I AM MOVING ~ THIS TIME SOLO

I took a major step into the future this afternoon.

As I mentioned the other day, the kids want me to move closer to them ...

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/10/id-like-to-see-life-in-color-again.html)

… and though I have been procrastinating because I wanted to honor Bob in his request to “keep the house”, I really have been thinking about moving since last November; and talked openly with Bob about a possible move at some point. I truthfully have tried to live here, on my own, picking up our life where Ron and Candy killed it – but it just has not worked out.

Bob, on his deathbed told me to keep the house. His killers still live in the Park here - it is HARD to keep the house when I see them everywhere I turn: I can't even pop in at Baker's Corner for a coke without standing in line behind Ron; his stupid girlfriend works there as cashier: Ron killed his wife with his selfishness 3 weeks before he killed my husband with his continual bitching. Ron killed Bob with his ridiculous and baseless paranoias; and his life goes on while he effectively murdered mine. It is HARD not to hate. I struggle every day to work past it; so far, I am winning the battle. But it drains me. And I can't deal with Candy at all. I HAVE forgiven them both (have to - I want to see Bob in Heaven!), but knowing they are still in residence here really works my nerves. I couldn’t even enjoy gardening this year … and I love gardening. But being here, trying to survive in a place where insanity rules and ego kills has ruined my enjoyment this year. And I honestly do not think the atmosphere around here with Candy Scott as Park manager is going to get any better. The woman is insufferable.

So, this morning, before I could talk myself out of it: I grabbed the phone and texted Shay, our Realtor. She got back to me and said she could come by later on; pros/cons will be formulated, and decisions will be made after careful and fervent prayer. I needed to be wise. I needed to think like Bob would - I NEEDED a man's brain (!) so I would make a knowledgeable decision: my entire life moving forward will rest on this decision.

The last time I picked up and moved to another State was 53 years ago when I came here to Washington with my mother and siblings from Minnesota. I built a life here in this State with Bob, the love of my life since I laid eyes on him in 1967, and married him in 1974. Moving to Oregon will be a major step out of my comfort zone.

I will be leaving a LOT behind: my entire life. The life Bob gave me - the things he designed and built specifically for me; the home here he totally rebuilt specifically for me.

It is a scary step forward: Bob is not here to bounce thoughts back and forth with.

I admit, during the long wait, I was getting anxious.

Finally, she arrived. And all the anxiety fell off – Shay’s visits always do that for me. She is a good girl and pleasant to be around. Bob and I loved her like a daughter, and she has treated me as a daughter would since I became a widow. She loves me. And I love her. I am going to miss her a lot.

We visited while she showed me the assessment she had done up for me, ran some numbers, and I was pleased with the outcome; she predicts a very GOOD selling price IF I place it on the market now. She would like to have the place listed and sold before Thanksgiving. So, I made the decision to put the house on the market as soon as I get back from down south: that is how it works for me – once my mind is decided to do something, I move full steam ahead. Shay thinks the house will go for the asking price without a haggle, and maybe – HOPEFULLY – there will be more than 1 person interested in buying, and a bidding war will ensue, which will result in a boost in the end sale price: I HOPE SO! I can use every extra penny I can get. But, the original sale price is pretty nice too.

I trust Elohim to provide for me exactly what I need to establish a new life in a new State: HE KNOWS exactly what I need.

I trust Elohim to keep Candy out of the way while this sale goes through.

I trust Shay to bring the money in and get this thing done to everyone’s satisfaction.

Neither Elohim, nor Shay, has failed me yet :-D

She asked me what made me finally decide to sell, and I told her that I miss the kids and they have been pressing me to move closer to them. Bob wanted his death to bring family healing into being - they are reaching out. This house is no longer “our home”. All I do is cry. It is time.

She knows I have tried valiantly to keep the house; we have spoken many times since I became a widow last December. She knows how I have struggled to honor Bob’s deathbed wish for me to keep the house with Bob’s killers still living in the Park here.

I cried when I told her that I have lived in this house longer than Bob did: 1/3 of Bob's time the first year was spent in a hotel room (with me) waiting for remodeling to wind up. 1/3 of Bob's time last year was spent in hospital rooms (with me) in 2 states. Out of the 28 months of home-ownership, I have spent most of that time in this house alone: without Bob.

It's so unfair ...

This was our last hurrah. It looked so innocent. We never saw the future bearing down on us, where Ron Cook and Candy Scott would T-bone us like bats out of hell; derailing our life, and murdering our happiness. Just because they could. Without a conscience between the both of them.

Shay cried with me. She loved Bob. She knows I have been through hell.

I will be going to spend October 30th thru November 3rd with the kids, and they will be taking me around to see possible new homes. I need to be armed with information, so I make a wise decision.

