Saturday, August 17, 2019

EASY RIDER STOPPED IN IT'S TRACKS


I was married when I was 17.

I was co-partner in raising Bob's 5 yo son by a previous marriage.

I was pregnant myself, by the time my 18th birthday rolled around.

I was juggling marriage, a stepson, a pregnancy, and school ... as well as maintaining a household - with all that entailed.

I didn't have time to go to the movies: and even if I did, the big screen gave me vertigo. Even then.

I attempted to watch movies on TV; but juggling a marriage, a stepson, a pregnancy, school, and maintaining a household; kinda cut into that time.

I had caught bits and pieces of "Easy Rider" in between what needed to be done in real life: usually laundry needed to be done when TV decided to run "Easy Rider" ... so I never got past the commune scene with Karen Black.

EVER.

The ending of the movie was always a mystery to me.

Until about 10 years ago, when it came on TV late one evening while Bob was working.

I popped some popcorn and DETERMINED to see the darned thing THROUGH TO THE END.

I nearly choked on my popcorn.

And when Bob came home, I told him, "I finally saw the end of 'Easy Rider' - the whole movie is about drug smugglers!"

Bob burst out laughing.

He already knew that.

But, he also knew that I didn't know that because my life had been too busy to ever catch the end of the movie.

I never watched the movie again.

I come from a family with a drug involved background - and though, I, personally, NEVER supported my family in that regard - I was always stigmatized.

Bob knew I hated drugs: I don't use ANY drugs at all - not even prescribed drugs.

Bob knew I always watched that movie simply because Peter was in it.

And he knew, that because of the ending, that movie ... even with Peter as eye candy ... would never be watched in our home again.

Easy Rider would be permanently stopped in it’s tracks as far as I was concerned.

The counter-culture of the 1960's never appealed to me.

AND I WAS RAISED IN IT.

PETER FONDA DEAD AT 79


Last night, before turning in, I checked the 'News' feature of Bob's phone ... and gasped out loud when I saw the headlines announcing Peter Fonda's death.

Then I laughed - because I KNEW BOB WOULD BE LAUGHING and rolling his eyes - when he heard me gasp - if he were still here with me ;-)

Bob didn't particularly like any of the Fonda's - other than Peter's father, Henry Fonda.

I watched EVERY SINGLE MOVIE any of the Fonda's put out ... especially Peter's: some I didn't like at all, some I tolerated, and some I actually enjoyed. But, generally, I just watched them to watch Peter. LOL

That said, I do not believe Jane's assertion that "Peter left laughing."

Peter was pretty bitter the past 2 years. So bitter, in fact, that he openly attacked and belittled Barron Trump - simply because he loathed Donald J. Trump; and couldn't stand the fact that Donald Trump is NOW  our President.

I do not believe Peter left Earth laughing.

Unless, even on his deathbed, he was toking a joint.

Just sayin'

I'd like to add an R.I.P.; but as with Tim Petty - who I also enjoyed - I do not believe "rest in peace" would be appropriate given the angst stirred up before either stepped off this planet ...

And that is truly too bad, because both had so much to offer; and chose instead to become bitter over issues, that in the grand scheme of things, MEAN NOTHING.

Friday, August 16, 2019

MAKING LOVE OUT OF NOTHING AT ALL


Bob & I were 2 wounded souls when we met.

Floating through time on a raft called life.

Then we bumped into each other ...

And hope was sparked.

We dared to dream.

We tempted fate.

We fell in love.

And we decided to forge a life together.

Making love out of nothing at all.

What a wonderful life it was!

Thank God for that unexpected bump that sparked hope; and led to 44 years of a life we never imagined.

Until it happened.

IT'S A NEW DAWN ... AND, FEELING GOOD

I normally do NOT like scat music … but I DO like this song ;-)

It speaks to me, in this … my new life.

Bob gave me the confidence I need to face this new life, that is now mine.

And Elohei gives me the strength to move forward with the confidence my husband – the man Yeshua blessed me with – built up in me.

While I move forward, I will feel wrapped in the love of BOTH of them built up in me, as I feel their arms ready to catch me – and right me again – should I stumble.

“This old world is a new world: a bold world for me. It’s a new dawn – it’s a new day – it’s a new life for me: and I’m feeling good.”


