Wedding Song - God Knew That I Needed You

Tuesday, November 24, 2020

IT’S ALL UPHILL

“It’s all uphill” is a phrase that can be taken 1 of 2 ways …

For the time being, ‘it’s an uphill battle’ is daunting, and it doesn’t seem like an encouraging prospect.

On the other hand, ‘it’s all uphill’ can be a good thing, because better things/happier times lay ‘just over the horizon’: it’s good to keep a positive outlook 😊

Challenges can make or break us – I will never be broken; so, the only other option is to let the circumstances and situations of the past 23 months … including this painful physical event ‘make me’: I can do that 😉

I purposefully cull people who use their fear to browbeat me into their way of thinking – I DO what is BEST FOR ME. Regardless of what others may think.
I believe in the power of prayer/divine healing; if people can’t respect that … they gotta go.

My mantra the last few days is, “Pray healing in; breathe pain out”: I plead the blood, and reminded Elohim that I am healed by Yeshua’s stripes. Of course, neither Elohim, nor Yeshua, need reminding … but I needed the affirmation; so, I quoted the Scriptures, and stood on them.

Pleading the blood is not begging Elohim to do something; the something has already been done.

Pleading the blood simply means I am actively activating the promise of my healing by the sacrifice price Yeshua paid 2020 years ago; it’s my statement of absolute faith I have in Calvary’s purchase through Yeshua’s eternal love for me – I am greatly loved, and highly favored … and I rely on Yeshua, as my Husband to provide for my well-being: spiritually, emotionally, and physically.

His blood spilled so freely on Calvary, is better than any insurance the world system has to offer!

I have lived my life like this since 1965; Elohei has never let me down.

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZjYnyz42mHQ)

Job 1, Isaiah 53:5, Jeremiah 17:14, and Mark 10:52.

I refuse to live life as a handicapped cripple.

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a6CJrGjATII)

Bob didn’t – and I won’t.

So help me God.

There is power in the blood; blood is the lifeforce – it fortifies … and even hospitals infuse blood as a purifying agent to the body.

I choose the blood of Yeshua.

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NErE5B2-3-4)

I have been lying in bed most of the past few days, to soothe the inflammation, and allow my body to fully recuperate. I’ve done research for organic and holistic alternatives to prednisone and ibuprofen: and it’s doable. Also, have been thinking of ways to modify and alter my lifestyle to manage the pain … and that is doable too, without too much alterations.

I’ve always been operating at turbo-speed, now I need to slow things down a bit.
Laundry adjustments, yesterday afternoon ... just turning the laundry basket upside down, and folding things on it, eliminates the need to bend and fold; right now.

One immediate change that came quickly to mind, was to call my BIL and ask him if he wants the rain barrels – they gotta go. Bob bought them for me in 2017, and built me stands to place them on; for my garden area … and it will be hard to part with them because they were love gifts to me from my husband; but man-handling the stands, setting the barrels up, and hauling lots of buckets of water back and forth between barrels and raised beds will exasperate this new issue. So, they gotta go.

He’ll take them, and they will have a good home. He also said he could lay a layer of pea gravel down for me along the length of the raised beds, so I will have an easier time gardening: the bulky river rock is nice for landscaping but it is hell to walk on. I was thankful he offered to do that (I had no idea he would even go there 😉); he is a good man, like Bob.

My prednisone and ibuprofen schedule is 10 AM & 10 PM; and I’ve been laying flat on my back, massaging my left leg until 10 AM, when I can medicate the pain … this morning, when I woke up around 5 AM, I decided to walk around every room in the house despite the pain (I need to keep my joints limber, and the blood flowing in my leg veins): being totally bedridden is never a good thing, as it breaks the body down in several ways that can lead to other medical complications. I also drank a cup of green tea with honey.

Green tea helps reduce inflammation in the body; I had a cup this morning before I dressed and went downtown.

I did another lap around the house – and noticed the pain had backed off enough that I was not checking the time every 20 minutes 😉

Elohim is faithful.

I had medical forms I had to fill out and get approved, so I drove into town, to the hospital to drop them off … only to be told, the department I needed no longer operates at the hospital; the paperwork has to be mailed in, or faxed into the regional Office, in Vancouver.

So, I mailed the forms in. 

Post Office Lobby line; Longview.

At this point – after walking all around my house twice, driving into town … then making numerous laps (and burning gas by the $$ making those laps) around the hospital building to find a freed-up parking space, and walking uphill (a NO-NO! the doc warned me against) to get onto the building (all other hospital access routes have been fenced off with chain-link security fences); my leg was starting to burn, and there was no way I was going to further run all over town to hunt a fax machine down!

