A LOT OF THINKING TO DO

 

GOOD things are happening 😊

It’s been a few days since I last posted: I’ve been busy turning pages in this new chapter in my new life – and filling them in/fleshing them out, with daily happenings.

Friday, I received a notification from Bob’s old Logging Union that there were finds waiting for me to claim. I was confused – we thought we had heard the last from TOC Woodworker’s years ago; so, I called them. I was told that the funds had been placed in trust for me decades ago by Bob (he was always a loving, thoughtful, and providing husband to me), and were definitely waiting to be claimed by me: and I will receive the Beneficiary funds every month for the rest of my life.

So … after I hung up, I smiled through tears as I filled the papers out – and set them aside to be notarized, and mailed off Monday.

I was sad to get the funds: they would not be in play if Bob’s physical body had not died.

I was happy to be receiving the funds: they are bittersweet reminders of Bob’s loving care for me, and my secure provision/protection without his physical presence in my life.

It’s complex.

This happy unexpected surprise gives me a bit more breathing space in the budget after the house is sold and I start a new chapter in my new life in a new locale, with a new house – and all that will require.

((((THANK YOU, BABE!)))) You may have hated living in the country; but your love is going to get me there, just the same 😉

Saturday, I surfed the internet looking at houses for sale – I didn’t see anything that appealed to me.

Sunday, I went to Fellowship; and drove the loop home … veering off at Pe Ell and coming back to Longview via Wildwood and Vader: I didn’t see any houses for sale – just plots of land.

Monday morning, I ate breakfast with David, and enjoyed a 5-hour chat session (I was surprised the waitresses that switched shifts didn’t kick us out). We talked about past times, high school days, the kids, his current family, Bob – we talked about our friendship over a period of 56 years of time! And he gave me tips on getting help (handyman services, ect.) and getting things (a riding lawn mower, ect.), that I’ll need for my new country life.

I told him what I had told Pam Sunday afternoon … I’ll still be making trips to Longview for this and that; and I’ll still want to spend time with them – they’ll just have to call me the night before to set the day and time, because getting together for Breakfast, and Supper, will take a little longer than the 5 minutes from my current house. Depending on where I kick my shoes off in the near future, it could take half an hour to an hour and a half.

Tuesday, I cleaned house like a whirling dervish – taking a brief break to drive into town to notarize my claim, and mail it off.

An honest-to-God 'horseless carriage'.

Half a tank of gas ... gas prices.

The Highlander gives me good mileage – 22 mph in town/in city, and 27 mph. on open roadway/freeway. I’m going to need that extra mileage when I move to the country; a trip “into town” will take a little longer than the 5-minute hop it is now.

The Highlander should see me well through 15 or 20 more years (or my lifespan): it’s good for 300,000 miles & it hasn’t even racked up 30,000 yet, since we bought it in 2017.

HAPPY SURPRISE & BLESSING; Bob is still providing for me 😊

As I was finishing up the floors and dusting Tuesday afternoon, I happened to glance out the kitchen window and saw a U-Haul parked in front of the pigsty next door. Apparently, tessa is finally moving.

I have been waiting for this day.

This woman, like ron cook, made our lives miserable since the day we moved into this Park, in 2017: it was constant drama that was malicious … and baseless.

Since the day ron finally moved – and I sang Hallelujah! – I have been waiting for the day tessa would also move. Now that the day has arrived, I find it to be ‘a little too little, a little too late’.

The excitement I expected to feel isn’t there.

Bob is never walking back into my life: her move won’t change that. Her finally moving, can’t assuage the emptiness to my life that her malicious immaturity and spiteful behavior has caused.

I just want to leave this Hellhole Park.

I do not want to continue living in Longview.

I want to get away from rotten people; with as much peacefulness, as possible.

I have lived in a lot of places, but I have never lived in such a mean-spirited place as Longview.

tessa is moving.

Today, I had a couple hours free before house pictures were taken this afternoon; so, I went for an early morning walk around the Lake – and did some thinking while relaxing my body.

Cooler, early morning walk; due to hot weather later today.

Very early morning - now, or not at all, today.

The Lake hike is a mile shorter than the Dike Hike.

Lake Sacajawea Trail Hike; 4 miles the way I walk it.

Dike Hike/Pacific Way Trail - 5.2 miles round trip from 48th to 30th - 2.6 miles 1-way.

