FORWARD THOUGHTS FOR A NEW DAY ~ 2022

I read a recent post – posted today; posted to a widow’s group by a contemplative widow.

I’ve taken the liberty of replying to her queries: and posting those replies here, on my Blog spot, because I feel both the questions – and my replies – will help me forge ahead in this unfolding new year.

Q: Do you ever wonder if, instead of him … it had been you?

A: No. Until I had been ‘left behind’, it never occurred to me that we’d not “go together”.

Bob and I are both strong Christians. We believe and adhered to what Scripture taught. Bob had died a second time in the Fall of 1981 … and we discussed the possibility of death since then: doctors never did find out why he died and was divinely resurrected in 1981, so subsequent death was always a distinct possibility. But given what is happening in the world, we also assumed that at any given time, we may be called Home together – either by rapturous ascension as Yeshua exampled; or by having our heads lopped off by rabid muslims determined to rid the world of Jews/Jew-loving Christians: Bob and I fit that scenario. I am a Jew, both in DNA and in the Christianity Yeshua birthed 2022 years ago. Bob was my gentile husband, and he loved me. We fit the head-lopping scenario, and fully expected it to be played out in out lifetimes. Especially since the obamanite coup of 2009 … and forward.

So, when the out-of-nowhere terminal diagnosis was given us that fateful August afternoon of 2018, we were both momentarily stunned.

And, we both knew what the progression of our family’s collective reactions would have been; had the fatal diagnosis been for me, instead of for him.

Bob would not have been left alone. At any time.

Bob would never have been left alone to contend with the aftermath of my absence. His siblings, who live locally, would have surrounded him with smothering comfort: and his children – who live out-of-state, would have worn grooves in the road surfaces to keep an eye on their dad. To make sure he was cocooned in deliberate actions of loving concern.

Bob would have been kept informed of everyone’s lives. Family, on all sides, would have stayed close – respectful of his advice and wisdom gleaned over the decades.

It’s hard to imagine the “what if’s” of my husband when he suddenly found himself single again. At the time of his passing from this life to the next, he was 69 years old. I was 62 years old – there is a 7-year age gap. A seven-year age gap, and how aging men and aging women are perceived by the general public makes a difference in moving forward.

Q: Would he have downsized and moved away, gave my clothing and household items away, or exchanged the SUV for a pickup truck?

A: I don’t know. Bob always preferred living in Longview (with his first wife; and later, with me), plus he has siblings that live here, too. He may have trashed my clothing (I’m the only ‘short-crotch’ in the entire family, both sides), but he would probably keep the household items – Bob knew how to cook, sew, clean house: he didn’t marry me to do what he could do for himself. He may have switched the Highlander for a pickup; he would get more head room in a truck (the SUV was for my stature benefit). Bob was always a pickup man.

Q: Would he have met someone else, gotten married, and taken on another life altogether?

A: Probably. Bob had no trouble getting female attention (99% of the time, he was unaware of the unsolicited attention); and Bob was a marrying man – a free-wheeling bachelor life was not something Bob ever entertained. I would have been encouraging Bob, and applauding his choice from beyond the clouds. Bob’s happiness and well-being was always my choice for him.

Q: Would he have honored my memory with luminaries, missed me, cried for me, written letters to me, tried to figure out where I went after I took my last breath, gone to counseling, or joined a widower’s support group, looked up at the sky for signs that I was still apparent in some new way, wondered if I still loved him?

A: No – to 7 of the above queries; and yes to 2 of them. Bob would have missed me, and I believe he would have cried for me – for a short while. Bob was a pragmatic man … he didn't spend too much spinning wheels, and would have gotten on with his life in short order; with only the help of a few close friends.

And that’s what he wanted for me, too. My heart is just taking a bit longer. I loved Bob 7 years longer than he loved me. And, in all honesty, perhaps a bit deeper, too. That reasoning does not hurt me: it’s just a fact. While I never had reason, in our 44 years together to doubt Bob loved me, Bob had been married once before he married me; I had never pledged love to anyone but to Bob.

