‘TEARING IT DOWN’ IN MY QUEENDOM

The title is not entirely accurate 😉

I did ‘tear down’ my garden boxes … but, I didn’t actually tear them down.

What I did, was, pull all the vegetation up by the roots, and cover the tops of the torn down garden boxes with plastic bird netting to keep the cats and other mischievous critters from messing with the soil.

I like Erica’s fence line in the background, against the line of the garden boxes Bob built for me after we moved in here. Bob built those boxes for me to garden in … and also as a boundary line marker.

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2017/07/day-by-day.html)

16½ months later, Bob was killed by a neighbor’s bitter jealousies, and the Park Manager’s narcissistic egomania.

Bob gave his life for those boxes.

IF WE HAD KNOWN how much ron hated us!

Would "knowing" have really mattered?

I don’t know – I don’t really care anymore.

What does matter, is that Bob is no longer here.

What does matter is that I did not breed hate.

And I can look at the boxes now without crying.

I am doing better this year than I was last year.

For 16 months of my solo lobo life, I’ve been free from ron cook’s tormenting taunts and his murderous bully tactics.

Elohim is always faithful. I can count on His love and mercy towards me – in all things.

I have been graced with peace of mind, and blessed with unimpeded space to heal in my own space – no more tyrannical or maniacal nonsense.

It feels good to be free to be me.

To be, once again, the strong/brave/confident/ball-breaking woman Bob knew/loved/married/encouraged … and told with his dying breaths, “I have faith in you, Honey. You can do whatever you set your mind to doing: we both know this.”

These forward moving 22 months have placed me in a lot of situations that has forced that warrior woman back to the forefront of my life.

I don’t know how long I’ll need her to hang around; but for the time being, I am glad to make her acquaintance again.

I did my best to be Bob’s “Lady” – I was content to let my King Bee be the Hero in our story.

My King Bee always treated me like his Queen.

As I began my solo lobo walk all of 2019, I morphed back into a warrior woman who stormed shut doors to accomplish what needed accomplished in the moment: I began to pull my life off the ground and stand it up straight, and strong, again.

And all of 2020, I gained traction and methodically began rebuilding my life, brick by deliberate brick … bricks I dodged, and salvaged for the rebuilding. I am not building a tower of seclusion – I am building a fortress, teeming with life in my solo lobo Queendom; the drawbridge will only be lowered for those who mean me no harm, and come bringing joy and friendship.

I am done with a life of turmoil.

I crave peace now.

I am being very deliberate in building a life of peace.

And I really like my new neighbors, Erica, and her 5-year-old-son, Jaiden - we all get along fine. I like her grandparents, too.

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/07/new-neighbors.html).

Last year, I did plant a garden; but it was a failure because I was barely surviving, myself.

This year, my garden did much better … until the street fires, nature fed wildfires, and maliciously set wildfires.

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2020/09/fire-in-skysmoke-on-water.html)

But I did get several harvests throughout the season, so I am counting this year a ‘winning’ year: next year will be better :-D

Tore garden beds down early because wildfire smoke is circling back around our way.

I had noticed the other night, when glancing out the livingroom window, that the setting sun was swathed in a red haze (it was a red orb in the night clouds); the pic, taken with my phone camera shows a bright center that was not evident in the setting sun.

The setting sun is a red orb as it slips over the horizon again tonight:

Wildfire smoke blowing back in off the ocean.

The sun was this color: totally.

So, I figured I better get things done while I can get outside to get them done – all the garden boxes have to be put to bed for the winter, and the faucet covers have to be slipped on.

This afternoon, I tore down and covered 10 garden boxes; calling it a day when I could taste faint traces of wildfire smoke in the air I was breathing.

There’s always tomorrow to start another day of whipping my Queendom into shape 😉

KALEIDOSCOPE TRUTH

Here is the truth …

I will always be Bob’s Wife.

I will always be Bob’s Widow.

Those 2 are intrinsically linked.

If I live to be 80/90/100.

If Elohim puts another man across my path, and I spend the rest of my life with that person: I will always be Bob’s Wife – I will always be Bob’s Widow.

The love that I experienced.

The heartbreak, and soul squeezing loss that I endured.

Those things will never disappear – they won’t go away.

No matter what the future holds for my life “in the now”.

My heart, my mind; my life, will always love and miss – and grieve – my husband.

The husband of my fantasies; the husband I finally, by chance met, married & lived my life with and for, for 44 years.

44 years can’t be erased by Death.

44 years can’t be supplanted by a new life … or a new love, if that be Elohim’s Plan for me.

I will always love my husband.

I will always have a place for Bob in my heart, in my thoughts, in my life.

I will always talk about the man I loved – and love – so deeply, and so passionately.

I will always laugh, and cry, unexpectantly; when my mind reminds me of the moments, we shared together … and my heart reminds me that there will be no more shared moments together.

I will always be blessed, and thankful, that I had the privilege of living three quarters of my life with the love of my life.

I will always be Bob’s Wife.

I will always be Bob’s Widow.

But I am also, so much more: I am me.

And Me is, coming up on 2 years Solo Lobo, “becoming”.

Those who have followed my posts to my Blog – and to my FB Page as well – have noticed the evolution that has taken place in me as my life shifted and changed to fit my new status in life as it unfolds.

As I move forward in the process to “become”.

Both, my Blog and FB Page engaged decades ago, started out with extended friendship; that led to sharing personal insights concerning my Faith, marital relationship with my best friend – my husband, juggling of family interactions, homesteading tips, home ownership, home renovations, daytrips, and vaca’s … and most recently, widowhood.