[Intro]

Birds flying high, you know how I feel; Sun in the sky, you know how I feel; Breeze driftin' on by, you know how I feel

[Refrain]

It's a new dawn - It's a new day: It's a new life for me, yeah - It's a new dawn - It's a new day - It's a new life for me, ooh: And I'm feeling good

[Verse 1]

Fish in the sea, you know how I feel; River running free, you know how I feel; Blossom on the tree, you know how I feel

[Refrain]

It's a new dawn - It's a new day - It's a new life for me: And I'm feeling good

[Verse 2]

Dragonfly out in the sun, you know what I mean, don't you know? Butterflies all havin' fun, you know what I mean; Sleep in peace when the day is done, that's what I mean; And this old world is a new world: And a bold world, for me

[Verse 3]
Stars when you shine, you know how I feel; Scent of the pine, you know how I feel; Oh, freedom is mine; And I know how I feel

[Refrain]

It's a new dawn - It's a new day - It's a new life for me: And I'm feeling good

A SHAWL FOR KIRA


Last night I went to fellowship – I almost didn’t go – and found my purpose there.

I skipped last week because it was a week of missing Bob and I didn’t feel I would have been up to being around so many people when I was an emotional wreck. That said … last night I did go. And Elohim answered one of my prayers.

Dahlia’s sent home with me last night, after fellowship: so far, my lungs have not been thrown into respiratory distress ...

I have been praying that Elohim would use me where He could use me to honor him and help comfort someone else going through a wilderness journey.

Last night, I met a young woman (still a girl, actually), who is dealing with an aggressive type of cancer. She has no family here at all, except the Body of Believer’s that meet together with her … and of which, I am now a part, also. As the treatments progress, and as the cancer progresses, she will be facing the valley of the shadow of death: NO ONE SHOULD GO THROUGH THAT ALONE. I was asked – and I agreed – to be with her when the time comes that she will not want to be alone.

I can do that.

I am alone now.

I have LOTS OF TIME on my hands; in which I am doing nothing in particular.

I have been asking Elohim to find something for me to do … that would be productive.

I feel THIS situation with Kira is an answer to my prayerful request.

So, today after I finished up the slipper order I had received weeks ago …

Slippers finished up and will be ready for sending off as soon as the no-slip bottoms dry thoroughly.

… I will be getting busy on a shoulder wrap for Kira: and if there is enough yarn leftover, I will make her a matching beanie:

Forgive my sloppy appearance - when I am just going to be sitting around in-house, I usually slip into one of Bob's tee-shirts: they are big & roomy, and I feel wrapped in something that touched his body; it helps. Plus, I can work unconstrained - women's shirts are not very comfortable. MPO

The gray clouds are back – hiding blue skies I think are lurking behind the constant low-lying grayness. It is nippy here this morning.

My poor garden has given up – there will be NO corn this year – none/nada. Whether the Spaghetti Squash that is on the vine actually matures, is debatable at this point.

So, today, I will be very low-key; moving in slo-mo, starting work on a shawl for Kira, watching old black-n-whites on Youtube while I crochet … and moving towards the Sabbath’s Rest ;-)

I do not adhere to orthodox constraints, BUT I DO LIKE the 24-hour peacefulness of time I set aside every Friday sundown to Saturday sundown, just to focus on Elohei’s goodness/faithfulness, relax, breathe deeply, and just {be}.

SO IMPORTANT!


Thursday, August 15, 2019

FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE, I'LL BE LOVING YOU


It started out simple, that night of April 19th, 1974.
We were both free agents, out for a good time ... neither one of us looking for a permanent arrangement when Bob made that phone call to say, “I’d really like to see you tonight ..."
I had fallen in love with Bob 7 years earlier, when I was 10 years old, and had finally got to know him face to face 2 weeks earlier at his house - where my boyfriend at the time, was renting a room: Doug inadvertently threw Bob & I together (https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/04/magic-man.html); but I didn’t want to jinx our time together by wishing upon a star; and he was dealing with betrayal and the severing of a marriage: the very thought of ((((love)))) was something we both were sidestepping.
We started spending time together: "no strings", was the mindset.
A month later it got complicated.
The more time we spent together made us realize we were hopelessly in love with each other.
Love was blossoming and it was recklessly taking root.
We danced around the "L Word" ... Bob was still legally married, though he and Gloria had not lived together as man and wife since November 1973.
A divorce was in progress, but Bob was not yet, "legally free".
By the first week of July, Bob WAS free; and we openly spoke the L Word.
We were married the end of August.
And though Bob never changed my life too much - he DID CHANGE it in all the ways that mattered: he loved me wholly, without reservation, and without slipping a constraining leash on me.
And because he allowed me to be free, I restrained myself in the areas that I knew needed curbed to keep our marriage on track; and to have Bob's back.
Because he never demanded ... I gladly submitted.
Bob wore mighty big shoes.
I am in no hurry to slip someone else's feet into them - there will NEVER BE another Bob.

