I'll Meet You There ...

Thursday, September 24, 2020

BLACK & BLEU

My laptop died a year ago, and I started using Bob’s – about 6 weeks ago, I noticed that Bob’s laptop was losing juice: it started holding even at 54% charge; so, I’ve been leaving it plugged in ‘round the clock, hoping to keep it alive long enough to track down and purchase a replacement battery.

Hoping a replacement battery is available: I really want to keep this laptop as long as I can. It is Bob’s laptop; it is a tangible piece of the life Bob lived.

I do not want to replace this laptop unless I absolutely have to.

So, this morning, I decided to take Bob’s laptop into town and see about getting a replacement battery.

The sky was heavy with rain-saturated black clouds.

I drove to Office Depot, downtown, in the Triangle Mall center.

As I was waiting in line to be helped, another customer pointed out that overhead signs were indicating liquidation sales. What?

Obviously, there would be no help available for what I needed.

So, I got out of line and walked back to the Highlander.

About then the clouds began to leak in earnest with heavy drops of pavement pelting wet missiles: they had a decidedly blue tinge to them. Office Depot was the last computer store in town – the other had closed shop 3½ years ago. Bob had driven to Janzen Beach Mall, in Oregon to buy the laptop I am hoping to find a fix for.

Darn it!

With Office Depot closing, the necessity for me to engage in dreaded big city driving is becoming crucial.

Help me, Yeshua.

My thoughts started darting all over the place … is there a computer store in Centralia? I’d rather risk the freeway to Centralia, than Vancouver, Portland, Tacoma, or Seattle. I’d rather avoid ALL freeway travel, but if I have to drive the freeway – I’d rather end up closer to home, than further away.

Centralia is closer.

Centralia from Longview. 47 mins via I-5 N

And the streets should be easier to navigate: please, Elohim!

But, right now, the closest thing to what I need, and who may be able to help me now was in Kelso: so, that’s where I headed.

Along the route, I noticed several businesses were setting up sidewalk sandwich boards announcing more liquidation sales – I was not happy to see that. I honestly so not know if our great Nation can rebound from the disastrous political games the demonrat governors have forced on The People.

Washington State has struggled for decades since logging and fishing was sidelined … the technological and eco-‘friendly’ businesses that promised ‘lots of job opportunities’ never caught on here; they were quick flash-in-the-pan failures statewide.

And that empty-headed, black-hearted, goose-stepping demonrat nazi party liner media whore, inslee, has pretty much destroyed our economy, and our communities with all the asinine mandates he has ordered since March of this year.

It was still raining buckets of water from overhead, but I got some news inside that felt like warm rays of sunshine :-D

They can and will order me a battery if and when I really need one … right now, I can continue using the laptop “as is”, even at the mid-% holding charge; and when I asked if they could retrieve pictures from the old hard drives Bob had hung onto, they said they could – the service gal texted her partner to get me an accurate quote of what to expect for prices.

There is a replacement battery still available on the market – new, not used – and the price seemed reasonable.

While I was standing around and waiting for the return text concerning the retrieval fees, I laughed when I saw this pic tacked to the wall:

Computer humor ...

I left the store walking on a nice white, dry, fluffy cloud 9.

I called my granddaughter, Alyna, when I got inside the car. I wanted to let her know that I took her up on her advice, and looked into a replacement battery – and had found a place that could do that for me when the time came to get it done … I plan on doing that sometime in the Spring of 2021: I am making plans that will include the necessity of a replacement battery.

Everything was going well with the phone convo: until my little grandson wanted to talk with me – I was okay with that; Stacey was not.

As soon as Azariah said he missed me and wanted me to come for a visit, I expected the interruption, and rude intrusion; so, I was prepared.

It happened right on cue.

She can’t help herself.

She insinuated herself into the conversation, tried to make me feel bad … and angrily ended the call.

Normally, I would have been reduced to tears, wondering what I had done – and called back to ask why she hung up the phone: pleading to be allowed to continue talking with my grandson.

But, things have changed.

