Wedding Song - God Knew That I Needed You

Sunday, June 19, 2022

FATHER’S DAY ~2022

Essence never dies ... Bob lives on in a thousand different ways, every day in the lives of his children and grandchildren. 

Every single one of them carry his features: eye shape, nose shape, mouth curvature, cleft chin (Stacey and Azariah, for sure), posture, hair color, hand gestures, behavior patterns ... ALL OF THEM to some extent. He couldn't have denied any of them were his, even if he had wanted to It was obvious from the moment they cleared the womb that they carried his DNA ;-)

And my King Bee filled my life so completely with himself that my heart doesn't know how not to beat for him . Bob was always the love of my life : Bob is STILL the love of my life.

I doubt this holiday is recognized in Heaven ... but down here on Earth, I still take notice because Bob's DNA is still very much alive and active in his 2 children and 4 grandchildren.

Bob's essence lives on, even if his beautiful manly body does not.

Once Bob became a Father the second time around (marriage with me), he stopped being irresponsible. Bob's kids grew him up.

1975. Bob, Me, Stacey & Ales: 2 marriages … 2 kids … 1 life-long love. I love you, Bob ~OX
1982. Stacey, 7 yo – Bob, 33 yo, & Alex, 12 yo
1997. Me, Bob, & our 18 mo. granddaughter, Alyna.
Early 2018. Bob & our 3½ yo grandson, Azariah; Bob’s spirit would leave Earth before the end of 2018.
Always ~OX

Pink Floyd – ‘King Bee’ song: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1HR4GOlUdSk)

Elvin Bishop – ‘Fooled Around & Fell In Love’ song: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ev8SibkJhNg)

Jackson Browne & Bonnie Raitt – ‘Kisses Sweeter than Wine’ song: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kYaqsviev9M)

SELF-CARE SURVIVAL

Every day since I was bumped from Wife to Widow has been an uphill climb in minute-to-minute survival. Widowhood is a traumatic experience with traumatic fallout that can be triggered in chaotic situations; no matter if one is a Christian … or not.

I’ve come a long way, but I know I still have a long way to go.

I can’t afford to let the energy vampires steal the joy Yeshua gave me with my sanctification.

Widowhood totally changes you in ways you never expected, don’t understand, can’t fully grasp, and have no idea how to explain: you don’t {get it} as the years pass – and others standing on the sidelines watching you make your way through your New Life journey, don’t get it either, but a few will have a lot to say to you about how you should ‘get it done’. These are the ones that will make an already difficult journey much harder to navigate. These are the ones that will lay hidden landmines designed to always keep you off balance, juggling self-doubts, and gasping for breath as their toxicity bleeds over into your tender new life endeavors.

They are miserable wretches that feed on your pain; and gleefully picking at your healing scabs.

They are people to avoid.

At all costs.

Without apology.

And sometimes they need to be given back to them a good dose of their own vile bile to swallow.

I can't afford stressful chaos in my life anymore - the way I handle stressful situations, now, has changed since 12-14-18.

Sometimes the toxic people have connections with other people in your life, and when the ties that bind are deeply intertwined … you have to cut ties with the whole lot to avoid a death by a thousand cuts coming from one source via the group. It is a survival thing – when your life has already suffered so much pain it is dangerously anemic from the bloodletting, your well-being can’t afford any more bloodshed: you are allowed to love from a distance, and still be graced by The Father 😊

When I dropped the bag off, I am sure ruth threw a tantrum when she got the gist of the message: she is an undisciplined cat with a catty attitude, and I was making sure she knew I was no longer engaging in her pathetic cat-and-mouse game of domination.

I don’t allow anyone to dominate me – this mouse eventually tires of the cat’s stupidity and will bite the paws that keep taking swipes at it.

I am a survivor.

I have survived more than the linquist’s can dish out – and if they were choking on their anger this morning, I don’t feel any regret for giving them the heartburn they deserve.

As I drove back through town, I was invited to join in some Father’s Day festivities; so, I did 😊

It was good to be in the company of people who welcome me, love me, include me, pray for me, support me, and try to understand me in the moment. Embracing the uncertainties of a New Life unfolding is not easy – sometimes it is downright uncomfortable. It is a blessing to have people in your corner cheering you on, picking you up off the mat – supporting your staggering weight – and setting you back on your feet again, with encouragements.

