Didn’t sleep very well last night – missing Bob and missing our daughter; but tired of fighting with her. Yesterday, she removed herself from my life a.g.a.i.n … and I am okay with that. I didn’t cry; that tells me that I am waaaay past caring anymore whether she is in – or out – of my life as my life goes forward. Over the past 35 years of her constant jerking of my strings, I often wondered what it would actually feel like when the string she was yanking on finally snapped; and I quit caring.
Strangely, I don’t feel anything.
I checked FB yesterday, and saw that she was missing from my Friends List … and, for reasons of her own, I have subsequently been blocked.
ALL I felt was: ‘Hmmmm’.
That’s it.
THANK YOU, YESHUA.
I am no longer devastated by any of her childish and churlish actions.
But, apparently I did miss her last night, while missing Bob. It’s not the same missingness – because Bob truly loved me. Where Stacey is concerned … I just feel sad with the missingness; because she never allowed us to be close. All her life she has fought against me. For anything, and everything. Life with Stacey was always a battlefield; and I never knew when she’d strike a painful blow. I miss the life we could have had, had she ever wanted me in her life.
Now, all that is behind me, and my only response is, ‘hmmmm.’
I have finally reached the point in my life, where I am no longer devastated by any of her childish and churlish actions. Hallelujah.
And, while I am also missing Bob: that, too, has changed. The Grim Reaper’s imp and sidekick, Grief, can no longer devastate me either. There are times, still, where I am hit with longing and sudden missingness that makes my nose burn with the onset of tears, and brings me to my knees … but those times are coming further and further apart. The year I gave myself to fully grieve the loss of my husband’s presence in my life; and the end of a beautiful 44 year life Bob gave me with his love, was concluded this past December 14th (26 days ago): and in this New Year, after suffering the loss of my husband, the loss of an entire way of life, and the loss of my entire family nucleus … Elohim is favoring me with mercy.
Over the past 382 days, Elohim has abundantly supplied for ALL my needs – I never suffered depression while grieving for Bob/loyal and present friends came alongside me and remain steadfast/my monthly expenses are being met & I can afford occasional “extras”/I am building a New Life with new Family.
I am blessed.
Moving into 2020, 1 day at a time, I have a loosely formulated ‘Plan’ of sorts; and I am energetically embracing whatever each day brings to me with each new dawn – even though my energy level has never fully rebounded from the severe life changes that occurred in the Fall-Winter of 2018: the life changes that jerked me around in 2019, and the life changes that crested with the arrival of 2020. But I have been strengthened, just the same. As 2018 waned, I survived when I thought my heart would never recover; as I moved through 2019, I survived when I thought would drown in a sea of emotional upheaval; and by the time 2020 dawned, I realized I was no longer looking at life through eyes that had been soul-hurt; I KNEW I had made it through the hardest times of my entire life … and I would be more than a survivor: I would be victorious in my New Life.
It’s an energizing feeling :-D
Even so, getting energized, takes time when batteries have been run down so low; the spark sparking is faint.
There are days I am still dazed and confused when life comes at me too fast, and too hard – but, I am rolling with it now, and getting back on my feet with a little bounce to my step. Enthusiasm and interest in events and activities still has to be forced – but, I AM working up enthusiasm and that generated enthusiasm makes events a good (and often-time FUN) thing once I actively engage. I DO go out of the house to go on Daytrip drives, revisiting places Bob & I went together – new places too, as a Solo Lobo – meet with old friends; and meet new people who become new friends.
All through the emotional upheavals of 2018, I began to draw on the girl Bob met in 1974 and admired ... so much so, he wanted that girl in his life, and talked her into joining her life with his 4 months into dating – the determined girl full of grit, whose power was the power of love; because love is so powerful, it infuses, strengthens, and beautifies whoever welds it skillfully. Towards the waning of 2019, I began a catharsis; an awakening of renewal and restoration as I began to let go of my old life … and all the pain associated with it, and boldly move into a new life that would free me to become the person Bob’s blessing as he was leaving this planet, released me to be.
It took me a while to relinquish the life I shared with Bob; it took me some time to learn to meld the foundation of those old memories with the restructuring of the new life I am building. I had to find balance and harmony in suddenly finding myself “me” instead of the “we” I had been for 44 years. I had to stop chasing after people who threw me under the bus – while Bob had hoped his physical death would bring about a restoration of family … family has made very clear that is not going to happen.
It took me a while to relinquish the life I shared with Bob; it took me some time to learn to meld the foundation of those old memories with the restructuring of the new life I am building. I had to find balance and harmony in suddenly finding myself “me” instead of the “we” I had been for 44 years. I had to stop chasing after people who threw me under the bus – while Bob had hoped his physical death would bring about a restoration of family … family has made very clear that is not going to happen.
I had to learn to let go.
I had to learn to face a clean slate (no recriminations – from self, or outside influences), a blank canvas (I can create with as much color as I want; any design I want), wide open horizons (anything & everything IS possible).
I am creating my own legacy, while honoring Bob’s legacy and remembering the life our love built.
That legacy of love is carrying me into the future: 1 day at a time.
Life is good again.
Keenager’s had been put off for 2 weeks over the
Christmas-New Year period … it was on again, this afternoon, so I decided to go
through town to get to the meet. I first stopped at Wal*Mart on Ocean Beach, to
see if my relief inhaler was ready for pickup yet – it wasn’t last night; but, it
was this afternoon.
(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2020/01/lakefront-appointment.html)
Then, I stopped at the bank to cash a refund check I received the other day:
(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2020/01/lakefront-appointment.html)
Then, I stopped at the bank to cash a refund check I received the other day:
Not a lot, but enough for lunch with the girls later this month.
((((Thank You, Yeshua!)))) ;-)
Then, it was over back streets and up the hill to the meet. It was fun to see everyone again, share updates on our lives, laugh, and share a meal together. I helped with kitchen cleanup (I actually like doing that), and chuckled when I saw the retro kitchen color scheme – I LIKE color, and this sink and countertop combo was plenty colorful :-D
I LIKE!
Because I had tossed and turned throughout the previous
night – and had finally just gave up & got out of bed as dawn dawned; and I
was yawning pretty heavily and frequently following lunch at the meet. So, I
left Keenager’s before it was even halfway into the meet, and crashed
immediately after reaching home …
WOW! I was really tired – and snared by a sweet dream where Bob and I were young and free. We laughed, we sang, we made love. Sweet memories. Man! I MISS my man!
Since I slept sooooo long today, and am … refreshed and wide awake, I think I’ll get busy making a dishcloth to match this kitchen towel I designed, and worked up, the other night ;-)
MOD Retro daisy trimmed Kitchen towel.
