BRING ON THE BOOKS

Once again, I have reached my peopling level – I have to back out of socializing for a while. Though all the socializing I am doing in through social media … I just can’t do it anymore, right now.

It’s the holiday season, and it is showing with all the rude behaviors and insensitive actions that an oppressive lockdown can breed in society.

I just can’t people right now. 

And I need to rethink some of the Groups I have joined over the months; some of them really have become very antagonistic and unkind. Most are crankily godless in character, and those who claim to be Christian … are anything BUT: they fully embrace the world, and a cranky worldview.

I don’t need that right now.

I unsubbed from 2 of the last night – it felt good; I felt liberated. I need a forum in which I can be free to express me. I’m not very good at being intentionally stepped on … or tethered.

And in all honesty, most Groups are started by people who really don’t fit in (they have a bone to pick with life in general)/start a Group they claim is inclusive (as long as everyone views life through their lens)/run the Group like a dictator (demands absolute submission to dictates)/eventually end up with a bunch of robots (other people scared to be cast adrift because they don’t fit in either).

I KNOW THIS: I’ve been on and off social media for 16 years.

None of that works for me.

Once in a while I connect with a group … but that’s pretty rare. And some, like the two I left last night, have become battlegrounds since the covid madness.

I don’t want caught up in that.

So, it’s time to start rethinking, rearranging, regrouping, and restructuring.

Yesterday was a hard day.

I woke up in a lot of pain; and I had a fella from Cole’s Appliances Repair coming to the house anywhere between 1 PM and 5 PM.

I needed prayer support; I live by prayer.

Big time.

I posted a prayer request on my personal FB Page – and on a few Groups (not on all; because all do not allow videos): oh, boy! BIG MISTAKE!

This lower shin bone pain is like nothing I have ever felt before; it is like a fire in my bone. IT FREAKING HURTS.

Some did do as I asked; I am thankful.

Some gave unsolicited advice – based on their own fears that were triggered.

Some took offense at the very suggestion of prayer over science … again, overreacting.

Some Group moderators removed the post entirely stating “no self-promotion is allowed”.

When did asking for prayer and saying 'thank you', become self-promotion???

Very few read what I had posted with the vid; very few actually paid attention to the situation.

99% were more concerned with their own opinions and conclusions as to what the problem could be, and how I should best deal with it.

After repeating time and time and time again, that I had seen a doctor – was diagnosed with sciatica pain (I have always dealt with arthritis, even as a kid); and was doing what I am supposed to be doing … people were still pushing their agenda as to what I should do.

The message came through loud and clear: they thought they knew me better than me.

I do not have a blood clot! It is arthritis and sciatica pain. Sorry to sound snappy, but my leg hurt; and I was tired of repeating myself.

When I replied that I did not have a blood clot, as everyone seemed to think I should have to ease their minds … I was told that I should not be frustrated by all the voiced concern of the replier’s, but {understand} they meant well.

Really???

How many times do I have to repeat that I know what I am suffering with and I do not have a blood clot? That I have seen a doctor, and am now asking for prayer, also?

The lack of understanding was not on my end!

It was unbelievable.

Next time, I will stick to posting my requests on my personal Page where people actually know me; and know what I am asking help for.

I had woken up in pain. Even so, I cleared the sink undercabinet to make the fella’s job a little easier for him; that task took all of 2 minutes, but that was all my left leg could tolerate before it spasmed, seized up, and forced me to lie down again.

I was in mass pain, asking for help (asking for help does not come easy to me!) because I had a fella coming to the house; and I needed to be able to stand on my sore leg long enough for him to dink around locating the problem, listen to him tell me what the issue with my dishwasher is and what needs fixing, and pay him … I had no idea how long that will take … and I was taken to task and told to shore others up so they don’t get their feelings hurt.

It was unbelievable.

In Groups that put themselves forward as “understanding” & “helpful”; “empathetic”, “encouraging”, “supportive”, and “non-judgmental”.

I won’t be making that mistake again.

Lesson learned, forgiveness employed: and moving on.

The fells from Cole’s did come around 5 PM; gave an assessment of what the problem could be – got right on it, explained everything to me as he worked; and replaced the culprit 😉

The fella from Cole's came around 5 PM.

Longview water calcium build-up showing strongly.

Removal of water valve that feeds from water source to dishwasher. I like that he explained everything to me with patience.

Apparently, this water valve fixture goes out on an average of once a year ... mine lasted since Fall 2017.

Before the fella left, he put the dishwasher through a cycle, and we both hoped I’d wake up to a dry floor in the morning 😊 If the floor is dry in the morning, it’s fixed; if not, he’d have to come back and dig deeper into the issue.

