MY SWAN-MAN

Tom Jones - 'You're My World' song:

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gla6bkc2Spk)

We woke up to snowflakes falling this morning, so we found some in-house things to do.

Holland checked his emails, and I was going through some of last year's widow journey files, when I came across an October'22 File that should have clued me into Holland's arrival on my life change radar ...

A.M. dream - I mistook Elohim's meaning ...

My rough drawing of what Elohim showed me.

The intent was accurate - my interpretation was not; I attributed the dream to missing Bob, instead of realizing it was Elohim's way of showing me it was time to move on and accept His Plan for this new chapter of my new life.

My January 2022 'Redeeming the Time' Post: https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2022/02/shabbat-reflection-redeeming-time.html

The Ocober'22 Swan Dream was like Elohim was giving me hope that things will get better.

I'm glad I finally accepted the dream's full intent :-)

At the time of the swan dream, I had been attending Oak Point community church for an entire year at that time, studiously avoiding Holland's obvious flirtations: I wasn't ready to engage in romantic interludes. Plus, Holland was a Board member ... and the Board (jeanne paulson and luroy douglas, spearheaded the outright hatred towards me) had very specifically let me know I was unwelcome, and was very voiciferously making it known they wanted me gone. I did not know that Holland had gone to bat for me at every board meeting - I did not know because I was avoiding romantic entanglements. I was, in effect, putting Elohim's Plan on hold by keeping Holland at arm's length.

I was still dealing with widowhood adjustments.

I was also - through no fault of my own - dealing with naked hatred aimed at me by a greedy man fixated on money issues, and a bitter old harpy fixated on demeaning me in any way she could, because she could.

I was clueless - due to everything going down, as well as my self-imposed ignorance - that Holland was the swan Elohim had shown me in my dream.

But Holland wasn't clueless.

Tom Jones - 'There's Something 'Bout You Baby I Like' song: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kZfA0okHVOo)

And he was letting me know, without actually verbalizing what I should have been paying attention to ;-)

My swan-man was getting bold; I was taking too long in noticing his courtship maneuvers ;-)

Tom Jones - 'Help Yourself' song:

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eMz_JSU8TxI)

Holland in 1989; my swan-man has told me that Elohim gave him a vision of me at this time - there was also a prophetic word given ... with a witness, that confirms the vision.

Dan Seals - 'Saw You In My Dreams' song:

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eFnRKShLghE)

Holland's {swan song} text; this was a complication risk that reaped lifelong blessings.

Bread - 'Baby, I'm A-Want You' song:

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYG1VsWSZl4)

Bellamy Brothers - 'More Of You' song:

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zvMXBeF9f2c)

This morning, my swan-man and I talked things over.

Marrying a widow is not for the weak hearted man. Holland has weathered a lot of insensitive talk. My younger brother actually posted on his FB Page - after someone (pretty sure it was that miserable old harpy from Oak Point) sent him a picture of Holland and I announcing our marriage: {Well, I'll be a...My older sister remarried. Good on her and very, very good on him. Congratulations, Sis and whoever. (Not like I'll ever meet him...sis and I have been estranged for going on 50 yrs. But I wish her, nor him, any ill will, but he's got a mark to reach to beat Bobby Hargand (but anybody would). Anyway, good on them both.} 

Holland took this crappy posting better than mw. I saw red: 98% of Sam's post was unadulterated bullshit, posted to gather sympathy for himself (1) I love Holland, else I would not have married him (2) Sam didn't even know Bob - I think they only said 'hi' to each a handful of times during our entire marriage (3) my siblings cut themselves out of my life ... and I told Sam about Bob's passing myself following Bob's physical death; and invited him to Bob's Celebration of Life, along with my other siblings. NO ONE RESPONED OR BOTHERED TO COME. Any 'estrangement' is on them (4) Holland is confident in my love for him; he is not in competition with Bob, who now resides in Heaven! That's just crazy talk - and it's disrespectful to me, as well as very hurtful to a man my brother has never met. Bob was ... Holland is. I love Holland for who he is; there is no comparison.

When I run into friends or get calls from them; and I tell them I've remarried, they are surprised and will usually say, "Wow. Congratulations." Then they follow that up with, "I just can't imagine you with anyone but Bob." (((HELLO PEOPLE!))) Holland is standing within hearing distance of that remark ... the insensitive remark didn't need to be verbalized.