Bob would have known (as I did when his spirit left his earthen vessel), that my spirit would have passed immediately into Heaven with Yeshua. He would have been joyful for me. And Bob never had to question my love for him … while here on Earth, or high above. Bob would have known my love for him to be unchangeable.

Q: Would he have kept family traditions alive, tried to connect with his children/grandchildren, try to see them and be with them in their busy lives? Would he worry about them, or would he have looked at them and thought ‘they look fine to me … having fun with their friends … they will be okay without a mom’ …?

A: Yes – to all the above queries.

Q: Would Bob had made small goals to keep the shrinking patchwork of remaining family together and cried at night when he could not see it was not working … that my death changed e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g?

A: No – to all the above queries: there would have been no shrinking patchwork. My death would not have made any difference in anyone’s life, except my husband’s. The family nucleus of Bob’s life sans me would more than likely, been more cohesive.

This reality quickly became a reality in my life sans Bob. When I say that I am Solo Lobo – I mean that in all its glaring obviousness (links of family unity were sharply severed by said ‘family nucleus’). I’ve adjusted, and am moving forward in my new life accordingly.

Q: And covid … how would he have handled covid? Would Bob have gotten a vaccine, worn a mask, or stayed home for days on end? Would he have railed on social media about everything wrong in the world and then disengage from his more liberal friends and children when they expressed their own minds and perspectives?

A: I think that on one hand, Bob would shake his head like I do at the obamanite covid insanity that appears to dominate everything we say and do in America. On the other hand, I also think Bob would have worn a mask, gotten the vaccine … and stayed home for days on end: he would have stayed home for days on end because he actually preferred to be a sedentary type of person – he only activated himself when he could see I needed to escape the squeeze of 4-walls, and ‘get out of Dodge’.

Bob also wasn’t one for social media interaction (that is more my thing; and that thing may be falling by the wayside, in the present).

Bob was a ‘people magnet’, and he got along with everyone – no matter their personal beliefs. And like me, he refused to see skin color; and didn’t engage in hate-filled racial rhetoric. If someone got combative, he’d just get up and leave. And he didn’t argue religion, or politics, with anyone; not even with me.

Like the author of the original post, I used to ask these questions, too.

For 24 months I asked myself these questions. Trying to make sense of a shattered life that no longer exists; trying to hold a family together after our jointly held life folded in on itself after his spirit left us.

Watching from the sidelines as people we knew together … separated themselves, and deliberately physically and emotionally moved away – as if he was the only person who mattered within the family nucleus. Placing me on the sidelines: out of the game. Permanently.

Nothing in my life today resembles that life with the love of my life, anymore.

And even though I knew Bob better than anyone else, having lived/closely shared every aspect of life with him for 44 years: perhaps Bob – if I had gone first – would contradict every answer I replied to the author’s questions. Bob was, after all, his own person.

There is no one way to travel widowhood for man or woman. There is no accurate roadmap. Every conceivable twist and turn on that lonesome journey is uniquely individualized. Assumptions are ditched. Other people’s directions do not include unforeseen potholes or sudden grief surges that have you swerving to avoid a head-on collision with grief’s haloing effects.

So, the conclusion to the author’s queries is this: ‘What if it had been me? What if it had been you?’ is an aimless looping rabbit trail to venture into.

There is no way to know how things may have turned out, given a turn of fate.

What is IS.

What could have been is unknown.

What has happened, has catapulted us into a life we did not see being shifted for us.

What becomes of our New Life is determined by the choices we make in the here and now.

We can get lost in the what if’s and stagnate … or, we can walk out of the chaos and rebuild a new life, remembering the good to buoy us in the turbulent waves that still rock our world … as we confidently set sail towards a relatively safe harbor on the horizon.

Confidently and boldly sailing forward into an everchanging and unpredictable New Life is the heading of my 2022 Log Book 😉