I don’t care anymore what her reasons are.

When I heard dead air instead of Aza’s voice, I surprised myself when all I did was just looked at the phone – slip it into the dash niche; turn the ignition on and drive away.

I don’t care anymore what her fickle reasons are for treating me badly.

She has to live with herself.

She has to explain to her children why she’s a miserable bitch.

I’m done.

I’m done apologizing for whatever imagined slights she feels.

I’m done groveling to enjoy my grandchildren.

I’m done crying over the weight of baseless fickle abuses she heaps on my shoulders.

I’m done trying to fit into a life she has closed the door on.

I.a.m.d.o.n.e.

I am healing.

I decided I needed tangible comfort.

I drove to Country Folks Deli for lunch πŸ˜‰

It was busy, but I found a booth and settled in to wait for a waitress to notice me.

This is good news for me; and it gives me time to save $$$ towards eventual replacement.
Already looking towards 2021 Goals πŸ˜‰
I enjoyed talking with the grandkids: brief as it was.
Aza asked me to come visit: not gonna happen any time soon. As I mentioned in July, I can stay away if my grandkids are going to be traumatized.(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2020/07/education-of-road-virgin.html)
Apparently, now, Stacey is putting an end to phone calls too: ON ALYNA’S PHONE no less! Alyna is 25, Aza is 6. Stacey is overbearing ...
Country Deli lunch - comfort food for comfort.

My waitress eventually found her way to my booth, and I ordered a Black & Bleu Burger – I normally have a Reuben this time of year, but a Reuben today would have had me thinking of the Reubens Alyna makes in the German Deli she manages … and I didn’t want to have my emotions taken hostage when I was doing so well at pushing the blackness away. Even though the perimeters of my emotions were edged in blue, I did not want to be fighting tears in public; I knew biting into a Reuben sandwich would do me in.

So, I steered clear of the Reuben, and got a burger.

Maybe I will be brave enough to make the drive to get a Reuben made by Alyna’s own hands sometime in 2021 … maybe.

Menu - I got the Black & Bleu Burger w-Beer Batter Fries.

The Name of the burger fit the mood of the bruising end of the earlier phone call, but it really is delicious; and I was anticipating the pungency of the bleu cheese, tasty bacon, and grilled onions topping: perfect food fare for a Fall day πŸ˜‰

With everything topsy-turvy, I don't need Stacey's hate in my life.
I'm not the only grandparent that doesn't get to see their grandchild.
I am so thankful Elohim loves me … it is a great comfort.
Stacey is engaging in a revenge scenario; she is driving herself crazy with misguided hate.
Honesty is not Stacey's strong point. And I am not going to let her hate ruin my days anymore.

My lunch arrived – and it tasted as delicious as it looks :-D

Soul Food πŸ˜‰ Black & Bleu Burger; for once Stacey did not make me cry – and I ate without forcing my food down over a lump in my throat ... I am healing.

I’ve lost significant weight over 21 months’ time.

I’ve toned all of my body, all of 2019.

I am wearing clothes that were regulated to the back of the closet and bottom dresser drawer for years because they were too tight … now they are kinda loose (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XD8JfkD9jm8): I don’t think today’s lunch will do that much damage to all the good …

I ate with a clear conscious πŸ˜‰

When I got back home, I took the opportunity of a break between rain showers, to go out and harvest everything that was ripe for the picking:

A small harvest, big in nutrients :-D

And I called a window-washing-gutter-cleaning business and set a time for them to come, estimate; and make an appointment for a November cleaning. Bob was meticulate about making sure the gutters were cleared and in top shape before Fall got too far underway; I’m trying to keep to that regimen – but that moron, inslee, keeps getting in the way of things that need to get done.

I also called another business to get someone to come help me with my printer – the guy will be coming tomorrow to see what needs to be done to get it up and running again. I hope it’s a simple fix he will be able to do, without too much running back and forth between downtown and here to get it running smoothly.

Bob would know what needs to be done; and he’d do it.

I don’t know, so I need to hire someone.

