I
read a recent post – posted today; posted to a widow’s group by a contemplative
widow.
I’ve
taken the liberty of replying to her queries: and posting those replies here,
on my Blog spot, because I feel both the questions – and my replies – will help
me forge ahead in this unfolding new year.
Q: Do you ever wonder if, instead of him … it had been you?
A: No. Until I had been ‘left behind’, it never occurred to me that
we’d not “go together”.
Bob
and I are both strong Christians. We believe and adhered to what Scripture taught.
Bob had died a second time in the Fall of 1981 … and we discussed the
possibility of death since then: doctors never did find out why he died and was
divinely resurrected in 1981, so subsequent death was always a distinct possibility.
But given what is happening in the world, we also assumed that at any given
time, we may be called Home together – either by rapturous ascension as Yeshua
exampled; or by having our heads lopped off by rabid muslims determined to rid
the world of Jews/Jew-loving Christians: Bob and I fit that scenario. I am a
Jew, both in DNA and in the Christianity Yeshua birthed 2022 years ago. Bob was
my gentile husband, and he loved me. We fit the head-lopping scenario, and
fully expected it to be played out in out lifetimes. Especially since the
obamanite coup of 2009 … and forward.
So,
when the out-of-nowhere terminal diagnosis was given us that fateful August
afternoon of 2018, we were both momentarily stunned.
And, we both knew what the progression of our family’s
collective reactions would have been; had the fatal diagnosis been for me,
instead of for him.
Bob
would not have been left alone. At any time.
Bob
would never have been left alone to contend with the aftermath of my absence.
His siblings, who live locally, would have surrounded him with smothering
comfort: and his children – who live out-of-state, would have worn grooves in
the road surfaces to keep an eye on their dad. To make sure he was cocooned in
deliberate actions of loving concern.
Bob
would have been kept informed of everyone’s lives. Family, on all sides, would
have stayed close – respectful of his advice and wisdom gleaned over the decades.
It’s
hard to imagine the “what if’s” of my husband when he suddenly found himself
single again. At the time of his passing from this life to the next, he was 69
years old. I was 62 years old – there is a 7-year age gap. A seven-year age gap,
and how aging men and aging women are perceived by the general public
makes a difference in moving forward.
Q: Would he have downsized and moved away, gave my clothing and household
items away, or exchanged the SUV for a pickup truck?
A: I don’t know. Bob always preferred living in Longview (with
his first wife; and later, with me), plus he has siblings that live here,
too. He may have trashed my clothing (I’m the only ‘short-crotch’ in the
entire family, both sides), but he would probably keep the household items –
Bob knew how to cook, sew, clean house: he didn’t marry me to do what he could
do for himself. He may have switched the Highlander for a pickup; he would get
more head room in a truck (the SUV was for my stature benefit). Bob was
always a pickup man.
Q: Would he have met someone else, gotten married, and taken on
another life altogether?
A: Probably. Bob had no trouble getting female attention (99% of
the time, he was unaware of the unsolicited attention); and Bob was a
marrying man – a free-wheeling bachelor life was not something Bob ever
entertained. I would have been encouraging Bob, and applauding his choice
from beyond the clouds. Bob’s happiness and well-being was always my choice for
him.
Q: Would he have honored my memory with luminaries, missed me,
cried for me, written letters to me, tried to figure out where I went after I
took my last breath, gone to counseling, or joined a widower’s support group,
looked up at the sky for signs that I was still apparent in some new way,
wondered if I still loved him?
A: No – to 7 of the above queries; and yes to 2 of them. Bob would
have missed me, and I believe he would have cried for me – for a short while.
Bob was a pragmatic man … he didn't spend too much spinning wheels, and would have gotten on with his life in short
order; with only the help of a few close friends.
And
that’s what he wanted for me, too. My heart is just taking a bit longer. I
loved Bob 7 years longer than he loved me. And, in all honesty, perhaps a
bit deeper, too. That reasoning does not hurt me: it’s just a fact. While I
never had reason, in our 44 years together to doubt Bob loved me, Bob had been
married once before he married me; I had never pledged love to anyone but to Bob.
