Saturday, August 17, 2019


I was married when I was 17.

I was co-partner in raising Bob's 5 yo son by a previous marriage.

I was pregnant myself, by the time my 18th birthday rolled around.

I was juggling marriage, a stepson, a pregnancy, and school ... as well as maintaining a household - with all that entailed.

I didn't have time to go to the movies: and even if I did, the big screen gave me vertigo. Even then.

I attempted to watch movies on TV; but juggling a marriage, a stepson, a pregnancy, school, and maintaining a household; kinda cut into that time.

I had caught bits and pieces of "Easy Rider" in between what needed to be done in real life: usually laundry needed to be done when TV decided to run "Easy Rider" ... so I never got past the commune scene with Karen Black.


The ending of the movie was always a mystery to me.

Until about 10 years ago, when it came on TV late one evening while Bob was working.

I popped some popcorn and DETERMINED to see the darned thing THROUGH TO THE END.

I nearly choked on my popcorn.

And when Bob came home, I told him, "I finally saw the end of 'Easy Rider' - the whole movie is about drug smugglers!"

Bob burst out laughing.

He already knew that.

But, he also knew that I didn't know that because my life had been too busy to ever catch the end of the movie.

I never watched the movie again.

I come from a family with a drug involved background - and though, I, personally, NEVER supported my family in that regard - I was always stigmatized.

Bob knew I hated drugs: I don't use ANY drugs at all - not even prescribed drugs.

Bob knew I always watched that movie simply because Peter was in it.

And he knew, that because of the ending, that movie ... even with Peter as eye candy ... would never be watched in our home again.

Easy Rider would be permanently stopped in it’s tracks as far as I was concerned.

The counter-culture of the 1960's never appealed to me.



Last night, before turning in, I checked the 'News' feature of Bob's phone ... and gasped out loud when I saw the headlines announcing Peter Fonda's death.

Then I laughed - because I KNEW BOB WOULD BE LAUGHING and rolling his eyes - when he heard me gasp - if he were still here with me ;-)

Bob didn't particularly like any of the Fonda's - other than Peter's father, Henry Fonda.

I watched EVERY SINGLE MOVIE any of the Fonda's put out ... especially Peter's: some I didn't like at all, some I tolerated, and some I actually enjoyed. But, generally, I just watched them to watch Peter. LOL

That said, I do not believe Jane's assertion that "Peter left laughing."

Peter was pretty bitter the past 2 years. So bitter, in fact, that he openly attacked and belittled Barron Trump - simply because he loathed Donald J. Trump; and couldn't stand the fact that Donald Trump is NOW  our President.

I do not believe Peter left Earth laughing.

Unless, even on his deathbed, he was toking a joint.

Just sayin'

I'd like to add an R.I.P.; but as with Tim Petty - who I also enjoyed - I do not believe "rest in peace" would be appropriate given the angst stirred up before either stepped off this planet ...

And that is truly too bad, because both had so much to offer; and chose instead to become bitter over issues, that in the grand scheme of things, MEAN NOTHING.

Friday, August 16, 2019


Bob & I were 2 wounded souls when we met.

Floating through time on a raft called life.

Then we bumped into each other ...

And hope was sparked.

We dared to dream.

We tempted fate.

We fell in love.

And we decided to forge a life together.

Making love out of nothing at all.

What a wonderful life it was!

Thank God for that unexpected bump that sparked hope; and led to 44 years of a life we never imagined.

Until it happened.


I normally do NOT like scat music … but I DO like this song ;-)

It speaks to me, in this … my new life.

Bob gave me the confidence I need to face this new life, that is now mine.

And Elohei gives me the strength to move forward with the confidence my husband – the man Yeshua blessed me with – built up in me.

While I move forward, I will feel wrapped in the love of BOTH of them built up in me, as I feel their arms ready to catch me – and right me again – should I stumble.

“This old world is a new world: a bold world for me. It’s a new dawn – it’s a new day – it’s a new life for me: and I’m feeling good.”


Birds flying high, you know how I feel; Sun in the sky, you know how I feel; Breeze driftin' on by, you know how I feel


It's a new dawn - It's a new day: It's a new life for me, yeah - It's a new dawn - It's a new day - It's a new life for me, ooh: And I'm feeling good

[Verse 1]

Fish in the sea, you know how I feel; River running free, you know how I feel; Blossom on the tree, you know how I feel


It's a new dawn - It's a new day - It's a new life for me: And I'm feeling good

[Verse 2]

Dragonfly out in the sun, you know what I mean, don't you know? Butterflies all havin' fun, you know what I mean; Sleep in peace when the day is done, that's what I mean; And this old world is a new world: And a bold world, for me

[Verse 3]
Stars when you shine, you know how I feel; Scent of the pine, you know how I feel; Oh, freedom is mine; And I know how I feel


It's a new dawn - It's a new day - It's a new life for me: And I'm feeling good


Last night I went to fellowship – I almost didn’t go – and found my purpose there.