Marrying a man who has been a bachelor for decades is not for the weak hearted woman. Thankfully, I've always been an independent woman who doesn't need a man to boost my personhood: I get along quite well solo lobo. If a man is in my life on a steady basis, he's in it because I want to share all of my life with him - not because my life is meaningless without him. I choose to make a place for him in my life. Just sayin.

I've only opened my life to 2 men: Bob and Holland ~ both are my swan-men in their own right; each fitting my life completely, in two totally different scenarios. I loved Bob while he walked this Earth with me for 44 years. I love Holland as equally deep - and I will walk this Earth beside him, for the rest of whatever timeframe of life Elohim grants us.

Tom Jones & Dusty Springfield - 'You Got What It Takes' song: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rb0gzExYdPM)

The Every Brothers - 'Let It Be Me' song: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nnJQf1B-OUk)

A true blessing. Just for me :-)

Tom Jones - 'Love Machine' song:

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7EcSiZM9nis)

Holland recently got his hair cut; I miss his curls. The good-looking boy is still visible in my handsome man :-)

We've only been married 46 days.

Adjustments take time.

Thankfully we are both retired and can make the most of our days; we have the time to sort things out; and talk them out. We don't want anything to come between us - we are still honeymooners. I've apologized for my family and friends' insensitivity ... and Holland has apologized for the recent Oak Point snafu: he understands now why I was so upset.

Change only comes to a person from the inside out; true, substantial, lasting change must come from a person's own heart, not from external pressure.

Elohim is working in our life for the betterment of our life, and we are taking a step back from life's snafu's.

And, as an added bonus ... we are engaging in a particular retirement activity that brightens the day and chases away any gray clouds that threaten to mar our happy place :-)

Starland Vocal Band - 'Afternoon Delight' song:

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wu1UXCdyNo0)

I was reading my cousin's FB Page this morning, when I saw a pattern for these cute crochet sloths. I started laughing, and said, "These are perfect for a retired couple statement; I'm going to make a pair" :-)

I love my swan-man.

Friday looks like a good day to drive to the beach; Holland likes the beach, and a beach day would be good for him. He spoils me - Friday will be a day to lavish a little spoiling on him, too ;-)

ASTHMA & CONTACT EYEWEAR DO NOT GEL

Monday afternoon, had picked my contacts up at the optometrist office in town.

Contacts.

Tuesday morning, I slid them into my eyes for my 4-hour trial adjustment period.

The contacts were fine for distance.

But after an hour, I was still having trouble with blurriness “up close”, like hand-held things (cell phone: contacts, notifications; books, ect.), laptop keyboard tabs … anything that was not distance related; and that’s a big factor because I like to read my Bible, and read patterns for handcrafts. Plus, I’m a designer, I work with my hands on “up close” handcrafted items, and I put my pattern instructions into print format. Most of my friends are texters: reading and typing are important in my daily life.

I called the optometrist’s office, and the technician said the blurriness may correct itself. Then she added, “If, however, things do not improve today or tomorrow – you may have to get another prescription to put over the contacts”. Uh … NO: that would defeat the purpose of the contacts! I already have glasses coming (ordered the same day I ordered the contacts), that should arrive in a week or so; I do not need another pair of glasses to wear with the contacts!

After my 4-hour morning “adjustment” period was over, I removed the contacts and put my glasses back on.

This morning I suffered another severe asthma attack (first severe attack was Christmas Eve, 2021) – compounded by chronic bronchitis: by the time my lungs had cleared and I could actually suck breath into my screaming lungs, tears were running down my face, soaking my pj top; and I had visible red strain marks on my face from brow to chin … my eyes were running nonstop, and swollen: getting contacts in them was not feasible.

(https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/324449#takeaway)

So, when my tortured body settled back into an easy rhythm after it’s Red Zone experience; and I could talk without sounding like a gasping fish out of water, I called the optometrist’s office again and told them to cancel the Contacts Order. The contacts will not work for me. Whether my eyes “adjust”, or not, is no longer the issue. The frequency and severeness of the asthma attacks are the issue … and I am not going to pay good $$$ for a product my body will not be able to fully utilize. I have worn contacts before with success – but in this season of my life, they just won’t work. Letting contacts eyewear fall by the wayside does not send my entire life into a tailspin.

When I ended the convo with the peeved receptionist, I noticed that there was a break in the weather from 11 AM to Noon, so I pulled on some jeans and tied on my hiking boots.

