STORMY

Stormy morning - the gusty winds and pounding rain woke me up. Bob immediately came to mind ... Bob liked stormy weather; that may be a result of ocean storms that fascinated him. He and his family lived in Ilwaco for awhile; his father had a boat I think they took people out fishing with (as well as family fishing). And Bob worked on a Charter Boat as a teen before the family moved to Cathlamet.

High winds and heavy rain woke me up this morning, so I opened the shade; if Bob were still here, he'd have been up and watching it play out through the LV windows while drinking his morning coffee. I believe Bob rides the clouds – maybe he was watching it. Up close & personal ;-)

1964; Ilwaco, WA. Bob (in the stocking hat) & Bob, Sr. (white hat) on the family boat, ‘The Booby’. His middle sister, Bonnie, name it: she was a toddler and couldn’t pronounce Bob’s name right. His family called him “Bobby” all of his natural life. He hated that name after he was a full-grown man, but what’re you gonna do when it’s family?

MAN! I miss Bob!

He always had that innocent expression – he chose to see the good in life, no matter how ugly it got. And that casual way of sitting … he was always totally at peace in his surroundings.

He was my anchor.

Longbeach Peninsula Map - Longbeach-Ilwaco-Oysterville

Bob; around 1965-66. He would have been around 16 – after he got his driver's license. He was a good-looking guy even then ... but he would be sinfully handsome a year later: and steal my heart forever ;-)

Bob – 1967. Naselle, WA

Bob - Mar. '67. Cathlamet, WA

Bob was one of the first people to cross the Astoria-Megler Bridge after it was completed. Bob said after he got his driver's license, and before he worked on the Charter Boat, he had a job hauling fish guts across that bridge to a place along the Oregon Coast where it was used to make fertilizer.

Bob was an excellent driver. The cross-winds that assault that bridge are legendary. One time, when he was crossing the bridge driving a 16-wheeler, the winds turned him sideways and he said he managed to keep the truck from toppling over, but he drove it the length of the bridge with one bumper on one side - and the other bumper on the opposite side. He was thankful there was no other traffic on the bridge because there was no other way to get that truck across, than criss-cross.

I hate that bridge and won't cross it alone. It takes forever to get from shore to shore, and it's a death-trap bridge. I hate it.

Astoria-Megler Bridge seen from Astoria, OR. Washington is across the Columbia River.

When I met him - and even a while after we were married, he hated eating fish. He would eat some fried sturgeon, and a little smoked salmon ... but he said he was turned off fish growing up; I understood that, but fish is important to a healthy diet. He eventually ate some fish Suppers I made. But he never did really enjoy eating fish.

A gully washer of a storm happening. WOW

Last year, today, Bob’s older sister Merry, came by to help reopen Bob’s Cremains Box and retrieve 2 teaspoons of cremains to put into my little Remembrance Urn; so now when I kiss it goodnight, his essence is actually IN it, and I am comforted. I was very upset last year when I opened my little Urn and saw that t was empty. (https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/02/i-dont-know-how-much-more-i-can-stand.html).

Merry, Kerry & Bonnie - February 21, 2020

This year, my life is empty – completely bereft of family. I am still a wife: yet, not; I am still a sister: yet, not; I am still a SIL: yet, not; I am still a mother & grandmother: yet, not. Everything is so surreal. I can understand why the mortality rate of widows and widowers is so high following the loss of a spouse. A broken heart and loneliness can kill; loneliness (the loss of close companionship, daily conversation – even a phone call, and the absence of physical touch) is the hardest hurdle to clear.

It is strange how the absence of 1 person in the world can change the dynamics of an entire lifetime.

But, I refuse to lie down and die – if Elohim wants me Home, He can have me; and He knows that … but I will not willingly allow the Grim Reaper to make a claim before my time. Elohei is still the Ticket Master.

Old friends are becoming temporary docking berths while I try to navigate these unfamiliar, choppy waters, of widowhood – and I am smart enough to understand that I can’t park in those berths indefinitely.

Keenager’s, Christmas Party 2019. Bob’s doppelganger is the bald fella wearing glasses, a blue shirt and dark windbreaker, standing by the potluck table. He's not as tall as Bob was, but he really resembles Bob is a startling way. It's unnerving.

So, Wednesday, I went back to Keenager’s and enjoyed a good time of small-talk-chit-chat, laughter, and lunch … and Bob’s doppelganger was not there; thank You, Elohim! I did warn everyone that I might break out crying, and the response was, “So what? If you do, we understand; and you are among friends.” That meant a lot! Aside from their unwavering compassion and open-handed friendship to me, they really are a great group of people. The problem is me; I have never been comfortable in large groups of people, and I’ve never ever really needed to be around people: but now, I need to be around people – the total lack of inactivity at my house is really working my nerves. All my life I have been surrounded by activity, even if I have watched most of it from the sidelines. But now, there is nothing. Nada. No husband to smile at from across the room, or snuggle through the night. No kids racing through the house. No TV blaring from the back room. Nothing.

I joined 2 Senior Centers a few months ago, but I am only going to be active in 1 – and that, only on Bingo Saturdays. Nothing else happening at either Center interests me: I don’t square dance, and have no desire to learn. Ditto for line dancing. I play Mahjong online … but would be bored stiff if I had to sit through a game table mahjong game. I don’t understand Pinnacle or Cribbage: Bob tried to teach me several times through out our marriage, and I was a lousy partner – it’s the mathematical concept of the games that does me in and frustrates my partner. Poker, I am good at; but for whatever reason, there are no poker games happening at the Senior Centers. I’m not interested in writing my Life Story days … I do that on FB and on my Blog. And I like what I prepare for my lunches at home (except for Keenager Wednesdays); I see no reason whatsoever to go to the Centers and pay $5 for a Cinnamon Roll or $8 for a cafeteria type luncheons prepared with canned meats and potato flakes. The Castle Rock Senior Center had daytime activities, but I only enjoy the Bingo Saturdays, which end at 4 PM.: no night driving. I like that. There is a pool table there too, and maybe I'll give that a whirl. I do enjoy playing pool. Bob was very good and was in several Pool Tournaments that he won - I think Alex has Bob's pool stick now. The Kelso Senior Center does all those things above I have no interest in – plus they do out-of town activities with a charted Bus line that does do interesting things … but they don’t get home until 7 or 9 PM; which means night driving. I don’t like that. So, Keenager’s and the Castle Rock Senior Center are my out-of-house weekly excursions: 2 days a week at roughly 1-1/2 to 3 hours’ time killed. But, I am not ready to be old yet.

And of course, my monthly 4 hours with Cheryl & Pam.

Cheryl and Pam: we played a board game Thursday while we chatted. This is a friendly & familiar berth.

I can’t wait for the weather to stabilize so I can get out more and do more things out of town. Right now, there are floods in various places – and landslides brought on by the saturations. There really isn’t anywhere I want to go, that is safe to travel to or through yet.

So.

That is where my life is today.

Still messy, uncertain, and frustrating.

Stormy weather.

I have been talking to Elohim about that … we'll see what He does ;-)