Today is quite a bit different than this day,
last year.
Today, last year, I was new to widowland (78 days);
today, this year, I am 443 day in.
I had joined a local widow’s group and several
Facebook widow groups – I have since left all of them: they were no help at
all, and actually made me feel worse. So, I dropped them.
This post from last year’s FB post showed up in
my Page Home newsfeed as a 1 Year Memory …
March 1st,
2019/8:21 AM: (Posted to FB only) Because people who have never lost a spouse do
not understand what it is like – yet … and maybe even some who HAVE lost their
spouse didn’t have the same understanding of marriage that I have; marriages
today are more of a convenient business deal (taking ‘friends with benefits’ 1
step higher), than a melding of 2 hearts in love. 2 people today may marry, but
they go on to live separate lives: they are not truly married, just reaping the
governmental benefit that married people enjoy without ever realizing the true
depth of a real marriage. That is sad, and they do not understand what the loss
of a real spouse feels like: a piece of paper does not make a marriage.
Losing a spouse is NOT like losing a parent, a sibling, or a child. It IS different.
Losing a spouse is not like going through a divorce. It IS different.
Losing a spouse is not like losing a beloved pet. It IS different.
Losing a spouse is like losing HALF OF YOURSELF. It IS different.
Losing a spouse needs emotional adjustment … and THAT takes time and time is irrelevant.
**********
Valeria Hargand posted yesterday in a Facebook Widows and Widowers Group: It makes perfect sense. And I think it is offensive to tell people crying is wrong and unhealthy. Love involves tears. When my husband was dying I had to be strong for him, so I stifled my tears 95 % of the time; after his spirit left his body I was kinda numb and wrung out ... really didn't have time to feel anything or give way to emotions because I was dealing with funeral arrangements and financial upheaval as well as the loss of his presence in my life. Now the numbness has worn off and day-to-day responsibilities and funeral dealings have been dealt with; now is the time the emotions have come to the surface and the grieving has begun. I do not cry because I am devastated ... I cry because I cannot look across the room now and see him sitting in his chair, or playing with the grandson we waited 18 years for. I cry because before I lay my head on my pillow at night I kiss his ash urn now instead of his mouth - he was always a smiling and laughing man: I miss that. I cry because in my flesh I want him here with me still, yet my spirit rejoices that he is in Heaven now in a body that will never know pain again, enjoying life that will never ever end again and I am not yet sharing that life with him - it is complex and emotional, but it is my right to feel these complex emotions: it is called L.O.V.E. I cry because my life going forward without him does stretch out with lots of emptiness that past memories just cannot fill - he gave me 44 years of wonderful loving memories, but there will be no more; while my heart and mind is filled with memories, my mind and heart also has empty places in them that will never be filled again with his loving presence: that realization makes me cry. I do not want to turn my back on yesterday - yesterday was wonderful. And hopefully someday in the future will also be happy ... but it isn't right now: today had a couple teary patches hitting me unexpectedly, and tomorrow will probably throw a couple sad patches at me too with tears being an end result. If I could stop it, I would, but when it happens - it happens and there is no stopping it. My husband knew ... and knows ... that I am not a girly-girl given to sudden and hysterical crying jags; but he also knew and knows that he was the love of my life and the focus of my life: I think HE KNOWS what elizabeth ammons fails to realize: that love came to us unexpectedly, so did death; and emotions are okay. I cried when he told me he loved me and asked me to marry him/I cried on our Wedding day/I cried when our daughter was born and when our grand-children were born/I cried on each Anniversary because I, still after 44 years could not believe my good fortune to be married to such a wonderful blessing who gave me such joy. But when he was dying, I did not cry - I had to be strong. For a month and a half after he left earth, I did not cry because I was dealing with Social Security Admins and the Funeral Home stuff: I did not have time to cry or process the acute loss. Now I do not have to be strong ... now I can cry out my frustrations. Now I can cry out my loneliness. Now I can cry out my loss. Now I can give in to healing tears. And I should not have to apologize to anyone for crying - especially to someone like elizabeth ammons who thinks turning one's back on a wonderful yesterday is the way to deal with the loss of a loved one. MPO
Losing a spouse is NOT like losing a parent, a sibling, or a child. It IS different.
