Since
Christmas, I’ve been having trouble getting to sleep once I fall into bed.
There’s a
lot going on in my mind: every stinking 3 AM.
I even
got up and made a mug of cocoa (a double); cocoa always puts me out …
not so much, lately.
It’s hard
to start a fresh new life; it’s hard to walk into a new life empty – I’m not
taking anything from my old life into my new life, except me (and of course,
the house & car). Everything else is up for grabs.
Which is
keeping my thoughts busy one-upping each other.
I’m not deliberately
thinking on anything when I go to bed … but I can’t sleep. And I know it’s
because my mind is not stopping – it’s just continuing on against my will.
I can’t wait
for the friendship thing to get underway, so we can both get some sleep 😉
Meanwhile,
since the friendship wishing on both ends are keeping me awake, random
thoughts take advantage of the situation and take the night/wee morning hours
captive: ‘what do I want to do with my new life?’; ‘what
direction do I want my new life to go?’; ‘what interests me, now, that I
am solo lobo?’; ‘what do I want to put energy into pursuing, now that my
life is devoid of husband and family?’; ‘what opportunities and
possibilities do I want to entertain as my new life gets underway in 2021?’
It’s a
lot running through my mind! And I am not consciously
thinking of any of it. And I know why I can’t sleep … I just can’t rein the
thoughts in: my mind refuses to cooperate with my need for sleep.
My subconscious is keeping me awake.
And there
seems to be no resolution in my waking hours either: there is still no actual
human contact (people are still holed up in their houses, scared to meet
people), and online sources for some sort of contact is getting just as
sketchy.
I had joined
several Widow Groups over the months: for interaction, workable ideas that
would help me adjust to widowhood, sharing of information that is mutually
beneficial, ect.; instead, since the politically motivated lockdowns, the people in these
groups have become snarky, self-centered, judgmental, and confrontational. I
understand that they are feeling cooped-up, scared, and lonely. I get that.
But going on the attack is not going to help the situation.
Add to
that … that the focus in all of the Widow Groups, is now into “finding Chapter
2”.
Like, that’s all that really
matters in life.
For some,
I guess it is. Some don’t seem to like their dead husbands very much (they
were in abusive or unsatisfactory marriages) and they want to experiment with
new men: these are not necessarily young widows – most are my age, or older. I
get it.
What I don’t
‘get’ is their need to brow-beat others into trying out online dating sites …
as if that is all we should all be focused on. I am not interested in any of
that.
My
outlook is the same it has been for 46 years: if you
look for ‘friendship’ or ‘true love’ in a bar, hook up at underground
watering-holes for a walk on the wild side, and put yourself on the menu at
meat-market/matching dating sites … you will continually draw losers; and be
greatly disappointed.
That
venue does not interest me (it never has), the offerings are bottom of
the line, and I don’t need the trauma drama involved. Some women may get off
on that, but not me. I know my value, and I enjoy a peaceful life.
Some
widows are young or middle-aged, and are running scared thinking no one will
want them as a ‘package deal, with kids’ – and they are scared they are looking
at growing old alone. I get that, too.
But I
also know there are men (who are real men, not overgrown petulant/perpetual
teenagers) that will not bulk at a package deal, and will make a place for
another man’s kids in his life if he truly loves their mother: and he will not
abuse her children, in any way. This type of men, will not push for sex – as if
it’s owed for paying attention to them, or taking them out to a restaurant; and
they will treat women with respect and gentling care.
Some are
widows due to violent death, or suicide, of their spouses; they are angry, and
scared. Some have young children – some do not. They are desperate to prove
they still have value … and are angry they have been left with love that has
nowhere to go.
I’ve
never been in this type of situation – I can’t identify; on any level. So, I
generally skip past those posts: not because I am an uncaring bitch; but
because I really do not have any thing to offer that type of scenario.
But
regardless of any of the situations mentioned, I happen to believe that most of
these women just want companionship – they miss having someone to talk with,
someone to connect with: a male friend. Life is balanced when the scales are balanced
with a female and male component: widows have lost their best male friend.
I happen
to also believe that you can be friends with the opposite sex without jumping
into bed with them.
I was not a virgin when Bob met me, but I have never been ‘an
easy girl’ … I have no intention of being an ‘easy widow’ now.
Before
Bob, I had male friends that were just friends: no romance, no sex.
After
Bob, I still have male friends that are just friends: no romance, no sex.
But my relationship
with Bob/Bob’s love, changed e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.: I’m just not interested in
sharing my body with another man.
Bob
treated me with love and respect; Bob treated my body like it was a sacred vessel.
I liked that.
