Since Christmas, I’ve been having trouble getting to sleep once I fall into bed.
There’s a lot going on in my mind: every stinking 3 AM.
I even got up and made a mug of cocoa (a double); cocoa always puts me out … not so much, lately.
It’s hard to start a fresh new life; it’s hard to walk into a new life empty – I’m not taking anything from my old life into my new life, except me (and of course, the house & car). Everything else is up for grabs.
Which is keeping my thoughts busy one-upping each other.
I’m not deliberately thinking on anything when I go to bed … but I can’t sleep. And I know it’s because my mind is not stopping – it’s just continuing on against my will.
I can’t wait for the friendship thing to get underway, so we can both get some sleep 😉
Meanwhile, since the friendship wishing on both ends are keeping me awake, random thoughts take advantage of the situation and take the night/wee morning hours captive: ‘what do I want to do with my new life?’; ‘what direction do I want my new life to go?’; ‘what interests me, now, that I am solo lobo?’; ‘what do I want to put energy into pursuing, now that my life is devoid of husband and family?’; ‘what opportunities and possibilities do I want to entertain as my new life gets underway in 2021?’
It’s a lot running through my mind! And I am not consciously thinking of any of it. And I know why I can’t sleep … I just can’t rein the thoughts in: my mind refuses to cooperate with my need for sleep.
My subconscious is keeping me awake.
And there seems to be no resolution in my waking hours either: there is still no actual human contact (people are still holed up in their houses, scared to meet people), and online sources for some sort of contact is getting just as sketchy.
I had joined several Widow Groups over the months: for interaction, workable ideas that would help me adjust to widowhood, sharing of information that is mutually beneficial, ect.; instead, since the politically motivated lockdowns, the people in these groups have become snarky, self-centered, judgmental, and confrontational. I understand that they are feeling cooped-up, scared, and lonely. I get that. But going on the attack is not going to help the situation.
Add to that … that the focus in all of the Widow Groups, is now into “finding Chapter 2”.
Like, that’s all that really matters in life.
For some, I guess it is. Some don’t seem to like their dead husbands very much (they were in abusive or unsatisfactory marriages) and they want to experiment with new men: these are not necessarily young widows – most are my age, or older. I get it.
What I don’t ‘get’ is their need to brow-beat others into trying out online dating sites … as if that is all we should all be focused on. I am not interested in any of that.
My outlook is the same it has been for 46 years: if you look for ‘friendship’ or ‘true love’ in a bar, hook up at underground watering-holes for a walk on the wild side, and put yourself on the menu at meat-market/matching dating sites … you will continually draw losers; and be greatly disappointed.
That venue does not interest me (it never has), the offerings are bottom of the line, and I don’t need the trauma drama involved. Some women may get off on that, but not me. I know my value, and I enjoy a peaceful life.
Some widows are young or middle-aged, and are running scared thinking no one will want them as a ‘package deal, with kids’ – and they are scared they are looking at growing old alone. I get that, too.
But I also know there are men (who are real men, not overgrown petulant/perpetual teenagers) that will not bulk at a package deal, and will make a place for another man’s kids in his life if he truly loves their mother: and he will not abuse her children, in any way. This type of men, will not push for sex – as if it’s owed for paying attention to them, or taking them out to a restaurant; and they will treat women with respect and gentling care.
Some are widows due to violent death, or suicide, of their spouses; they are angry, and scared. Some have young children – some do not. They are desperate to prove they still have value … and are angry they have been left with love that has nowhere to go.
I’ve never been in this type of situation – I can’t identify; on any level. So, I generally skip past those posts: not because I am an uncaring bitch; but because I really do not have any thing to offer that type of scenario.
But regardless of any of the situations mentioned, I happen to believe that most of these women just want companionship – they miss having someone to talk with, someone to connect with: a male friend. Life is balanced when the scales are balanced with a female and male component: widows have lost their best male friend.
I happen to also believe that you can be friends with the opposite sex without jumping into bed with them.
I was not a virgin when Bob met me, but I have never been ‘an easy girl’ … I have no intention of being an ‘easy widow’ now.
Before Bob, I had male friends that were just friends: no romance, no sex.
After Bob, I still have male friends that are just friends: no romance, no sex.
But my relationship with Bob/Bob’s love, changed e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.: I’m just not interested in sharing my body with another man.
Bob treated me with love and respect; Bob treated my body like it was a sacred vessel. I liked that.