Mama Duck and baby duckling.

Early morning Hen Session on the Lake mainline; LOL

Early morning Party Crashers.

Party Crashers causing a ruckus.

I have a lot of thinking to do - a new home means a lot of handyman work.

Thinking about the heating situation ...

Wood-wood; or sawdust pellets. I don't know yet.

There are going to be LARGE expenses on the new home upgrades.

The carpet debacle.

I'm hoping and praying for a 'Bidding War' that will boost my sale price.

I'm looking for a new home in 3 Counties ... a lot of footwork may be in the details.

Longview & Castle Rock; are in Cowlitz County.

Cathlamet, Skamokawa, Graysriver & Rosburg; are in Wahkiakum County.

Naselle, Bay Center, Menlo, Lebam, & Pluvius; are in Pacific County.

Pe Ell, Doty, Napavine, Boistfort, Winlock, & Vader; are in Lewis County.

Wahkiakum, Cowlitz, & Pacific Counties: are familiar to me, in regards to daily living.

Lewis County is unfamiliar in regards to daily living.

The Loop Route I drive twice a week ... and I hope to find a new home along the route.

Thinking, and walking along, I happened to catch glimpse of something hanging high, in the tree limbs: what on earth?

It looked like someone had hung a speaker from a limb.

I walked over for a closer look.

It now resembled a large bug catcher box.

What the heck is up in that tree ... it looks like a speaker; but isn't; it’s some sort of bug catcher. What kind of insect is the County trying for? This cardboard thing is HUGE.

Passing by the Lion’s Building, I noticed a garden area in the back … so I walked over to see it.

I was glad to see that some kids are learning to garden: it’s a basic life skill that will successfully enrich their lives, all of their lives.

A Teen Life Skills Garden at the Lion's Center Building.

I also noticed, as I walked along, back to the car … that 20^th Avenue was closed to traffic.

The roadway is needing repair work.

It looks like a minefield with all the ratty, pitted blacktop, and ragged potholes.

20th Avenue Overpass Closed.

It reminded me of life – my life of late.

My life needs repair work.

My life has been undermined – and on occasion, sabotaged – by destructive minefields that pitted the landscape and left ragged potholes.

But, I’ve done the best I can to patch the ratty, pitted surface of my widow life … and I’m restructuring, and resurfacing, the potholes: no cheap chip-seal job for my life! No sir!

I’m going to do a top-notch patch job that will ‘go the distance’.

The pictures were taken today: late afternoon.

The paperwork will get underway on Friday 😉

GAME CHANGE

This morning, while hanging the hummingbird feeders on the front porch, I noticed that the clouds on the northern horizon looked tinged with smoke (there have been so many wildfires the past 3 years, I’ve learned to recognize the signs); so, anticipating days on end stuck indoors, I decided to go for a morning walk before I literally can’t leave the house.

Canada wildfire smoke drifting to WA State: https://www.reuters.com/world/us/smoke-us-west-wildfires-leaves-easterners-gasping-2021-07-20/

‘Fire’ song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YzHtePuz13U

The smoke was barely discernable on the breeze, but I did have to use my inhaler after walking; so, the house air conditioner is off limits too – because though I have a heat pump/air conditioning unit that limits air-bourne irritants, it still sucks in outside air which is smoke tainted: smoke can’t really be filtered with irritant-filtering filters the way other lung irritants can.

Ditto for the car air conditioner.

But, this morning, I was able to enjoy the outdoors for a little while. And my lungs weren’t struggling too much.

Setting long-term goals; for long-term results.

One goal is ‘walking more; sitting less’ – that includes driving. Driving is a sedentary thing; and that leads to added poundage ... which leads to stress on bones, muscles, and lungs: lungs already struggling with asthma complications.

I had stopped at Lowe’s on the way to Lake Sacajawea, to check out the wall adhesive hanging hooks – I was hoping I’d find some that would securely hold the weight of the foyer mirror I want to hang. There weren’t any strong enough, so I called my BIL and asked for his help next time he comes off the mountain 😉

He thinks he may be down Friday.

I want to learn how to find the studs behind walls.

I want to become as self-sufficient as possible.

Not a day goes by, that I do not wish I had paid more attention to what Bob was doing when he was doing things around the house. People ask me if I have any regrets: that would be it. I should have dogged his every step, and watched his every move when he was doing 'husbandly' things.