But I was peeved: I had asked Danielle, at this time last year, if the hospital was going to go into shut-down mode – and she said “no; the hospital will always be operational, and this department will always be here”. She flat-out lied. And I knew it because it was obvious then that the hospital was running on a skeleton crew, and half the Financial Department has already been shifted to Vancouver. Now that department is totally gone.

Longview is dying.

insleeze has destroyed the economy with the stupid and ridiculous political demonrat agendas that are not rooted in reality; fantasy is not reality. Prison towns and welfare states do not generate financial securities – and qualified doctors refuse to work here: we were told by concerned doctors in ER, before Bob was moved to OHSU in 2018, that good surgeons would not even consider coming because there was no money to be made here. I was seriously pissed and gave the hospital a good piece of my mind – Bob was too critical, and he would not have survived the ambulance drive to Salem. That doctors would put $$$$$ ahead of their Hippocratic Oath is scandalous.

Doctors really do believe they are gods.

The only ‘doctors’ that work here are a triage skeleton crew: basically, field doctors. Anything serious – like Bob’s condition, and they will be honest and tell you they are out of their depth; sending critical patients to Vancouver, Portland, or Salem.

Most do not survive the trip.

Which makes my petition for divine healing all the more pressing.

And, if it be Elohim’s Will for my life … I will be: Elohim has already healed me of shoulder bursitis in 1987; and scoliosis back pain in 2008; and night blindness in 2016. So, when this intense pain - like noting I had ever expierienced before; flared up 12 days ago, fibromyalgia did come to mind: and I rejected that thought!

Fibromyalgia.
Scoliosis.

I will not live my life in fear; any type of fear.

So, when the doctor assessed the pain as ‘age-related’, I was actually relieved.

And I knew I could deal with that 😉 

I’m actually not fat – I’m in the ‘safe zone’ weight-wise for a 5’2” Senior woman. But I do want to shed at least another 10-15 pounds for my bone’s sake.

It’s no surprise to me that I am aging; I only have to look in the mirror … or at my skin that is losing its luster and elasticity: I didn’t notice these things before becoming a widow, because Bob always told me I was his ‘beautiful lady’. But in the course of 23 months/9 days/8 hours & 37 minutes, my hair has been significantly glitterized with an abundance of silvery shine – and my skin is showing wear and tear (which has been accentualized by the weight loss 23 months has wrought). Aging doesn’t bother me … it’s a natural course of life.

What does bother me though, is racking up a huge ER Bill just to be told that my body is aging.

DUH: I am 64. 

I just didn’t expect the breath-sucking pain. 

I’ve always taken care of my body: I was unprepared for the physical searing.

I’ve out-lived my mother’s parents, my father’s mother, and my mother … I had nothing to draw on, concerning old-age issues.

When I got back home, the pain had backed down enough that I swept the floors that had been ignored for the past 12 days (my military upbringing was making me feel like a guilty slob) …

… and I pulled the Fall decorations, replacing them with Christmas decorations … nothing fancy or intricate, because I don’t want to set my healing backwards; just quick, simple, and easy on the body switch-outs 😉

Christmas Cornucopia.
I made this wreath to celebrate Christmas in our new home – I had no idea that I would be a widow at Christmas time in 2018.
( https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2017/11/away-we-go-and-ho-ho-ho.html)
Wreath & Seasonal Coir mat is all I am doing for Christmas 2020: it is enough this year.
I pulled the little dolly hauler, Bob bought me for my Bazaar Circuits, from the shed; and placed it in the car. It will tear up the steps … but it will save me from this intense pain.
I made 2 wreaths for our new home; 1 for each entry door. Hanging them every year is bittersweet now.
Front Porch; that's it for this year.
Christmas Ducks; nothing fancy, but a little festive ðŸ˜‰

I also received news that I have a traveling companion! I know this person, and we will have good times together.

We are already making tentative plans for the Spring of 2021 😊

I have a GOOD GOD!

At the end of every day, I know I have a good life.

And I have good people in my life: I am blessed and thankful.

Saturday, November 21, 2020

TODAY: HOSPITAL VISIT CONFIRMS I AM AN OFFICIAL SENIOR CITIZEN

I have been suffering with hip & leg pain for about 10 days: the past 2 days I couldn't even get out of bed for more than 5 minutes before slinking back to lie down flat.

Well ...