After he left, I went back to the bedroom and laid down; thankful that though my leg did hurt and start to seize with the pain, I was able to stand and pay attention without gritting my teeth too hard (a total of 15 minutes; the fix was speedy). I started, and finished, reading a book ... ate a quick bowl of Top Ramen/drank some ginger-water; and went to sleep praying the issue had finally been resolved.

New read ... finished it in 7 hours.

Ginger water with pureed ginger I had made mnths ago and froze in 1 tsp. portions.(https://www.naturallivingideas.com/ginger-water-benefits/)

This morning I woke up to a dry floor; and it has been dry, all day long.

((((HALLEJUAH!))))

I feel very thankful and blessed; I feel Yeshua has been looking out for me, as I do not think I would have been able to deal with this issue earlier in this 23¾ month timespan of constant upheavals and life adjustments.

If, in 12 months the piece goes out again … I know who to call, and how much $$$ to set aside (I did have it available, yesterday, thank God 😉).

Tonight, I am reflecting on the time that has passed since Bob left Earth in order to expand my shrunken world: I’m looking towards better days and wider horizons.

People can come along for the ride … or they can get out of my way.

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/12/bob-me-then-n-now.html)

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/12/such-short-period-of-time.html)

Today, I was able to make it 'til 4 PM before using any Ibuprofen - and that's a big deal - so, while my body is healing, I’m steadily working my way through the books I bought this Summer 😉 

CHRISTMAS STAR

A wondrous event will be taking place in the heavens on December 21^st, this year: a star, not seen in 800 years will be shining brightly.

Star of Bethlehem

(https://www.popsugar.com/smart-living/jupiter-saturn-christmas-star-48024008?fbclid=IwAR09gDukvyuVbbEvplrBaIJLFucWXOHo5a1aCyVGu8W7bUSgTKgIAc77FJ8)

What a wonderful birthday gift from my Husband, Yeshua 😊. 

I am marking the day on my calendar.

I will be looking for it.

The Star of Bethlehem is a Star of Promise.

I want to feel the promise.

I want to know that 2021 has a hope and a prayer of promise, despite all the forces of Hell gathering in DC to thwart hope and promise.

I want to feel hope that I can get back to some semblance of normalcy on every level of my life.

Hoping my prayers will be answered, soon.

The missingness of Bob adds to the bodily pain: spiritual and physical health is intertwined – I know this.

I’m a lot better today than I was yesterday.

But I can be a lot better tomorrow.

I am actively pursuing “betterness” (is that an actual word?): doesn’t matter – I am moving toward it. And as soon as I can stand/walk on my leg without pain, I am going to run after it 😉

I want to embrace all the promises Elohei will be unfolding for my new life momentum with the dawning of 2021.

Meanwhile, today … my niece, who is like a second daughter to me, texted me early this morning to ask how I am doing; that’s a tricky question – I am doing better than I was in 2018; and I’ve grown on many levels of my new life throughout 2019 & 2020. But, I'm a long way from "there" yet.

This afternoon, I peeked back at how I was dealing with today, 2 years running:

TODAY, LAST YEAR (https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/12/trying-to-be-festive-in-nightmare.html)

Thinking on those 106 days that led to this particular week of 2018, also prodded me in another direction for my own life in 2020 and forward – I’ve got to start being more careful with my body. Not in a paranoid manner of thinking; freaked out about “what if”s, but in a realistic and logical manner. Generally, I am pretty careful, but this episode with my back and leg is prompting me to be a little more careful.

My hip and leg are still not up to speed.

I still cannot put my full weight on it for any significant length of time. I have got to be able to drive into town and take care of business once I get there – that will take longer than 45 minutes

In town, grocery shopping/paying bills in a time crunch/standing in line at the Post Office … ect. … will take a significant amount of time.

The thought is concerning.

Laying flat on my back; except for those painful excursions around the house to keep my hip and leg in motion so it stays flexible, has kicked my thoughts in play; regarding what options are open to me if I fell and injured myself. There are times, like this morning, when my leg muscles spasm and I feel like it really could give out on me. That had actually happened with Bob more than once – and I was there to help him back up.

But I am alone here. 

(https://www.lyrics.com/lyric/29428245/De+La+Soul/Tread+Water)

There are people who do come when I reach out and ask for help – but they go back home, to their homes: they cannot stay until things even up and pick up.

It is not the same as having someone who has made a commitment to stand by you through thick and thin; someone who is fully involved, and interested in my personal welfare 24/7.

Bob was my someone: and Bob is no longer here.

I am, once again, on my own – and totally reliant on my own means.

3 weeks may not seem like a long time, but it is a long time to be unable to do much on my feet for more than a half hour. This lay-up has made me feel the full depth of being alone – and semi-helpless.

There was comfort, and safety, in knowing that Bob was at hand for me (as I was for him); to give comfort in times of limiting physical suffering.