Losing a spouse is not like going through a divorce. It IS different.
Losing a spouse is not like losing a beloved pet. It IS different.
Losing a spouse is like losing HALF OF YOURSELF. It IS different.
Losing a spouse needs emotional adjustment … and THAT takes time and time is irrelevant.
**********
Valeria Hargand posted yesterday in a Facebook Widows and Widowers Group: It makes perfect sense. And I think it is offensive to tell people crying is wrong and unhealthy. Love involves tears. When my husband was dying I had to be strong for him, so I stifled my tears 95 % of the time; after his spirit left his body I was kinda numb and wrung out ... really didn't have time to feel anything or give way to emotions because I was dealing with funeral arrangements and financial upheaval as well as the loss of his presence in my life. Now the numbness has worn off and day-to-day responsibilities and funeral dealings have been dealt with; now is the time the emotions have come to the surface and the grieving has begun. I do not cry because I am devastated ... I cry because I cannot look across the room now and see him sitting in his chair, or playing with the grandson we waited 18 years for. I cry because before I lay my head on my pillow at night I kiss his ash urn now instead of his mouth - he was always a smiling and laughing man: I miss that. I cry because in my flesh I want him here with me still, yet my spirit rejoices that he is in Heaven now in a body that will never know pain again, enjoying life that will never ever end again and I am not yet sharing that life with him - it is complex and emotional, but it is my right to feel these complex emotions: it is called L.O.V.E. I cry because my life going forward without him does stretch out with lots of emptiness that past memories just cannot fill - he gave me 44 years of wonderful loving memories, but there will be no more; while my heart and mind is filled with memories, my mind and heart also has empty places in them that will never be filled again with his loving presence: that realization makes me cry. I do not want to turn my back on yesterday - yesterday was wonderful. And hopefully someday in the future will also be happy ... but it isn't right now: today had a couple teary patches hitting me unexpectedly, and tomorrow will probably throw a couple sad patches at me too with tears being an end result. If I could stop it, I would, but when it happens - it happens and there is no stopping it. My husband knew ... and knows ... that I am not a girly-girl given to sudden and hysterical crying jags; but he also knew and knows that he was the love of my life and the focus of my life: I think HE KNOWS what elizabeth ammons fails to realize: that love came to us unexpectedly, so did death; and emotions are okay. I cried when he told me he loved me and asked me to marry him/I cried on our Wedding day/I cried when our daughter was born and when our grand-children were born/I cried on each Anniversary because I, still after 44 years could not believe my good fortune to be married to such a wonderful blessing who gave me such joy. But when he was dying, I did not cry - I had to be strong. For a month and a half after he left earth, I did not cry because I was dealing with Social Security Admins and the Funeral Home stuff: I did not have time to cry or process the acute loss. Now I do not have to be strong ... now I can cry out my frustrations. Now I can cry out my loneliness. Now I can cry out my loss. Now I can give in to healing tears. And I should not have to apologize to anyone for crying - especially to someone like elizabeth ammons who thinks turning one's back on a wonderful yesterday is the way to deal with the loss of a loved one. MPO
By
and large, I still believe what I posted last year … but I am slowly coming to
the uncomfortable realization that I may have to let go of a lot of my
wonderful yesterday memories in order to healthy and productively move forward.
I don’t think I can rebuild a new life by keeping a firm grasp on a life that
no longer exists. Many of my recent crying jags revolve around that
realization.
It’s
a balancing act … what to hang onto for survival: what to let go of, for
survival – and growth.
I
know that when my husband took his last breath, Elohim took him by the hand,
slapped him on his back, and walked him through the Pearly Gates, saying,
"Welcome home son; thou good and faithful servant." Knowing that is
what gets me through each heart-wrenching day.
I was there, in the room, when Bob breathed out his last breath. He was ready to go Home: he went Home peacefully. I feel privileged to have witnessed that transformation form here to there. I am thankful Elohim favored both of us with a favoring passing. We had prayed many months for Elohim's grace and favor.
