DÉJÀ VU

Thoughts of Bob followed me all day long.

First thing I did this morning was go out and check my garden boxes for dry soil (they can all wait another day or two), deadhead, glean, and hand-pollinate. Everything is right on schedule and doing good 😉

Thoughts of Bob were with me in the garden area: Bob built the garden boxes for me; Bob built the rain barrel stands, for me; Bob helped me repot the apple trees - Bob's imprint on my life is everywhere.

I am really happy with the apples this year; they are a becoming a nice, full size. Just right for pies :-D

Green zucchini on the vines.

Celery shooting up; Butternut squash spreading.

Spaghetti squash setting squash, and climbing the trellis that used to have peas climbing up it.

I gleaned some more Mascara Lettuce and a few more Blueberries.

The corn is doing very well this year: 6 feet tall!

CORN SILK! Corn is setting :-D

Yellow zucchini on the vines.

Tomatoes setting and ripening.

Fennel bulbs are plumping up.

All 4 rain barrels are filled to the brim. That makes me happy :-D

The original plan after tending to the garden area, was to go for a morning hike on 48^th. BUT, when I got into the car and turned the ignition on, KUKN Country was talking about the garage sales again out Lexington & Headquarters Road way … so, I went that way :-D

Change of plans …

Thoughts of Bob were with me as I walked the Garage Sales.

We had bought our 2^nd local area home in Lexington; it was a good area to purchase in, and it served its purpose for several years after Bob retired. We worked side-by-side to completely overhaul it … we painted ALL the rooms to suit our tastes; we pulled up the old stained carpet and had new laminated wood floors laid; we replaced the woodstove; and Bob revealed carpentry skills I didn’t even know he had (he reframed ALL the doorways and hung new doors, replaced ALL the room moldings – base wood, doors & windows, painted the front porch/steps and the back deck, and designed and built me 6 roomy raised garden beds). We totally remodeled the kitchen. Bob had told me he helped his dad to build the house he lived in in Cathlamet when his Dad, Mom & younger siblings moved to Toutle his Senior year, but I had NO IDEA what an excellent carpenter he was! Bob never did anything half-assed: whatever he did, he excelled at. When we sold, to move here, we sold for triple what we had bought for – and bought the house I live in solo lobo now, with a third of the sale money … remodeling this house with the remaining sale monies. We always bought small, built up with my ability to spend Bob’s money wisely (we did all the labor, I only spent monies for what we could not do ourselves), and sold large: Bob liked that frugal ability of mine. He knew his income was safe with me because I always increased it.

The kids don’t know what they are talking about when they hatefully say I spent Bob’s money willy-nilly: Bob trusted me with his money, and we went over the budget together – ANY MONEY SPENT WAS A JOINT DEAL; and both of us knew how it was spent. I never gave Bob any reason to distrust me – at any time/with anything. Bob’s mother was always bitching about how the other 2 DIL’s were “bankrupting” her other sons, and I said to Bob, “Your mother will never say that about me because I will never give her a reason to say that about me.” I was shocked (1) that rose would dare to say that about her DIL’s (2) that her other sons would allow her to say that about their wives. I never touched Bob’s wallet except when he told me to get some money for him … and then, I always brought it to him, and said, “You get it out – I meant what I said: your mother will never accuse me of stealing your money. My fingers will never probe your wallet.”

Every payday, we sat at the kitchen table together and worked over the budget, paying each bill together. The last time I touched his wallet, was after his physical body died and I was collecting his personal effects after becoming a widow. I still have his wallet in my purse – it comforts me to see it next to mine. I am getting Bob’s Social Security allotment each month because that is what Bob told me to do: he had it set up that way days after we married – it is not a fortune, but Elohim is faithful to stretch it for my monthly needs with a few $$$ for frugal weekly daytrips Bob would want me to take, as we always had; I am still paying the same bills … and I miss Bob sitting next to me, going over the budget and helping me dole out the money he worked for, all his life. I miss Bob not being with me on daytrips; or garage sale trips.

Bob wasn’t really interested in garage sales when we first married, but he went with me because I liked to go to them. Eventually he started looking for tools that couldn’t be found anywhere but at garage sales (stores no longer sold them). And when I decided to have a sale at our homes, he was the guy with the cash box because he was better at making fast change than I am: he was a fast thinker and a human calculator. He even helped me set up the tables and price items – it became a mathematical game to him. Bob got a bang out of watching me sell our second-hand items at a good price; he would shake his head and grin when I’d get more than he thought it would sell for – he used to tease me and say I had ‘the Midas touch’. And he liked the interaction with customers: Bob was a social butterfly, he liked chatting with people, and people were comfortable with him – he was a people person.

His mother – and his children – can kiss my ass. None of them have ‘a right’ to say one way or the other how Bob and I spent our life/OUR money together. They have no right to assume how I am spending it now.

Nada – zip.

Yeah, I am still irked with them all.

I loved Bob from the moment I saw him; and Bob loved me from the moment we met, until the moment he stepped off this planet – Bob trusted me with every material thing he had; and placed it all in my hands the day after we married. I was scared to be responsible for his paycheck and shoved the checkbook back at him, saying I didn’t want the responsibility; but Bob laughed and said he trusted me. I was 17, and he trusted me with our whole life. I loved Bob; I learned how to run our home within the restrictions of the monthly budget – the frugal restrictions (((I))) set to fit his paycheck and to give us a good life that wasn’t slave to debt. I was a good wife to Bob – anything Bob trusted me with, I increased … love, a life, money, children, food, home. Bob loved me, and he appreciated that I was trustworthy/frugal/and productive; he gave me a good life because he could trust me with that good life: I returned that love, and honored him by helping him to increase the good life we enjoyed together.