Whenever possible, I do not allow asthma to handicap me 😉

I may not be able to wear contacts to help lessen the blinding effects of sunshine and headlight glare … but I can still enjoy my daily walks when the weather allows 😉

An adjustment not foreseen ...

I have glasses coming ... and that will be my future outlook on life's scenery.

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2022/04/2-year-eye-exam-2022.html)

Swallows were thick ... and quick, this afternoon along the Pacific Way Trail.

Mama Duck had a busy outing with her babies – all TWELEVE of them; she must be a veteran at successfully raising hatchlings 😉

Ring-neck Duck; male.

Nature's 'Chat Room'. LOL

A clump of Calla Lilies.

When I got back to the parked Highlander, I saw that there was enough time to make the Keenagers gathering; I hadn’t been there for a while, so I decided to go – even if I was dressed in my hiking grubbies.

I was still reasonably presentable 😊

Turning off Pacific Way, and onto Huntington, I was momentarily hung up by landscaping activities.

Landscaping holdup - Huntington Place jump road off Glenwood Drive, ties in with Laurel Road.

Keenagers (across from Montessori) on Columbia Heights, from Huntington Place Road; 3 mins.

I had been missed, and everyone let me know it, with squeals of “Val!” and enthusiastic hugs all around. I enjoyed myself, and when asked what I’ve been doing … I answered truthfully with a smile: “staying alive”.

And I laughed when that song, ‘Staying Alive’ (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fNFzfwLM72c) sung by the Bee Gee’s ran through my mind 😊

When I got back home – barely in the door – my phone rang: another friend needed some time outdoors and asked me if I wanted to go for a walk: I said, “Sure, I’m always game for a walk; do you want to meet out at Willow Grove, or should I come pick you up?” I went to pick her up. We had a nice leisurely riverside walk, shot the breeze on a variety of topics, and enjoyed being together.

Outside.

Soaking up the skimpy sunrays 😊

Kindness, sown in love, is a comfortable 2-way street that always leads to a happy disposition 😉

And I saw, when I got back home and kicked my shoes off … that a snippet of the Angel Wing Begonia plant I hauled home from an Oregon Grange Garage Sale … Bob and I had stopped at on one of our daytrip ventures nine years ago; had finally burst into blossom.

That memory made me smile.

Angel Wing Begonia Blossom; it’s been a looong time coming 😊

So, my day, that started out so precariously amended; ended happy, and on up notes as the day unfolded.

GAME CHANGE

This morning, while hanging the hummingbird feeders on the front porch, I noticed that the clouds on the northern horizon looked tinged with smoke (there have been so many wildfires the past 3 years, I’ve learned to recognize the signs); so, anticipating days on end stuck indoors, I decided to go for a morning walk before I literally can’t leave the house.

Canada wildfire smoke drifting to WA State: https://www.reuters.com/world/us/smoke-us-west-wildfires-leaves-easterners-gasping-2021-07-20/

‘Fire’ song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YzHtePuz13U

The smoke was barely discernable on the breeze, but I did have to use my inhaler after walking; so, the house air conditioner is off limits too – because though I have a heat pump/air conditioning unit that limits air-bourne irritants, it still sucks in outside air which is smoke tainted: smoke can’t really be filtered with irritant-filtering filters the way other lung irritants can.

Ditto for the car air conditioner.

But, this morning, I was able to enjoy the outdoors for a little while. And my lungs weren’t struggling too much.

Setting long-term goals; for long-term results.

One goal is ‘walking more; sitting less’ – that includes driving. Driving is a sedentary thing; and that leads to added poundage ... which leads to stress on bones, muscles, and lungs: lungs already struggling with asthma complications.

I had stopped at Lowe’s on the way to Lake Sacajawea, to check out the wall adhesive hanging hooks – I was hoping I’d find some that would securely hold the weight of the foyer mirror I want to hang. There weren’t any strong enough, so I called my BIL and asked for his help next time he comes off the mountain 😉

He thinks he may be down Friday.

I want to learn how to find the studs behind walls.

I want to become as self-sufficient as possible.

Not a day goes by, that I do not wish I had paid more attention to what Bob was doing when he was doing things around the house. People ask me if I have any regrets: that would be it. I should have dogged his every step, and watched his every move when he was doing 'husbandly' things.