I was there, in the room, when Bob breathed out his last breath. He was ready to go Home: he went Home peacefully. I feel privileged to have witnessed that transformation form here to there. I am thankful Elohim favored both of us with a favoring passing. We had prayed many months for Elohim's grace and favor.
I
truly did not expect Bob to proceed me – it’s still hard for me to believe. I
am going to do all I can to make sure I get to Heaven too, when my time on Earth
expires. I need to become more actively engaged in life in order to fulfill Elohim’s
plan for my life as long as I have life.
By and large, I
am learning to let go so I can move forward unencumbered.
March 1st,
2019/4:44 PM: (Posted to FB only) Today was a good day - started out good
and just kept getting better.
I am going to be starting an exercise regime tomorrow ... started with walking a mile this morning. I like to walk and exercise (though no one would know it by looking at me lately), and it helps keep my mood balanced and positive. Asthma and Angina get me a little winded, as you can hear in the videos, but getting winded does not /has never stopped me from walking or exercising.
I am also taking part in a Widow's Group (not the same one as before), and will be joining a Craft Group March 18th at the Park Club House.
Today after my walk, I started doing grounds maintenance around the house starting with the front flowerbeds. With no grandson or husband underfoot this year - sadly - I should be able to get a jump on things and keep maintenance under control.
I also have a plumber coming tomorrow or the next day.
Today was a good day; the days are brighter longer and that helps. I hope things keep looking up; tired of crying.
I am going to be starting an exercise regime tomorrow ... started with walking a mile this morning. I like to walk and exercise (though no one would know it by looking at me lately), and it helps keep my mood balanced and positive. Asthma and Angina get me a little winded, as you can hear in the videos, but getting winded does not /has never stopped me from walking or exercising.
I am also taking part in a Widow's Group (not the same one as before), and will be joining a Craft Group March 18th at the Park Club House.
Today after my walk, I started doing grounds maintenance around the house starting with the front flowerbeds. With no grandson or husband underfoot this year - sadly - I should be able to get a jump on things and keep maintenance under control.
I also have a plumber coming tomorrow or the next day.
Today was a good day; the days are brighter longer and that helps. I hope things keep looking up; tired of crying.
Unbeknownst
to me – today, last year – I was struggling with influenza, I am
pretty sure I picked up in the hospitals last year while I sat death watch with
Bob. I knew I was struggling to breathe, and I was feeling pretty run-down; but
I just figured I was grieving hard. And I have always struggled to breathe. Because
I didn’t realize I was really sick, I spent time outside I should not have,
doing strenuous things I should not have: a few days later, I would be dealing
with influenza full-on.
I was slowly learning the ins-and-outs of Bob's phone last year - the video feature was kinda fun. But I kept wishing Bob was here to teach me: and applaud my "getting it finally". I can’t wait for these flowers to bloom again this Spring. The crocuses are up, and the Parrot Tulip buds are swelling. The Calla Lilies are still sleeping …
This
year, I haven’t been walking hospital hallways, inhaling air laced with illness.
I have been eating garlic cloves every day, several times a day. I have started
using Oregano Oil every day, several times a day. I am eating healthier. I am
sleeping more than a few snatches of zzz’s – I am actually sleeping the nights
through now. I am not subconsciously driven outdoors in the snow or rain to
walk off the widow blues – this winter has been a pretty mild one, weather-wise: even so, I
have been wiser about my outdoor time.
I
am actively engaging in an exercise regime at least twice a week, in Castle
Rock, and when the weather really warms up for sure … I will start walking
again. And doing grounds maintenance around the house exterior, and garden
area.
I
am no longer doing the Park Club House Craft’s Night because there are people
there that do pungent leather work, and paint projects, without ventilating the
room – my lungs can’t handle that.
2019
was a year of surviving & healing; settling legalities, and learning how to
do things myself without always needing to call someone to help me – I still
need occasional helping, but not as frequently: I’m a quick student, and Elohim
sent me kind, and gentle, teachers ;-)
By and large, 2020
will be the year of living; and testing differing levels of love in all its glory.
I must have love in my life … not necessarily romantic love: I am not
pursuing that. But I am open to all other forms of love that will come my
way :-D
Live
for love.
2020’s
motto and refrain.
