Just East of Eden : 09/04/20

Friday, September 4, 2020

WORRIES: BANISHED ~ Shabbat Shalom

2020 is almost gone.

There are only 118 days left – 12 more days than Bob had to live out in 2018.

A LOT has changed in my life these 20 months/21 days/11 hours and 48 seconds.

I wasn’t planning on it, but I just spent 65 days (2 full months & 3 days) truly being myself.

I didn’t care about pleasing anyone.

Not even one.

I did whatever I wanted to do … whenever and wherever.

I said whatever was on my mind.

I was myself 100%.

Full on.

100%

It has been a loooooong time since I’ve been this in touch with myself. It feels good!

No more unwarranted and burdensome guilt thrust on my shoulders from either kid (Bob’s son, or our daughter); no more worries about what anyone may be thinking about me (mother-in-law or spoiled rotten brother-in-law).

Now that Bob is no longer here, I really don’t care anymore: I only ever cared for Bob’s sake: to keep our over-crowded canoe filled with judgmental, self-important people from tipping over.

And now that Bob is no longer here, they vacated the canoe and have taken a hike with their noses in the air.

After they all left, I realized that it took a lot out of me.

I went from suffocating to breathing easy.

I went from slouching to standing tall.

My feet no longer dragged; they danced.

I went from wearing a hangdog look to smiling broadly – I even heard myself laugh.

The exhilaration of being myself is actually making me giddy.

Oh, my Lord!

I had been living for 45¾ years with the shades on the windows of my life pulled down in hopes of cutting down on stressors – better to ignore the glaring slights.

When our daughter kicked me out of her life and slammed the door for good – 65 days ago … I threw all those room darkening shades up and let life-giving sunshine flood my soul.

Can you guess what the sunshine did?

It flooded the corners of my life and banished all those meaningless worries 😊

Since July 1^st, I’ve been too busy expressing myself to worry about how my expressions were landing on others.

I forgot to judge myself through someone else’s view of me.

I ignored the barbs of the kids’ {truths} to started living actual truths based in reality.

I spent my days living in freedom.

I could open my mouth without being told, “You do NOT get to speak!”

My dancing feet flew from one open window to the next.

They even eagerly crossed open-door-thresholds.

I embraced life in blooming color.

I felt alive: gloriously tired, but alive.

I reviewed my life in retrospect.

From December 14^th, 2018 to July 1^st, 2020, I had been trying to hang onto a life that eliminated me decades ago.

I’ve never been afraid to be alone; but I held out hope of some semblance of a relationship with our daughter – now it’s time to let go: she let go a long time ago.

Since May of 1975 I have struggled to stay afloat in a life where only Bob made room for me.

Because we loved each other and family was important to Bob, I learned to mute my voice towards the overbearing mother-in-law who was very vocal about the dislike for me; and bitter brother-in-law who went out of his way to alienate Bob from his father.

I went the extra mile for the stepson who couldn’t care less if I was dead or alive.

I pretended the poisoned darts shot at me by our daughter didn’t sting.

I slowly and deliberately, over the 44 years of our marriage, drew the shades down over the windows of my life – shutting the hostilities out.

I sucked a LOT UP.

For Bob’s sake.

Family was important to Bob – and Bob was important to me.

And in all fairness, Bob DID place me first in his life; and DID tell his mother, brother, son, and daughter to respect me as his wife, and Stacey’s mother: but he could not control them.

Now, Bob is no longer here.

And I no longer matter to the aforementioned people.

I’m not even a whisper of a ghost in their thoughts.

It’s so easy to move forward.

Opening as many windows as possible.

Leaping over as many thresholds as possible.

And anyone who is still looking for the half person I used to be … is not for me in my ‘becoming’ metamorphosis.

I am willing to shed dead-end relationships.

I’m back to walking away without a backward glance.

I can – and do – walk away from people who don’t want me in their life.

I don’t share my ‘becoming’ of myself with anyone who doesn’t deserve me.

I don’t waste my time anymore.

Time is suddenly too precious to waste.

Like before Bob was in my life, I now pull back immediately if I feel anyone disapproves of me as a whole.

I believe in second chances, but I will no longer give 16,060 chances.

I can’t risk having to pull shades on the windows of my life again.

I can’t risk hesitation on crossing thresholds again.

I intend to honor my husband by living my life fully: in living color, unapologetic, and in the fullest version I can … for as long as Elohim grants me life.