SHUFFLING ADJUSTMENTS

It has been a crazy quilt time of life building for 27 months.

As 2018 drew to a close, so did the life I knew and loved for nearly all of my life to date.

My life, going forward seemed hamstrung and uncertain.

Adjustments were made.

When 2019 dawned, I was learning to breathe again; without painfully gasping like a fish out of water. As I learned to breathe, I also learned to stand upright again, and walk without stumbling: I pulled heavily on memories Bob’s ‘can do’ character to get me upright/keep me on my feet, as well as my past personality (that even Bob had not met) to spring me into action.

I have never been comfortable in large groups of people, and I’ve never ever really needed to be around people: but eventually, the total lack of inactivity at my house started really working my nerves. All my life I have been surrounded by activity, even if I have watched most of it from the sidelines. But suddenly, there was nothing. Nada. No husband to smile at from across the room, share covo’s with, or snuggle through the night. No grandkids racing through the house.

Except for the quite humming of the ‘fridge for background noise, my house is silent as a tomb.

I appreciated the friends that stuck true when Bob was no longer present.

I appreciated/am thankful for the few family members that stuck with me (and came speedily to help me) when their brother, Bob, was no longer by my side.

I learned how to solo lobo navigate the Social Security dragon lady to obtain my Early Retirement Benefits – as well as my rightful Widow’s Compensation Stipend.

I learned to reach out to people and ask for advice when necessary.

I learned how to solo lobo handle difficult situations: like legalities that further altered my already tattered life; the endless labyrinth of hospital billing due to outsourcing factors; monthly downtown office wrangling’s with AT & T, or Xfinity; like immediate home repairs that needed hired help; car maintenance; computer snafus that needed untangling, ect.

I solo lobo joined social groups; and was surprised to learn I was capable of making friends on my own (without Bob’s social butterfly influences).

I learned that some people could identify with my life story, and could benefit from my scrap-quilt-journey (no egomania from me – they told me so).

I learned that no matter how much you love your kids/grandkids … sometimes they have been so poisoned by society influences, that it is better for everyone if the thread if tied and severed.

I learned that a broken heart does not need to break one/handicap them for life: a broken heart can actually make one a stronger person. Sometimes sad with the missingness, but stronger in the long run.

I am learning to live my life with a clean slate: it is strange, and feels weird; but kinds exciting, too – I’ve never lived my life solely for me, before. It’s an experience.

Adjustments were carrying the day.

Life had a purpose and a rhythm again.

2020 rolled around, and the Widow Fog started to lift: I was actively engaging in life activities again – then covid arrived on the scene, and a new fog settled in: not on me, but on the mass population as fear was preached from every talking head racking up talking points, and the bulk of the populace was crippled by toxic political fog.

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2020/03/demoncrats-scarying-public.html)

Much of the 2018 adjustments I had hurdled in 2019, and had cleared successfully with hope for brighter days, were stymied in March of 2020: people barricaded themselves inside their homes, scared to leave for fear the ‘silent killer’ virus would single them out and strike with a vengeance (they heard that scenario 24/7 blaring from their TV’s); public buildings shut their doors to groups that had been gathering there for social activities (even religious buildings, locked up – as leadership gave way to DC, rather than to God: in Whom there is no fear); restaurants, for fear of being heavily fined, shut their doors and pulled their shades.

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2020/03/happening-day.html)

People covered their faces, leaving only their haunted fear-filled eyes visible. They screamed at people who refused to cover their faces. People wore plastic gloves, and obsessively wiped down surfaces of everything. People were arrested for refusing to wear a mask – and forced to stay inside their house by armed police officers. There was no logical rational to any of the hysterical posturing … but the herd mentality had kicked in, and there are many lemmings in society.

Rationality was further eroded with the UNMASKED blm anarchist racist marches (‘whites’ were targeted and killed, while being caught on video and uploaded to social medias; applauded by demonrats), UNMASKED wholesale violence (National Monuments were defaced, and destroyed) a bulk of businesses were snuffed out – many moved out of State), and firebug activities (several forested acreages, and entire towns were reduced to ash). Many UNMASKED demonrat governors, senators, and presidential candidate openly supported the blm organization and gave it a free pass to ignore/break the Law: to the point of declaring that ‘people of color’ did not have to wear a mask … as if covid only sought out the ‘white’ sector of society to run rampant in: the same governors, senators, and candidates were notably def-dumb-blind when it came to blm anarchists overthrowing cities and establishing squatter headquarters, like third-world terrorist regimes. It was obvious the covid hysteria had been politically birthed, carried out, and held to – with ‘science’ being the Ace Card.

Forced adjustments to my life, resulted in lost time, lost opportunities, broken friendships that resulted in secondary losses … and the resurrection of a dormant rebellious streak in myself, that refuses to be harnessed to the herd fueled by fearmongering tactics.

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2020/03/fabulous-63-yo-rockstar.html)  

Revamped adjustments were life-savers. 

I said goodbye to brainwashed people. 

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2020/03/2-hikes-in-1-day.html &  https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2020/03/coronavirus-coverage-at-4-am-on.html) 

I met with friends who were not run by fear.

I enjoyed weekly Daytrips. 

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2020/03/love-in-sky.html) 

I shopped at places that honored freedoms. 

2020 was a struggle to get through, but I – along with many others – made it through; battle weary, and scarred by political shrapnel fallout … but still standing.

Each day unfolds sporadically; in, this, my new life.

In this crazy upside-down world, I never know what to expect anymore. But one thing I do know, is that I am no longer stuck in a grieving rut than leads to weeks of recovery.

Perpetual grieving will not become my new normal.

Life changes … either by the Grim Reaper, societies toxicity, of DC lunacy  … will not hinder my life, Either in the present, or in the future.

My life belongs to me – and only ME. 

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2020/03/this-virus-will-pass.html)

Shuffled adjustments were made.

2021 has arrived, and the covid and blm hysterias are still being played out up north, in Seattle … and across the River, in Portland. People have gone silent on FB – either because of the {team} slap-downs on free speech, or because they are seriously depressed knowing that even if they get the vaccine, they will still be required to wear masks (two, now!), and travel will be no easier than it is now. Everything, right now, appears to look hopeless; for those who put their trust in DC and the luciferin minions that hold DC hostage.

I am still wading through a shattered life I still do not recognize anymore, with no dependable GPS coordinates. But I am moving forward in Faith; with loving support from people who … even if they don’t understand me, and why I do what I do … like me enough to want me to succeed in my new life.

I am still living my life.

For me.

Solo Lobo. 

Fully, without fear.

Making adjustments as life unfolds.