I hate feeling so ignorant at times.

I hate being so needy at times.

Kerry may be coming Friday to help & to teach by demonstration.

Learning to cool my jets a bit.

A real pain in the butt ... which extends to the sole of the foot, when seriously inflamed.

Moderating my walking routine.

Changing the game some.

Bob’s physical death displaced me in my own life: and there is no way to fix this disorientation … other than to build a new life in a new place, where I have never set up house with Bob.

I need to change the game plan.

I need the change of a new location to begin my new life.

For nearly 3 years, I’ve done what Bob asked: I kept the house.

But, the house is hamstringing my life.

Its walls echo with silence … and that silence can be crippling.

The house is haunted with a life that no longer exists.

This house will never again be a haven of love, that includes Bob; it will never again resound with a child’s laughter, or vibrate with lively family exuberance.

This house is merely an empty shell of a life that used to be.

I am rarely here anymore – I sleep here; and on occasion I eat here.

But I do not {live} here.

The house has served its purpose.

Now, it’s time to move on: so, my new life can move forward.

Realistically, I know a part of me will always miss Bob in my life – no matter where I am.

And a part of me will always be searching for a sense of belonging because my entire life was blown to Hell and back by the loss of my husband … and the cruel abandonment of the kids.

I know for a fact that my wanderlust (which was always a driving force in my life; with, or without Bob in it) was pushed into overdrive because I have been forced into a life I did not ask for, and I do not want.

My life, 31 months/6 days ago, was alive and full of color.

My days and nights were fun; and passionate.

Since August 30^th of 2018 … my life has been robbed of color; and since December 14^th of 2018, the life of my life has been seriously altered.

For the past 20 months, I’ve made steady and successful inroads into my new life that has filled some of the emptiness, and softened most of the sorrow.

Daytrips have given my aching and restless spirit something to get excited about throughout the weeks of the passing months; and it has enlivened my becoming life … and I am grateful for that mercy.

But my life needs a game change to fully recharge and sizzle with life again.

As a widow, trying to move forward with yesterday’s hobbles, I do not feel that I belong, anymore, where I am currently at.

And if Bob is watching me struggle to live without him, he knows this too.

I believe Bob is supporting my decision to move on, as I move forward.

‘Because I Can’ song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ueJ7TMSYr0

Bob, in his dwindling life-on-Earth-hours, told me to live again.

He would not want me to continue struggling with the unhappiness this Park has saddled me with.

He would want me to take the profits I gain from the sale of this house and invest it in another home, in another location, that will bring me peace of spirit.

Bob knew me – he knew me well: he understands.

I will be moving forward, carrying his love with me: and I won’t feel crippled by it anymore … when I sell/load up/shake the dust off of this Park, off my feet.

What have I got to lose that I haven’t already lost?

Nothing.

Not 1 thing.

2021 has birthed several adjustments – not just the need for a new change of address.

2021 has also caused me to rethink my aging body’s needs.

The Fall/Winter of 2020 was painful (I was laid up on my back for weeks to relieve the pain), and the recurring flareups which were originally attributed to sciatica until April of this year, are forcing me to limit my movement activities. That means cutting back on hiking mileage, as well as driving distances.

It’s another adjustment in my ‘becoming’ life.

And if I don't seriously adjust to my aging body's demand ... my body will force the adjustment by applying the emergency break (aka: the piriformis muscle).

It is painful.

It is controllable.

It's an adjustment that is needed.

Adjusting to restraint is hard.

The changes are going to take some getting used to.

So, I am doing some serious reflection. Some soul searching. And some slo-mo adjustment.

When I wrapped my morning walk up, I headed to the Bank to see if Monday’s Fred Meyer fracas had been straightened out; I was geared to haul out my BadAss Card, and morph into a Tasmanian devil if my funds were still frozen.

As yu’all know, from reading my Blog over the years … I do not take kindly to hobbling, of any sort 😉

Being taken advantage of is not okay with me.

Monday, FM charged me for someone else's gas - and froze my funds until the dispute was resolved.

( https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2021/07/what-monday.html)

Even it up!

( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XLhxF-Un39k)

The Bank says my funds have been liberated again.

And tomorrow, unless the smoke is seriously bad (as in very visibly heavy in the air) I still plan on driving to Naselle tomorrow for my Coffee Hour with friends … because my lungs shouldn’t be affected much at all getting from car to house.