I hate feeling so ignorant at times.

I hate being so needy at times.

Kerry may be coming Friday to help & to teach by demonstration.

Learning to cool my jets a bit.

A real pain in the butt ... which extends to the sole of the foot, when seriously inflamed.

Moderating my walking routine.

Changing the game some.

Bob’s physical death displaced me in my own life: and there is no way to fix this disorientation … other than to build a new life in a new place, where I have never set up house with Bob.

I need to change the game plan.

I need the change of a new location to begin my new life.

For nearly 3 years, I’ve done what Bob asked: I kept the house.

But, the house is hamstringing my life.

Its walls echo with silence … and that silence can be crippling.

The house is haunted with a life that no longer exists.

This house will never again be a haven of love, that includes Bob; it will never again resound with a child’s laughter, or vibrate with lively family exuberance.

This house is merely an empty shell of a life that used to be.

I am rarely here anymore – I sleep here; and on occasion I eat here.

But I do not {live} here.

The house has served its purpose.

Now, it’s time to move on: so, my new life can move forward.

Realistically, I know a part of me will always miss Bob in my life – no matter where I am.

And a part of me will always be searching for a sense of belonging because my entire life was blown to Hell and back by the loss of my husband … and the cruel abandonment of the kids.

I know for a fact that my wanderlust (which was always a driving force in my life; with, or without Bob in it) was pushed into overdrive because I have been forced into a life I did not ask for, and I do not want.

My life, 31 months/6 days ago, was alive and full of color.

My days and nights were fun; and passionate.

Since August 30^th of 2018 … my life has been robbed of color; and since December 14^th of 2018, the life of my life has been seriously altered.

For the past 20 months, I’ve made steady and successful inroads into my new life that has filled some of the emptiness, and softened most of the sorrow.

Daytrips have given my aching and restless spirit something to get excited about throughout the weeks of the passing months; and it has enlivened my becoming life … and I am grateful for that mercy.

But my life needs a game change to fully recharge and sizzle with life again.

As a widow, trying to move forward with yesterday’s hobbles, I do not feel that I belong, anymore, where I am currently at.

And if Bob is watching me struggle to live without him, he knows this too.

I believe Bob is supporting my decision to move on, as I move forward.

‘Because I Can’ song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ueJ7TMSYr0

Bob, in his dwindling life-on-Earth-hours, told me to live again.

He would not want me to continue struggling with the unhappiness this Park has saddled me with.

He would want me to take the profits I gain from the sale of this house and invest it in another home, in another location, that will bring me peace of spirit.

Bob knew me – he knew me well: he understands.

I will be moving forward, carrying his love with me: and I won’t feel crippled by it anymore … when I sell/load up/shake the dust off of this Park, off my feet.

What have I got to lose that I haven’t already lost?

Nothing.

Not 1 thing.

2021 has birthed several adjustments – not just the need for a new change of address.

2021 has also caused me to rethink my aging body’s needs.

The Fall/Winter of 2020 was painful (I was laid up on my back for weeks to relieve the pain), and the recurring flareups which were originally attributed to sciatica until April of this year, are forcing me to limit my movement activities. That means cutting back on hiking mileage, as well as driving distances.

It’s another adjustment in my ‘becoming’ life.

And if I don't seriously adjust to my aging body's demand ... my body will force the adjustment by applying the emergency break (aka: the piriformis muscle).

It is painful.

It is controllable.

It's an adjustment that is needed.

Adjusting to restraint is hard.

The changes are going to take some getting used to.

So, I am doing some serious reflection. Some soul searching. And some slo-mo adjustment.

When I wrapped my morning walk up, I headed to the Bank to see if Monday’s Fred Meyer fracas had been straightened out; I was geared to haul out my BadAss Card, and morph into a Tasmanian devil if my funds were still frozen.

As yu’all know, from reading my Blog over the years … I do not take kindly to hobbling, of any sort 😉

Being taken advantage of is not okay with me.

Monday, FM charged me for someone else's gas - and froze my funds until the dispute was resolved.

( https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2021/07/what-monday.html)

Even it up!

( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XLhxF-Un39k)

The Bank says my funds have been liberated again.

And tomorrow, unless the smoke is seriously bad (as in very visibly heavy in the air) I still plan on driving to Naselle tomorrow for my Coffee Hour with friends … because my lungs shouldn’t be affected much at all getting from car to house.