2020 ~ THE YEAR THAT SUCKED

2018 was a life changer.

2018 started out very good … and ended very bad (kinda).

Bad for me; good for Bob. 

Bob went home beyond the clouds.

I am left to walk Earth alone; beneath gray, heavy clouds.

The gray heavy clouds of 2020 that hover over my personal life; have not left me drowning in memories like I was the months of my 2019 widow walk …

OUR FIRST CHRISTMAS TOGETHER (https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/12/our-first-christmas-together.html)

WHO AM I BLOG POST (https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/12/who-am-i.html)

PROMISE UNKEPT (https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/12/the-charlie-daniels-band-christmas-time.html)

OUR NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS REVISITED (https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/12/our-nightmare-before-christmas-revisited.html)

 … and truthfully: most of 2020 has really been good for me emotionally and physically. The people that shafted me, and eventually threw me under the proverbial bus – did me a favor by liberating me. 99% of the life I had with Bob has been erased as if it never happened: I had to learn to stand alone, again. And I think I’ve done a phenomenal job of it 😉

I was able to stand because Elohim always had my back; Yeshua comforted me, and He made sure to have people cross my path that would be good for my growth.

I do not apologize to anyone for my Faith.

I do not insist people believe, but I do insist they respect my choice to believe.

If not for Elohei, I would not have survived Bob’s graduation – the loss of Bob in my life was that intense. Bob and I, both, steadfastly held onto our faith the entire 106 days of those very hard days to live the end of 2018 … and after December 14^th, Yeshua held me up 10 months following; while I learned to walk solo lobo. Elohim kept me focused and balanced – Yeshua healed and soothed me – and the Ruach Ha’Kodesh encouraged me with The Word of wisdom and knowledge.

Without God, I would have folded and flew apart into a million pieces, never to be whole again.

I said goodbye to my husband in December 2018.

It feels like a whole lifetime has passed since Bob’s spirit left Earth; yet, in some ways, it feels like December 14^th, happened yesterday. Both realities are my today. 

I wrote about our life together, all of 2019. My first year without Bob seemed very surreal, and a sterile place, without him in it.

I needed the infusing memories to help breathe life back into my life.

 

It was healing – it was necessary.

Memories are still healing.

Memories are still necessary.

I don’t know how long this will last.

But I do know that no one else gets to decide.

No one else gets to decide for me how I heal; no on else gets to decide for me when I “move forward” … or how I move forward.

The fact that I am moving forward, should be enough.

I like to rejoice in the memory of my husband; Bob was the greatest blessing of my life. I am honored that Elohim granted me my greatest wish to have my greatest love in my life for 44 years of my 64 years (64 years old, December 29^th 😉).

I like to write about who he was, and what he meant to me: and to others his life touched. I do not think I am “stuck in deep grief”, because my writing does not ooze inconsolable mourning – I never mourned Bob: I know where he is. I know he is happy, and his spirit is housed in a healthy body now, that will never decay.

I miss Bob.

Missing, is different than mourning.

Missing is different than grieving.

Missing, is remembering and moving forward: jointly.

Grieving is stagnating: dying on the vine.

I like to laugh when I remember some of his quirks and silly moments.

I like to remember his gentle ways and his quiet wisdom; his strength of character.

I like to reflect on all the ways Bob, and his unconditional love enriched my world then … and is enriching my word now.

I feel close to him again, when I share him in my writings.

The bulk of 2020 really has been very good for me.

Even though demonrats made life very HARD.

Even though 2020 sucked on every level.

I'm a fighter - I don't know how to be a patsy.

Suckiness made me utilize my badass card.

I grew in ways I did not know I could.

I learned to enjoy a new life focus.

Even though 2020 sucked.

But, the wanning of 2020 has not been so easy. The past 3 weeks with this bum hip/leg have been rough – and I don’t expect things to get better until January sometime; and that’s a crap shoot hope, at this point given my physical limitations unless Elohim heals me; and the obama-clinton-biden-pelosi-harris coup is rushed forward by throwing the race card down again (if that actually happen, all bets are off: we are all screwed – with or without our expressed permission). Covid is losing its appeal to the masses (people are fighting back), and all the demonrats have left to whip The People with is manufactured Trump-hate, and manipulated racism … that seems to be as loosey-goosey as covid: every medical ailment that can wrong with the body is being recorded as covid-related; and everything that can go wrong with society is recorded as Trump’s fault, and systemic racism (of course, black muslim racism towards Jews and Caucasians is applauded as ‘justifiable’ by the obamanites).