Both, my Blog and my FB Page have always been geared towards helping others through what I, personally, have experienced and gained knowledge from. I am not a “professional” in any one of the topics mentioned in the previous sentence – I am just me; Val, doing the best I can, and passing on what I have experienced: if what I have experienced is beneficial to others, I am glad to be helpful.

I will always be Bob’s Wife.

Those experiences and lessons learned are still valid.

I will always be Bob’s Widow.

The experiences and lessons I am learning, are valuable.

But I am also much more than that.

I am a person in my own right.

I am friend to those who chose to include me in their lives.

I am a sojourner on this plant, Earth.

I also share my experiences and lessons learned on those topics.

Sometimes those areas of my life are touched with the tinge of Grief too.

Sometimes, not.

And I’m okay with that.

And most people who find their way to my Blog, and to my FB Page, are okay with that too.

I like knowing that my life still has purpose to those who seek me out.

For 22 months, I have felt adrift: I had no purpose.

I felt useless.

Forgotten: by everyone, but Elohei.

Not lonely … but, alone.

It is good to be helpful to others.

It is good to be helped by others.

It is good lives are being shared.

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xmEPaA8Nh9g & https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BcJbzuyp6VY)

And that …

Is Kaleidoscope Truth.

NEW GLASSES ~ 1st Major Purchase, Solo Lobo

I was up at sunrise … it still feels weird to be keeping “Bob hours”; but kinda nice too, to experience something he always enjoyed.

A flock of doves flew past the house and startled me when several of them tried to fly through the livingroom windows: their expressions looked as equally startled as mine. Thankfully, none of the kamikaze birds will killed – their breasts will ache for a while, but they seemed to flap away pretty okay.

I had an optometrist appointment at 11:30 A.M. this morning … and a wait in the parking lot to be called inside, but no mask required: so, I was okay with that – the temperature in the car was not stifling. I am glad I got the appointment today because wildfire smoke is expected to circulate back around this way, as well as temperatures in the upper 70’s & 80’s all week: I would not have been able to sit in the car later this week.

I hadn’t been to Dr. Tack’s Office in decades.

But …

Cascade Eye Care was being an ass about the masks issue; so I closed my account there – and went back to Longview Eye & Vision; they are considerably more expensive, but they are willing to work with me concerning masks and asthma complications.

I appreciated that, so they got my business; and the $$$$.

Dr. Tack's Office in Complex Dr. Jeff designed.

I had to wait in the car for about 10 minutes – during which time, a clipboard with info papers/pen was brought out to me to fill out.

I filled out 1 Info Paper (Name, birthdate, ect.) … ignored the Insurance Info Paper: I stopped buying Insurance in 2010 when obama/pelosi forced obamacare through; I pay a hefty refusal fee every tax year, but it’s worth it to me to stand on principal, and uphold my sense of morals; and I refused to fill out what I consider a governmental racist information sheet: NONE of THAT was necessary to get my eyes checked out, or to purchase a new pair of glasses.

The eye exam, itself, went well.

I have a GOOD Husband in Yeshua; He makes everything a “good report”.

The exam report was GOOD NEWS: Dr. Jeff said that the prescription Cascade Eye Care had given me 3 years ago was “too strong”, and that the difference was “significant”. Also, my eyes were checked thoroughly by Dr. Jeff, and there was NO mention of the ‘macular degeneration’ the doctor over at Cascade had scared me with – that doctor literally TOLD ME I would be “blind in 6 years”. I remember crying all the way home, and calling the girls to let them know. That was 14 years ago.  Aside from normal aging concerns, my eyes are doing better than anticipated. I choose to believe that Elohim is answering my prayers – as I prayed them … and beyond what I had hoped to hear 😉

I ordered new glasses; they will arrive in 2 – 3 weeks.

One more thing (my pretty 3-year-old glasses) I am letting go of that Bob shared in … one more thing I am learning to do on my own – and hoping I am doing correctly. I want to be sure I asked for all the bells-and-whistles Bob would have been sure to make sure I got; I want to be wise in how I send the $$$$ Bob planned in provision for me.

I did this today without the threat of tears blinding me.

I am keeping these glasses – they represent a good memory.

I love you, Babe ~ Always/OX

Bob was already very ill … there were no clues: none.

I am healing.

I am gaining strength and confidence.

The new glasses I purchased this afternoon are not as colorful as the ones being replaced, but they are more colorful than how they are shown in this picture.

SPENDY! Quite a bit more than I would have paid at Cascade Eye Care; and not as flamboyantly colorful as the pair I got with Bob in 2017.

The new glasses are tortoiseshell and plum; the plum changes to a cobalt blue when the light hits it ‘just right’.

They aren’t as cute as the ones Bob inadvertently {chose} for me – but they’ll do.

Cat-eye-glasses work for me; they don’t for some people, but they do for me. I think they work for me, because I have high cheek bones that rounded frames dig into … cat-eye’s just ‘kinda ride and flow 😉

Also, being able to get them on colorful frames now, instead of the standard black; is a boost, too.

And I LIKE tortoiseshell glasses, so I was happy to see these!

I hope Bob will like them too, when he sees me wearing them.

I know that Bob’s spirit still lives.

I don’t know if thoughts of me even cross his mind anymore; life beyond the clouds is so different from what it was here on Earth.

But, it comforts me to hope.

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uqB1hpqjSwQ)