The hired help will be spendy, but worth it for my sanity’s sake – I am tired of asking friends and family that can’t find time to free up time to actually be of any real help to me in my hour of need: these things need hands-on-help … not phone convo guesstimates and no-show frustration.

I’ve had 21 months of black and blue interactions – my heart, my emotions, and my thoughts can’t take any more.

I really, really miss my Mr. Fixit man …

I love you, Babe.

Bob; always my ray of sunshine. 2006

Always ~ OX

Wednesday, September 23, 2020

NEW ATTITUDE

 

It’s hard to get excited about the day when the day isn’t exciting.

2020 is wrapping up in a few months and there has been little to look back on with enthusiasm.

The last 6½ months have had the tails of too many people twisted into a tight knot of fear as they hunkered in their houses, afraid to go out of it … afraid to invite people into it.

2020 taught a lot of people how to be afraid of everything/everyone: and that fear has made them bitter, resentful, and warped with hyped paranoias.

Life in America has become a real-time-reality-show that is worse than the kardashian freak-show that played out every week for 14 years.

I get bored real easy with stupid and aimless nonsense.

I’m not like everybody else: I rebel.

I rebelled because I don’t live my life in fear; and I don’t allow anyone to tell me what to do, how to think, what mindset to adopt, and who’s agenda to get behind: I never have, and I never will.

I rebelled because while I can – and did – turn the kardashian reality show off when the weekly ridiculousness morphed into a weekly toxic psych floor trauma drama … there is little I can do to avoid the toxic psych floor trauma drama playing out in American streets for the past 3½ months. My phone {updates} the newsfeed I apparently cannot delete – it’s a fixed feature of the phone. FB is rife with biased {team} “updates” I do not want, did not okay, and outright reject. And friends/family that watch their boob-tube-noise-box are chomping at the bit to {inform} me of the day’s current ridiculous madness.

Even if I do get away for home, away from the city … and as far away from mainstream life as I can; there is really no way to avoid hearing about any of it at some point, during my day. Waitresses talk back and forth in tone of mock horror when they share their thoughts; and other patrons, sitting in the booth or at the table next to mine, talk loud enough to be overheard clearly.

It is heavy in the air: like an oppressive wafting shroud – waiting to settle on, and ensnare, whoever/whenever.

What the Spring & Summer of 2020 taught me, was that I have to paddle my own canoe if I plan to enjoy my life.

Spring-Summer of 2020 has taught me that life in America is very uncertain.

I have to determine the course I want to take … and make a beeline in that direction.

It appears that covid is going to be the battering ram the demonrats will employ forever, without end; in light of gazillion governor mandates designed to keep people from enjoying life in full on a daily basis, I have to adjust my life; and further simplify my already spartan lifestyle. I’m starting with my hair – I think I’ll just forget about shagging it, and just let it grow out; probably with shaggy ends because I am tired of dealing with hair salon nonsense:

People have been bullied; businesses have been cowed. That is not the American way.
I'll forgo hair salons and get more serious about self-reliance in every area of my life.
Forced to wait in a stifling car due to covid hysteria. This is not the America I know ... or want.

And I’m tired, too, of dealing with every other business that goose-steps to heil inslee …

The dentist office treated me like a criminal. Ridiculousness designed to humiliate.

What is going on in America is not okay.

And the demonrats have stated they have no intention of ending the madness.

Life in America has significantly changed with the 2020 demonrat powergrabs: people will be shut in their houses indefinitely until obamanite demonrat governors’ agendas are forced through, according to party dogma; and businesses will be harassed constantly until the obamanite demonrat dogmatic agendas become “law”. pelosi and schumer will constantly impede and “impeach!”, holding government and The People hostage every month … because they can (they have nothing of value to impeach on; as was proven earlier this year, but they will do it anyway because they have nothing of value to offer America. They are shameless politicholics) – this is the future as well as the present.

I don’t have time for mindless nonsense.

I don’t make time for aimless nonsense.