It’s all insanity, but insanity appears to fly when people lose their common sense and rational thinking abilities to fear.

Gray heavy clouds that hang over my immediate Winter shifting region of the PNW: the weather is chilling, the river winds are brutal, and the sky looks as angry as the people walking the earth beneath it …

ARE WE ON THE BRINK OF A CIVIL WAR? (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PlAsRyItsZU)

Gray heavy political clouds moving in and trying to suffocate The People of this great Nation, and Republic of America.

Looked at logically, the ‘escalating numbers’ don’t look scary to anyone with a working brain cell …

And gray heavy clouds settling over my local area, as businesses are thrown back into ridiculous and useless mandates by power-drunk mayors and governors … and the road ‘project’ on Delameter drags on and on due to the covid ridiculousness. That shoddy road work began a year ago; and it is still a muddy mess because the mandates never end: politics hampers that area of life also.

2020 has been the year that sucked from start to finish.

Everyone was making light of the covid restrictions – most were adhering to the strict government overreach (I was not: I employ freedom, always). When the restrictions were somewhat relaxed, people started getting out and laughing again: I was happy to see friend’s faces again 😊

Then, obama's 3rd coup set in, and obaminite governors started slapping mandates down again, and arresting business owners that defied their demands … these same governors screamed for getting rid of the police to satisfy the black lives matters racists that pretty much destroyed business across America (setting fires, breaking windows, open theft – violent murders) … BUT they demanded police carry out their orders to arrest business owners and lock the doors of businesses that refused to close their doors to customers who wanted to sit down to a peaceful Supper and enjoy friendly companionship.

Spiffy’s stands against insleeze – I FULLY SUPPORT SPIFFY’S – this is a good place to eat, off the freeway; and the region is a good place to daytrip. If I was not laid up, I’d be there myself, joining the protest:

http://www.chronline.com/community/spiffy-s-becomes-lightning-rod-for-protest-of-state-s-covid-19-restrictions/article_8fd6afbc-3687-11eb-8828-af41ebe51288.html

And I am noticing, on social media, that people are getting mean-spirited; they are fighting about anything, and everything – most of the fighting doesn’t even make sense.

They are housebound, and striking out.

They are indoctrinated into the obamanite cult of self-retardation, where common sense has flown the coop and robotic {world view} dogma is parroted.

‘World view’ has replaced individualism.

Individualism is now considered ‘enemy tactics’, and those who do not blindly follow the obamanite doctrine are viewed as “enemies of the state”.

More backwards insanity.

obama and his braindead minions tout the 1960’s as nirvana … but they miss the point of the 1960’s. The entire thrust of the 1960’s was to eschew the establishment, not embrace it! But ALL of obama’s goals and doctrine is about letting the establishment dictate how you should live your life, according to government mandates forced on the people against their will for the sole benefit of escalating political tyranny to the point of totally erasing freedoms of any sort.

There is no more respect for a difference of opinion on any topic, or issue: there is a just a rabid, putrid hatred emanating from the demonrat party bent on destruction and decay wrapped in government {freedoms} designed to enslave, manipulate, and decimate.

Love, compassion, empathy, respect, and freedom is evaporating.

I don’t need that in my life.

Either 1-on-1/face-to-face; or on FB.

So, I’m stepping back from the toxicity for a bit.

I have my own stuff to work through: I don’t want to wade through someone else’s bullshit. I don’t want to {understand} their self-imposed angst. I don’t want to be dragged into their drama by what my eyes see when they post their anger. I firmly reject that misplaced anger when it is directed at me – if they continue to harangue me, I just block them: d.o.n.e. and they no longer exist to take swipes at me.

There is NO excuse for bad behavior.

I don't allow it into my life.

I am looking into broadening my horizons some more in 2021, but I will not be pushed by others into having a man in my life, again. That decision is mine to make: it’s no one else’s business.

I’m content where I am, in my life, at this moment.

There are many reasons I chose to remain single. First, and foremost, is the fact that I still love my husband.

The other biggie is that everything has now been politicalized … even relationships; which is another heightened sense of ridiculousness.