There was the serene security of knowing I did not have to face difficult situations totally on my own.

Young people don’t have to think so hard about stuff like this.

People my age, do.

I have a life ahead of me to live.

I will live it with courageous confidence.

I will be searching for the Christmas Star shine 😉

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r6RMIBVa5Pw)

2020 ~ THE YEAR THAT SUCKED

2018 was a life changer.

2018 started out very good … and ended very bad (kinda).

Bad for me; good for Bob. 

Bob went home beyond the clouds.

I am left to walk Earth alone; beneath gray, heavy clouds.

The gray heavy clouds of 2020 that hover over my personal life; have not left me drowning in memories like I was the months of my 2019 widow walk …

OUR FIRST CHRISTMAS TOGETHER (https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/12/our-first-christmas-together.html)

WHO AM I BLOG POST (https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/12/who-am-i.html)

PROMISE UNKEPT (https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/12/the-charlie-daniels-band-christmas-time.html)

OUR NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS REVISITED (https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/12/our-nightmare-before-christmas-revisited.html)

 … and truthfully: most of 2020 has really been good for me emotionally and physically. The people that shafted me, and eventually threw me under the proverbial bus – did me a favor by liberating me. 99% of the life I had with Bob has been erased as if it never happened: I had to learn to stand alone, again. And I think I’ve done a phenomenal job of it 😉

I was able to stand because Elohim always had my back; Yeshua comforted me, and He made sure to have people cross my path that would be good for my growth.

I do not apologize to anyone for my Faith.

I do not insist people believe, but I do insist they respect my choice to believe.

If not for Elohei, I would not have survived Bob’s graduation – the loss of Bob in my life was that intense. Bob and I, both, steadfastly held onto our faith the entire 106 days of those very hard days to live the end of 2018 … and after December 14^th, Yeshua held me up 10 months following; while I learned to walk solo lobo. Elohim kept me focused and balanced – Yeshua healed and soothed me – and the Ruach Ha’Kodesh encouraged me with The Word of wisdom and knowledge.

Without God, I would have folded and flew apart into a million pieces, never to be whole again.

I said goodbye to my husband in December 2018.

It feels like a whole lifetime has passed since Bob’s spirit left Earth; yet, in some ways, it feels like December 14^th, happened yesterday. Both realities are my today. 

I wrote about our life together, all of 2019. My first year without Bob seemed very surreal, and a sterile place, without him in it.

I needed the infusing memories to help breathe life back into my life.

 

It was healing – it was necessary.

Memories are still healing.

Memories are still necessary.

I don’t know how long this will last.

But I do know that no one else gets to decide.

No one else gets to decide for me how I heal; no on else gets to decide for me when I “move forward” … or how I move forward.

The fact that I am moving forward, should be enough.

I like to rejoice in the memory of my husband; Bob was the greatest blessing of my life. I am honored that Elohim granted me my greatest wish to have my greatest love in my life for 44 years of my 64 years (64 years old, December 29^th 😉).

I like to write about who he was, and what he meant to me: and to others his life touched. I do not think I am “stuck in deep grief”, because my writing does not ooze inconsolable mourning – I never mourned Bob: I know where he is. I know he is happy, and his spirit is housed in a healthy body now, that will never decay.

I miss Bob.

Missing, is different than mourning.

Missing is different than grieving.

Missing, is remembering and moving forward: jointly.

Grieving is stagnating: dying on the vine.

I like to laugh when I remember some of his quirks and silly moments.

I like to remember his gentle ways and his quiet wisdom; his strength of character.

I like to reflect on all the ways Bob, and his unconditional love enriched my world then … and is enriching my word now.

I feel close to him again, when I share him in my writings.

The bulk of 2020 really has been very good for me.

Even though demonrats made life very HARD.

Even though 2020 sucked on every level.

I'm a fighter - I don't know how to be a patsy.

Suckiness made me utilize my badass card.

I grew in ways I did not know I could.

I learned to enjoy a new life focus.

Even though 2020 sucked.

But, the wanning of 2020 has not been so easy. The past 3 weeks with this bum hip/leg have been rough – and I don’t expect things to get better until January sometime; and that’s a crap shoot hope, at this point given my physical limitations unless Elohim heals me; and the obama-clinton-biden-pelosi-harris coup is rushed forward by throwing the race card down again (if that actually happen, all bets are off: we are all screwed – with or without our expressed permission). Covid is losing its appeal to the masses (people are fighting back), and all the demonrats have left to whip The People with is manufactured Trump-hate, and manipulated racism … that seems to be as loosey-goosey as covid: every medical ailment that can wrong with the body is being recorded as covid-related; and everything that can go wrong with society is recorded as Trump’s fault, and systemic racism (of course, black muslim racism towards Jews and Caucasians is applauded as ‘justifiable’ by the obamanites).

