2018 was a life changer.
2018 started out very good … and ended very bad (kinda).
Bad for me; good for Bob.
Bob went home beyond the clouds.
I am left to walk Earth alone; beneath gray, heavy clouds.
The gray heavy clouds of 2020 that hover over my personal life; have not left me drowning in memories like I was the months of my 2019 widow walk …
OUR FIRST CHRISTMAS TOGETHER (https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/12/our-first-christmas-together.html)
WHO AM I BLOG POST (https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/12/who-am-i.html)
PROMISE UNKEPT (https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/12/the-charlie-daniels-band-christmas-time.html)
OUR NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS
REVISITED (https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/12/our-nightmare-before-christmas-revisited.html)
… and truthfully: most of 2020 has really been good for me emotionally and physically. The people that shafted me, and eventually threw me under the proverbial bus – did me a favor by liberating me. 99% of the life I had with Bob has been erased as if it never happened: I had to learn to stand alone, again. And I think I’ve done a phenomenal job of it 😉
I was able to stand because Elohim always had my back; Yeshua comforted me, and He made sure to have people cross my path that would be good for my growth.
I do not apologize to anyone for my Faith.
I do not insist people believe, but I do insist they respect my choice to believe.
If not for Elohei, I would not have survived Bob’s graduation – the loss of Bob in my life was that intense. Bob and I, both, steadfastly held onto our faith the entire 106 days of those very hard days to live the end of 2018 … and after December 14th, Yeshua held me up 10 months following; while I learned to walk solo lobo. Elohim kept me focused and balanced – Yeshua healed and soothed me – and the Ruach Ha’Kodesh encouraged me with The Word of wisdom and knowledge.
Without God, I would have folded and flew apart into a million pieces, never to be whole again.
I said goodbye to my husband in December 2018.
It feels like a whole lifetime has passed since Bob’s spirit left Earth; yet, in some ways, it feels like December 14th, happened yesterday. Both realities are my today.
I wrote about our life together, all of 2019. My first year without Bob seemed very surreal, and a sterile place, without him in it.
I needed the infusing memories to help breathe life back into my life.
It was healing – it was necessary.
Memories are still healing.
Memories are still necessary.
I don’t know how long this will last.
But I do know that no one else gets to decide.
No one else gets to decide for me how I heal; no on else gets to decide for me when I “move forward” … or how I move forward.
The fact that I am moving forward, should be enough.
I like to rejoice in the memory of my husband; Bob was the greatest blessing of my life. I am honored that Elohim granted me my greatest wish to have my greatest love in my life for 44 years of my 64 years (64 years old, December 29th 😉).
I like to write about who he was, and what he meant to me: and to others his life touched. I do not think I am “stuck in deep grief”, because my writing does not ooze inconsolable mourning – I never mourned Bob: I know where he is. I know he is happy, and his spirit is housed in a healthy body now, that will never decay.
I miss Bob.
Missing, is different than mourning.
Missing is different than grieving.
Missing, is remembering and moving forward: jointly.
Grieving is stagnating: dying on the vine.
I like to laugh when I remember some of his quirks and silly moments.
I like to remember his gentle ways and his quiet wisdom; his strength of character.
I like to reflect on all the ways Bob, and his unconditional love enriched my world then … and is enriching my word now.
I feel close to him again, when I share him in my writings.
The bulk of 2020 really has been very good for me.
Even though demonrats made life very HARD.
Even though 2020 sucked on every level.
I'm a fighter - I don't know how to be a patsy.
Suckiness made me utilize my badass card.
I grew in ways I did not know I could.
I learned to enjoy a new life focus.
Even though 2020 sucked.
But, the wanning of 2020 has not been so easy. The past 3 weeks with this bum hip/leg have been rough – and I don’t expect things to get better until January sometime; and that’s a crap shoot hope, at this point given my physical limitations unless Elohim heals me; and the obama-clinton-biden-pelosi-harris coup is rushed forward by throwing the race card down again (if that actually happen, all bets are off: we are all screwed – with or without our expressed permission). Covid is losing its appeal to the masses (people are fighting back), and all the demonrats have left to whip The People with is manufactured Trump-hate, and manipulated racism … that seems to be as loosey-goosey as covid: every medical ailment that can wrong with the body is being recorded as covid-related; and everything that can go wrong with society is recorded as Trump’s fault, and systemic racism (of course, black muslim racism towards Jews and Caucasians is applauded as ‘justifiable’ by the obamanites).
