayaking thingee, anymore. It’s a thriving tourist venture now.

I drove to the Office and asked about the advertised trails – I don’t remember there being any, last time Bob and I were there with our little grandson, in 2017: I was curious.

I was told they were “at the end of the road, behind the Office”; so, off I drove 😊

3 different trails to 3 different scenic spots along the trail route.

As I made the turn from the Office to trailhead, and saw this preserved gillnet boat.

Trailhead parking area.

The trailhead brought back a lot of memories.

The path led down familiar terrain: father’s cousin Terri, and her husband Don Anderson lived in a cute white house at the end of the curve (which had been graveled in 1968; the Holden house before that) … and my mother, and us 5 kids, had hiked to her house one afternoon, from Ingalls Road in Skamokawa – through a farmer’s field, and up over Moe Hill, to tie into a logging road that dropped behind the old school house, and into the road that led to Terri and Don’s house. I’ll never forget that hike – and I told Bob about it many times: it was exciting.

Lots of memories here ...

When I finally reached the trail, it was a rough trail: kinda like the trails logging tree-toppers, and choker-setters make in the forests, to get their jobs done.

Rough trails - marked only by logger's plastic tags.
“Follow the pink ribbon - follow the pink ribbon - follow, follow, follow ...”
Mossy forest steps; THANK YOU, Yeshua!

A bit further on, a glimpse of the Columbia River – and the remembered sandy beach – came into view.

Bob was not the only male I visited that sandy cove with … but he was the only one that impressed me with his presence in that cove. I never spent time with Doug, there; but I did spend a coupe afternoons there, with John, who told me of forested hunting trails that led up over the cliffs, to places with names like Brookfield, and Frankfurt; Brookfield, I knew: I often hiked there to that ghost town at the end of West Valley, with scant reminders (Spring blooming daffodils, an apple orchard, skeletal remains of an old homestead, log river wharf piers, a boat slip, ect.) of a river town; from my patent’s house on Ingall’s Road. But, I didn’t know anything about Frankfurt, except what John was regaling me with – he said he often hiked those hunting trails. I was in awe, looking up at those towering cliffs and imagining those wonderous trails 😉

But it was the August if 1974, when I went to that cove with Bob, that it shimmered with magic – the magic of young love.

Remembering beach days with Bob, the Summer of 1974.
Ingall's Road, Skamokawa
Skamokawa Valleys

Sonny James, ‘Young Love’: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pU_8D5jBqd0

The Judds, ‘Young Love’: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LR5VviO9aiQ

And when we drove to Brookfield, and later to Frankfurt, those places shimmered with magic, too, when Bob told me the background stories of both pioneer river towns. Later, I would come to understand that Bob had direct ties to Frankfurt: his mother’s relatives, the Smalley’s had had homes there.

But before I realized that bit of family linkage … I fell in love with the remnants of Frankfurt, as soon as the pickup stopped and I jumped out: there were, still at that time – in the summer of 1974, a few ramshackle cottages with rose bushes twining around a picket fence alongside one … and a couple little decorative bushes that some logger’s wife had loving planted, daffodils, and discernable trails between the few remaining/listing cottages. I looked over the area and out over the river and imagined life there long ago: I loved it, on sight! One time when we drove there (once Bob had taken me there, I begged to go visit it often, when we were driving the roads that way), Benji Brown and his girlfriend, Angie (they later married and divorced) came sauntering out of one of the cottages and we spent about an hour chitchatting, before going our separate ways.

Later, after Bob and I were married several years, Frankfurt access was gated off by the Campbell Logging Company, and driving there was no longer an option: now, anything that remained, is decades reclaimed by the forest.

But I think of Frankfurt often … and see it in my mind’s eyes, as I did then, that magic summer we were dating, in 1974.

And then, I spotted some love along the trail: heart shaped leaves 😊

Heart-shaped leaved 'False Lily-of-the-Valley' wildflower.

I also saw a prolific patch of wild Oregon Grape.

Immature Oregon Grape.

Remnants of a charred tree lay among the forest litter, too.