SOME DAYS ARE HARD TO ORGANIZE



This month – 14 days from today – will be the 1st year anniversary of that horrible day that led to the ER visit … that led to my husband’s physical death December 14th, 2018.
It is difficult.
One of his killers are still in the Park. I can’t escape seeing her – she has ingrained herself into EVERY event happening here; which means that I leave the Park to find entertainment opportunities, and socialization engagements. I don’t want to be around her, if I don’t have to be.
I have spread my wings since march 2019, and have learned to go to places we used to go – and to new places we have never gone together.
I revisit {our} places, because I don’t want to forget those memories; and I must come to terms with being comfortable in them: they are unavoidable, as they are local, and I do not want to relocate.
I go to new places because I like adventure … and Bob would want me to get on with living until I join him in that celestial city beyond the clouds; later on.
But, no matter how busy I keep myself – or how often I get out of the house – or how many times I engage in solo activities … I STILL COME BACK TO A HOME HE NO LONGER LIVES IN: He will never walk through that door with me; he will never inhabit any of the rooms of our home, or our bed again.
THAT I cannot escape/change/or manipulate.
People telling me to do what I am already DOING is not helpful.
And it changes nothing.
At some point, I pray, that I can live fully … without being dragged BACK to December 14th, 2018.

1st CORINTHIANS ~Chapter 8


I was reading my Blog posts earlier this morning to refresh myself on things I posted, and to gauge my progress in my Widow’s Walk … when I realized I had not posted a ‘Thursday Bible Study’ post in about a month’s time!

WOW.

Where has time gone this month?

To recap the last posting: 1 Corinthians/Chapter 7 was about marital obligations and Paul’s view on abstinence- for those who can abstain.

Abstinence works for me in my present … so that is where I am in my new life.

That said; today’s Scripture study touches on a mature Believer’s responsibility to the weaker brothers and sisters in The Faith. Those of us who are more mature in the graces of Yeshua, are not to flaunt our freedoms. We are to always to respect the weaker among us, and to be patient and empathetic in their slow progress – to encourage their steady growth.

It can be very frustrating at times to consider others around us; but let us be faithful ambassadors of Yeshua, and bow to those who are weaker in the faith, whenever that necessity arises.

**********

1st CORINTHIANS ~Chapter 8

Now, as to things sacrificed to idols, it is true that we all know something about it. But knowledge simply puffs one up, while love builds us all up. And when a man thinks that he knows a lot, he still has a lot to learn. But if he loves Elohei, he will have knowledge of Elohei.

In the matter of eating foods offered to idols, we know than an idol-god has no real existence in the world. Elohei exists, but there is no other god. Elohei is One.

It is true that men have supposed that there are so-called {gods} both in Heaven and on Earth: we hear of many such ‘gods’, and many such ‘lords’. But for us, there is only 1 God – Avinu Shebashamayim (our Heavenly Father), the source of all things and the goal of our life; and 1 Lord, Yeshua Ha’Mashiach, through Whom all things is made and through Whom we live.

This knowledge of Elohei is not shared by everyone. Some, having been accustomed to idol worship, still regard this meat as food sacrificed to a ‘god’, and as they eat, this defiles their conscience, which is already weak. But food is not what commends us to Elohei. We have no advantage with Him by eating; and we do not fall short by abstaining. Only this: you must be careful that your own freedom in this matter does not somehow become a stumbling block to those who are weak.

Suppose someone weaker in the Faith should see you at a table in an idol’s temple; you understand, but might not they be encouraged, if their conscience is feeble, to eat food sacrificed to idols? By your example, then, you may bring spiritual destruction upon this weaker person – someone for whom Mashiach died to save. And when you sin like this against your brother or sister, and further weaken thier conscience, then you sin against Mashiach Himself.

For this reason your practice should be: if meat is the cause of my brother’s downfall, then I will never eat meat again, for fear that I might cause him to fall.