It’s all insanity, but insanity appears to fly when people lose their common sense and rational thinking abilities to fear.

Gray heavy clouds that hang over my immediate Winter shifting region of the PNW: the weather is chilling, the river winds are brutal, and the sky looks as angry as the people walking the earth beneath it …

ARE WE ON THE BRINK OF A CIVIL WAR? (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PlAsRyItsZU)

Gray heavy political clouds moving in and trying to suffocate The People of this great Nation, and Republic of America.

Looked at logically, the ‘escalating numbers’ don’t look scary to anyone with a working brain cell …

And gray heavy clouds settling over my local area, as businesses are thrown back into ridiculous and useless mandates by power-drunk mayors and governors … and the road ‘project’ on Delameter drags on and on due to the covid ridiculousness. That shoddy road work began a year ago; and it is still a muddy mess because the mandates never end: politics hampers that area of life also.

2020 has been the year that sucked from start to finish.

Everyone was making light of the covid restrictions – most were adhering to the strict government overreach (I was not: I employ freedom, always). When the restrictions were somewhat relaxed, people started getting out and laughing again: I was happy to see friend’s faces again 😊

Then, obama's 3rd coup set in, and obaminite governors started slapping mandates down again, and arresting business owners that defied their demands … these same governors screamed for getting rid of the police to satisfy the black lives matters racists that pretty much destroyed business across America (setting fires, breaking windows, open theft – violent murders) … BUT they demanded police carry out their orders to arrest business owners and lock the doors of businesses that refused to close their doors to customers who wanted to sit down to a peaceful Supper and enjoy friendly companionship.

Spiffy’s stands against insleeze – I FULLY SUPPORT SPIFFY’S – this is a good place to eat, off the freeway; and the region is a good place to daytrip. If I was not laid up, I’d be there myself, joining the protest:

http://www.chronline.com/community/spiffy-s-becomes-lightning-rod-for-protest-of-state-s-covid-19-restrictions/article_8fd6afbc-3687-11eb-8828-af41ebe51288.html

And I am noticing, on social media, that people are getting mean-spirited; they are fighting about anything, and everything – most of the fighting doesn’t even make sense.

They are housebound, and striking out.

They are indoctrinated into the obamanite cult of self-retardation, where common sense has flown the coop and robotic {world view} dogma is parroted.

‘World view’ has replaced individualism.

Individualism is now considered ‘enemy tactics’, and those who do not blindly follow the obamanite doctrine are viewed as “enemies of the state”.

More backwards insanity.

obama and his braindead minions tout the 1960’s as nirvana … but they miss the point of the 1960’s. The entire thrust of the 1960’s was to eschew the establishment, not embrace it! But ALL of obama’s goals and doctrine is about letting the establishment dictate how you should live your life, according to government mandates forced on the people against their will for the sole benefit of escalating political tyranny to the point of totally erasing freedoms of any sort.

There is no more respect for a difference of opinion on any topic, or issue: there is a just a rabid, putrid hatred emanating from the demonrat party bent on destruction and decay wrapped in government {freedoms} designed to enslave, manipulate, and decimate.

Love, compassion, empathy, respect, and freedom is evaporating.

I don’t need that in my life.

Either 1-on-1/face-to-face; or on FB.

So, I’m stepping back from the toxicity for a bit.

I have my own stuff to work through: I don’t want to wade through someone else’s bullshit. I don’t want to {understand} their self-imposed angst. I don’t want to be dragged into their drama by what my eyes see when they post their anger. I firmly reject that misplaced anger when it is directed at me – if they continue to harangue me, I just block them: d.o.n.e. and they no longer exist to take swipes at me.

There is NO excuse for bad behavior.

I don't allow it into my life.

I am looking into broadening my horizons some more in 2021, but I will not be pushed by others into having a man in my life, again. That decision is mine to make: it’s no one else’s business.

I’m content where I am, in my life, at this moment.

There are many reasons I chose to remain single. First, and foremost, is the fact that I still love my husband.

The other biggie is that everything has now been politicalized … even relationships; which is another heightened sense of ridiculousness.

I have stated before that Bob and I really had little in common other than the fact that we loved each other. Bob and I never allowed our difference to define us – we would not allow our difference in point of view to come between us. We always sought middle ground, and worked towards that goal. If we could not find a middle ground … we left the ‘thing’ alone: we did not pick it to death. We loved each other.

People, since 2009, have forgotten how to love.

They have forgotten how to respect differences.

Everything now, is hate-hate-hate: it’s sad.

Right now, I am not looking forward to January 2021 at all.

I am sick of the hatred that has played out since 2009.

America … and Americans are better than that.

So, this afternoon, I am going to spend some time getting lost in fantasy worlds where the realities of today won’t intrude …