It’s all insanity, but insanity appears to fly when people lose their common sense and rational thinking abilities to fear.
Gray heavy clouds that hang over my immediate Winter shifting region of the PNW: the weather is chilling, the river winds are brutal, and the sky looks as angry as the people walking the earth beneath it …
ARE WE ON THE BRINK OF A CIVIL
WAR? (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PlAsRyItsZU)
Gray heavy political clouds moving in and trying to suffocate The People of this great Nation, and Republic of America.
And gray heavy clouds settling over my local area, as businesses are thrown back into ridiculous and useless mandates by power-drunk mayors and governors … and the road ‘project’ on Delameter drags on and on due to the covid ridiculousness. That shoddy road work began a year ago; and it is still a muddy mess because the mandates never end: politics hampers that area of life also.
2020 has been the year that sucked from start to finish.
Everyone was making light of the covid restrictions – most were adhering to the strict government overreach (I was not: I employ freedom, always). When the restrictions were somewhat relaxed, people started getting out and laughing again: I was happy to see friend’s faces again 😊
Then, obama's 3rd coup set in, and obaminite governors started slapping mandates down again, and arresting business owners that defied their demands … these same governors screamed for getting rid of the police to satisfy the black lives matters racists that pretty much destroyed business across America (setting fires, breaking windows, open theft – violent murders) … BUT they demanded police carry out their orders to arrest business owners and lock the doors of businesses that refused to close their doors to customers who wanted to sit down to a peaceful Supper and enjoy friendly companionship.
Spiffy’s stands against insleeze – I FULLY SUPPORT SPIFFY’S – this is a good place to eat, off the freeway; and the region is a good place to daytrip. If I was not laid up, I’d be there myself, joining the protest:
And I am noticing, on social media, that people are getting mean-spirited; they are fighting about anything, and everything – most of the fighting doesn’t even make sense.
They are housebound, and striking out.
They are indoctrinated into the obamanite cult of
self-retardation, where common sense has flown the coop and robotic {world
view} dogma is parroted.
‘World view’ has replaced individualism.
Individualism is now considered ‘enemy tactics’,
and those who do not blindly follow the obamanite doctrine are viewed as “enemies
of the state”.
More backwards insanity.
obama and his braindead minions tout the 1960’s
as nirvana … but they miss the point of the 1960’s. The entire thrust of the 1960’s
was to eschew the establishment, not embrace it! But ALL of obama’s goals and
doctrine is about letting the establishment dictate how you should live your
life, according to government mandates forced on the people against their will
for the sole benefit of escalating political tyranny to the point of totally
erasing freedoms of any sort.
There is no more respect for a difference of opinion
on any topic, or issue: there is a just a rabid, putrid hatred emanating from
the demonrat party bent on destruction and decay wrapped in government
{freedoms} designed to enslave, manipulate, and decimate.
Love, compassion, empathy, respect, and freedom
is evaporating.
I don’t need that in my life.
Either 1-on-1/face-to-face; or on FB.
So, I’m stepping back from the toxicity for a bit.
I have my own stuff to work through:
I don’t want to wade through someone else’s bullshit. I don’t want to {understand} their self-imposed angst. I don’t want
to be dragged into their drama by what my eyes see when they post their anger. I
firmly reject that misplaced anger when it is directed at me – if they
continue to harangue me, I just block them: d.o.n.e. and they no longer
exist to take swipes at me.
There is NO excuse for bad behavior.
I don't allow it into my life.
I am looking into broadening my horizons some more
in 2021, but I will not be pushed by others into having a man in my life,
again. That decision is mine to make: it’s no one else’s business.
I’m content where I am, in my life, at this moment.
There are many reasons I chose
to remain single. First, and foremost, is the fact that I still love my
husband.
The other biggie is that everything has now
been politicalized … even relationships; which is another heightened sense
of ridiculousness.
I have stated before that Bob and I really had
little in common other than the fact that we loved each other. Bob and I never
allowed our difference to define us – we would not allow our difference in
point of view to come between us. We always sought middle ground, and worked
towards that goal. If we could not find a middle ground … we left the ‘thing’
alone: we did not pick it to death. We loved each other.
People, since 2009, have forgotten how to love.
They have forgotten how to respect differences.
Everything now, is hate-hate-hate: it’s sad.
Right now, I am not looking forward to January 2021
at all.
I am sick of the hatred that has played out since 2009.
America … and Americans are better than that.
So, this afternoon, I am going to spend some time
getting lost in fantasy worlds where the realities of today won’t intrude …
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