I wonder what story this charred wood would tell if it could talk ...

This lead of the trail was supposed to lead to the beach … and it did – to a point: for young bodies, it would be a wonderful excursionfor older bodies, like mine, it would be torture: at the end of this trail was the beach … if one was so inclined as to fight their way over a jumble of river-wave-stacked driftwood: I was not so inclined.

Not so rough section of trail; pretty & srene.
A bright spot of sunlight poking through the forest canopy, overhead.
I'm a rebel at heart; but I turned around at the end of the trail – and backtracked to another trail junction.

Looking at the back of the Park Brochure I had scribbled a rough trail map on, I followed the middle trail that veered off at the backtracked junction.

This spur of the trail leads back to the trailhead.
Jewelweed.
A slimy resident of the PNW forests; a slug; disgustingly important in the ecosystem.
A patch of Sweet Grass shamrocks.
A hastily built footbridge over a low-flow creek.
Sunlit end of looping trail.
I hope my body is kind to me later on ;-)

The trails hike took about 35 minutes to make the loop back to the Highlander; the river breeze kept the hike a relatively cool endeavor.

Leaving the hiking trails behind, I thought I’d see what was over the large sand dune, beyond the large ((((WARNING!)))) sign. The Columbia River is a greedy river, and I was curious to see if the remembered magical cove was still intact.

There is more sand accumulated - but the cove area is still there.
A LOT calmer beachfront than out at Willow Grove. I may have to make a return visit ...
I don't understand the tide table, so I avoid water when solo loboing.
Rocky bluff behind Redmen Hall - across from Skamokawa Fair grounds; Fair is next weekend.

Today was a surprise, as well as a blessing 😊

 

**SHABBAT BLESSINGS/Pt. 2 ~ Julia Butler Hansen Game Refuge: https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2021/08/shabbat-blessingspt-2-julia-butler.html

**SHABBAT BLESSINGS/Pt. 3 ~ Stella: https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2021/08/shabbat-blessingspt-3-stella.html

Wednesday, July 21, 2021

GAME CHANGE

This morning, while hanging the hummingbird feeders on the front porch, I noticed that the clouds on the northern horizon looked tinged with smoke (there have been so many wildfires the past 3 years, I’ve learned to recognize the signs); so, anticipating days on end stuck indoors, I decided to go for a morning walk before I literally can’t leave the house.

Canada wildfire smoke drifting to WA State: https://www.reuters.com/world/us/smoke-us-west-wildfires-leaves-easterners-gasping-2021-07-20/

‘Fire’ song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YzHtePuz13U

The smoke was barely discernable on the breeze, but I did have to use my inhaler after walking; so, the house air conditioner is off limits too – because though I have a heat pump/air conditioning unit that limits air-bourne irritants, it still sucks in outside air which is smoke tainted: smoke can’t really be filtered with irritant-filtering filters the way other lung irritants can.

Ditto for the car air conditioner.

But, this morning, I was able to enjoy the outdoors for a little while. And my lungs weren’t struggling too much.

Setting long-term goals; for long-term results.
One goal is ‘walking more; sitting less’ – that includes driving. Driving is a sedentary thing; and that leads to added poundage ... which leads to stress on bones, muscles, and lungs: lungs already struggling with asthma complications.

I had stopped at Lowe’s on the way to Lake Sacajawea, to check out the wall adhesive hanging hooks – I was hoping I’d find some that would securely hold the weight of the foyer mirror I want to hang. There weren’t any strong enough, so I called my BIL and asked for his help next time he comes off the mountain 😉

He thinks he may be down Friday.

I want to learn how to find the studs behind walls.

I want to become as self-sufficient as possible.

Not a day goes by, that I do not wish I had paid more attention to what Bob was doing when he was doing things around the house. People ask me if I have any regrets: that would be it. I should have dogged his every step, and watched his every move when he was doing 'husbandly' things.

I hate feeling so ignorant at times.

I hate being so needy at times.

Kerry may be coming Friday to help & to teach by demonstration.
Learning to cool my jets a bit.
A real pain in the butt ... which extends to the sole of the foot, when seriously inflamed.
Moderating my walking routine.
Changing the game some.