Today was the day the hospital confirmed to me that I am an official Senior Citizen 😉

It's going to be an adjustment 😂🤣

The adjustments won't be major - just tone things down a bit (example: instead of intense hiking ... do low-impact).

Bob lived with pain all his life; intense pain from spina bifida (not open, just there in his spine), sciatica, and a broken thigh bone that never totally healed properly (though it was a miracle the surgeons even managed to save his leg from amputation).

But stuff like this is scary when you are a solo lobo - and you don’t know WHY you are in pain.

Leg pain woke me up around 2 AM … I walked down the hallway, and saw fog hanging over the Park: it reminded me of those horrible early morning “missing Bob” drives I made in 2018, to the local hospital before deciding to pack a duffle; and camping in Bob’s room.
By 9 AM, the leg pain was so bad, I called my SIL Merry, and asked her to drive me to the hospital to find out WHY the pain was so intense: she came without hesitation.
Bob & Merry; August 2007.

I went to the hospital straight from the bed, in my pajamas … and I didn’t care.

The pain was that B.A.D.

A couple of X-rays – and a Cortisone shot – and I could move without wanting to scream … or rip my leg off and throw it across the room.
Waiting for my release papers … and trying to make sense out of the Doctor’s assessment.
A guesstimate concerning the problem: nothing definite, but an age-related-clue.

A guesstimate clue was given that will probably send me to the Poor House if everyone (Admittance receptionist, 2 attendants, 1 Doctor, 4 X-rays/X-ray Technician, Cortisone shot, Prednisone tablet, Diagnostics, Paper printing) wants their $$$$$ up front.

I racked up a hefty hospital bill just to be told I am now officially a Senior Citizen.

I don’t have insurance – and I won’t be old enough for Medicare until next year, when I turn 65. I don’t know what to tell them all when they bill me; other than “stand in line”.

Non-narcotic pain relievers: $18 for everything. Hopefully when they are all used up, and the inflammation is relieved … the pain will have subsided enough to be manageable in the future.
My ‘Vitals’.

I should have these vitals’ statistics tattooed to my forehead so the people freaked out about covid CAN SEE that I AM FINE. I will not kill anyone by walking around without a freaking mask … 

Disc Info
Sciatica Info

DISHWASHER WOES

An update on my dishwasher woes; I had posted last week about a leak ...

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2020/11/give-it-to-god.html)

Pardon the messy kitchen; I just "couldn't": standing up for any length of time was excruciating 😭 - there was NO WAY I could have cleaned like a whirling dervish before they arrived.

For 44 years, I had an in-home Maintenance Man; I am learning, now, to lean on others for help.

If they noticed my domestic pig-pen; they never let on 😉

Thursday, the Vetter’s (great couple; friendly & informative) came to check the DW out ...
The problem does not seem to be related to a water leak – anywhere.

The problem does not seem to be related to a water leak – anywhere.

Longview water sentiment and a gasket appears to be the issue.

A water leak has been eliminated at the culprit.
Going through a process of elimination to get a handle on the situation.
The gasket appears to be the issue.
The floor is dry; no evidence of water under the dishwasher – or running down the side of the kitchen cabinet.
The rinse cycle was run – but there didn’t appear to be any water seepage.

The rinse cycle was run – but there didn’t appear to be any water seepage.

They worked hard on trying to get rid of the Longview water damage.

Before they packed up their gear and left, paper towels were laid down at the corners of the dishwasher underside.

The paper towels were 100% dry when I went to be around 10 PM; Vetter’s had left around 2 PM.

When I woke up Friday morning, I noticed the left side paper towel was saturated: the right side was 100% dry.
I sopped the water puddle up, and called Cole’s; someone is scheduled to come check this situation out in about 2 weeks time. There is only me now, and I’m not doing a Cookathon any time soon because of my left leg pain; and washing dishes by hand doesn’t bother me ... frustrations do.

Getting down on my knees was not easy with my bum leg; but I couldn't leave that puddle there.

Even if the kitchen floor is solid stone.

Thursday, November 19, 2020

THE CHANGING COLORS OF MY LIFE

The dawning of today was filled with birdsong and highlights of Fall color.

Noticing the dawning of that color, I sat up and took notice all around me 😉

Peripheral vision.
To the back of the house – looking towards Coal Creek.

And a song popped into my head ...

Which led to other memories/other songs.

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cWkXmx-0phc) 

Memories of the Spring of 1974: making love for the first time – not just jungle sex, but making love, pouring ourselves into each other. 

