Wedding Song - God Knew That I Needed You

Saturday, December 28, 2019

THE HOT DOG HURDLE


My Supper tonight: 2 hot dogs - I have avoided eating a hot dog - hot dogs was Bob's favorite food ... he was eating hot dogs almost exclusively when we started dating 45 years ago. In fact, I teased him about it because he never deviated from at least 2 hot dogs in any given day. Eventually, he started eating other foods when we married because I went on a kitchen strike until he agreed to sample a variety of meals; I was tired of hot dogs, mac 'n cheese, pizza, and San Francisco Rice-A-Roni.
That said, ever since December 14th, 2018, I have studiously avoided even walking past the hot dog isle in the stores - I just could not face it without crying. And, I have been cooking and eating meals Bob refused to eat ... and when I do bring home take-out meals, I always bought things Bob didn't like to eat: this is my way of dealing with things as they are. In order to heal and keep my sanity, I had to distance myself from things that would constantly chip away at the resealing of the cracks in my life. Hot dogs was one of those things I avoided. Even now, I tear up.
But, tonight, I decided "would be the night" I slayed the hog dog shakiness and got past the lump in the throat - I managed to bite-chew-swallow without choking, crying, or vomiting it back up.
Bob's pancreatitis was a rare type of inflammatory disorder – his attack was not food or alcohol related at all. It was stress related. Even so, even the thought of a hot dog; and a beer with Supper was making me nervous! Rationally, I KNEW that neither a hot dog, or a single beer could seriously hurt me; and it has no relation at all to my widowhood.
But it kinda freaked me out.
More things to hurdle in my move to rebuild my life …
It may sound irrational to some, but the grieving/healing process is irrational.
One step at a time.
One day at a time.
One scab at a time.

DAWN'S FIRST LIGHT



For 7 years I dreamed.

And played this record.

Then, suddenly HE appeared.

And my dream became a reality.

A 44 year reality.

Thank YOU, Lord, for answering my prayers.

Bob was a good man.

Bob gave me love.

Bob gave me a good life.

And now, like before: whenever I want him, all I have to do is dream ...


I LOVE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE


Bob was the only person who ever loved me just because I exist.


  
  
 

And I loved Bob just the way he was, too.

I love him still ... and I always will.

  
 
 
 
 

We didn’t step on each other – we didn’t try to change the other; we loved each other just the way they were: warts, and all.

But we each changed: we became better people because of the love we received from each other. Because we were both loved unconditionally by the other, we strove to be better people – as an individual person: for each other; for US as a whole.

We didn’t change to try to fit the other’s futuristic perception of us … we changed to become better people – individually – and THAT became change for the betterment of US; and our marriage thrived and strengthened.

Love was the foundation.

And US was a continual work in progress.

We loved each other just the way we were – in the moment.



Love was the foundation.

Tomorrow is my 63rd Birthday.

I miss Bob – Bob was my greatest gift.


I miss the love Bob lavished on me.

Bob was the only person who ever loved me just because I exist.


How does one rebuild a life where love no longer exists?