So, I am pulling back from the ‘mainstream life’ that left me behind, and makes no room for me. I’m starting to set my life up for what works for me. I’m a simple person, living a simple life with a simple lifestyle – in a world that is anything but simple.

I'm setting my life up to work for me, in this America that is no longer free.

2020 has taught me that I need to stand on my own in a world that is breaking down, because no one else will stand with me: fearful people don’t reach out, they don’t talk anymore (they’ve been out of circulation – they have nothing to say: they don’t talk); they shy away, their eyes look haunted – the sound of their own voice makes them jumpy. Fearful people, trying to make sense in a topsy-turvy world, quickly become depressed scampering down aimless rabbit trails.

I’m including churches in that fearful realm too. I can’t fellowship in a church that is run by the government’s mandates, instead of Elohim’s Word:

A new race - intolerant, special treatment and colorblind ... totally against America.
I don't want to fit into that new race - or this new unfolding Anti-America-amerika.
churches have also gone the route of insanity. My life has changed in ALL aspects.
The Church does not get involved in political agendas - at all.

I’m not like everybody else.

I’ve always been my own person.

I’ve always had a healthy sense of individuality; possibly because I’ve been a Christian 75% of my life – my strength lies in my relationship with Elohei.

I am sold totally out to God - THAT'S who I am.  Period.

Life in America – and abroad, since obama’s coup 11 years ago, changed everyone and everything. People are lost in a freak-show world. Thoughtfulness, compassion, creativity, connection … humanity … has fallen by the wayside. The obama years ushered in racism, selfishness, bitterness, destruction, division … and a freefall spiraling into political madness.

I have to distance myself from all that …

I will never apologize for who I am. I will be spending my time continuing to be me.

I can’t afford to be sucked in the global vortex.

I can’t afford to be drafted into the local maelstroms.

In fact, I can’t take on any big stuff right now. My life, right now, is just too complex; my energy is low and the extremities of day to day living run high.

When Bob was still here, I tolerated stupid bullshit better because Bob was my anchor – his peaceful persona grounded me. Now that he’s no longer here, my bullshit meter is mostly in the red zone: I’m not so tolerant of stupid bullshit.

I used to be the woman who had her finger on several different pulses during the course of the day – the woman, too, who had turbo jets on her heels.

Now, I’ve slowed down considerably … and things get done when they get done. I’m lucky anymore if I stay focused on 1 thing throughout the day, and it actually gets done before the day ends.

I’ve learned not to ask more of myself than I can reasonably give to have my days run smoothly.

2020 put an end to optimistic thinking.

Thinking positively, and wishing and hoping, only goes so far when it continually butts up against cold realities. There are different kinds of deaths – and I’ve suffered all of them in 21 short months. I serve myself better if I stop hoping, wishing, and focusing on a different outcome. Some things just never return.

The world I want, no longer exists. I need to adapt a new way to live in the circumstances.

I can create environments that help me step forward and enjoy life in the moment, rather than isolate myself in a comfort zone that hamstrings me and leads to frustrated tension and stress.

I can actively build protected islands of sanity, by being intentional about how I spend my time and energy.

I can live each day as if it is my last day on Earth – with an appreciation of every minute I breathe/see natural beauty/know that I am truly blessed.

I can do this solo lobo, if solo lobo is the only option left.

None of this can be attained without a new attitude (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o7hz27gZTSE).

So, with those thoughts running through my mind, I got dressed and got busy.

I washed the car.

Car cleaned up as smooth as glass ... no more ash.

I cut the corn stalks down; and chopped them down to a size that works for the garbage can.

And I watched a brownish-orange butterfly, when I took a break in the breezeway-carport.

Nice day; brownish butterfly. Possible Northern Crescent Butterfly.

And I prepared to make more snowflakes for my windows this Winter πŸ˜‰ I like snowflakes … I am a snowbaby.

Started 2nd round of snowflakes.
Snowflake pieces cut out, felt pen ink washed away, and set to drying ... 

2019 taught me to survive.

2020 taught me to grow and thrive.

2021 is an unwritten chapter – and everything is in play.

With a new attitude πŸ˜‰