It is good to feel like a winner now and then 😉

SHIFTING GEARS

I woke up this morning with the need to walk some steam off. I was still upset about Friday’s upset.

And Genesis 14:23 popped into my thoughts: But Abraham replied to the king of Sodom, “I have raised my hand to the Lord God Most High, Creator of Heaven and Earth – that I will not accept even a thread, or a strap of a sandal, or anything that belongs to you – lest you should say, ‘I have enriched Abram.’” I knew I would be returning the bag of cotton yarn I was ceremoniously (with a great deal of show from carl and ruth) given in April with an attitude that transmitted, “look at us, we are giving this poor widow what we no longer want. God is so proud of us”.

It’s actually comical the way silly people seem to think that they are doing widows a huge favor by clearing their freezers of freezer-burned meats they won’t eat, clearing closets of outdated clothing they won’t wear, and passing out items they are not wanting as they do Spring Cleaning.

I’m not a rich widow – but I’m doing okay, financially: I can buy my own food, clothing, yarns … and I know how to budget for extras like dental appointments, car maintenance, and occasional daytrips out of town. Elohim has favored me with an income that satisfies, and a rationally functioning brain, that helps me with my limited budget.

The bag of cotton yarn has been sitting in the closet because I have no reason to use it … and I’ve been busy with other projects.

Angel Baby Blanket I finished up tonight.
MOD Chevron Seed Stitch Cardigan Finished - Boy; knit. NB

In the wake of Friday’s catty remarks and catty attitude, I cannot in good conscious keep the yarn – and I can cut the strings of sticky indebtedness without a qualm. I could already hear carl and ruth’s pity-me complaints about me, now that I will no longer be attending that fellowship: “ … I don’t know why she’d so upset; we didn’t do anything. And for her to treat us like this after we gave her that big bag of cotton yarn!”

I had been walking the Pacific Way Trail, thinking on that Genesis passage that had been dropped into my thoughts earlier in the morning, and sipping a coffee for about half an hour when my phone rang: Pam was asking me to go walking with her out at Willow Grove – so, I backtracked to the Highlander, picked her up, and walked the Willow Grove Trail.

It was a pleasant walk with pleasant company – laughter lightened the gray, overcast day; my mental gears had been shifted 😉

I saw some cute umbrella-tents set up on the beachfront.

We watched a tugboat push a container upriver.

Tugboat on The Columbia River.

Afterwards, we went back to her house and enjoyed berry flavored smoothies on her front patio. The spotty sunshine played peek-a-boo, but the day was relatively warm anyway, with the elevated humidity: I didn’t need a jacket this morning 😊

My body, spirit, and soul had been rejuvenated, refreshed, and uplifted.

Gears had been shifted 😊

Genesis 14:23 was still pricking my thoughts.

When I got back home, I grabbed the bag of cotton yarn spools out of the closet – labeled it – and placed it in the car to be dropped off for the catty cat; I am not going to be indebted to my tormentor. That’s what she wants … that is how carl and ruth operate: they come on all nice and ‘helpful’, then they start running your life and expecting you to be thankful for their generosity. I don’t need, nor do I want, that kind of attitude in my life!

With {friends} like these two poison pills, you don’t need enemies.

carl is not my husband: he does not get to tell me what to do, how to live, who to associate with, or where to be at any given time during the week. He does not get to have any input into MY life, at allat any time, on any topic.

ruth is not my blood sister: she does not know anything at all about my personal life (past, present, or future = she was not there 24/7/365); smoking weed with my parents, drinking beer with my parents, playing cards with them – and hiring me as babysitter for her undisciplined brats for a limited time in the 1970’s (of course neither she nor carl “remember” any of this), does not give her license to assume she can speak for me about anything concerning MY life!

These two sanctimonious morons know nothing about me at all, except we lived in the same small river town in the 1970’s.

I have never liked them – I do not consider them friends; they are not even really acquaintances. I had … and I have … as little contact with them as possible. They are so full of themselves, that they are not pleasant people to be around. Neither are their three sons.

So, I will be returning the catty cat’s backhanded {gift}. I refuse to be indebted to them.

I haven’t used any of it.