I have stated before that Bob and I really had little in common other than the fact that we loved each other. Bob and I never allowed our difference to define us – we would not allow our difference in point of view to come between us. We always sought middle ground, and worked towards that goal. If we could not find a middle ground … we left the ‘thing’ alone: we did not pick it to death. We loved each other.

People, since 2009, have forgotten how to love.

They have forgotten how to respect differences.

Everything now, is hate-hate-hate: it’s sad.

Right now, I am not looking forward to January 2021 at all.

I am sick of the hatred that has played out since 2009.

America … and Americans are better than that.

So, this afternoon, I am going to spend some time getting lost in fantasy worlds where the realities of today won’t intrude …

I MISS HIS TOUCH

I miss being touched.

His eyes ... his beautiful Asian eyes that could touch all of me.

My gentle giant always touched me with tenderness (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qEztui18cA8 & https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xu6DUq3QboI)

Bob was always gently touching me - his touch always telling me he was trustworthy.

Not just any touch … HIS touch.

The touching, the kisses that never ended until December 14th, 2018 at 8.05 AM

His hand, gentle on my hip, saying, "It's o.k. - I'm right here beside you."

Bob was always reaching out for me and pulling me into his loving embrace.

My favorite embrace. We couldn't stop touching ... always touching like this. Even in our sleep.

I have missed Bob, and his touch every day for the past 20 months.

He held me for 44 years.

For 44 years he gently pulled me closer and held me so I could hear his heart beat just for me; I set the tempo of  my life to the rhythm of his heatbeat.

The happy look of love. That look was a steady comfort for 44 years (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LcJm1pOswfM)

Bob's touch was my ‘Home’; I have been homeless for 20 months.

21 hours and 10 minutes from now will mark 21 months Bob’s place of residence has shifted from here with me on Earth, to that glorious celestial City – Heaven – beyond the clouds.

21 months. Tomorrow morning. 8:05 AM.

The morning started with a smile and a laugh: I sharpened my scissors by myself!

Since March of this year, I’ve done okay with the ‘missingness’: I’ve barely been home. Giving my gypsy bone free reign this year has helped tremendously in redirecting my thoughts.

It's complicated.

There are times when I can feel the weight of the missingness settling on me, and I know when I lay my head on the pillow of our bed, that I will be leaving on a daytrip adventure as soon as I wake in the morning – this is a planned escape. Then, there are times when acute missingness strikes me, and I just stop whatever I am doing; grab my backpack/purse and flee. Sometimes the sudden fleeing helps, sometimes it doesn’t. But, in that moment, I have to put distance between me and the house that is no longer our home – Bob is not there. Bob will never be there again. That reality is a missingness that claws at my heart with an intensity that threatens to suck the very life out of me. I HAVE to get away… and I have to do it fast.

I boldly and rebelliously bucked the governors’ covid mandates in both States. If I were closer to Idaho, I’d have included that State too.

But, now the surrounding wildfires – some started naturally, by Mother Nature … but far too many maliciously started by retarded firebugs: some unquestionably connected to black lives matter arsonists (regardless of leftist denials: it is a proven fact the pyromania anarchists are directly linked to blm rioting); and some fires have been started by deadheads watching cities go up in flames while anarchist governors smile for the cameras and march arm in arm with the race-baiting-firebug anarchists. The deadheads think they are aiding blm in the ‘woke’ movement.

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2020/09/social-distancing.html)

So, the entire PNW is aflame with a wildfire racial war, as well as actual out-of-control wildfires burning through forests in the mountains surrounding us, burning through forests/dry grasses in the gorge, catching flame along the I-5 corridor and decimating entire towns (some towns gone forever, now); the atmosphere in 3 demonrat controlled states is thick with heavy, low hanging smoke cover that has blocked the sun out entirely the past 2 days, and keeps people inside because the air is not healthy to breathe – the pungent campfire odor sears the lungs and it can be tasted: it is that strong in the air.

Right now, in my neighborhood, there is a major hike in the air quality index reading: 354! Extremely hazardous to my already compromised lungs – I was born with weak lungs and have struggled to breathe easy all my life; I don’t need the added chaos caused by demonrat firebugs.

And there is no one I can “reach out and touch” … either by phone, or by actual physical contact.