Bob’s physical death displaced me in my own life: and there is no way to fix this disorientation … other than to build a new life in a new place, where I have never set up house with Bob.

I need to change the game plan.

I need the change of a new location to begin my new life.

For nearly 3 years, I’ve done what Bob asked: I kept the house.

But, the house is hamstringing my life.

Its walls echo with silence … and that silence can be crippling.

The house is haunted with a life that no longer exists.

This house will never again be a haven of love, that includes Bob; it will never again resound with a child’s laughter, or vibrate with lively family exuberance.

This house is merely an empty shell of a life that used to be.

I am rarely here anymore – I sleep here; and on occasion I eat here.

But I do not {live} here.

The house has served its purpose.

Now, it’s time to move on: so, my new life can move forward.

Realistically, I know a part of me will always miss Bob in my life – no matter where I am.

And a part of me will always be searching for a sense of belonging because my entire life was blown to Hell and back by the loss of my husband … and the cruel abandonment of the kids.

I know for a fact that my wanderlust (which was always a driving force in my life; with, or without Bob in it) was pushed into overdrive because I have been forced into a life I did not ask for, and I do not want.

My life, 31 months/6 days ago, was alive and full of color.

My days and nights were fun; and passionate.

Since August 30th of 2018 … my life has been robbed of color; and since December 14th of 2018, the life of my life has been seriously altered.

For the past 20 months, I’ve made steady and successful inroads into my new life that has filled some of the emptiness, and softened most of the sorrow.

Daytrips have given my aching and restless spirit something to get excited about throughout the weeks of the passing months; and it has enlivened my becoming life … and I am grateful for that mercy.

But my life needs a game change to fully recharge and sizzle with life again.

As a widow, trying to move forward with yesterday’s hobbles, I do not feel that I belong, anymore, where I am currently at.

And if Bob is watching me struggle to live without him, he knows this too.

I believe Bob is supporting my decision to move on, as I move forward.

‘Because I Can’ song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ueJ7TMSYr0

Bob, in his dwindling life-on-Earth-hours, told me to live again.

He would not want me to continue struggling with the unhappiness this Park has saddled me with.

He would want me to take the profits I gain from the sale of this house and invest it in another home, in another location, that will bring me peace of spirit.

Bob knew me – he knew me well: he understands.

I will be moving forward, carrying his love with me: and I won’t feel crippled by it anymore … when I sell/load up/shake the dust off of this Park, off my feet.

What have I got to lose that I haven’t already lost?

Nothing.

Not 1 thing.

2021 has birthed several adjustments – not just the need for a new change of address.

2021 has also caused me to rethink my aging body’s needs.

The Fall/Winter of 2020 was painful (I was laid up on my back for weeks to relieve the pain), and the recurring flareups which were originally attributed to sciatica until April of this year, are forcing me to limit my movement activities. That means cutting back on hiking mileage, as well as driving distances.

It’s another adjustment in my ‘becoming’ life.

And if I don't seriously adjust to my aging body's demand ... my body will force the adjustment by applying the emergency break (aka: the piriformis muscle).

It is painful.

It is controllable.

It's an adjustment that is needed.

Adjusting to restraint is hard.
The changes are going to take some getting used to.

So, I am doing some serious reflection. Some soul searching. And some slo-mo adjustment.

When I wrapped my morning walk up, I headed to the Bank to see if Monday’s Fred Meyer fracas had been straightened out; I was geared to haul out my BadAss Card, and morph into a Tasmanian devil if my funds were still frozen.

As yu’all know, from reading my Blog over the years … I do not take kindly to hobbling, of any sort 😉

Being taken advantage of is not okay with me.

Monday, FM charged me for someone else's gas - and froze my funds until the dispute was resolved.
Even it up!
The Bank says my funds have been liberated again.

And tomorrow, unless the smoke is seriously bad (as in very visibly heavy in the air) I still plan on driving to Naselle tomorrow for my Coffee Hour with friends … because my lungs shouldn’t be affected much at all getting from car to house.