“Therefore, we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, yet our inner self is being renewed day by day." (2 Corinthians 4:16)
Last night, I slept on my husband’s side of the bed – I have been alternating his side/my side for a few months now, and the last thing I thought before the sandman helped me drift off to sleep was, ‘tonight I am sleeping on my husband’s side of the bed wishing he were here with me … and this time last year, I was standing by the side of my husband’s hospital bed holding his hand, watching him breathe, and wishing he weren’t leaving me’.
Last year, today, was a rough morning; I played a lot of inspirational music throughout the day, for Bob. It soothed. Bob was partial to southern gospel music. I chose songs that would strengthen his spirit for the journey ahead.
Last year, on this morning - today, my poor Babe had a rough go of things since his MRI the previous night; the staff at OHSU had gotten to it late, and it was a hassle from the get-go; all morning long, Bob struggled with unrelenting nausea. Watching him struggle with the nausea and vomit nonstop had me struggling to keep my temper. I wished the Team would just DO whatever they intended to do … without any more tests. Bob had had enough testing, blood drawing, Xrays, scans, and ultrasound imaging at Peace Health hospital back home to last him a lifetime. I just wanted things moving forward, and done. And it seemed to me that the ‘highly educated’ and ‘top of the line’ people at OHSU were just behaving like regular folk doing regular things. It was frustrating for me to watch, and hard for Bob to deal with in his fragile condition.
Around 1:44 in the afternoon, Dr. Yip stopped in to give us his educated assessment on Bob’s condition given the results of the MRI and following testings. It was not encouraging. Dr. Yip informed us that Bob would have to undergo a procedure ‘to remove most of his pancreas, due to dead tissue’. The sad condition of his pancreas is why Bob was in so much pain and had so much trouble keeping anything down. Dr. Yip also told us that it is assumed that Bob’s situation is a heredity issue since there were no other indicators as to why Bob was suddenly struck with this affliction in August. Apparently, where there is familial history of gall stones and diabetes, pancreatitis will also raise its ugly head. Bob’s siblings have all suffered with gall stones; and his dad was a diabetic. Bob's sister, Bonnie, also deals with pancreatitis - we did not know that then.
Would that information have helped? Who knows. It doesn't matter now ... and Bob wouldn't have wanted to live his life in the "what if" fear of the situation, anyway.
Would that information have helped? Who knows. It doesn't matter now ... and Bob wouldn't have wanted to live his life in the "what if" fear of the situation, anyway.
After that informative speech, Bob was shell shocked, and I couldn’t stop crying. The news was not at all what we were anticipating, or hoping for. The hope held out to us when we arrived at OHSU was no longer in play.
But, through it all, we continued to lean on Elohei, trust in Yeshua, and rely on The Ruach Ha’Kodesh. In this we were unshakable though all other ground was being shaken.
So, I set the ipod up and filled our immediate space in his private room with music he enjoyed that lifted our souls and buoyed our spirits. These are the songs I played for Bob - today, last year ... and I listen to them still; and am renewed day by day.
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