Wednesday, August 14, 2019

HE SAID, "I'D LIKE TO MAKE IT WITH YOU"


Marriage scared me.
Seriously.
I had never seen a happy ... or a successful marriage among my relatives - or parents' friends.

I was more than happy just to move in with Bob and start our lives that way.
But Bob would not go for that: HE INSISTED ON MARRIAGE.

For every objection I gave - he would say, "I believe we can make it Val. I'd like to make it happen with you."
This went on for months.

Every night before he walked me home to make my midnight curfew, we'd have the same discussion.

He eventually wore me down one hot summer night when we were walking Commerce after having pizza and a lager at Pietro's Pizza ;-)

He pulled me to a stop in from of Zale's Jeweler’s, and said, "I believe we can make it Val. I'd like to make it happen with you. Marry me and be the mother of my children."

He already trusted me with his son (I made sure Alex was always a part of our dates when Bob had him for visitation weekends).
What could I do?
I loved Bob.
If he truly believed we had a chance ... then I was persuaded too.
We went into Zale's and walked out with 2 plain gold wedding bands.
I was 17, and Bob was 24.
And we made it for 44 years.

Marrying him was the BEST thing Bob ever talked me into :-D

LOVE ALL AROUND ME


I watered my garden beds from the rain barrels this afternoon; and burnt my exposed skin – it feels like it is STILL sizzling hours later.

While I was outside, I saw little mementos of love all around me; a tiny feather fluttering in the breeze, near a rain barrel on the side of the house near my planter boxes …


… and 3 stone hearts showing near the rain barrels on the opposite side of the house:


It was so hot this afternoon, that drawing a breath came close to searing my lungs; yet I saw love all around me today in my garden area ;-)


I love you, Babe.

Always.

OX

Tuesday, August 13, 2019

DEMONCRAT DICTATORS RUNNING AMERICAN NEWSPAPERS


WOW.

This is scary.

That a political sector in society CAN FORCE A NEWSPAPER TO IT’S KNEES and demand the newspaper RECANT TRUTH & print THEIR BIAS is something a third world dictator does!

This is not the America I knew …

One political faction should NOT BE ABLE to force a newspaper to push their biases.

Monday, August 12, 2019

VITAMIN D DAY


Everything in my Bazaar Cache bins have been re-tagged.

And ... I had a heart-to-heart with my SIL, Merry, yesterday afternoon – and it actually turned into quite a nice visit for both of us after the air was cleared. So, we’ll see where it goes from here; I believe the general consensus was that we all love Bob, and his absence puts a huge hole in our lives – we HAVE GOT TO become a cohesive family unit, or we are all going to feel the bite.

Merry is going to take care of the Rosburg Hall stuff, while I deal with the Cemetery stuff on the 30th; she is picking up the tab too … didn’t know about that until she told me Sunday. But it is welcome. And I thanked her for her generosity. She’ll be there to greet people who may stop there for a pit-stop before finding their way to the Cemetery. In this way, she said, she will feel like she is doing something for Bob & me. And that WILL BE a big help; and I told her that I do appreciate her help in this way. I am sure I will be an emotional basket-case that day, so if she wants to deal with the crowd – I am happy to hand everyone off into her capable hands.

While I DO appreciate people’s help, I do not appreciate being told that I need to get out and do something to take my “mind off the situation” so I “don’t think so much”: that is offensive to me; and it is not helpful. I AM “getting out” – I am getting out quite a bit, actually. The problem IS … that I STILL HAVE TO COME HOME. I mean – I can’t stay gone! I have to eventually come home. And when I come home, Bob is not here. And THAT would be the case, NO MATTER what I do, where I go, or how busy I keep myself. Even if I relocated … I would STILL KNOW that Bob is no longer here, with me. So, getting out & doing things is not the problem. The problem is that Bob is not here – THAT is the “problem”. I can’t be busy enough to change the fact that Bob is not here – he will never be here again. Going for a drive, visiting with people, going to Fellowship Meets, going shopping … or even going for a walk … is NOT going to change my “situation”. And, I don’t dwell on “it”; but when I feel cornered, my mind does go TO Bob – because Bob never cornered me: and when I was put in a cornered position, Bob was my strength; Bob was my anchor. He would just open his arms, and hold me, and tell me it was okay … and that I would be okay. He calmed me down. And now, he’s no longer here. And NO amount of busyness, NO amount of getting out of the house, NO amount of letting my mind vegetate is going to change that. THAT is not going to change.