When people like me, widowed and cruelly abandoned by children and grandchildren are alone with their thoughts, it can get overwhelming. Fast.

Right now, there is no chance of getting out of the house.

Stepping outside, with weak lungs like mine, is a sure death sentence. And while death does not frighten me, and I prefer being with Yeshua & Bob as opposed to living the hell obama’s demonic minions are forcing on me … painfully choking to death, alone, on the cement pad in the carport by smoke asphyxiation is not the way I want to leave this life. That seems very undignified to my way of thinking. I prayed Bob’s leaving would be dignified: and it was. I am praying my leaving will be dignified; and I believe it will be. Elohim is faithful to His children – and I am His daughter.

Being trapped inside the house, breathing the same stale air for days on end, is not healthy either. Fresh air is essential for a healthy life, and a healthy functioning brain – things will reach a critical level if the air does not clear up soon so people can get outside.

I am used to hopping in the Highlander and taking off to find fresh air away from the smog of Longview, to heal my lungs and soothe my soul: eyeing the Highlander parked in the carport from the window in the laundry room appears to be too much of a risk to take right now – and even if I did take the risk, and held my breath until I was in the car … where would I go? THE AIR IS BAD EVERWHERE. There is no “safe place” at the moment.

My thoughts of Bob aren’t even safe right now.

My thoughts are focusing on Bob’s touch.

Memories of self-sufficient lessons are a good touch - but they are not enough when they trigger other emotions that have been shifted to the cold storage area of my life.

Bob’s touch could always calm me down; Bob knew how to touch me – his touch soothed me in ways I cannot define with mere words.

I miss being touched.

I miss Bob’s touch.

I am missing Bob's actual physical touch.

Bob liked touching me, and knowing I was beside him.

He was always reaching out when I was walking past, and pulling me down to his tight hugs. I loved his touch.

Missing every day touches.

Bob's touch was a comfort to the both of us. A solid anchor in an uncertain world.

My King Bee always treated me like his Queen. I loved feeling his tender, comforting hands on my body.

I miss Bob's lovemaking touch. I don’t want anyone to touch me like Bob did. Ever. That part of my life belongs to Bob – always. I miss his touch, but I am not interested in filling that void with anyone else.

This is shaky ground to be standing on.

This is not a good place for my thoughts to go right now.

And until the wildfires are under control/smoke dissipates, and the shut-in restrictions are relaxed, there is no escape when missingness overwhelms me.

Logically, I know the missingness will always be a part of the retouched part of the canvas that is my life. But I don’t want it to override the whole of the canvas; and right now … with the never-ending shut-ins, the angry abandonments, the flash-in-the-pan friendships, and the continual looping boomerang back to square 1 … it is piling on thick and mucking up the picture.

I miss all the touches. Bob and I touched every day - I sure could use his touches now.

If Bob were here, there would be no boomerang effect ... his touches would keep a steady momentum.

I am missing Bob’s soothing touch so much because I have no one in my life, to share my life with.

On any level.

Married friends have their families in times like this. Single friends have their families – or significant others – in times like this; or they are actively involved in the dating scene, and that’s all they talk about. I do not have family to surround myself with in times like this … and I am not interested in immersing myself in the dating scene: that would not be helpful at all.

So, I am being a bit more specific in asking Elohim to send me a companion. I don’t want a boyfriend, I don’t want a husband, and I don’t want a ‘friend with benefits’: I do not want to replace Bob – Bob will be my husband, always. I just want a companion friend; preferably a male, as I already have several female friends and I am missing a male counterpart to balance the friendship scales.

I miss male interaction. I am not seeking a romantic involvement – just a platonic friendship.

And I want Elohim to pick him for me – Elohim knows what I need to complete the circle of life He created me to live out.

I’m not going to try wading into uncharted waters on my own … the world is a freaky place nowadays: there’s too many twisted and confused society minions swimming upstream masquerading as men, wearing jeans and flannel shirts … and wearing victoria’s secret underneath: NOT INTERESTED in that! Walking on the wild side is not my thing.

Elohim will send the perfect person across my path and into my life … a man who will understand the boundaries, and won’t misunderstand a simple human touch: things will not get blown out of proportion by the touch of a hand or a comforting hug. I have had platonic friendships before; it is healthy companionship for a well-balanced life.

A compatible friendship for 2021 is what I am asking for: nothing more.