What I’d
like as 2021 unfolds, is a friend who wants to spend more than an hour with me –
a platonic friend that engages in deep conversations (or convo’s that
take more than 20 minutes to get through), doesn’t have to rush home (or
to work); and would enjoy escaping town for the day, now and then. I
miss that type of friendship. I miss that type of day.
It is
possible to “just be friends” – friends without ‘benefits’.
Yeshua,
while He walked on Earth as a flesh-n-blood man, had friends of
both sexes that traveled with Him. He treated women as equals – He respected
them as worthy individuals. And some of the Apostle, also, had friends of both
sexes that traveled with them.
It is
possible to have a higher regard for the opposite sex; it is possible to
have a companion, without a sexual relationship – or even a romantic interest.
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jRY0O7t_Bpc)
It’s okay to just be friends.
It’s okay.
I sense a
friend coming my way: he’ll have the same mindset, the same goals; I wish he’d
hurry up, so we can both get some sleep … and start enjoying life again.
On
another note … I read last night that that witch pelosi is going to get a 4th
term as speaker of the house.
It’s shameful
– that witch has done nothing for The People: that she continues on, is a sad
commentary on American mindset … and lack of vision.
https://thehill.com/homenews/house/532444-pelosi-wins-speakership-for-fourth-time-in-dramatic-vote
And biden
is considering barak hussain obama’s choice pick as his attorney general.
As feared
… barak hussain obama is actually who will be pulling biden’s strings: biden is
obama’s brainless/soulless tool for a 3rd term as ‘prez’.
Again,
this is scandalously shameful. And a clear sign of America’s decline on every
level.
Of
course, this makes obamanites very happy, and giddy in their hate.
https://ktla.com/news/politics/biden-to-name-obama-scotus-pick-merrick-garland-as-attorney-general/
I really don’t
know what the hell is going on, anymore, in America. But, I do know that if
this new change of guard goes through: we have lost our country. And the
deadheads seem to think that’s a pretty good thing: {no more Trump} … no more
Christianity.
Poor, pathetic lemmings.
I cannot
read anything on relatives’ FB Pages: it is all giddy hate speak, and
arrogantly ignorant posts about Christians – and ‘what would Jesus do?' twaddle
about things they know nothing about: or a God they despise … therefore,
knowing nothing about what He would do, or wouldn’t do.
They are
blowing smoke, and trying to get a reaction.
It’s pitiful, really.
President
Trump’s term – regardless of how the demonrats tried to derail it - is the real
‘woke’ movement: it will continue.
Christianity
isn’t a religious organization that can be infiltrated (as we’ve seen with the
rise of government churches since the 1970’s); or erased by government
mandates. Christianity will continue.
Christianity IS true freedom 😊
Because
Elohei LIVES ETERNALLY … Christianity, the essence of Yeshua Ha’Mashiach
(Messiah Christ: the Anointed One’), LIVES ETERNALLY.
Christianity is NOT "a religion".
Me? I’m
just gonna live my life, trying to navigate this hellish twilight zone
we’ve been thrust into since 2009 – that has become the twisted ‘reality’ the
world is embracing; I’ll be keeping on the straight and narrow, bracing
for the New Life I’ve stepped into, and waiting for my ticket number to
be called … so I can get out of here, and join Bob beyond the clouds.
I have
stated before, and I state again: though I live on Earth – Earth is not my
home: this life is not the only life I have to live; this life is the only life
I have to live on Earth … but this life is not all there is to my life.
What does
happen here on Earth is of some concern (a bare smidgeon), because it
directly affects the life I have here on Earth: but it is not concerning enough
to lose my mind over. Elohim allows Lucifer ‘his day’ – but Lucifer can only go
so far; and Lucifer cannot destroy a Christian life: he can raise Hell, and
make life miserable, but he does not have total control of any situation.
Elohim
always – always – has the final say; and the final outcome.
So,
whatever happens from here-on-out, doesn’t concern me to distraction. Or
madness. Whatever happens in the global arena, by the end of January 2021, will
affect my life only a little bit.
My life still belongs to Elohei.
Yeshua is still my Husband.
Elohim will still bless me abundantly.
I know
there is a friend out there, somewhere … ready to make a move; thinking the
same thoughts I am thinking – wanting nothing more than friendly companionship.
And while
the insanity raging all around me can annoy me … it cannot destroy me.
I am
never alone ~ if Elohei be for me, who can be against me?
I will still remain a solid Christian.
I will still remain true to myself.
I will still keep ‘keeping on’, ‘til I am
called Home.
Good news
in the moment: this morning, I found a hair salon that will take me without a
mask: ((((HALLELUJAH!)))) It’s not local … but, they respect that I
have asthma, and can’t have my face covered. And, I don’t mind driving the
distance, next week 😉