Bob
would have known (as I did when his spirit left his earthen vessel),
that my spirit would have passed immediately into Heaven with Yeshua. He would have
been joyful for me. And Bob never had to question my love for him … while here
on Earth, or high above. Bob would have known my love for him to be unchangeable.
Q: Would he have kept family traditions alive, tried to connect
with his children/grandchildren, try to see them and be with them in their
busy lives? Would he worry about them, or would he have looked at them and
thought ‘they look fine to me … having fun with their friends … they will be
okay without a mom’ …?
A: Yes – to all the above queries.
Q: Would Bob had made small goals to keep the shrinking patchwork
of remaining family together and cried at night when he could not see it was
not working … that my death changed e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g?
A: No – to all the above queries: there would have been no shrinking
patchwork. My death would not have made any difference in anyone’s life, except
my husband’s. The family nucleus of Bob’s life sans me would more than likely,
been more cohesive.
This
reality quickly became a reality in my life sans Bob. When I say that I am Solo
Lobo – I mean that in all its glaring obviousness (links of family unity
were sharply severed by said ‘family nucleus’). I’ve adjusted, and am moving
forward in my new life accordingly.
Q: And covid … how would he have handled covid? Would Bob have
gotten a vaccine, worn a mask, or stayed home for days on end? Would he have
railed on social media about everything wrong in the world and then disengage
from his more liberal friends and children when they expressed their own minds
and perspectives?
A: I think that on one hand, Bob would shake his head like I do at
the obamanite covid insanity that appears to dominate everything we say and do
in America. On the other hand, I also think Bob would have worn a mask, gotten
the vaccine … and stayed home for days on end: he would have stayed home for
days on end because he actually preferred to be a sedentary type of person – he
only activated himself when he could see I needed to escape the squeeze of 4-walls,
and ‘get out of Dodge’.
Bob
also wasn’t one for social media interaction (that is more my thing; and
that thing may be falling by the wayside, in the present).
Bob
was a ‘people magnet’, and he got along with everyone – no matter their personal
beliefs. And like me, he refused to see skin color; and didn’t engage in hate-filled
racial rhetoric. If someone got combative, he’d just get up and leave. And he didn’t
argue religion, or politics, with anyone; not even with me.
Like
the author of the original post, I used to ask these questions, too.
For
24 months I asked myself these questions. Trying to make sense of a shattered
life that no longer exists; trying to hold a family together after our jointly
held life folded in on itself after his spirit left us.
Watching
from the sidelines as people we knew together … separated themselves, and deliberately
physically and emotionally moved away – as if he was the only person who
mattered within the family nucleus. Placing me on the sidelines: out of the game.
Permanently.
Nothing
in my life today resembles that life with the love of my life, anymore.
And
even though I knew Bob better than anyone else, having lived/closely shared
every aspect of life with him for 44 years: perhaps Bob – if I had gone first –
would contradict every answer I replied to the author’s questions. Bob
was, after all, his own person.
There
is no one way to travel widowhood for man or woman. There is no accurate
roadmap. Every conceivable twist and turn on that lonesome journey is uniquely
individualized. Assumptions are ditched. Other people’s directions do not
include unforeseen potholes or sudden grief surges that have you swerving to
avoid a head-on collision with grief’s haloing effects.
So, the conclusion to the author’s queries is this: ‘What if it
had been me? What if it had been you?’ is an aimless looping rabbit trail to
venture into.
There
is no way to know how things may have turned out, given a turn of fate.
What is IS.
What could have been
is unknown.
What
has happened, has catapulted us into a life we did not see being shifted for us.
What
becomes of our New Life is determined by the choices we make in the here and
now.
We
can get lost in the what if’s and stagnate … or, we can walk out of the chaos
and rebuild a new life, remembering the good to buoy us in the turbulent waves
that still rock our world … as we confidently set sail towards a relatively
safe harbor on the horizon.
Confidently
and boldly sailing forward into an everchanging and unpredictable New Life is the heading of my 2022 Log Book 😉