So, this afternoon; after laundry was done and the bread was baked and stored, I grabbed a hamburger at Baker’s Corner, and drove out to the Willow Grove river beach: where I ate, enjoyed watching people, and got my daily fix of vitamin D ;-)



Vitamin D is necessary for over-all health (https://www.healthline.com/health/food-nutrition/benefits-vitamin-d), and since I am letting the Bridge Program Insurance Plan expire in October; and I am avoiding doctors – I need ALL the help I can GET to maintain my health, and stay healthy.

So, off to the beach I went, since I can’t get to the mountains – where I’d rather be :-D

I ate Supper at Willow Grove river beach. I watched river traffic & people … and the cawing ravens watched me; hoping I’d be careless and they could make off with half my meal. LOL
Willow Grove was popular today; the temperature was 90-degrees, and the humidity was brutal.
We never let our kids swim in the Columbia River – some people do … but it wasn’t worth the risk to us. The Columbia is one of the most dangerous rivers in the world. Our kids all had swimming lessons, and they all swam like a fish; but when they swam, they either swam at the Town or City Pools – or they went to a back road swimming hole with us. People die every year at Willow Grove: we were not going to let our children be included in that watery death tally.
Heavy ship traffic is another reason we never let our kids swim here.
Things I brought home off the beach; while I walked it, and collected them …

While I sat and watched river traffic & ate; and, after Supper, walked the trails, and watched people; I also gave my thoughts free rein ...

Christians are the ONLY people who can grieve and rejoice at the same time. That may sound like an oxymoron – BUT – it actually makes sense. We grieve because we miss the physical presence of our loved ones, but we rejoice because we know their spirit is with the One Who loves us more than we can ever imagine. And we KNOW that we WILL SEE them someday: we do not mourn as the world mourns. We rejoice because we know we have hope – this life on Earth is not all there is; we KNOW we have MORE to look forward to after this life on Earth is wrapped up. Earth is just a stepping stone to something bigger and better. This life on Earth teaches us about the love of our Father … and about how much He loves us. And we rejoice that to be absent from the body is to be present with Yeshua! Life eternal – life unimaginable.

As humans, we still have emotions: we still sorrow – but we don’t sorrow to the point of losing our mind with grief: of being seriously depressed or discouraged. We sorrow because we love those that have gone on before us. We know that on this Earth, we WILL NEVER see them again. We’ll never touch them. We’ll never speak with them. We never hear their voice again. The life we knew together with them is now over. But we will see them again. We will see them again! Our lives will be different, but we will see them again; and we will rejoice with them in our new life. And THAT is something to look forward to ;-)

Sunday, August 11, 2019

HALLOWEEN ALREADY!


I had to run into town to the Dollar Store for more poster board around 4 p.m.; then I hopped over to JoAnn’s to find a Gold Glitter Pen … and walked out $25 poorer when I didn’t find one: I bought a Letterboard & Letters instead – thinking about replacing my huge crocheted Frosty that I have been using the last 10 years as my Advertising draw:

HALLOWEEN ALREADY AT JOANN'S
LETTERBOARD & LETTERS for 'SOLO LOBO DESIGNS' SIGN

While waiting for traffic to move, a spiffed up young man (he looked like he was on his way to pick up his girl for a date) in the jeep alongside me had the radio blaring - so loud, MY car was actually pulsating - and a song came on that brought back memories of Bob and me, when we were young, and looking forward to a hot date on a hot summer night: and I instantly burst out in tears ... that's how it happens for me; quick and sudden when something triggers the nostalgic slideshow. One minute I am fine - the next, I am a teary mess of tangled emotions.

So, in an attempt to calm down and sooth my mind, I decided to go for a dike hike walk while I was in town; this time I chose the dike trail at 30th ...

PICNIC TABLE IS SOMETHING NEW ...

And Cheryl called to ask if I wanted to go pick more blueberries with her and Mike tomorrow. YES, please!

Picking berries with them - and chatting with them - will be very welcome after the in-laws' upset the other day >:-P


The dike hike on 30th was peaceful – and relatively quiet – I was the only one on the dike trail; until just before I reached the car on my backtracking return.

I think I might do more evening walks … it’s cooler; but I think I’ll wear shoes next time, instead of sandals: I got pebbly grit in my sandals, and that didn’t feel so good. But it was a nice walk; I’m glad I did it.

It was about a 45-minute walk ‘round trip.