We had a good life for 44 years: Lexington was part of that.

Going back there today was not easy, but I knew I had to get over that hurdle; so, I went to the garage sales on the streets we used to walk – the only space available for parking was directly across from our old house there: I deliberately avoided that sale; I couldn’t have done it without remembering the love that was sheltered there; and breaking down. I only walked 1½ miles this afternoon because my heart couldn’t take any more ‘familiar territory’. I got some good deals, Elohim blessed me by answering my prayers on several ‘finds’ … but I had to leave without finishing the whole loop. Maybe next year, my heart will be stronger.

Lexington was hopping today.

Every street was packed with cars and wandering pedestrians.

New additions to the neighborhood was this house, and an apartment complex going up on another back street. We've only been gone from Lexington since June 2017.

LOVE THIS STREET! Pro-America - that's a good thing :-D

A cone shaped hydrangea.

A weird shaped apple tree.

1-6.5 miles - would easily have been 3+ miles if I'd done all the streets.

I couldn’t remember how Bob drove us to Headquarters Road, so I called Bob’s sister, Merry, and asked; it was simple to get to, but we hadn’t been there in quite awhile and my memory was a bit rusty 😉 I had to do a little freeway driving – which was not the way we went (Bob always drove the backroads because I like country roads), but I wasn’t on the freeway for more than 5 minutes before I turned onto the overpass access - so I didn't have time to get frazzled on the freeway; thank Elohim! Freeway driving really stresses me; there's just too much going on at the same time.

Every garage sale marker was off the main roadway … and they were ALL gravel mountain roads: e.v.e.r.y.o.n.e.o.f.t.h.e.m. At this sale, I bought an armload of books – the bulk of them telling the story of the Boyeln sisters (Mary & Anne) that led to the birth of Queen Elizabeth I:

I am a sucker for anything Anne Boyeln & Queen Elizabeth I. I am a strong woman; so, I like reading about other strong women 😉

Back on the main roadway again, I was surprised that it didn’t go all the way through: it used to. I don’t know when it was closed to through traffic, but suddenly there was a gate across the road – maybe that’s why Bob hadn’t taken me there in quite a while …

Headquarters Road is a gated dead-end.

It was time to call it a day and head the car towards home.

I was glad I went. And on my way back home memory kicked in and I recognized landmarks on the backroads all the way back to the Lexington Bridge. I know now know how Bob drove us there. I’ll never have to touch the freeway at all 😉

And another memory kicked in too: that memory was so vivid and so emotional, it made me pull off the road to have a cry. At one point just before the Ostrander Store, déjà vu hit, and I could feel Bob with me – my mind’s eye could see a younger version of him driving that stretch of road: the clothes he wore, the way he sat, the cigarette between his lips as he shifted gears in the old ’56 Ford, the way his hands were on the steering wheel, the way he turned his head to grin at me and pat the bench seat beside him in a “scoot over here, honey” way he always did.

I almost couldn’t breathe.

Tears stung my eyes because I knew he wasn’t really there – the road was still there … but Bob was not.

It was just déjà vu tripping my emotions.

Thoughts of Bob were running down my face in hot, scalding tears.

So, I passed the Ostrander Store and pulled over in a wide turnout as soon as I could until the tears stopped:

Lexington Bridge Drive from Headquarters Road - 12 mins.

The déjà vu moment was like time had rolled back: it felt like I was reliving that past era, in that particular part of the backroad. All in a 12 minute span of time.

N Pacific Ave as it crosses Lexington Drive Bridge.

Heron Pointe from Lexington Bridge Drive - 17 mins

I was happy to get home.

And I was pretty pleased with my haul when I got it all inside – the shovel and screen in the shed, and the rest in the house :-D Most of what I came home with, I prayed to be able to find …

Bread pans, books, a bird house, wicker paper plate holders – the rest was just bonus finds 😉 I really scored with the picnic basket. Most things were 25 to 50 cents; nothing over $3 (birdhouse & picninc basket). I am vey frugal - I make my pennies scream for mercy.

Winter theme rustic birdhouse. I clipped the hanging wire off; it's decorative, not weather resilient.

I bought this book because of the title – I almost laughed out loud when I saw it, because I can identify with the title.

Bob turned me onto the Clive Cussler novels. I prayed I'd find some ... direct answer to a specific request.

This coffee mug called out to me; so, I bought it.

The mug’s message fits my life right now ... the 2 little covered casserole dishes are the perfect size for meal for 1.

These nice sets of silverware came with the picnic basket – inside the pocketed placemats; I didn't know they were part of the deal until I removed te basket liner and placemets for washing. Have I already mentioned that I really scored on the picnic basket?

As soon as I saw this little shovel, I snapped it up: It's a perfect too to use it in the garden boxes Bob designed and built for me to garden in.

I snagged this free screen to use over my Spring garden transplants while they are setting root and getting established.

I was glad I had this cart today. Our granddaughter, Alyna, saw it one year in a knockoff store we were at, and talked me into buying it; about 18 years ago 😉 It gets used a lot when garage sales are in full play.

Today was an exciting day in the veggie garden.

Today was a blessed day at the garage sales.

Today was a day of memory jogging.

Today was an emotional day.

Today was also a day of growth and moving forward progress.

I am thankful for the whole day – from start to finish. I don’t mind thoughts of Bob bursting into my day. Bob was a huge part of my life – Bob will always be a part of my life. It is only right that he should share a portion of my thoughts while I live the life he made for me.

And maybe someday I will be able to think of my husband without breaking out in tears of missingness.