I skipped last week because it was a week of missing Bob and I didn’t feel I would have been up to being around so many people when I was an emotional wreck. That said … last night I did go. And Elohim answered one of my prayers.

Dahlia’s sent home with me last night, after fellowship: so far, my lungs have not been thrown into respiratory distress ...

I have been praying that Elohim would use me where He could use me to honor him and help comfort someone else going through a wilderness journey.

Last night, I met a young woman (still a girl, actually), who is dealing with an aggressive type of cancer. She has no family here at all, except the Body of Believer’s that meet together with her … and of which, I am now a part, also. As the treatments progress, and as the cancer progresses, she will be facing the valley of the shadow of death: NO ONE SHOULD GO THROUGH THAT ALONE. I was asked – and I agreed – to be with her when the time comes that she will not want to be alone.

I can do that.

I am alone now.

I have LOTS OF TIME on my hands; in which I am doing nothing in particular.

I have been asking Elohim to find something for me to do … that would be productive.

I feel THIS situation with Kira is an answer to my prayerful request.

So, today after I finished up the slipper order I had received weeks ago …

Slippers finished up and will be ready for sending off as soon as the no-slip bottoms dry thoroughly.

… I will be getting busy on a shoulder wrap for Kira: and if there is enough yarn leftover, I will make her a matching beanie:

Forgive my sloppy appearance - when I am just going to be sitting around in-house, I usually slip into one of Bob's tee-shirts: they are big & roomy, and I feel wrapped in something that touched his body; it helps. Plus, I can work unconstrained - women's shirts are not very comfortable. MPO

The gray clouds are back – hiding blue skies I think are lurking behind the constant low-lying grayness. It is nippy here this morning.

My poor garden has given up – there will be NO corn this year – none/nada. Whether the Spaghetti Squash that is on the vine actually matures, is debatable at this point.

So, today, I will be very low-key; moving in slo-mo, starting work on a shawl for Kira, watching old black-n-whites on Youtube while I crochet … and moving towards the Sabbath’s Rest ;-)

I do not adhere to orthodox constraints, BUT I DO LIKE the 24-hour peacefulness of time I set aside every Friday sundown to Saturday sundown, just to focus on Elohei’s goodness/faithfulness, relax, breathe deeply, and just {be}.


Thursday, August 15, 2019


It started out simple, that night of April 19th, 1974.
We were both free agents, out for a good time ... neither one of us looking for a permanent arrangement when Bob made that phone call to say, “I’d really like to see you tonight ..."
I had fallen in love with Bob 7 years earlier, when I was 10 years old, and had finally got to know him face to face 2 weeks earlier at his house - where my boyfriend at the time, was renting a room: Doug inadvertently threw Bob & I together (; but I didn’t want to jinx our time together by wishing upon a star; and he was dealing with betrayal and the severing of a marriage: the very thought of ((((love)))) was something we both were sidestepping.
We started spending time together: "no strings", was the mindset.
A month later it got complicated.
The more time we spent together made us realize we were hopelessly in love with each other.
Love was blossoming and it was recklessly taking root.
We danced around the "L Word" ... Bob was still legally married, though he and Gloria had not lived together as man and wife since November 1973.
A divorce was in progress, but Bob was not yet, "legally free".
By the first week of July, Bob WAS free; and we openly spoke the L Word.
We were married the end of August.
And though Bob never changed my life too much - he DID CHANGE it in all the ways that mattered: he loved me wholly, without reservation, and without slipping a constraining leash on me.
And because he allowed me to be free, I restrained myself in the areas that I knew needed curbed to keep our marriage on track; and to have Bob's back.
Because he never demanded ... I gladly submitted.
Bob wore mighty big shoes.
I am in no hurry to slip someone else's feet into them - there will NEVER BE another Bob.


This month – 14 days from today – will be the 1st year anniversary of that horrible day that led to the ER visit … that led to my husband’s physical death December 14th, 2018.
It is difficult.
One of his killers are still in the Park. I can’t escape seeing her – she has ingrained herself into EVERY event happening here; which means that I leave the Park to find entertainment opportunities, and socialization engagements. I don’t want to be around her, if I don’t have to be.
I have spread my wings since march 2019, and have learned to go to places we used to go – and to new places we have never gone together.
I revisit {our} places, because I don’t want to forget those memories; and I must come to terms with being comfortable in them: they are unavoidable, as they are local, and I do not want to relocate.
I go to new places because I like adventure … and Bob would want me to get on with living until I join him in that celestial city beyond the clouds; later on.
But, no matter how busy I keep myself – or how often I get out of the house – or how many times I engage in solo activities … I STILL COME BACK TO A HOME HE NO LONGER LIVES IN: He will never walk through that door with me; he will never inhabit any of the rooms of our home, or our bed again.
THAT I cannot escape/change/or manipulate.
People telling me to do what I am already DOING is not helpful.
And it changes nothing.
At some point, I pray, that I can live fully … without being dragged BACK to December 14th, 2018.