What I’d like as 2021 unfolds, is a friend who wants to spend more than an hour with me – a platonic friend that engages in deep conversations (or convo’s that take more than 20 minutes to get through), doesn’t have to rush home (or to work); and would enjoy escaping town for the day, now and then. I miss that type of friendship. I miss that type of day.
It is possible to “just be friends” – friends without ‘benefits’.
Yeshua, while He walked on Earth as a flesh-n-blood man, had friends of both sexes that traveled with Him. He treated women as equals – He respected them as worthy individuals. And some of the Apostle, also, had friends of both sexes that traveled with them.
It is possible to have a higher regard for the opposite sex; it is possible to have a companion, without a sexual relationship – or even a romantic interest.
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jRY0O7t_Bpc)
It’s okay to just be friends.
It’s okay.
I sense a friend coming my way: he’ll have the same mindset, the same goals; I wish he’d hurry up, so we can both get some sleep … and start enjoying life again.
On another note … I read last night that that witch pelosi is going to get a 4th term as speaker of the house.
It’s shameful – that witch has done nothing for The People: that she continues on, is a sad commentary on American mindset … and lack of vision.
https://thehill.com/homenews/house/532444-pelosi-wins-speakership-for-fourth-time-in-dramatic-vote
And biden is considering barak hussain obama’s choice pick as his attorney general.
As feared … barak hussain obama is actually who will be pulling biden’s strings: biden is obama’s brainless/soulless tool for a 3rd term as ‘prez’.
Again, this is scandalously shameful. And a clear sign of America’s decline on every level.
Of course, this makes obamanites very happy, and giddy in their hate.
https://ktla.com/news/politics/biden-to-name-obama-scotus-pick-merrick-garland-as-attorney-general/
I really don’t know what the hell is going on, anymore, in America. But, I do know that if this new change of guard goes through: we have lost our country. And the deadheads seem to think that’s a pretty good thing: {no more Trump} … no more Christianity.
Poor, pathetic lemmings.
I cannot read anything on relatives’ FB Pages: it is all giddy hate speak, and arrogantly ignorant posts about Christians – and ‘what would Jesus do?' twaddle about things they know nothing about: or a God they despise … therefore, knowing nothing about what He would do, or wouldn’t do.
They are blowing smoke, and trying to get a reaction.
It’s pitiful, really.
President Trump’s term – regardless of how the demonrats tried to derail it - is the real ‘woke’ movement: it will continue.
Christianity isn’t a religious organization that can be infiltrated (as we’ve seen with the rise of government churches since the 1970’s); or erased by government mandates. Christianity will continue.
Christianity IS true freedom 😊
Because Elohei LIVES ETERNALLY … Christianity, the essence of Yeshua Ha’Mashiach (Messiah Christ: the Anointed One’), LIVES ETERNALLY.
Me? I’m just gonna live my life, trying to navigate this hellish twilight zone we’ve been thrust into since 2009 – that has become the twisted ‘reality’ the world is embracing; I’ll be keeping on the straight and narrow, bracing for the New Life I’ve stepped into, and waiting for my ticket number to be called … so I can get out of here, and join Bob beyond the clouds.
I have stated before, and I state again: though I live on Earth – Earth is not my home: this life is not the only life I have to live; this life is the only life I have to live on Earth … but this life is not all there is to my life.
What does happen here on Earth is of some concern (a bare smidgeon), because it directly affects the life I have here on Earth: but it is not concerning enough to lose my mind over. Elohim allows Lucifer ‘his day’ – but Lucifer can only go so far; and Lucifer cannot destroy a Christian life: he can raise Hell, and make life miserable, but he does not have total control of any situation.
Elohim always – always – has the final say; and the final outcome.
So, whatever happens from here-on-out, doesn’t concern me to distraction. Or madness. Whatever happens in the global arena, by the end of January 2021, will affect my life only a little bit.
My life still belongs to Elohei.
Yeshua is still my Husband.
Elohim will still bless me abundantly.
I know there is a friend out there, somewhere … ready to make a move; thinking the same thoughts I am thinking – wanting nothing more than friendly companionship.
And while the insanity raging all around me can annoy me … it cannot destroy me.
I am never alone ~ if Elohei be for me, who can be against me?
I will still remain a solid Christian.
I will still remain true to myself.
I will still keep ‘keeping on’, ‘til I am called Home.
Good news
in the moment: this morning, I found a hair salon that will take me without a
mask: ((((HALLELUJAH!)))) It’s not local … but, they respect that I
have asthma, and can’t have my face covered. And, I don’t mind driving the
distance, next week 😉
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