I walk pretty fast - which makes my asthmatic lungs work harder than they should, so I hope I burned some calories too ;-)

Saturday, August 10, 2019

MY BABY GAVE ME CIGARS


My ‘Baby’ (anyone remembering 1960’s lingo would get this), was 6’2” … so I called him Babe ;-)

My Grandfather Ball – my mother’s father – smoked fancy Cuban Cigars … and I loved the smell of them on him.

One time after we got married, some fella who worked with Bob came to work passing out cigars when his wife gave birth – Bob hated cigars, but he brought it home. When I was cleaning his lunch box to get it ready for the next day’s lunch, I saw the cigar and asked him about it. Bob said he took the cigar because the fella was so happy to be passing them out. I asked Bob if he was going to smoke it – Bob said, “No.”

So, I asked if I could.

Bob laughed.

He said the image of me smoking a stogie that was a long as his hand … and he had BIG HANDS … tickled his funny bone: but he gave it to me.

And laughed the entire time I smoked that thing down to nothing ;-)

I loved cigars; I loved the smell of them, and the taste of them.

Ever after that, when a fella was passing out cigars, Bob would get one and bring it home to me - presenting it with a flourish & a chuckle :-D

I sure MISS Bob.

I miss his twinkling eyes when he was giving me something that would guarantee pleasure for me; and a good night’s entertainment for him ;-)

CONFIDENCE/COURAGE/STRENGTH


Well …

In this new life I have, I may not know where I am headed; BUT I do KNOW that I am NOT going back to the way it was.

THAT I DO KNOW.



I’m not going back – I am not going to continue chasing after anybody.

I’m not going to chase after Bob’s family.

I’m not going to chase after the kids.

I am not going to chase after anybody – for anything.

All these people know where I live: that hasn’t changed.

They know our phone number: that hasn’t changed.

So, if they aren’t (and they AREN’T) stopping by to visit me … or calling to talk with me; then I am going to assume, correctly, that they don’t want to have me in their lives.

They – none of them – want to have anything to do with me. I am the puzzle piece no one wants to deal with.

And that’s okay with me: if I have to drag them kicking and screaming into my life, I’d rather not have them in my life.

Bob gave me a LOT of confidence – and I am moving forward with that confidence.

Bob loved me.

Bob believed in me.

Bob had faith that I will be okay.

Bob KNEW that I would be abandoned: that’s why he hung into life for as long as he did.

I finally begged him to "Babe, let go" - it was killing me watching him suffer.

Bob knew that when he stepped off this planet, there would be no one there for me.

There never has been - not before him, not after him.

All of our married life, Bob instilled confidence in me.

And I am drawing on that, to move forward.

I remember one time, at his house before we got married, we had friends over – and one girl in particular, was the life of the party; and that deflated me. I remember saying to Bob, “I don’t know why you are dating me – I’m thankful you’re dating me, but I just don’t understand why.” He gave me a long look and said, “I don’t know why you would think that.” And I said, “Look at her – she’s pretty. She’s smart. She’s outgoing. She’s the life of the party.” And Bob said, “Exactly. And that is why I don’t want anyone like that. I had someone like that in my life; I married someone like that. That person you think would be better for me, reminds me of my ex-wife. I’m not interested in someone like that.” Then he took me by my hand and led me into the bathroom to stand before the mirror. He said, “What do you see?” I looked. And said, “I don’t see much of anything.” And he turned me around to face him, cupped my face with his big gentle hands, stared into my eyes, and said, “Well, you’re wrong. When I look at you, I see a beautiful lady - MY LADY. To me, you ARE beautiful. And you have a gorgeous body that turns me on. You have a kind and gentle spirit. You have a good heart. And you have a beautiful soul. To me, you are beautiful.” Then he kissed me. And said again, “You ARE beautiful to me; and that is why I am with YOU.”

Bob loved me.

Without hesitation, and without reservation.

Bob loved me unconditionally.

If Bob’s family can’t – or won’t - love me (they’ve never loved me, and never will); if our children can’t love me – because I wasn’t the parent, they wanted … I didn’t let them get away with murder: I didn’t let them sit around smoking pot, or drinking beer in our home, or sleep with their ‘friends’ … I just was not the mother that they wanted; and the grandkids can’t love me because they’ve been raised with their parents’ prejudices – and we never really got to know our grandchildren because the kids never came here ... and we weren't welcome there. Except Alyna – Alyna lived with us, for quite awhile during her early years. But when she went to live with her mother, and would come back occasionally to visit, we started hearing the same things we heard coming from Alex’s mouth when he went back to live with his mother and would come to visit: “I don’t have to listen to you, you’re not my mother” and so forth.