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iUpNxxkkaBQ)

Memories of fading Summer of 1974, on the cusp of Fall: making a lifetime commitment to each other; joining our lives/hopes/dreams together and vowing to stand by each other “no matter what”.

Sealed with a kiss of lifelong promises; Wedding Night – August 27th, 1974 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nMk-Qdajf3M & (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0VplLt39yrk)

Mid-Fall 1974: Doctor confirmation of what Bob had already assessed … as we watched the Fall leaves change color, we looked forward to welcoming our baby as the world popped with Spring color.

Memories of Fall 1975: A family was established.

Fall 1975. Bob, Me, Stacey & Alex.Bob had been married before, he came to me in 1974 with a 4-year-old son – our union added an infant daughter in May of 1975.

Memories of the Fall of 2018: watching the color of my life slip away with the waning of Bob’s earthly life. Wondering how I could go on living without Bob’s love coloring my world … and listening to Bob tell me to “live, Val”, when it became glaringly obvious that he would not.

November 7th, 2018: Bob, in local Peace Health ER: coming to terms with impending physical death, and making me listen while he laid out his wishes for cremation. I went into the hallway to cry … and bolster myself emotionally & spiritually to be “a rock” for Bob, when a Chaplain was paged.

Hearing – and doing what he told me to do, in preparation of his leaving me, and his fleshly vessel behind (close the IRA – pay off the car; mentally get used to him no longer being here; keep the house; go forward to build a new life without him in it).

November 24th, 2018: Finally made OHSU in the afternoon; I was thankful that Bob had a private room. The room was so fancy, we laughed and joked about OHSU being “Hotel Hilton” while our hearts were breaking as we faced an eternal separation there seemed to be no escape from.
November 30th, 2018: OHSU ICU Room; Bob was there 3/4th of his entire time at this hospital complex

Camping in Bob’s hospital rooms, and OHSU’s ICU Ward room; and standing by his bedsides – looking at him, and holding his hand: not wanting him to leave this life, alone. Needing to infuse all of him into my being, on a deeper level.

My little corner 'home away from home' ... cramped & not very comfortable; but, at least Bob and I were together.
Bob’s ministering earth angels: I will always be thankful for these caring and loving women that went out of their way to make Bob’s last days as comfortable as possible. Barb, the front nurse, was a gem. I loved her because she loved Bob. Everyone always loved Bob ... he was a loving, and lovable, person.

Watching Bob’s spirit leave this Earth … and trusting Elohei to get me through the darkest days of my entire life.

December 6th, 2018: Bob on breathing tube after the failed cysts drain. We both knew at this point, that he was not long on Earth. We always faced this situation hopeful ... but grounded in reality. We were both prepared for whatever lay before us.
December 14th, 2018 – Bob’s final hours.

Memories of the Winter of 2018: feeling desolate, and no longer seeing color in my life; in the world around me.

Memories of Spring/Summer 2019: realizing, and welcoming friends I never knew I had. When news of Bob graduating from this life to the next was made known … these loving people, who knew both of us, stepped out of the shadows (some came to visit, in person – some encouraged me every day on FB; some called), and came forward to help me learn to fly with the wings Bob gave me.

The wings Bob bequeathed me with, were not broken, as some would assume – they were just unfamiliar: I had not flown solo for 44 years.

My steadfast friends became the wind beneath my wings.

At times they literally lifted the drooping wings and bolstered them with their own strength, while I limped along; adjusting the weight on my own shoulders, and learning to wing flap against the winds of change.

At times, they cheered and ran alongside me … as I gained confidence, and started fledging in flight: hesitant at first to leave safe ground, then soaring into unknown paths and new horizons.

There were many false starts, and awkward beginnings: but my new friends never made me feel stupid, or too heavy to carry until I could ‘wing it’ on my own. I am thankful for their compassionate love, and steadfast encouragement.

Memories of Spring/Summer 2020: Coming to the conclusion that cold winds of death can cause people to fall by the wayside – some I expect to die on the vine, to drop and fade; some I had hoped would be evergreen, and hang around for the long haul: finally coming to the conclusion that all the life I was immersed in, no longer exists: all the leaves in my life had withered and died on the vine … and blew away – one way or the other.

Today’s Clean-up Crew … fits the day's post ðŸ˜‰

I learned to broaden my horizons, and gathered evergreens; planting them into the garden of the life I am building now.

Fall 2020: Not where I want to be – yet; but I am getting stronger every day 😉

I can look out my window and see color in my world, again.

That’s a huge difference: I am healing ðŸ˜Š