Just East of Eden : 10/24/22

Monday, October 24, 2022

OCTOBER

It has been raining all day long – and the rain will continue into next week; and beyond. The rainy season has begun in the PNW.

I spent the day knitting, watching (and hearing) the rain fall; and watching movies to beat the boredom.

Knit Preemie Receiving Sacque Gown.

The Fall Rainy Season has officially begun ...

After Supper, I listened to some Octobery music … and thawed a bag of cherries to make a pie with, tomorrow 😉

“That” week is starting …

Time to crank things up a bit

My mother always started this week off with Screaming Jay Hawkins – I grew up with this: Screaming Jay Hawkins – ‘I Put A Spell on You’ song: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=toeLYKor3og)

Bob liked this version of the same song … Creedence Clearwater Revival – ‘I Put A Spell on You’ song: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zwCALR8ZAm8\)

A ‘just because’ song … Rockwell – ‘Somebody’s Watching Me’ song: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tNBilAoaCjs)

I like Edgar – Bob didn’t. I stayed up to watch his band on ‘The Midnight Special’ … and cranked it up every October, anyway 😉

Edgar White Group – “Frankenstein’ song: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8f-Qb-bwlU)

Bob didn’t like this band either; so, I played it when he was out-of-house.

Black Sabbath – ‘Iron Man’ song: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qS2cCyx7nM0)

Bob liked this band … and had an 8-track we practically burned up, driving the back roads with the truck stereo as loud as it would go 😊

Steppenwolf – ‘Magic Carpet Ride’ song: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U4WiyxXpyZc)

The first year we were married, Bob grew his hair out (he was the only guy I ever dated with short hair, and he wanted me to be happy –silly man! I just wanted him: short hair, and all 😉); and it resembled John Kay’s hair (lead singer/white muscle tee). The long hair didn’t last long because Bob’s hair was very thick, and he got hot at work. I didn’t miss the long hair when it was gone. I wanted the MAN 😊

This was one of the rare bands we both liked, at the same time 😉

Steppenwolf – ‘Night Screaming Hog’ song: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l_v5_4yuXRo)

Bob didn’t want to hear the stereo at top volume first thing in the morning … and he really hated Black Sabbath: so, I stopped getting up at 3’in the morning to make his lunch – and I stopped going to day school; I married Bob when I was 17; and he had promised my stepfather that I’d finish high school. I was a night owl: (“I need the music to keep my eyes open, honey!”) 😉

I played my music all day long; and went to school in the evening, and made his lunch before we went to bed. Everything got done, I graduated – and everyone was happy 😊

Happy marriages are built on compromises: pick your battles, and don’t sweat the small stuff.

Black Sabbath – ‘Children of the Grave’ song: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vr9vMOIttrM)

LOGISTICS FAIL

Operationally, the simplicity of logistics should rule; but that doesn’t apply to widowhood. Widowhood is a mish-mash of tangled emotions and realities that just shoot simplicity right out of everyday life in the moment. The simplest of things, situations, and circumstances … can suddenly morph right into a complicated moment in a hot second.

Recently I have been asked by several people, “when do you think you might be done with the ‘widow thing’”.

Hmmm: ‘done’.

I used to ask myself that question, too: mostly when I was grieving hard, and wanted the raw pain to end.

Now, at the four-year-mark of my New Life, the pain has settled down to a dull ache; and I know the ‘the widow thing’ will never be done – even considering all the various definitions of {done}.

I will always be widowed. Nothing new that happens in my new life, in-the-moment, can ever change that. Bob – the love of my life, and my husband for 44 years, is irrevocably gone. That can’t be undone. A new relationship wouldn’t erase the memory of Bob; make me love Bob any less; or change the fact that I am his Widow. Bob can never be replaced. So, trying to figure out what {done} would be, escapes me.

Logistics fail to compute.

Also, trying to pin {done} down, isn’t possible. On any level.

I have lived through four years of “done” – every second of every day: I survived all the heart-wrenching “firsts” of memory pings and solo lobo actions and activities, of the first year of widowhood. I am moving into the fourth holiday season … which always, without fail … catapults me into mentally reliving those Fall and Winter months that moved me from Wife to Widow before Christmas 2018, my 62^nd BD, and the 2019 New Year (I doubt I will ever be “done” with this “widow thing”, no matter how long I walk this Earth: it had a sharp impact on my life, that seriously changed the course of my Life).

People – those who knew US as a couple; and even new people in my New Life, who never knew Bob … look at me with startled eyes (as if it’s a new revelation to them and me) and say, “But, it’s been four years, Val!”; and act as if I should be done mentioning his Name. Done with the silent, slowly falling tears. D.o.n.e. and moving on.

I am moving on, but the {done} thing isn’t done.

Operationally, the simplicity of logistics should rule; but that doesn’t apply to widowhood.

Done has different interpretations now.

Done, in this my new life – is a blend of facing another day, another experience, a new life adventure, a new anything with a healing process that happens every second of every day without Bob in it. Today’s happiness and joy, restructuring and rebuilding a Life, and facing the world solo lobo … is never-ending. And all of it coexist with my widowhood journey forward.

Done, in my widowhood journey, will never truly be “done”.

Done will always mean finishing one day effectively solo lobo; before/if another one begins.

In this new Life of mine, {done} has come to mean that I no longer try to predict the course of my daily life, in the moment. All daily life predictions ended when Bob’s breathing ended. I’ve learned to take each day as it comes, and go with the flow. That wasn’t so easy that first year. But now, four years down this solo lobo road, I’m getting used to that mindset and doing okay flying by the seat of my pants as I move forward, getting things “done” by day’s end 😉

I’m not sure what people think {done} is – but I’m pretty sure their definition will never fit my Life.

And I’m okay with that 😊

BONES

Stripping things down to the bare bones concerning fellowship, and rebuilding by the Ruach HaKo’desh moving among/through us: this is a good thing!

Repentance & Restoration - Elohim is resetting the foundational bone work.

The message was good this morning – personal soul searching to keep us in line with Elohim’s purpose was touched on; accountability with the Body was touched on; sticking to the purity of wisdom found in The Word, instead of weaving worldly/cultish ‘knowledge’ through it was touched on; leaning on/in nothing but Christ – Christ alone is the bedrock of our salvation’s foundation 😊

It's always exciting to see the Ruach HaKo'desh on the move in the Body.

The pastor was pretty transparent this morning in repentance and asking prayer for his entire family – and his family knows Scripture: they can read it awesomely; I’ve heard his grandfather, cousins, and uncle, minister … this is a family of ministers: but they’ve all allowed worldly philosophies, and lifestyles, to mingle with it. And he’s acknowledged that, and is determined to turn things around.

‘O HELL NO!’ Post: https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2022/10/o-hell-no.html

‘IF IT BE ELOHEI’S WILL’ Post: https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2022/10/if-it-be-eloheis-will.html

Nothing else we try to keep our souls balanced, and our lives on a happy keel works … and it’s always polluted: it becomes toxic over time, and will lead us into spiritual death if we continue down the road of self-satisfying desires that may let us feel good for a brief period of time, but always lets us down eventually.

You know, Lucifer knows Scripture, and He knows how to tweak it to lure the unwary and unwise into a spiritual trap: we’re to use The Word to keep our spiritual self, strong and healthy, as well as to encourage/reprove/strengthen in love. And where there is love, there’s a willingness to maintain unity; and make relationship work. The Christian is in relationship with the Body, as well as with Yeshua, Himself.

This morning’s service was very good.