The kids want me to consider a Retirement Home Community – I AM NOT READY FOR THAT! I am not ready to be “old” yet. I am not ready to be told “lights out at 10 p.m.” if I want to watch a movie or listen to Molly Hatchet until 4 a.m. I am not ready to give up on an active life yet …

So, when I spoke to the kids after Shay left, they suggested the possibility of a 1-bedroom Studio, or a Condo. I said I would be open to those options if I could get a ground floor living arrangement with no carpet. They said the no carpet requirement would be dicey, but they will scout it out on their end to see what’s out there in my price range with a comfortable wiggle room, and maybe Shay could network on this end too. I texted Shay, and she said that yes … she definitely can network with Realtors there, and will do what she can to make this happen and stay within my monthly budget :-D

I will be securing a new home before I return back home from my visit with the kids.

I will be doing this thing solo … it is a MAJOR DEAL.

I will be taking Bob's love with me.

I informed Bob's sister, Merry, that I will be moving.

I informed my sister, Carla, that I will be moving.

I will inform Kerry tomorrow - and ask him to come sort through some of Bob's man stuff to see what he wants: I will only take a few tools with me; and the tool box for Liam.

And I will need to inform Cheryl & Pam about my immanent move. I will MISS these 2. I will need to figure out the backroads from there back to here to meet with them occasionally. I also will want to make periodic visits to Eden Valley too.

HELP ME YESHUA.

GRIEF BREAKS

Reading this chapter in the Grief~Share ‘Loss of A Spouse’ Booklet  …

… made me realize that I have been taking grief breaks for a few months now – I wasn’t aware that was what I was doing; but it is nice to know that I am “on target” with this journey ;-)

Grief never goes away: it changes, but it never goes away. Sometimes we just need to distance ourselves from it, and refuel or recharge: this grief journey I find myself on can really get me down and bum me out if I’m not careful in how I manage it.

And grief is very tiring too!

Grief-focused journaling is a way to explore & express the thoughts and feelings you find yourself dealing with; things that need to get worked out …. things you are grappling with and can’t/won’t/don’t talk about with anyone. Things that are hard to express until you start untangling them and putting them into words on paper. Journaling involves more than writing words out though. Journaling is a mental, emotional, and spiritual thing; it builds mental and emotional “muscle” while honing the spiritual aspect of this widowing journey. Journaling enables us widows to deal with life’s difficulties and uncertainties as we find ourselves delving into untapped strengths as we peek into our psyche and bring that consciousness out of ourselves and into the light of day. To be examined and put into healing action. Journaling helps us make peace with our deepest sorrow, and discover a new sense of purpose & meaning of life.

Journaling can also involve reminiscing over old photographs and recent smart phone videos. Journaling helps us in our emotional explorations as we trip through the journey of our minds, forming a writing style that gives way to fluid free self-expression as we lay bare our lives; in writing down our thoughts & feelings ‘in the moment”, seeing our thoughts and feeling come to life before our eyes forces us to slow down and pay careful attention to everything that has; or is, affecting our lives.

Journaling helps us open our mind beyond the scope of basic writing to make the act of writing a creative form of artistic expression that is very liberating and very healing. Journaling is, in a sense, opening a window to the soul.

And when that window opens … healing begins.

Journaling helps widows de-stress by bringing all those emotions to the surface to be looked at, felt, and dealt with – as through the written expression we begin to work through our issues rather than avoid them.

And every once in a while, you need to break free from emotional journeys of the mind, and the spiritual aspect of opening the window of the soul.

Sometimes, you need a brief grief break.

These breaks can include – but are not cast in stone:

* Plan something you enjoy each day. Set aside a time to read a good book; watch a favorite sitcom’ treat yourself to a sweet you don’t normally indulge in; immerse yourself for an hour or two in a hobby that gives you peace of mind and pleasure to be doing.

Since these activities are times for personal nurturing, don’t plan group activities for this span of time you set aside to take a break.

* Plan “mini-vacas” that do not take a lot of time or money to enjoy; but that help you reconnect with life. You may choose activities that you can enjoy alone – or with a friend/friends. For example, you could get a haircut/try a new hair style; get a manicure/pedicure; go for a drive to explore an unfamiliar area; spend a night at a B & B; go to a museum or sporting event; go hiking or biking; walk a County Park … or whatever pleases you and relaxes you.

Whatever you decide to do on your grief break, be aware that there may arise emotional triggers that may lead to crying: THAT IS OKAY.

Cry it out. Dry the tears. Face the fears. Find laughter in the moment, And be thankful that you had a past that made you cry, and be thankful that you have a future to look forward to that all those tears are preparing you for ;-)

You got this!

Widowhood is not a journey we can get around, climb over, slide under, or wish away.

Widowhood is a journey that we cannot escape.

Widowhood can break us … or make us.

The choice is up to us.

MAKE THAT GRIEF BREAK WORK FOR YOU.