I am coming around to the conclusion that I don't need them in my life either to have a satisfactory, full life.

Alex lived with us from age 5 to 6 … and those were good years for our family. Bob’s ex-wife had remarried, and her husband (who was in the Army) had been stationed in Germany – so she went overseas with him, and Alex stayed behind with us: an that was okay with me. Alex was Bob’s son, and I was pregnant and thought it would be a great thing for us to bond as a family, especially with the baby coming. It was good for our family. Bob & Alex finally got to know each other, Alex got to know me – and he liked me: he thought I was a fun person. I WAS a fun person. And I treated him well: he was Bob’s son. And when Stacey was finally born, Alex loved her immediately – he thought she was his personal, animated toy. LOL! He enjoyed being with her – he enjoyed having her around. He was proud of her. “That’s my little sister!” he would tell everyone within hearing, “That’s my little sister.” But, his mother got kicked off base over in Germany, because she was being herself and embarrassing the military; so she came back stateside, and Alex went to live with her. And when he came to visit us, all of sudden the chill was felt & we started hearing, “I don’t have to listen to you; you’re not my mother”, and “she’s not my sister; I don’t like her.” And that attitude continued until he removed himself from my life this past July 4th, 2019.

I have not missed the snide belittlement's or the stress - I have been ENJOYING THE PEACE.

Bob's mother just automatically hated me on sight - but that's okay too - BOB LOVED ME: and she hates ALL of her children's spouses; so I didn't feel too picked on - just sad for her, that she was so miserable that she has to make everyone else so unhappy. Bob's mother is a self-centered, over-bearing, and interfering woman. And her name-sake daughter is exactly the same in character and action. Bob's brother, Ralph, is an unapologetic bully, reeking of a sour disposition. And Bob's other siblings just go with the flow - I think they are just afraid of the hurricane force fallout if they buck the unholy 3. It is not a nice family ... HOW Bob - who was so kind, gentle, compassionate, caring, and inclusive came from all that open hostility, bitterness, and self-delusion, is beyond me to comprehend.



So, if these people don’t want to spend time with me, I am okay with that.

I KNOW that I am an okay person – I don’t need their stamp of approval.

Bob told me every day for 45 years that I was an okay person.

Bob loved me.

I was his lady.

Bob would not have spent 44 years being married to me if I was a terrible person. If I was someone who was mean – or cruel. Or just plain rotten. Bob would not have spent time with me, if I was a pariah.

He just wouldn’t have.

So, if these other people can’t find time for me in their lives – if they can’t love me enough to occasionally include me in their lives … I can let ‘em go.

I don’t know where I am going in my new life, but I know that I am not going back to that.

I tolerated it for Bob, because his family was important to him.

But they ALL have always let me know that I am nobody. That I am not worth their precious time – and that they were not going to invest their time in someone who was meaningless to them.

So, it’s not difficult for me to let them go.

And walk away.

They aren’t as special as they seem to believe they are.

They are Bob’s family. And one of them was Bob’s child; the other was our child. But they’ve let me know that they don’t want me in their lives.

And I’ve come to terms with that.

I am comfortable in my own skin – and with my own company. I’ve had to be most of my life, until Bob joined his life with mine.

I like me.

Bob loved me.

And I’m just not going to let people make me feel bad about myself anymore.

It’s scary enough traveling this Life’s Road, that I am unfamiliar with.

It’s hard enough to forge ahead with a life that has been seriously altered.

I am NOT going to drag all those people behind me, kicking and screaming – that don’t want to be a part of my life. I’m not going to do it.

So, like I said before: I don’t know where I am going; but I’m not going back to the life I had.



There’s something better for me out there … and I’m going for it.

I’m taking Bob’s love with me, in my heart.

I’m taking the confidence he gave me.

I’m going to view my life through his eyes – and through Elohim’s eyes.

Elohim & Bob give me the confidence I need to get up and face every day.

They give me the courage to embrace the day.

They give me the strength to move through the day.

And everyone else can just take a flying leap.



I’ve dropped 20 pounds since I refused to allow others' opinions, bitterness, and rejection to hamstring me.

I’m getting stronger.



And I swear … I CAN HEAR BOB CLAPPING and that is encouraging ;-)